


Case 407

by Bonniebird17



Category: Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: A Bit of Fluff, Angst, Crime Fighting, Crimes & Criminals, Death, F/M, Family, Fire, Love, Mental Hospital, Modern AU, New case, SO MUCH FLUFF, Scary shit happening in chapter 8, Shit what’s happening, Sorry I was lying this was angst again, Stalker, The Trial, Time for some crime solving and action, more fluff to come
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2019-08-08 23:42:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 106,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16439090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bonniebird17/pseuds/Bonniebird17
Summary: This is part II. Continuing from Case 0215. You should read that one first.Back in Scotland, we get to follow Detective James Fraser. It is a new year, new possibilities but also new struggles.Family is everything and he will do anything it takes to keep them safe.





	1. Ladybirds or Ladybugs

**Author's Note:**

> Just want to say that I am so grateful for the love I received on the first part. You are amazing, thank you for reading and supporting me. Xoxo

**1 August- 2019**

_Scotland_

 

 

**Thursday**

**09.57AM**

” Jamie! Come here!” Claire shouted from the kitchen.

I was standing in the living room and got frightened by the tone of her voice. After moving back home to Scotland, things had been different, I still woke up with nightmares and now when I heard her shouting I thought something awful was happening.

“What? What is it Claire?” I asked as soon as I walked into the kitchen, she was standing by the window and Ellen sat next to her on the floor, playing with her toy bunny. I relaxed when I didn’t see any danger or threats. “Ye alright?”

“Look at this.” Claire pointed at the window frame. I walked over to them and I saw a red ladybird. “There are more over here.”

“Is this why ye shouting?” I asked amused, laughing because her facial expression. She clearly didn’t like ladybirds.

“Yes! Stop laughing. How did they come inside?”

“They probably sneaked in through the cracks, dinna bother to try to take them out, they will just come back.”

“We can’t have them in here, Ellen will try to eat them.”

“Ye know, to have ladybirds in yer house is considered a blessing.” I said and leaned closer to the window to count the ladybird’s black dots, _Seven_.

“Blessing.” Claire rolled her eyes. “And they are not called ladybirds but _ladybugs._ ”

“No, maybe in America but here in Scotland we call them ladybirds.” I laughed again and picked up Ellen into my arms. She squealed and laughed when I tickled her. “Now, my little Sugarplum, these are called ladybirds. We do _not_ eat them, and we do not squash them, all right?” I said, and Ellen immediately tried to touch the little bug anyway.

Ellen is turning one-year old tomorrow, she maybe was too young to understand it all but in my opinion she definitely knew more than she is leading on, my smart little daughter.

“No, Ellen, I said that we don’t squash them.” I took a step back from the window, so she couldn’t reach the ladybird. Ellen pouted her lips together and tried to look upset, she still couldn’t talk but she had her way with expressing herself.

“Dinna make that face, we can just look at them, see here.” I pointed on the ladybird’s black dots and started counting them out loud. Ellen curiously watched, and her pout turned into a smile. “Seven dots. That means seven years of good luck.”

“I still don’t like to have them inside the house, it’s gross, but seven years of good luck, hard to argue with that.”

“Aye.” Still holding Ellen in my arm, I reached my other hand around Claire’s waist and pulled her closer to us. “We could use some good luck.”

“I would say we are pretty lucky either way.” Claire snuggled into my arms.

It has been nine months since we moved from America back to Scotland. The first few weeks we stayed with Jenny and Ian at Lallybroch and that was wonderful, at first. Both me and Claire agreed that we needed our own space to try to rebuild our relationship, from scratch. Start over.

We bought a house in Edinburgh, not the same one we had owned before but in a completely new neighborhood and a little bigger - 120 kvm. The backyard was small but enough for a swing set for Ellen and a little place for Claire to plant her wee plants, life was different but pretty damn good.

In these nine months Claire has frequently been seeing a therapist, named Rachel Hunter and her doctor, Joe Abernathy, who also was her old coworker she doesn’t have any memory of. She doesn’t remember much more in her own opinion but each month there has been something new, like what her favorite color is - Green. Before having seen any pictures she remembered how her parents looked like and she cried when she confirmed it by seeing a photo when she went through the boxes of her old belongings.

But the biggest one was that she remembered bits of her accident and she had told me that she is positive that it wasn’t an accident at all, she remembered explosives and that wasn’t reported before. I called a friend who worked in the right district and he promised he would look into this new information.

I have been staying at home with Claire and Ellen since we got back to Scotland and as much as I have enjoyed being with my girls, reality was intruding and on Monday, in three days, it was time for me to go back to work - Scotland Police.

My old partner and friend, Angus Mhor was very excited for my return as to be his partner. It wasn’t hard to get my old job as a detective back and the rumors of Claire’s resurrection from the death was what everyone talked about for weeks. The first few days the phone rang uninterrupted, old friends and coworkers who wanted to hear the story first hand, but I only gave them the short version, I was still shocked myself with having Claire in Scotland with me, alive.

Visitor after visitor and they all came by Lallybroch. Each one screamed, cried and hugged Claire when they saw her, it was the hardest for her because she didn’t remember anyone, except for her old friend Mary MacNab.

Everyone knew about Claire’s amnesia, so nobody really did expect to be recognized nevertheless Mary. It was mid afternoon, Claire had been sitting on top of the stairs outside the front door, next to me and she just got up without saying a word when she saw Mary. I watched her as she started laughing and almost jumped Mary with joy. It was a special moment for all of us and I felt a peacefulness knowing she once more had a beloved friend. Someone she could trust and someone I knew was trustworthy too.

Leaving America was a relief but also so hard, I flew home with my family and the ashes of my dead partner, Jeremy Foster. I did as I had promised, and I took him home. I scattered his ashes with his parents in Lake Massabesic, Manchester. It was a simple funeral but lovely, Claire held my hand the entire time and I cried like a baby.

My old boss Martin Lang from NYPD has since his funeral put up a picture of Jeremy in their “Hall of fame” his bravery will never be forgotten. I will never forget him.

**11.15AM**

“What are we doing today?” I asked Claire. We were all three of us sitting around our dining table in the kitchen, watching Ellen as she were eating her lunch, her nap time was due after she had finished eating, that means we have a few free hours, alone.

“I was actually planning on going to the hospital.”

“Ye are?” I asked surprised, it is Thursday, Claire only had doctor’s appointment on Tuesdays.

“Yeah, you are going back to work on Monday and I was thinking about talking to Joe about..” Claire stopped talking and she looked nervous.

“About what?” I knew what she was going to say, she wants to start working again. But without any memory of her medical studies, that wasn’t a possibility.

“I don’t know, maybe ask my old boss for some kind of work, I _need_ to do something.”

“Claire, I understand your frustration and I totally agree that ye need to do something but maybe it’s time to face the truth, yer memory still hasn’t come back, ye can’t be a Doctor.”

“Yet, I can’t be a doctor yet.” Claire corrected me. “I’ll be the damn cafeteria lady until that if necessary, all I know is that I want to be there, it’s like the hospital is calling me, it’s my destiny, I know it.”

This wasn’t the first time Claire was talking about wanting to become a doctor again, she had talked about it since that day she brought me back from the dead. I get it, she has it in her, the need to take care of people, but what about Ellen, she is not ready for kindergarten, in my opinion.

“Joe said that yer head injury has been untreated for too long. Claire I want you to be a doctor too, you know that! Maybe it is time to think of something else to do?” I suggested, and it was the first time I told her this. I have been supportive and hanging onto hope, but she clearly doesn’t remember her medical training, if she wanted to be a doctor again, the only way was to start over or find something else.

” Like what?” She asked, and I heard she was offended.

“The world is yours, you can do whatever ye like.”

“I can do whatever I want, expect being a doctor, that’s what you are saying Jamie.”

“Don’t twist my words, ye said ye don’t want to go to medical school again, that rules out being one.”

“But Joe and Rachel said that it’s a possibility that I will regain my memory, seems useless to study it all over again.” Claire was too sure and that was dangerous, that would only leave her disappointed.

“Even if, ye can’t just go and operate on people, ye need to study.” Frankly, I was tired of saying this, Claire is a reasonable woman, she knows this, she just doesn’t want to admit it. Medical school was the only option.

We stopped talking and I helped Ellen with the last of her potatoes she had left on her plate. I pretended the fork was an airplane and she happily opened her mouth.

“Are ye ready for bed, sugarplum?” I said as I wiped away the food Ellen had all over her face, she prefers to eat with her hands.

“Dada.” Ellen said irritated and tried to escape the napkin. “No.”

“Yes. Ellen I need to take away the gravy.”

“Listen to your father Ellen.” Claire said. “He knows best.” I wanted to leave the room, but it was my turn to get Ellen to bed.

**11.37AM**

” Sleep tight my little sugarplum, when ye wake up we are going to see auntie Jenny.” I said, and Ellen clapped her hands in excitement, Jenny is one of her favorites.

Ellen still slept in a crib, just as precaution but Claire was planning on buying a regular kid’s bed for her first birthday. Being a father was one of the greatest things I have ever experienced but it also came with fear. I fear everything, what if she falls in her sleep, what if she wonders of when we are sleeping. No, I liked the crib. It was safe.

I turned the lights of and Ellen had already fallen asleep, with her face buried in her toy bunny.

Knowing Claire was crossed with me I walked the stairs slowly, not in the mood to fight with her. I found her downstairs sitting in our living room, sitting on our dark blue couch. To my surprise, she didn’t look angry.

“I’m sorry Jamie.” Claire apologized, and I sat down next to her, she leaned down and snuggled into the crock of my neck.

“Dinna be sorry. I know I upset ye.”  

“I only got upset because you were right. I know that even though if I will remember, it will take months even years before I can practice medicine alone.”

“Joe needs to clear you first, then we take one small step at the time. All right?” I kissed her forehead and she nodded. “You have been a doctor before and if it’s what ye really want, you will be one again.”

“I really want to.”

“Well that’s it then.”

“Do you want me to be a doctor?”

“I want ye to be happy, that’s all I want.”

“I am happy, with you, our life but I need more.”

“So, we are putting baby number two on pause? I asked, shyly, we have been talking about having more kids for a while and maybe that was why I was hesitant about her going back to medical school.

“Is that what’s bothering you?”

“A Little.” I admitted. “I know ye can do both but I’m not sure it’s the best idea.”

“We have all the time in the world, Jamie. And we can still have more children now if we want. When we are eighty years old, we will be surrounded by all our children and grandchildren. Don’t worry, we will be fine.”

“So yer going to the hospital now?”

“No, I can wait. Let’s just sit here and enjoy the quiet.”

“Sounds good to me. I never thought that a baby that small could be so loud” Both of us started laughing. Ellen was a spirited little lass.

“But we do have some errands today.” Claire said. “We still need to pick up Ellen’s birthday cake.”

“Aye, I know. But Jenny can bring it otherwise.”

“Right, she is coming, I forget that.” Claire said and sat up right. “So, what should we do with all this free time then?”

I looked at Claire with a smug smile, if she wasn’t planning on going to the hospital, she definitely wasn’t leaving this couch either. Claire mirrored my smile and she climbed on top of my lap.

“You know.” Claire said and leaned down to kiss me. “I maybe already am pregnant.”

Having Claire back in my life was a blessing and even more so with having Ellen, but I still felt an agonizing pain when I thought back on the things I missed when she was living with Frank as Katie. If she was pregnant now or in the near future didn’t matter, as long as I get to be there this time. As long as we are together.

“Do ye think yer pregnant?” I could help but feel hopeful.

“ _Maybe_.” Claire smiled and kissed me again. “I didn’t want to say anything before but it’s not impossible. We haven’t been using any protection. But don’t get your hopes up, it still too soon to tell.”

I placed my hand on top of her belly and Claire shook her head, looking down at me, laughing. My heart beating with joy. _Maybe_. I slowly rolled up her shirt until it was completely off, and I was glad she let me. The stretch marks from Ellen’s pregnancy were still visible but faded. She unbuckled her bra.

“Ye are so beautiful, Claire.” I whispered and kissed her breast one by one. “So beautiful.”

“I hope you still will think that when I look like an elephant.”

I stopped and looked up at her. A bit surprised by her remark. Claire looked shy, her cheeks pink and flushed.

“I always find ye beautiful.” I said and placed one of her curls behind her ear. “Even more so when yer carrying my child.”

“You say that now.” She paused, and I noticed the sadness in her voice. We barely talked about Frank anymore and I braced myself for what she was going to say. “Frank, he had me on a strict diet after I got my first stretch mark. I didn’t know better but to feel ashamed over my weight gain.”

I tried to compose myself to regain calm, the bastard had manipulated my wife more than I had realized. Claire always slept with a shirt on these days, covering herself up. Even when we made love she insisted on sometimes keeping it on. My beautiful wife was insecure about herself in a deeper level then I had understood. I was ashamed that I hadn’t thought about it before, but I just figured that _new_ Claire wanted to sleep with it a shirt. _Stupid_.

 

More evidence of her eating habits lately even came to mind and I felt even more embarrassed. Has the happiness made me blind? I looked at her again, she was thinner. I’m a detective, my job is to notice things like this. I have neglected my wife by being in a selfish bubble.

“But ye know that is the natural course of being with child, Claire. Ye are supposed to gain weight.”

Claire didn’t respond, and warning bells rang in my head. I tried to think of when she ate the last time. I know she ate the dinner I made her yesterday, but she skipped lunch today. She said she had eaten a big breakfast. I got to sleep in this morning and when I woke up it was past breakfast. I had just taken her word for it.

The silence between us was unbearable.

“Claire?” I said her name with a serious tone and she looked away. She was still sitting in my lap and I placed my hand on her cheek, carefully forcing her to look at me again and I saw that she was crying. “What’s troubling ye?” I was really worried now.

“I don’t look like I did before.” Claire said low. “I have seen pictures of myself and I don't look like that anymore.”

“I love that you don’t like exactly like ye did before.” I wiped away one of her tears. “New things for me to love.”

“I want to look like _her_ ” Claire said sniffling. This was the first time since we moved back home she referred her old self as her.

“Ye are her.”

“Not yet.”

I closed my eyes, feeling I was going to burst into tears any second. _I have failed._ If Claire still felt like this, the need to be exactly like her old self, I had failed her. In every single way. I love her, if possible even more now than before.

“We are not supposed to stay still.” I said low, my eyes still closed. I could feel how tense she was, and I heard she was still crying. That’s when I broke, my own tears and sobbing drowned hers.

_Failure._

“James.” Claire sounded worried, but I couldn’t open my eyes and I only cried harder. “Please, look at me.”

“Are ye eating?” I asked when I finally opened my eyes and looked at her.

“I am.” She said unconvincing, I heard she was lying.

“Why are ye doing this? Please stop lying. For how long have ye been starving yerself?” I probably sounded angrier than I was. My heart was breaking.

“Not long.” She whispered, her eyes red and puffy from tears.

“Why?”

“I told you. I want to look like her.”

“Can ye stop? Ye are her.” I raised my voice, I was angrier now. “We are aging, we are older and we are supposed to be different..”

“Laoghaire isn’t.” She surprised me. “She hasn’t aged a day.”

Laoghaire Mackenzie and the rest of the gang has been here a lot, just like before. But Claire said she didn’t remember any of them. Was this jealousy new or the same as when Claire met her the first time. Laoghaire was single, she had no kids and honestly, she was still as irritating as when we were teenagers, but Claire was right, with all the Botox and the operation to make her breast bigger, she looked the same. Looked like a blond bimbo.

“Is that why yer are acting like this?” I needed to take a deep breath, she was acting stupid.

“I see how she is _still_ looking at you like she…”

“Still?” I interrupted her. “Ye remember her?”

“I do.” Claire said irritated and climbed off my lap. She grabbed her shirt and took it on again. She started pacing back and forth in our living room.

“I dinna understand...”

“Of course, you don’t.” She snapped back at me. “You look even more gorgeous now. Laoghaire is still in love with you.”

“In love? Yer being ridiculous Claire.”

“Am I?” Claire stopped walking. “Am I really? Are you blind?”

“Apparently I am.” I said disheartening. Claire jealousy was the last thing I thought about. “I dinna care about her. I care about ye. That yer starving yerself to look like someone who I could care less about.”

“I don’t want to look like Laoghaire.”

“Me neither…”

The doorbell rang. _Not now._ I sighed when Claire stormed out of the living room to answer whoever was by the door. Probably Jenny. I thought.

I waited a few minutes, preparing myself for my older sister to enter. But when nobody came I got off the couch to see what was happening. I heard a familiar voice as I walked down the hallway and I froze when I saw my former coworker Tina Knight by the door.

“What are ye doing here?” I asked and felt confused when I saw a man next to her, I have never met him before, only seen pictures, John Grey. Tina’s formers mentor. The infamous man they called - The Modern Robin Hood.

“I need you to listen before you freak out.” Tina raised her hands in defense when she saw how angry I was.

“Are ye crazy? Taking criminals to my home?” I said, not planning on listening at all.

“Jamie, let her talk.” Claire said, and I needed to compose myself to not yell at her too. Maybe I was a civilian right now, but I am always a police officer. This man was a criminal. End of discussion.

“No.”

John Grey was taller than I had imagined, almost matching my own height but he was slender, he would never be able to match my strength. If they wouldn’t leave, I could easily force him to.

“James.” Claire raised her voice, using my real name. “We _owe_ her to listen.”

“Five minutes. Then ye leave.” I turned around, furious and walked into our kitchen.

Tina looked nervous as she sat down at our kitchen table. We hadn’t spoken much since I came to Scotland, but I knew she wasn’t working at NYPD anymore. John Grey on the other hand looked calm and confident. I shoot Claire an irritated look, but she ignored me.

“Tina, please tell us what’s going on.” Claire said and placed her hand on top of Tina’s. “Why are you here?”

“We need your help.” Tina said, and I snorted out loud. “John life is in danger.”

“Go to the police then..” I said sarcastically.

“You know they will arrest him if we do that.” Tina said irritated.

“Well he is a criminal and he would be safer in jail.”

“You should be grateful he isn’t in jail.” Tina raised her voice even higher, matching my own anger. “John helped me with finding out the truth about Geneva. You at least owe him to stay quiet and listen.”

That got my attention and I stopped arguing. I didn’t know that. Not that it should matter, John was a criminal and if he was in danger, he was bringing it to my home, to where my wife and kid lived.

“Whatever you may think, John is the good guy. He is the closest to a family and I’m asking you to help me.”

“Canna promise that but I’ll listen. That’s all.”

“I understand that you are frustrated with me being here. I am sorry, but I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t serious.” John Grey hadn’t said a word since he came and when he started talking I noticed his English - British. I wasn’t caught up in his case, nevertheless where he was from, I just assumed he was American because America was where he had been stealing money.

“But with ye being here. Ye are endangering the safety of my family.”

“Nobody knows I have left the states.” John said.

“Why do ye want me help?”

“I need you to hide him.” Tina said, and I wanted to laugh at the ridiculous request.

“Not a chance.”

“For how long?” Claire asked, ignoring everything I was about and I stared at her. _Is she serious?_

“Just a few days.” Tina was quick to reply.

“Hold the fuck up.” I shouted, I wasn’t sure if I was angry about John staying or that everyone was ignoring me. “Who is after ye? My daughter is upstairs, I refuse to have ye here.

“Mr. Fraser, I understand your concern, but I promise nobody will find me here. Who would suspect that I am here? Nobody would look for me at a police officers home”

“Who is after ye?” I repeated my question and Tina hesitant looked at John.

“Stefano Donatello.”

“The leader of the Italian mob? Are ye kidding me?”

Stefano Donatello, a man a knew all too well. The young Italian who inherited his father’s illegal business, posing as a family company, a dry cleaning in Queens, a few blocks from where I had lived. But they only used the facility to smuggle drugs. A dangerous man to encounter nevertheless be chased by. Stefano has never been convicted but he had been charged for both murder and smuggling. The witnesses always magically disappeared and later found dead. Met the man once and I never want to again.

“No.” John answered. “I am sadly not joking.”

“What did ye do? Why is he after ye?”

“John hacked his computer.” Tina jumped into the conversation. “and found out that Stefano has been bribing the police and he managed to transfer the rest of Stefanos´s millions into another account. The Donatello’s are bankrupt, and they are pissed.”

“And now ye expect me to hide yer arsle?”

“I don’t expect you to do anything. I’m asking.” John answered politely. “If they find me, they will kill me.”

“You can stay.” Claire said, and I slammed my fist onto the table. Both Claire and Tina became frightened but not John.

“No. Yer not.”

“Sit down James. Tina is our friend. We are letting them stay.”

The doorbell rang again, and everyone froze. It was my turn to storm out the room and I left the kitchen. Tomorrow was Ellen’s birthday, Claire had a secret eating disorder and maybe pregnant. I had a criminal in my kitchen who is being chased by the Italian mob. I can’t handle anymore. The doorbell rang again, and I swore to myself.

“Brother!” Jenny shouted happy as I opened the door. Behind her was a big suitcase and plastic bags filled with presents in colorful wrappers.

“Hi Jenny.” I tried to sound cheerful, I was happy to see her but under the circumstances it was hard to hide my real emotions.

“Ye okey?” She asked.

“Fine, just stressed.” I lied. Jenny hugged me as if she knew I was lying and wanted to comfort me.

“Where is Claire?”

“In the kitchen.” I answered. Jenny released me and walked into the house. Leaving me and her things outside of the door. For a second I had forgotten about the people in the kitchen and I was fast to take Jenny’s things inside and almost ran back to the kitchen.

Jenny was hugging Claire when I entered. Both of them laughing, and I disapproving looked at John Grey. I was just about to say that they were leaving when Claire started talking.

“Jenny, this is my cousin, John Beauchamp. From my father’s side. John is My uncle Lambert son.”

Both Tina and John looked shocked by Claire’s lies but not as shocked as me. _Damn you, Stubborn woman._ I couldn’t get a word out and stared at the fiasco going on in front of me.

“Oh.” Jenny said surprised. “I dinna ken ye had a cousin. Nice to meet ye, I’m Jenny. James sister.”

“Pleasure is all mine.” John answered and shook Jenny’s hand.

_Fucking hell._

I walked over to the window. I wanted nothing to do with this madness and I looked at the red ladybird that still were sitting on the window frame.

“Seven years of good luck…” I said low to myself. 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos are appreciated ❤️❤️


	2. Are ye serious?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: heavy subj.
> 
> I hope you still like this story, I know I love writing it. ❤️

**1 August**

_ Scotland _

 

 

**Thursday**

“Excuse me. I’ll be right back.” Claire didn’t need to ask Jamie if he was angry with her, he made that loud and clear with his intense staring. If looks could kill. She quickly left the kitchen and almost ran up the stairs to the second bathroom. She sat down on top of the toilet seat and she cried.

One careless decision after another. This hadn’t turn out very good, none of it. Claire never intended to hurt Jamie and yet she managed to do it multiple times.

Even if she knew that she was Claire Fraser, she still wasn’t feeling comfortable in her own skin. It sometimes felt like she was an actress, pretending, playing a part in a movie. The blank spaces, the missing pieces - the things she didn’t remember made her feel like someone else. But her love for Jamie was real, their family was real and that was what had been keeping her sane.  _ Almost _ .

But the invisible scars Frank had left on her was a daily reminder, his voice sometimes came to haunt her. Sometimes when she was awake but mostly in her dreams.

Terrible nightmares where she was Katie again, forced to be the perfect woman and not allowed to make any mistakes and when she did, he punished her. The punishment was that he dragged her down to the basement and forced her to watch him and William kill Jamie all over again. She woke up sweating with panic attacks, sometimes she even woke up screaming ” _ Forgive me _ .”

“There is nothing to forgive, we are safe, Claire.” That’s what Jamie always said when he soothed her, holding her firmly in his arms, stroking away her tears and kissed her forehead. The nightmares had been less frequent, but she still had them.

Each day Claire often remembered a little more but it wasn’t at all joyful and beautiful. She was trapped in an endless loop of painful memories.  _ Frank. Mary. Geneva. _ But the worst part was that she had started remembering her accident - Drowning - she remembered how cold the water was, how devastated she was believing that her baby had died and that she had stopped swimming. She gave up.

It was agonizing to know she had tried to end her life and almost even more painful that she couldn’t admit it to Jamie. Her therapist ,Rachel Hunter knew but not Jamie, she can’t tell him.

Secrets and lies, oh so many, and now one of them was out in the open. Jamie had caught her in her webs of lies when it came to her eating habits. It was idiotic of her to be this obsessive with her weight and what she ate, she knew that but yet, the thought of not looking like she had before, like the photos she had seen, it ruined her. Made her feel unattractive. It made her feel like Katie.

Claire placed both her hands on top of her belly. Her period was late. There was a possibility that there was a beautiful little seed growing inside her.  _ The baby will die if you don’t eat _ , she scolded herself. With or without her memory, Claire was a doctor, even if Rachel and Joe said that she couldn’t practice medicine right now, she was still a doctor and she knew how dangerous eating disorders were. The outcome was deadly. At least she wasn’t bulimic, and she found a small comfort in that.

For the sake of her now potentially growing family, for her daughter and husband. Claire decided that she needed to stop with this foolishness. She bent down, grabbed the scale from the floor and threw it into the bin.  _ 72 kilos.  _ Her weight. She had gained 10 kilos. These were the numbers she needed to stop thinking - obsessing - over. 

Again, Claire placed her hand on top of her flat belly and she started crying more. “I got you baby.” It was a whispering promise. Nobody was going to hurt her family and that included herself. The black hole she had dug herself into was deep, the only way to come out of this was to climb - towards survival. Yes, she will survive this, too.

Love will cure her.

 

(((o)))

 

**12.03AM**

I stood outside the bathroom, waiting for Claire to come out. It was a really long time since I had been this furious with her. We are partners, but she was acting on her own, inviting criminals to our home.

I heard a low sound, sniffing.  _ She is crying. _

The toilet flushed, and Claire stepped out of the bathroom and I could see that she had definitely been crying, her eyes red and puffy. Her mascara smudged. My anger almost immediately disappeared, I was too weak when it came to her, especially when she was crying. I opened my arms, my eyes pleading for her to let me comfort her and she stepped into my embrace.

“What’s wrong, love?”

“Me.” She burst into tears. “It’s wrong with me.”

_ Oh Claire. _

”Ye have been through so much, Claire, there is nothing wrong with ye.” I buried my face into her hair, breathed her in. “Ye are only different.”

“I don’t want to be different.” Claire paused and looked up at me, hesitant. She took a deep breath. “Do you feel differently towards me now?”

“Don’t ye know how fast my heart races when I see ye. Every single morning. Different is good Claire. Let’s embrace it together. Aye?”

I leaned down and kissed her on her lips.

“You wrap me around your fingers like it’s nothing…”

“Keep telling yerself that.” I laughed out loud. “Yer the one who has me around yer finger. Here I was, pissed and waited for ye and just like that, I couldn’t bear to see you so sad.”

“And now? On a scale of one to ten. How mad are you?”

“Seven,” I answered honestly and remembered why I was angry in the first place. John Grey. “They can’t stay here. I refuse to endanger our family, Claire. It was reckless of ye, agreeing to something without knowing exactly how dangerous it is.” I said, calmly even if I was angrier then I led on.

“Can’t you tell me? Make me understand. I just saw Tina, a friend in need who was asking for our help.”

“Not here.”

I wanted to talk in private and we walked into our bedroom. Claire sat down on the foot of the bed and I brought a chair that had been standing over by the wall and placed it in front of her. I sat down, straddling the chair with its back as support for my arms.

“Who is Stefano Donatello?”

“The boss of the Italian mafia. A drug dealer. Stefano is arrogant and ruthless. I have seen victims after they have encountered him or his companions. Even for me who used to all kind of shit. Claire, it was brutal. It gave me nightmares.”

“What happened?”

“I had just moved to America and started working for the NYPD. Their ways, their methods were different from Scotland Police and maybe that why I got interested, gangsters and yeah. They didn’t want me to be on the case, but I wanted in the second I heard about it.” It felt strange talking about this, the life I had when she was supposedly dead. A completely different life that seemed more like a dream these days.

“You always did love The Godfather,” Claire said and crossed her legs, leaning her elbows on her knees. “Go on.”

_ One thing she unconsciously remembered.  _ I thought and smiled.

“Anyhow, we had a guy from my department, officer Lorenzo Russo, he was Italian, fitted right in. The groundwork was already laid when I came, they had spent months trying to set it up. Fake arrests, rumors and so on to make sure Lorenzo was a “well known” drug dealer and Stefano didn’t even hesitate to invite him into the family.”

“But why did you need to infiltrate the mafia in the first place?

“People went missing. They walked into Stefano’s dry cleaning, Della Vita, it was just a few blocks away from my old apartment in Queens and they never walked out again. At least not alive.”

“So, he murdered people.”

“He didn’t just murder people Claire, every single one who has fucked with his facility has gotten haunted down and been dismembered alive. It’s called buckwheat’s, vengeance murder. He tortures them. Stefano sends the dead bodies, piece by piece to the victim’s family as a threat. He takes betrayal very personal.”

“What happened with Lorenzo? Did he get caught?”

“He did. Everything was going accordingly to the plan, Lorenzo infiltrated the Donatello’s and worked his way up, Stefano trusted him almost from the very start. Confined Lorenzo with things we never could have guessed. Practically handing out the information we needed. List of his buyers, and Lorenzo watched it all first hand. The cocaine, the shipping and he even witnessed when Stefano executed people who couldn’t pay their debts. With the Lorenzo as witness we were able to press charges, first-degree murder and smuggling, but that didn’t matter. Lorenzo went missing the day before the trial. He was the only witness and without him, we couldn’t prove any of it.”

“How did he get caught?”

_ I wonder who Stefano is bribing. Martin Lang? Someone I know from NYPD? Need to call Sarah Holm. _

“We don’t know, but if what John Grey said is true, then Stefano has someone on the inside. I don’t want to be involved in this Claire. Lorenzo died, his wife got his body sent home piece by piece. This is serious, we must stay outside of this.”

“Oh god. That awful.”

“It’s not even the worst part. Lorenzo’s wife and kid were killed, too. Just one week later. I was there. Lorenzo son was only four years old and they had shot him, Claire. Stefano killed his entire family.”

_ All that blood. So much blood.  _ I closed my eyes, the horrible images of Lorenzo dead family didn’t go away.

“But can’t you help John and Tina in another way? Witness protection? I mean you are a detective, you have contacts”

_ Is she serious? _

“No, John Grey is a wanted man, he will get arrested immediately. The only help I can do is to pretend they were never here.” I sighed. “And we are in Scotland now, I don’t have any influence in America. It not..”

“But Tina is our friend.”

“She should never have come here.” I snapped back at her. “Just with them being here is dangerous enough, if she was my friend.. she wouldn’t have been here.”

“There is no way Stefano will find him here. Can’t we let them stay for a few days? Let them catch their breath.”

“Aren’t ye listening? Claire, Ellen, our daughter is sleeping just a room away. I’m not letting them stay.”

“You saw how scared she was. Please. Tina saved all of us.”

“I have enough problems.”

“Just a few hours.”

“Why are you not listening?”

“Because I’m doing what’s right. Tina lost Jeremy, she only has John. I can’t stand the thought of her losing someone else she loves. How can I live with myself, knowing she asked for our help and we just threw her out? She got Ellen from Geneva, she sat next to me when you were in a coma. I owe her this and I’m not letting this go.”

Just with Claire mention Jeremy, I felt sympathy for Tina. I clenched my jaw and looked out of the window.

“You are the most stubborn woman there is.”

“That’s why you love me. Because I’m always protecting the people I care about.”

“No that’s supposed to be my job. My job is to protect you and Ellen.”

“You are such a man, I can do that too.”

“How are you going to protect them?”

“Hide them in the guest room and try to come up with a plan. I don’t know but I’m not going to sit here and do nothing.”

“I can’t break the law. I can’t have a criminal staying under my roof.”

“Yes, you can. Come on Jamie.”

“It’s Ellen’s birthday tomorrow. It’s bad enough you lied to Jenny, claiming John was your cousin. Have them attend the party tomorrow, people will start asking questions.”

“Until Sunday. Three days.”

“Will you promise me to never again ask something like this again?”

“I promise.”

“I can’t… I can’t even look at you right now.”

“Jamie.”

“No Claire, you are putting our family in danger. I’m allowed to be angry with ye. This is the stupidest thing ye have ever done, including starving yerself. Just let me be.”

“I’m not doing this to hurt you.”

“I know that. But this is the first time I think that ye are different in a bad way. I never thought you could be this careless and inconsiderate.”

“You are being unfair.”

“Unfair?” I shouted. “Ye haven’t seen what I have seen. The violence.  I’m so angry that I want to wake up Ellen, take her with me and let you handle this as ye please, but I can’t do that. I can’t leave ye here alone, unprotected. So, if anyone is unfair, that’s  _ you _ . For forcing me to stay.”

“It will be alright. Jamie, they are staying a few days. Like John said, what are the odds they would be here. Nobody will find them”

“Ye are playing with fire.”

I stormed out of our bedroom. This time I didn’t care that Claire was crying.

**1.42PM**

I had taken a long shower, avoided everyone. John, Tina and Claire had been talking four hours in the kitchen and when I walked downstairs I saw that Ellen finally had woken up. _ I can’t be here. _

“I’m taking Ellen with me.” I said to Jenny, she was holding Ellen in her arms.

“Where are ye going brother?” Jenny asked surprised. Ellen was still wearing her pajamas and held onto her toy bunny.

“Getting that damn birthday cake.”

“Can’t she stay? She just woke up. I want to cuddle with my niece.”

“No.”

“What’s up yer arsle? Ye have been unpleasant all day.”

“Janet. I’m taking my daughter with me.”

“Don’t Janet me, what’s going on?”

“Nothing.” I lied. “I promised Ellen she could come with me. I'm not changing my plans because ye want to cuddle.”

“Has this something to do with Claire's cousin, John? The man I never heard about until today? They look nothing alike and ye look like ye want to kill the man. Don’t think I see ye brother.”

I took Ellen out of Jenny arms, ignoring her questions. If Jenny doesn’t know anything, she can’t get involved.

“I’ll be back in a few hours.”

“Does Claire know that yer leaving?”

“No. Apparently we don’t talk in this family.” I snapped again. “I don’t need her permission to go outside. I’m taking my daughter with me to buy her a birthday cake.”

“Alright, calm down. Yer obvious having issues. Go, and buy yer kid her cake and stay out until yer happy again.”

**2.24PM**

I had driven to the park instead of the bakery. I needed do distance myself from the anger and the best way was to focus on Ellen. Just watching her playing with sand, digging with her green, plastic shovel and I was already feeling better. The playground was our favorite thing to do together, for me at least, Ellen loves everything outdoors.

“Dinna eat the sand.” I laughed and tried to wipe away the Sahara desert that had found its way into my daughters’ mouth.

“Dada. Ter. Ter.” Ellen pointed towards the swing set.

“Ye want to swing love?” I asked amused and Ellen clapped her hands in excitement. “Alright, let's go.”

Ellen was wearing her waterproof orange overalls, it was August and it was warm outside but my sweet daughter always found a puddle or two to swim in, it was necessary but that also made it harder for her to move. I held her hand as she rocked sideways, determined to get to swing quickly and I laughed, a real and genuine laughter even though things were hard right now.

_ My sweet daughter, you make everything better.   _

“Up. Up dada” Ellen squealed excited, reaching her hands up in the air and I placed her in the swing. For a moment, I forgot about all my problems and just laughed with my daughter as she screamed of happiness as I pushed the swing harder. Each push brought Ellen higher up in the air and I was impressed, she wasn’t scared of anything. My brave girl just laughed. It was music to my ears.

One hour of us running and playing around. Being father and daughter. I followed Ellen as she very closely was inspecting and trying to taste everything on ground. Dirt and leaves apparently was her favorite.

My phone started buzzing in my pocket. I reached down and fished it out my jacket. It was Claire calling. I hesitated a second then answered the call.

“Hey.”

“When are you coming home?” Claire asked.

“Not sure, we need to pick up the cake first.” I answered cold and I heard her sigh out loud.

“Where are you anyway?”

“Playground.”

“Jamie. Can you please come home? so we can fix this”

“Not in the mood Claire. Don’t you get that? Just today, you have told me that you are going back to medical school, you are maybe pregnant, and you have developed an eating disorder. I can’t process all of this, and like that wasn’t enough, you are harboring criminals. It’s too much.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want yer apologies. I’m tired and someone needs to think of Ellen.”

“I’m thinking about Ellen. I’m her mother.”

“Act like it then.” I hung up the phone.

_ Fuck. I took it too far. Fuck. _

“Ellen, I think we need to go now.”

“No!” Ellen screamed, threw her orange hat away and laid down on the ground. Toddler tantrums. I kneeled down next to her.

“Ye dinna need to scream. That willna help ye. We can come back later or tomorrow. Have ye already forgot that we need to go to the bakery? Maybe, and only maybe, if you calm down, we can buy some cupcakes too.”

“Cake?”

Bribes always work.

“Yes. If yer a nice lass, I will buy ye cake.”

**3.09PM**

I was carrying Ellen and the bag containing her birthday cake, walking up the two steps to our front door as it opened. Claire must have been standing in the window waiting for us.

“Mama.” Ellen shouted happily, her face covered in frosting.

“Hey baby. What have you been eating?”

“Cake.” Ellen replied proudly and showed Claire the last piece of her chocolate cupcake.

“What a nice daddy you have. Did you have fun in the park?” Claire asked, and Ellen stuffed the cupcake in her mouth, nodding.

I walked past Claire and put Ellen down on the floor in the hallway. Her orange overall was covered in dirt and I took it off her, then her shoes and Ellen quickly ran into the house, probably went searching for auntie Jenny.

“Jamie.”

“What is it?”

“Are you not talking with me now?”

“We are talking now?”

“I have called twice.”

“I was busy, what did ye want?”

“I don’t like this. We have never fought like this before.”

_ No, we haven’t. Even if we had, you probably wouldn’t remember anyway. _ I thought irritated to myself. I would never dare to say it out loud even if I wanted too.

“I hope ye are going to tell Rachel about this and that yer not eating.”  I said, fearing she was throwing up. I didn’t know how bad the situation was, I had only noticed that she wasn’t eating enough. 

“I am.”

“And you need to take a test. To see if you are pregnant or if your period is late because yer not eating.”

_ I can’t even feel happy about the pregnancy. Not now. Not like this. _

“Oh.” Claire blinked. “I haven’t thought about it like that.”

“I have. I have thought about every single consequence yer actions may have caused.”

“I’m sorry Jamie.”

“Ye have said that.”

I left her in hallway and walked into the living room. The room was thankfully empty, and I sat down in the couch, my hands covering my face. I was never this mean or cold, but I have reached a limit of what I can handle. I was glad that John Grey and Tina was out of sight. Couldn’t care less about their whereabouts.

“You don’t get behave like this.”

I looked at Claire, my eyebrows together in a frown.  _ She never stops. _

“What do you want from me?” She asked, she stopped in front of me with her arms crossed.

“Claire. I need you to open your eyes. I’m tired of having to remind ye that this is real. We are real and it’s time for you to stop behaving like a child.”

“I’m not.”

“Are ye not? Dr Abernathy has repeatedly said that ye have an attitude with his rehabilitation plan. Ye always think ye know best. Ye don’t listen to anyone. I told ye all about Stefano Donatello, what the risks are with having them here, but you don’t listen, and I gave up, let you have your way. Why are you still arguing with me? Let me be.”

“I refuse to let you be. I love you.”

“Don’t. Ye can’t get away with this, saying that you love me doesn’t take away how angry I am with ye. It’s a poor move to calm me down and it doesn’t work. Ye know I love you more than life.”

“For how long are you going to be angry?”

“For as long as you are prioritizing criminals over yer family.”

“Tina is pregnant.” Claire said low. “John is the father.”

“So? This is new information, Ye let them stay before ye knew this.”

“I can’t kick her out.”

“Then I guess I can’t forgive ye.”

_ Fuck. That was hard to say. Stay still. Don’t budge, don’t cave even if she cries. _ I said to myself.

“I’m sorry that I’m constantly are disappointing you.” Claire whispered, her voice shaking, and tears ran down her face. “Maybe the old Claire wouldn’t have done this.”

 

“Everyone is entitled to act stupid once in awhile, Claire. But you have abused that privilege.”

 

Claire left the room.

_ Low blow. _

**7.45PM**

Nobody wanted my company and I couldn’t blame them. I was rude and irritate with all of them too, so I hid upstairs in my room for the past few hours. We have a tv in our room and I was entertaining myself with watching reruns.

I am a detective, I follow the law, that’s how it is. I can’t change that mentality, but I could understand that Claire, the doctor, always had the need to save people, even if they weren’t hers to save.

Maybe she is right, that Stefano never will find them here but why take the risk?  _ Why? _

_ Because she is Claire. She sees the good in everyone. _

I sighed. Even in the past Claire had played hero and saved a woman who had been drowning, she jumped into the water even if it meant she was risking her own life, she still did it. That was one of the things I loved the most about her because she was strong and fearless. Always had been. She reminded me of my mother.

Claire cares, too much, but that was her in a nutshell. Animals, people or alien, I didn’t matter. she  _ always _ tried to save them. I don’t know why I expected less of her now. A friend in need, a pregnant friend even so, of course she was doing what she did.

_ Fuck _

I was already slowly forgiving her, I know that, but that was the power Claire held over me, she could do anything, and I would  _ always _ forgive her.

But I’m not going downstairs and pretend that what she did was right. No, it doesn’t hurt to make her feel crappy a few more hours. I thought and laid down flat on my back on the bed.

Three more days until I start working again. By that time John and Tina hopefully would be long gone. That will make it easier at least. Technically I’m not in service, I’m a civilian and this would be the only time I was going against my beliefs.

But then it hit me, tomorrow at Ellen’s birthday, there will be friends here, people we see as family member and some are police officers. That will be..

A knock on the door, interrupting my thoughts and I sat up.

“Come in.” I said when the person knocking didn’t come in.

Claire entered the room, carrying Ellen in her arms.  _ Smart move. Use our daughter to make me soft. _ I thought when she put Ellen down on the bed.

“Dada.” Ellen said, rubbing her eyes. She was tired, it was time for bed. She crawled over to me.

“Hey chocolate monster.” I said and tickled Ellen, she squealed and laughed in my arms. “It’s time for bed Aye?”

“I thought you wanted to say goodnight.” Claire was standing by the side of the bed, she also looked tired.

“Where is everyone?” I asked Claire, but I didn’t look at her.

“They are still downstairs. But they are going to sleep soon. They are still on American time. But Jenny keeps wondering why you have locked yourself in here.

“Why did ye say?”

“Nothing really, only that you are angry with me.”

I didn’t say anything back, just nodded in response.

“Say goodnight to daddy.” Claire said, and Ellen pouted her lips, her kisses was like being kissed by a dog, wet and messy, but I loved them anyway.

“Goodnight my love. I’ll see you in the morning.” I kissed Ellen on her forehead and gave her a long hug.

 

“Come on babe, I’ll read you a story.” Claire said. “The one with the butterflies you like.”

“Bye dada.” Ellen yawned, waving goodbye and I waved back smiling.

**8.02PM**

Ellen’s room was next to ours and when I heard her door close, I wondered if Claire would come back to talk to me. I listen for her footsteps and heard them coming closer. I put down my phone and placed it on my nightstand next to lamp.

Claire walked into the room and closed the door behind her. She didn’t say a word. She took off her clothes and placed them neatly on the chair I had been sitting on earlier, still standing next to the bed. She didn’t take on the T-shirt she sometimes slept in and crawled down under the covers with her back facing me. She reached out and switched her lamp off.

Her side of the bed was dark, the only light was coming from my lamp. I sighed and rolled over looking at her back.

“Are ye going to sleep already?” I asked, surprised that she was ignoring me. She had been so persistent earlier.

“Mmhm.”

“Ye want to talk?”

Claire rolled over, facing me with her the cover almost completely covering her, ending by her chin.

“Do you?”

“Aye.”

“On a scale of one to ten. How angry are you now? I don’t know if I can handle anymore yelling Jamie.”

“Five.” I answered and moved closer to her “I’m not going to yell.” 

“Do you want to divorce me now?”

“Claire, ye canna be serious?”

“What? You have never been this angry. Can you blame me for asking?”

“Nothing ye do, even how stupid it is, will never make me leave ye.”

Claire released a deep breath.  _ Did she really think I would leave her? _

“Which subject do you want to talk about first.” She asked and I was still shocked that she thought I was going to divorce her. 

“John and Tina.”

“We all have been talking for hours downstairs. I think you would like John, he is very funny when you get to know him. I understand why Tina likes him.”

“That’s not what I meant and ye know it.”

“I just thought it would help, to make you realize that these are real, breathing people.”

“What did ye talk about? What did Jenny do? I mean she must have found it strange?” 

“She was mostly playing with Ellen the whole time, when Jenny was in the room we talked about ordinary things. She doesn’t suspect anything.”

“Yeah she does. She told me earlier that she did.”

“Oh.” Claire said surprised. “But she seems to like them.”

“Claire this isn’t about who likes who. They are probably very nice people, that’s not the problem. You didn’t see all the blood. You didn’t see all the mangled corpses. You didn’t see the families burying their loved ones. But I did.”

“I know. I wished I could take away all the horrible things you have seen, Jamie. I want to take away all your pain but we need to do this. I’m sorry.”

 

Silence.

 

Sometimes, Love makes me hate the world. To know there is so much violence and hate out there and to know you can’t always protect the ones you love.

“I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this..They can stay until Sunday. But John isn’t going to Ellen’s party tomorrow. Angus is coming, he may be a bit slow, but he will recognize John. I know he will.”

“Anything you say, Jamie. He can be upstairs the whole time.” Claire smiled. “Thank you.”

“Dinna thank me, it wouldn’t matter what I say, they would have stayed anyway.”

“Will you forgive me for it?”

“In time. Maybe not today. But I can’t stay mad at ye for being ye. This is typical Dr. Claire Fraser coming to the rescue behavior, I can’t change ye and I don’t want ye to change that. I just wish ye weren’t so damn reckless all the time.”

“I like hearing it.”

“What?”

“When you say I act like I always has. It’s comforting.”

“That’s the second thing we need to talk about.” I said with a serious tone. “Is it my fault? Have I made ye feel like you need to be and look exactly like ye did before? It’s killing me Claire.”

“No, no. It’s definitely not your fault, only mine.”

“I feel like a fool, thinking everything was fine and then it all exploded into this mess. How can I make ye feel better? What can I do” I pleaded, my voice starting to crack.

“The worst thing a person can go through it to lose your identity, cause your past is what makes you who you are, good or bad, and I lost mine, I only remember fractions, Jamie. Looking at pictures is what I do, to try and remember and when I don’t, I focused on how I look. If I maybe just look like I did before, maybe it doesn’t matter that I can’t remember because I can identify myself with the person on the photo.”

“You can lose weight in a healthy way.” I said, what Claire revealed did make this more crisis understandable for the first time, but she was starving herself. That was the problem. “But ye dinna need to lose anything, I can’t honestly see the difference.”

“That’s because you are blinded by love and that you are a man.”

“No, because I think ye are beautiful.”

“I have gained 10 kilos since we moved home to Scotland.”

 

“If that truly is a problem for ye, then we can take long promenades or eat healthier. But I dinna think ye need to. I find ye more attractive now than ever, please don’t think otherwise.”

“I think that biggest reason now is that if I’m pregnant, I will gain even more.”

“Well if yer pregnant, you are supposed to gain weight. I want ye to and when the baby is born, we can focus on it later. Exercise in a healthy way. Starving isn’t going to fix it, it will only make ye feel worse.” I paused and took a deep breath. “Ye said Frank scolded ye on yer weight when ye were pregnant with Ellen.”

“He did.”

“Do you really think that’s an issue for me? Is that was scaring ye?” I asked, and Claire shyly nodded. “It’s not, the exact opposite Claire, I can’t wait to see ye round and pregnant with our child. That is my biggest sorrow, that I missed it the first time. I will love and cherish every single pound ye gain, I will worship yer body like it’s no tomorrow. Never doubt that.”

“I thought about what you said. That my period maybe is late because I have been bad at eating.”

“Aye. There is a possibility.”

“I’m buying a test tomorrow. I was so sure until now, maybe I’m not pregnant.”

“Even if yer not, I will worship ye and love ye.” I crept closer, so our bodies were flushed and tangled into each other. My hand on her hip.

“You promise?”

“Aye, cross my heart. Frank is lucky he is dead, or I would have killed him all over again for breaking yer spirit. Ye are the most beautiful woman in the world and I will tell you every day until ye believe me.”

“I just want to remember. Maybe if I could remember again, I wouldn’t obsessed with how I used to look.”

“But you are remembering, in these past months ye have remembered so much. Dinna give up. Your parents, Mary, Ye remember how we met.”

“I always want more when it comes to you.” Claire said. 

”I'll remember for the both of us.”

“I love you.” Claire whispered and leaned her head closer to mine. “We are forever.”

I kissed her, hard and passionate, trying in the best way I knew how to show her how much I wanted her, craved her body and soul. 

“We are forever.” I whispered against her lips. Every other problem tomorrow may bring was momentarily gone, my wife was the only thing I cared about.

 

_ She has me wrapped around her finger like always. _ I thought and smiled against her lips and kissed her again. 

 

"I wish I had a second chance to meet you for the first time."

 


	3. For the children

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For this chapter I had the wonderful reader @E_storm as beta, thank you for being you! ❤️

>  

**2 August 2019**

_Scotland_

 

 

**Friday.**

I woke up and I knew it was early because it was still dark outside. The silence was perfect, nobody in the house was awake yet and I looked down on Claire. She was sound asleep and our bodies were still tangled with each others. I brushed aside one of her curls so I could see her face better.

 

Sometimes people need to fall apart to truly see how much they need each other.  A painful reminder to know how fragile and yet how powerful a love can be.

 

The hardest thing with being a police officer and having a family is having someone worth losing. It makes you see everything in black and white, and there aren’t any grey areas. Death is inevitable. At any moment, in any time, you can lose the ones you love the most.

 

 _Sometimes I wish the sun wouldn't go up._ _That time stood still and I knew you will always be safe._

 

Being scared doesn't make you weak. It makes you human. I lost Claire once, I’m never losing her again.

 

I thought back to a time when the biggest problem we had was that there wasn’t enough time for us to be together. To a time where I realized just how much we really loved each other, even if we had just met - We were inseparable.

  


**10 December- 2012**

 

_”Are you the jealous type?” Claire suddenly asked. She was sitting next to me in the coffee shop, we only had an hour before she needed to go back to the hospital to work. It was one week after the night I had proposed and we had barely seen each other since. I took every chance I got to be with her._

 

_“I dinna ken, maybe. I guess I have never been with someone before who I cared enough to be worried about being cheated on.” I took a sip of my coffee, observing her. “But I’m sure I’m not batshit crazy like ye.”_

 

_“What? Batshit Crazy? I’m more of a medium kind of crazy.” Claire laughed and punched my arm._

 

_That Claire was the jealous type was new information that I discovered just last week, the night I proposed outside my uncle’s restaurant. Laoghaire meant nothing and I had never seen her in that way- she was only a friend that I kissed when I was a teenager, but it was clear that Claire had issues with her. It was cute that she was jealous but she really didn’t have to be worried, I saw nobody else but her._

 

_“Keep telling yerself that.” I said amused, laughing and then placed my mug on the table and took a big bite from my sandwich._

 

_“So if we were to run into an ex of mine, you wouldn’t be jealous?” She asked carefully and I saw that she was observing me as well, watching how I would react to the question._

 

_An ex? Who has she been dating? I hope it’s not someone I know._

 

_“Ehm. How many exes do ye have? Are they living here in Scotland?”_

 

_This conversation was new, I knew she hadn’t had a real relationship before me. I wasn’t stupid, I knew there had to be others before me but we had never talked about it._

 

_“Two, but I never called them boyfriend or anything._

 

_“Aha, and how long did ye date them?”_

 

_“I dated a pilot, Simon, for hmm maybe three months, and then it was Frederick Ward.” Claire looked out the window, reminiscing? I didn’t know, but this Ward guy seemed to be something more special then that Simon. “I casually saw Frederick on and off for six months.”_

 

_Six months?_

 

_“I see, and why didn’t you guys last?”_

 

_“They weren’t you.”_

 

_“I’m flattered,” I answered shortly and thought about the men she had dated. Three months and six months. That’s a long time, longer than either of my relationships had lasted and this Frederick guy, she had dated him even longer then we had been dating now. I wondered why she was telling me this and frankly, I didn’t like the idea of anyone being with Claire. Maybe I was the jealous type after all._

 

_“Is there a reason why you are telling me this now?”_

 

_“Well, yes.”_

 

_“Aye? Do tell.”_

 

_“Fredrik is a doctor I met when I started working at the hospital here in Edinburgh but he moved and transferred to another hospital in London.”_

 

_A doctor? Did he move because of her? I thought it was against the rules, a nurse dating a doctor, I thought to myself._

 

_“And?”_

 

_“He is back.” Claire answered casually, like it was nothing. “He started working at the hospital again yesterday.”_

 

_Yesterday? Why didn’t she tell me this then? I wondered._

 

_“I see and now yer saying that yer leaving me for him?” It was meant as a joke, or was it?_

 

_“No,” Claire answered amused “I just wanted to tell you because we are having a fundraiser gala next week and I would love for you to be my date.”_

 

_“I’m yer fiancé, of course I’ll be yer date. So is Frederick going to be there, too? That’s why yer wondering if I’m the jealous type, aye?”_

 

_“He doesn’t mean anything to me anymore but I didn’t want to surprise you, I mean if Frederick would say anything.”_

 

_What did he mean to you? Did you love him?_

 

_“Why would he say anything? Is he still into ye?”_

 

_“No, I don’t think so. No! of course he's not, it was ages ago.”_

 

_Then why the heads up?_

 

_“What kind of doctor is he? I never thought you were into older men.”_

 

_“He is a Pediatrician and I’m not, It was just me being destructive I guess. I was young and didn’t know anyone here.”_

 

_“How old is he?” I tried to play it cool but I was probably failing, this was getting to me more and more._

 

_“31.”_

 

_Six years older than us._

 

_“Are you okey?” Claire asked when I became quite. Million questions running through my head._

 

_“Yeah, I’m just surprised that’s all. Ye said ye hadn’t been in a relationship before ye met me and now yer telling me about a man ye dated for six months. That’s a long time Claire. We have only been seeing each other for four.”_

 

_“I wouldn’t call it a relationship, it was complicated.”_

 

_“Was it strictly physical? Ye fucked in the on call room?” I was surprised that I said it and by how cold I sounded._

 

_Okey wow. I guess I am the jealous type._

 

_“We don’t have to go into the details. But I never loved him.”_

 

_“How old were ye when ye dated him?”_

 

_“20. I had only lived in Scotland for a year or so.”_

 

_“Why did it end? Dinna say he wasn’t me.” I said irritated._

 

_“There wasn’t any specific reason, we didn’t really date. He got a new job and moved.”_

 

_“Did ye have any contact after he moved? If it ended because he got a new job, it wasn’t because ye stop liking each other.”_

 

_“We talked about a month then we just stopped. Like I said Jamie, it didn’t mean that much, to either of us. We were two adults who just realized it wasn’t serious and neither wanted long distance relationship.”_

 

_“Ye said it wasn’t a relationship.”_

 

_“You know what I mean.”_

 

_“Aye, ye were fuck buddies. I get it.”_

 

_“Are you angry?”_

 

_“No.” I lied. “It’s fine.”_

 

_“Doesn’t seem fine.”_

 

_“So have ye talked now? He started working yesterday ye said.”_

 

_“We have, briefly. It was nice to see him. I have read his medical articles, he is doing very well.”_

 

_Hero doctor. Saves kids. Pediatrician._

 

_“Good for him.” I answered sarcastically and Claire jumped closer to me with her chair._

 

_“Jamie, you have nothing to be worried about. I have never felt this strongly about anyone except you. For crying out loud I said I loved you two months after I met you and agreed to marry you after four. There is and can never be anyone else but you. We are forever, remember?”_

 

_“I hear ye.”_

 

_“I only thought I should tell you because I don’t want to hide it, Frederick means nothing but if I didn’t tell you about him and he would introduce himself and somehow tell you we dated it would feel wrong. I believe in honesty.”_

 

_“I appreciate yer candor, but I don’t believe ye when ye say it didn’t mean anything and it’s just strange that you thought he would tell me you dated. People don’t do that.”_

 

_“Laoghaire did.”_

 

_“Laoghaire was drunk, and we only kissed once. That’s different because I have never been in love with her. We were teenagers.”_

 

_“Twice, you kissed her twice.” Claire said. “And I was never in love with Fredrick.”_

 

_“Why did ye stay with him for six months? Ye said it wasn’t a relationship but it clearly was. Ye said ye would be honest, so what I’m asking is, did Frederick say he loved you?”_

 

_“He never said that he loved me, just that he was in love with me.”_

 

_“Why make this so damn complicated, ye had a relationship, end of story..”_

 

_“It wasn’t for me, I liked him but I was more lonely than interested in having a boyfriend.”_

 

_“I hope I’m not boring ye.”_

 

_“I’m interested now, Jamie, we are getting married. I’m marrying you.”_

 

_“We are not married yet.”_

 

_Things can happened._

 

_Frederick could happen._

 

_“Til death do us part, that’s the only thing that can separate us.”_

 

_I nodded, wordless. I didn’t like this conversation and I didn’t like that there was someone before me and that someone had now started working with Claire again. My list of exes was probably longer and I shouldn’t care but I did._

 

_“James Fraser.” Claire said and looked down at her watch on her wrist “We have 42 minutes before I need to go back. Can’t we just enjoy this beautiful day and be happy again.”_

 

_She is right. Get your shit together. She loves you. I said to myself and I looked up at her smiling._

 

_“I’m sorry, I guess this ex thing got in my head. Yer right.” I took her hand, brought it up to my lips, and gave her soft kiss. “So tell me about this gala.”_

 

_“The hospital is fundraising money for children with cancer with the F.O.C - For our Children. They are a company who is funding research for fighting childhood cancer and ensuring that affected children, young people, and their families receive the care and support they need. It’s going to be very fancy. I expect you to wear a tux.” Claire was glowing, passionate while talking about this event while I tried to forget about Frederick. “And there are doctors and nurses from throughout Scotland that will be attending. I’m so glad the hospital is finally doing this.”_

 

_“Sounds incredible, Claire. I’ll bring my checkbook and wear my best suit for the occasion.”_

 

_“Joe and I have been honored with opportunity to give a speech. I’m probably going to throw up but I’m so excited.”_

 

_“You are? Wow, Claire that’s amazing.” I drew her closer and kissed her with pride. “But why is it ye and Joe? No disrespect.”_

 

_“I’m a woman and Joe is black. Makes the hospital look good I guess, I never asked. I have been working with the kids for quite some time now and one of the girls, Lauren, she is ten years old and she was diagnosed with Glioblastoma - brain cancer, we have become very close and her parents love me as much as I love them. Lauren’s father is on the committee, maybe he put in a good word. It doesn’t matter why, it’s an honor.”_

 

_“That it is, I’m verra proud.  What are you going to say?”_

 

_“I have started writing the speech, I can read what I have later when I come home.”_

 

_“I like the sound of that.”_

 

_“What?” Claire asked, her mouth stuffed with bread._

 

_“Home. That ye say that my apartment is home.”_

 

_“Wherever you are is home, Jamie, and I have been sleeping at your place for the last five weeks and we are getting married. Maybe it’s time that I put my apartment up for sale?”_

 

_“I thought you rented, how the hell did you afford that place?”_

 

_Silence._

 

_I looked at Claire when she didn’t answer. There was something strange with how she looked and I wondered if what I had said was wrong._

 

_“Claire?”_

 

_“I payed for it with the money I got when my parents died.” She answered low, it sounded like she was lying but why would she lie?_

 

_“Maybe we can sell my place too and find something new together?”_

 

_The strange tension broke and Claire smiled. Whatever just happened seemed like it never happened at all_

 

_“I would love that. A fresh start.”_

  


**_One week later. 17th_ **

 

_The days flew by and during the week we put Claire’s apartment up for sale like we talked about. We decided that because my apartment was bigger we should live there until we found a new place we wanted to buy together._

 

_I had already been saving for a few weeks to buy a ring for Claire and now, finally, I had enough to buy her one. I had it all planned out. I was going to give it to her after the gala tonight. The ring wasn’t as luxurious as I had wanted but I bought her a gold ring with diamonds. They were very small diamonds but they were there. My mother’s ring would have been better, but Jenny deserved to have it. This ring could be the start of a new tradition. If we were to have children, they could maybe inherit it. Okey calm down. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted kids. The future will tell._

 

**_6.32PM_ **

 

_Claire needed to leave before I did. She had volunteered to help out before the gala began and she left while I was still in the shower, shouting to me that Joe, her coworker, was waiting downstairs. I didn’t get a chance to see how she looked before she left._

 

_After my shower, I walked to my closet with a towel around my hips, water dripping down my shoulder and I took out my black tux from where it was hanging next to my uniform. I had rarely used it, just bought it for my father’s funeral. The last time I had used it was a year ago when my mother died, making this the first time I wore it for something besides a funeral._

 

_I walked over to the mirror for an inspection. I usually just had my long hair in a bun, but today I went for another look and combed it back. I looked good, handsome even. I laughed how silly I sounded in my head but I looked really smokin hot in this tux._

 

_I couldn’t wait to to see Claire and hear her speech._

 

_Claire had practiced in front me a few times but I hadn’t heard the full speach, just the beginning. Claire had been nervous the whole day, barely eating her lunch, but I reassured her that she would be great, amazing even, but I felt a little nervous myself, in a good way._

 

_Before I left, I remembered the ring and ran back to my bedroom to get the little black box and put it in the inside pocket of my jacket. I took a deep breath and walked down to the cab waiting for me._

 

**_7.10PM_ **

 

_The gala was being held in the facility next to the hospital. I stepped out of the cab and walked towards the entrance where there was a man standing with Christmas trees scattered all over the ground. I read the sign nearby:_

 

_For the children._

_Tree $20_

_All funds go to charity._

 

_It was a smart move to sell Christmas trees with Christmas just a week away and I reminded myself as I walked past them that I should buy one before we left. I wasn’t that into Christmas but it was clear that Claire loved it._

 

_I was impressed already when I walked into the big room. There were different TV-Channels that were supposed to be filming the event, and each table had Christmas decorations and ornaments. I search the room for Claire. She stood in the middle next to a man I didn’t recognize, who was tall and black but wasn’t Joe._

 

_I started walking over to her, completely entranced by how stunning Claire looked and I couldn’t stop looking. Her brown curls were hanging down, framing her beautiful face and she was wearing a long, red dress with a deep cut, showing off her clavicle._

 

_Wow._

 

_I had never seen her like this and almost felt the need to pick her up and carry her over my shoulder and leave the party immediately. ‘God she is gorgeous. How the hell did I get this lucky?’ I thought._

 

_“Jamie!” Claire was beaming with joy when she saw me and I couldn’t help smiling back. She turned back to the man she was standing by. “Frederick, this is my fiancé, James Fraser.”_

 

_Frederick Ward. I took him in, all of him. Christ, he looked like Idris Elba, even with his British accent. The man was the opposite of me. We only matched in height and all I could think of was that I felt the need to challenge him to a duel. My mood was already bitter._

 

_“Nice to finally meet the man who won Claire Beauchamp.” Frederick said politely and we shook hands and I smiled with fake warmth at him. He probably didn’t notice, with all of his attention on Claire who was eyeing the bar._

 

_“James Fraser. Aye, I’m the lucky one.”_

 

_“Why don’t I get us a round of drinks and you two can get to know each other?” Claire looked nervously at both of us and we both nodded in response._

 

_Really Claire?_

 

_Then Claire walked towards the bar, her hips swaying in her high heels and my eyes were immediately glued to her round ass which was accentuated by the dress she was wearing. Then she was out of sight and we were forced to pay attention to each other._

 

_“So yer a pediatrician?”_

 

_“I am, but I’m also VD at F.O.C, the company hosting this event” he answered. He sounded snobbish and I hated the guy even more._

 

_‘Of course you are,’ I thought._

 

_“I started it with my brother Derek, he is standing over there.” Fredrick said and pointed over to a man standing on the other side of the room. “And where do you work at?”_

 

_“I’m a police officer, working at Scotland Police.” I answered proudly._

 

_“Interesting. How did you meet the lovely Claire?”_

 

_“Got injured and she stitched me back up.”_

 

_“She is a gemstone, you are a lucky man. I never thought she would settle for anything other than a doctor.”_

 

_“I guess I should thank ye for that. If she hadn’t dated ye she would have never realized that doctors aren’t worth having if ye ain’t sick.” I replied, irritated. The man was definitely trying to provoke me and it was working. He clearly still had a thing for Claire and I wanted to punch his smug smile away._

 

_“So she has told you.”_

 

_“Aye,” I replied. Frederick may have been tall, but I was taller. I leaned in closer to him, towering over him. “We dinna have secrets.”_

 

_“Good to know. What did you think of the offer I gave her?” He asked casually and I blinked, not comprehending. I had no idea what he was talking about. “I have asked Claire to come with me to South Africa. She is more than just a nurse, she is brilliant and she can’t grow here. Claire needs to be a doctor and I offered her a scholarship.”_

 

_South Africa?_

 

_Out of nowhere Claire reappeared with three champagne glasses in her hand, balancing them all very gracefully and handed me one, then one to Frederick._

 

_”For the children,” Claire toasted._

 

_“For the children.” Frederick and me echoed._

 

_“If you excuse me.” Frederick said. “It’s time for me to talk soon.”_

 

_I waited until he was gone._

 

_“Why did ye leave me alone with him?”_

 

_“I just…”_

 

_“What?” I interrupted her. “Did you think that  we could be best friends and bond over how both of us have been blessed to have ye? That was low Claire, and the man clearly has feelings for ye.” I was furious. “and what about the offer he gave ye? Why haven’t ye told me.”_

 

_“Breath Jamie.” Claire tried to calm me down and that only made it worse. “I didn’t leave you with alone to be hurtful, didn’t you see Joe? He was standing by the bar and waving for me to come over. I’m sorry but it was important. What did Frederick say?”_

 

_“He told me about the scholarship. Congratulations.”_

 

_“I’m not taking it, he asked me this morning and I said no.”_

 

_“Why not? It’s a wonderful opportunity for ye.” I answered saddened. Long distance relationship wasn’t what I wanted for us. But she needed to go, she had applied for medical school and had yet to hear a word. This was her chance, she should take it._

 

_“I don’t need it. With the money I’m getting from the apartment I have enough to finance medical school, here in Scotland. I’m not going anywhere.”_

 

_“What?”_

 

_“I wanted to surprise you, I got in.”_

 

_“Ye did?” I asked surprised and a smile crept on face._

 

_“Yes.” Claire mirror my smile and I sighed._

 

_“I’m sorry, this is incredible news Claire!” I lifted her up from the ground, spinning her around and she leaned down to kiss me._

 

_“I’m never leaving you, silly. Scotland is my home now, you are my home.”_

 

_Relief._

 

_“I’m a jealous bastard. I dinna ken what’s happening.”_

 

_“I guess you finally have someone worth losing.” Claire whispered against my lips._

 

_“Aye.”_

 

_“Dr. Claire Fraser, sounds pretty perfect huh?”_

 

_“Oh Aye, it does, that it does.”_

 

_“We will probably have less time together but I promise I will make it worth your while.”_

 

_“Dinna care, I will stay up all night studying with ye. Follow yer dream, yer dreams are mine as well.”_

 

_“Thank you.” Claire kissed me again. I felt embarrassed for how I acted, not only with Fredrick but with how I wasn’t being supportive from the beginning. South Africa would have been perfect for her too, but I was glad she was staying, with me._

 

_“Everyone.” A loud voice exoched out from the speakers. “Can everyone find yer places.”_

 

_“Come on, our seats are over here.” Claire said and took my hand and I followed her to a table at the front and sat down next to her. Joe Abernathy and a few others I knew who worked with Claire sat by our table._

 

**_8.42PM_ **

 

_We had the perfect night, the food was delicious and I didn’t even flinch when Frederick Ward was up on the stage talking about his new project. He was going to South Africa for three years, volunteering and taking care of sick kids. The man was saint and I hated to admit that I hated him a little less when he talked. It was for a good cause and he told everyone that he was taking four people from Edinburgh Hospital with him, and they would be getting their medical education for free since they were going with him. My heart felt lighter knowing Claire was staying._

 

_Then it was time for Claire and Joe to speak._

 

_Joe was up first and he gave a nice and short speech. He was a general surgeon. He moved to Scotland from America and spoke of the differences, how Scotland had affected him in a positive way and that he was honored with this chance to do good in a country he now felt was his home._

 

_I squeezed Claire’s hand when they called her name, the poor lass looked like she was going to faint. “Go get them, love.” I said and Claire smiled nervously and walked away from the table and took the stage._

 

_“Hi everyone. I’m Claire Beauchamp, thank you for coming out tonight. We have raised more money than we could have ever imagined, please give yourself a round of applause.” Claire said cheerfully and everyone applauded. “I’m so honored that I was given this opportunity to speak. I’m a nurse here at Edinburgh Hospital. Like everyone else, I found Scotland and fell in love with it instantly. With the beautiful highlands, with the mountains and I fell in love with the people. Like my fabulous coworker Dr. Joe Abernathy said, Scotland is the home of my heart.”_

 

_I watched Claire, maybe she had been nervous before but she definitely wasn’t anymore. She was in her element, she belonged up there and, just like me, everyone watched her and was completely enchanted by her._

 

_“I have been working with the children, the strong and fearless children who are fighting a battle none of us can ever imagine. When I was asked to give a speech, I talked to my friend Laura. She and her parents gave me permission to talk about her tonight. Lauren is ten years old and has Glioblastoma - brain cancer, she isn’t getting out of this alive and she knows that. But still she makes sure that everyone around her is happy. Even when she is dead tired from chemo, she sits down and reads to the younger kids. She is my inspiration in life. She has a saying, when someone is feeling low or are in pain she always comforts them by telling them this - Life is easy for some but for others like you and me, life is a constant struggle. A fight, life has given us, because we are strong enough to fight it. We are soldiers and we will win this war and you will survive this.”_

 

_Claire paused her speech and wiped away the tears running down her face. I was crying too and I heard sniffles throughout the room._

 

_“Lauren is ten years old and she tells them this everyday even though she too sometimes feels like life is hopeless, but she stays strong and keeps encouraging the other children. She is my hero and she is the bravest little girl I know. With this money we have raised tonight, we are taking a step forward, so maybe other children in the future can be saved. Lauren is living on borrowed time but she is making sure that each moment counts. She is fire, and she will continue to burn after she is gone. I want to thank F.O.C for never giving up on the children, they are our future and tonight I’m grateful to say that because of Laura, I’m going to medical school and I’m going to become a doctor, a Neurologist, and spend the rest of my days continuing the battle in Laura’s name and hopefully one day, we can save them all. Thank you.”_

 

_Claire walked off the stage and I was incapable of moving for a second, too emotional and moved by her speech and promise. I was marrying her, that strong and powerful woman, I thought, and promised myself to never again stand in her way. She will achieve greatness._

 

_“How did I do?” Claire asked shyly when she took her place next to me again. People were still applauding in the background._

 

_“I have never met a stronger woman. I’m speechless. Christ, Claire you were incredible. I’m the proudest man in the world. You were.. I cried.”_

 

_“I saw that.” Claire smiled and took my hand. “I know that I can’t save Lauren and that breaks my heart but if I can only save one, then I will be the richest person in the world. This is the path I was born to walk and I’m grateful to have you by my side.”_

 

_“I’ll follow ye everywhere.” I answered and remember what I had in my inside pocket, there couldn’t be a more perfect moment and I released her hand to fetch it. Claire watched me as I took out the little black box and opened it. Her eyes widened in surprise. “In a room full of people, ye shine the brightest, Claire. I don’t think I have realized exactly how revolutionary and powerful ye are and I promise I will stand by you and support you today and for the rest of my life. Claire will ye please accept this ring?”_

 

_“Aye.” Claire imitation was the worst but it was perfect nevertheless. “Shine with me Jamie, together we are even brighter.”_

 

_I chuckled and took her hand, my heart beating faster, and placed the ring on her finger. I had never felt more complete._

 

_We are forever._

 

_”Ehm. There is a break of a few minutes, I want to show you something.” Claire leaned forward, closer. “In private…”_

 

_I looked at her, I knew that look and we silently rose from the table at the same time. She grabbed my hand and we left the room and turned right and went down a long hallway. I tried to keep a straight face but I couldn’t help but smile, Claire eagerness and frustration when all the doors we tried to opened were locked. We were far away from the party, I didn’t know how many lefts and rights we had taken._

 

_“Damn this place.” Claire swore and I laughed out loud._

 

_“Ye dinna need to get so upset.” I said and she stopped walking. “We can do this at home, later.”_

 

_Claire narrowed her eyes and then looked around to make sure we were alone._

 

_“I don’t want to do it later.” Claire fingers slowly trailed down from my chest down to my pants. She unbuckled my belt and snuck her hand into my boxers and grabbed my cock. “Your future wife is asking nicely.”_

 

_“What are ye asking, future wife?” I asked. Claire smirked and started moving her hand, stroking my cock and I swallowed hard._

 

_“You know.”_

 

_“Say it.” I teased her. “I wanna hear ye say it.”_

 

_“I want you to fuck me. Right here.”_

 

_“Here?” I laughed, but Claire didn’t. She raised her eyebrows in question. “Yer mad.”_

 

_“I dare you.”_

 

_Christ._

 

_I shook my head, amused and turned on at the same time. I took a quick look myself to make sure we were alone._

 

_“I’m so glad that I am marrying ye.”_

 

_I quickly turned us around, and pinned Claire against the wall. She laughed and I kissed her hard, her hand still in my pants stroking and rubbing, making me harder than ever._

 

_I lifted her red dress up and pulled her panties aside. She was wet, ready, and as turned on as myself. I entered her, but before I was completely sheathed inside her, I pulled back slowly, teasing her, then continued to make love to my future wife in the empty corridor, knowing we could be caught at any time._

 

_“Jamie.”_

 

 _Claire breathed heavily and moaned, but other than that, the only sound that was heard was the thud of her back against the wall and the wet sound from our bodies meeting. It was like being in another world. Nothing around us existed_ .  
  


 

——-

**Friday.**

 

**6.10AM**

 

“Good morning.” I said when I saw Claire’s eyes fluttering open. I leaned down and kissed her softly on her lips.

 

“Who said it was a good morning.” Claire replied with sleepy voice but she smiled.

 

“Ha, such a sweetheart.”

 

“I'm bitter and complicated. It's one of my many charms.”

 

“Yer not a morning person, I know, but It’s Ellen’s birthday. It’s a damn good morning.”

 

“The first of many.”

 

“Aye, now we only need to give her a sibling or two, so she won’t be alone after we are gone.”

 

“Speaking of siblings, you need to talk to Jenny. She wasn’t very pleased with you staying in our room all day yesterday.”

 

“I know, I’m going to apologize.” I said remorseful. “But Claire, are ye going to buy a test today? It would be an even more magical day if we find out if yer pregnant.”

 

“Must we do it today? What if it’s negative, then it will ruin the mood. I want to be ridiculously happy today.”

 

“It wouldn’t ruin it.”

 

“For me it would.”

 

I looked down on Claire’s naked hand. The ring I had bought her years ago had disappeared after her accident, maybe it was still in the water or Frank had threw it out, but it was gone and I felt like an idiot. Why hadn’t I bought her a new one?

 

I got up from the bed and Claire watched me with an amused look when I started digging in my nightstand while naked. I found nothing that could pose as a ring and frustratedly closed the drawers again. I walked over to Claire’s side of the bed and fell down on my knees.

 

“Take my hand.”  

 

“Why?”   

 

“Because I’m trying to ask ye to marry me, damnit.”

 

“We are married.”

 

“I want ye to remember it. I’m asking again.”

 

Claire sat up in front of me, naked and beautiful as always and she took my hand.

 

“A long time ago I promised you to support ye and be by yer side. Lately, I have been doing a poor job with that. If medical school is yer dream, I will go through it again, I will be there.” I smiled and took up my free hand, my index finger and thumb pretending to be holding a invisible ring. “Once again, I dinna have a ring but I’m still asking. Will ye please do me the honor of marrying me, _again_.

 

“Yes.” Claire answered breathlessly and then something happened. She was staring at me, but not really at looking at me and she disappeared for a second.

 

“Claire?”

 

“Do I still shine the brightest? After all this time?”

 

“Ye remembered that?” I asked, my voice shaking and Claire nodded, tears in her eyes but she was laughing and I broke down, tears streaming down my face.

 

“Shine with me Jamie, together we are even brighter.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okey I really struggled with this chapter, but it turned out good in the end. Not the way I thought it would go but I’m rolling with it. Thank you @E_storm for being beta again, you made this so much prettier ❤️
> 
> I’m dying to hear what you guys think! And yes, drama is my middle name. Enjoy.

The fear of letting anyone see you, really see you - Looking into your eyes, letting your true self be seen - is terrifying. Words are easy being said, but saying them, knowing the person you love is seeing through the lies and see your shattered self-image. That’s trust.

 

**Friday**

**6.48AM**

“Who exactly is coming today?” I asked Claire. She was standing next to me in the kitchen, drinking her coffee while I was preparing Ellen’s birthday breakfast, making her pancakes just like my mother Ellen always did on my birthday. I was measuring flour into a large mixing bowl.

_One, two, three and four._

“I have invited Willie and his wife Melinda, they are bringing their two kids Lena and Tom. Their youngest, Tom, is Ellen’s age,” Claire answered. “Mary is coming and of course the lovely twins, Rupert and Angus.”

“Did ye invite Laoghaire?” I asked casually, knowing she didn’t like the lass.

“Yes. I did.”

“Ye didn’t need to, you know that.”

“Well, I did, and she said that she is coming.”

“Who else? I ken Ian is coming around four.”

“Your uncle, Dougal”

“Ah, never thought Dougal would take a day off from the restaurant.”

“He is, and he is bringing his wife, Maura.”

“Sounds like ye have been studying. Ye ken I know who they are married to.” I said and laughed. I looked over to Claire when she didn’t answer. “Claire?”

“Well I don’t remember them so, I have been looking at pictures, memorizing their faces and names.”

“Everyone knows about yer amnesia, ye dinna have to.”

“Yes, I do! I’m sick of having people I should remember introducing themselves to me.”

“I’m sorry, Claire, of course you should if you want to. Who else? Or is that it?”

“Rose Ward and her husband.”

Rose Ward, a Scottish woman around our age, who Claire had met at the playground. Her daughter Patricia and Ellen got along just fine. But since they are only one, it was more like their mother’s getting along and wanting to spend time together. I had met her two times at the park, but this was the first time she was coming over to our house.

“Aha.” I nodded and continued measuring the ingredients. “That’s nice.”

“Yeah, I think so, too. Hopefully we can hang out with her and her husband if you guys get along.”

“Couples’ dinner? Nah. That’s not my thing.”

“You are so boring. We are adults, this is what adults do. I haven’t met her husband yet but I’m sure you will get along just fine.”

“Claire, just because ye are married and have kids, doesn’t necessarily mean that ye need to hang out with other people who have kids.”

“Wille has two and you like to hang out with him.”

“That’s different, he was already a friend. Dinna need to get more. I’m absolutely satisfied with the ones I have.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot. You don’t like to socialize.”

“I do. I love to have a wee dinner with people I enjoy talking to and I wouldn’t say no if anyone asked me to have a dram or two at the pub...”

I heard footsteps coming down the stairs and Jenny walked into the kitchen.

“Good morning brother. I see ye are in a better mood today,” Jenny greeted me.

“Well, good morning to ye sister.” I smiled the boyish and mischievous smile I knew she couldn’t resist.

“Ye can stop that James Fraser, I ken yer sleeping bad with a child to boot but yer behavior yesterday was..”

“I ken, I ken, Jenny,” I interrupted my sister. She didn’t like to be interrupted and gave me an irritated look. I stopped making the pancake batter and walked over to her, giving her one last smile to get her to open up her arms for me, then I drew my big sister into a warm embrace. “I am so verra sorry for how I acted. It was unacceptable and I’m deeply sorry.”

“Are ye making pancakes?” Jenny’s voice sounded muffled as I hugged her closer.

“I am, just like mum did.” I leaned my head down and rested on top of hers. It was strange how much she smelled like our mother. Just like roses. I closed my eyes and just for a second, I was a child back at Lallybroch again and I could hear my mother singing and pictured her dancing around our kitchen while making pancakes. Tears welled up in my eyes and I opened them again.

“Ye okey brother?” Jenny asked in a low voice. She had a sixth sense for knowing when I was sad.

“I will be,” I answered just as low and kissed her forehead before I released her from my arms.

“Tis a wonderful way to keep her with us. What can I do to help?” Jenny asked, and I handed her the recipe I had written down earlier. It was our mother’s and I had written it down from memory. Jenny looked at the paper and nodded as she read it

“Just like she made them.” Jenny smiled at me. “Here let me help ye. Did ye buy chocolate?”

“What kind of chocolate?” Claire asked us.

“Just ordinary chocolate chips, our mother always sprinkled them on top. Made it more fun, she said,” Jenny answered.

“But the truth is that she only wanted them for herself. Our mother was very enthusiastic when it came to chocolate, she had a stash with chocolate everywhere,” I said and cracked an egg into the bowl.

“Chocolate makes everything fun,” Jenny quoted our mother and we all laughed.

“I guess our daughter takes after her namesake then, she must have inherited the chocolate enthusiasm as well as the name.”

“Ye did good Claire, couldn’t think of a finer way to honor our mother, I thank ye for it,” Jenny said and looked down on her hands, fidgeting with her ring, our mother’s ring.

It pained me that Jenny couldn’t bear children of her own and that she still hadn’t heard anything from the adoption agency. But I still had faith Jenny would, in some way, become a mother.

“So, when is yer cousin going to wake up?” Jenny asked, and I got irritated all over again. I had forgotten all about Tina and John Grey, who were still sleeping upstairs in the second guest room.

“Oh. Ehm. Not sure, they are probably very tired,” Claire answered nervously and looked at me.

“Maybe we should wake them? I’m sure they would want to sing happy birthday to Ellen when we go up to wake her?”

“No,” I answered before Claire had the chance to say anything more. “Let them sleep.”

“But John is Claire’s only relative, of course he will want to join us.”

“They can celebrate her birthday later. They are jet lagged,” Claire answered, and I held my tongue. I had a different answer in mind and it wasn’t pleasant.

**7.12AM**

I walked up the stairs holding a tray with a plate of three pancakes stacked on top of each other, with chocolate sprinkles and one single lit candle on top. Claire was walking in front of me and I got overwhelmed with emotions. My daughter’s first birthday. _Where did the time go?_

Claire opened Ellen’s bedroom door and all three of us started singing happy birthday.

Ellen woke up and slowly sat up with her brown curly hair all ruffled and started rubbing her droopy eyes.

“Happy birthday, Ellen.”

“Blow out the candle baby,” Claire said, and I brought the tray closer. Ellen did an effortless job and there was probably more spit then air coming out from her little mouth, but she laughed and clapped her hands even if it was Claire who secretly blew that candle out.

“Cake.” Ellen was quicker than I thought she could be, and she took the pancake on top and stuffed her mouth full. It was her birthday after all and I didn’t care that her sheets got stained with chocolate.

I watched her eat that pancake like it was the last pancake on earth and I got emotional all over again. Nine months had passed so fast, and in nearly two days I was going back to work and would miss so much with Ellen. _What if she forgets me? What if she misses me too much? What if she learns to say a whole sentence?_ The thought made me sad and I quickly wiped away a tear before anyone noticed I was crying.

“Ellen,” Jenny said and raised her coffee mug up in air. “Let ye slay all the dragons in the cold mountains. Let ye defeat the wicked witch in the west. Let ye ride the beastly and beautiful Loch Ness Monster. Let ye be crowned queen of Scotland. Fearless, unstoppable and all mighty.”

_Damn it._

Jenny gave Ellen the birthday wishes our mother always gave us. I was always crowned king and Jenny queen. It was an inspirational toast. I had forgotten all about it and when Jenny spoke, I got goosebumps all over my arms and couldn’t help but cry tears of joy and happiness which streamed down my cheeks as I raised my own mug.

“To Queen Ellen,” Jenny and I toasted at the same time. “May she rule the world.”

“This is tradition ye ken,” Jenny said to Claire who looked at us, amused.

“I think it’s lovely.” Claire smiled and raised her mug as well. “Long live the queen of Scotland.”

My heart tightened. it was only morning and this day had turned out to be more emotional than I had thought. I had suppressed my grief when it came to my dead parents, I thought of them often but rarely spoke of them out loud. My mother was easier, but I still couldn’t speak of my father Brian, who had been my best friend. The man I hoped I could grow up to be but I knew that I was far less of man than he was. I was ashamed of even thinking I could ever be like him- a wonderful father, a hero.

**10.59AM**

“Damn this tape is useless.”

Suddenly Claire stood next to me, carrying Ellen on her hip and they both looked amused. I was standing in the living room preparing for the birthday party, putting up balloons and other sparkling decorations on the walls but mostly swearing out loud in frustration.

“Where is Jenny?” I asked and stepped down from the chair I had been standing on. I walked over to my wife and daughter, and kissed them both. “She has been gone for a while now. How long does it take to buy more balloons?”

“Who knows, maybe she found herself a tall stranger and ran away with him.” Claire joked and I laughed. Jenny would never leave Ian.

“Hmm. Maybe I should call her?”

“No, let her be. I’m sure it’s nice for her to be alone and wander the streets. She has been sleeping badly.”

“Aye? Why?” I asked, worried, and felt ashamed that I didn’t know that.

“She is grieving. She thought she would have adopted a child by now.”

“But it has only been a year, their time will come.”

“Only a year..” Claire rolled her eyes. “In a motherless time that is 100 years, Jamie.”

“Yer right, what can I do to make her feel better?”

“Just be there for her.”

I nodded, wordless. _Be there._

“Where is the happy couple?” I asked. I had seen neither John nor Tina this morning. I was thankful for it, but I found it strange they hadn’t come out yet.

“They are still sleeping. I can’t imagine how scared they must have been. I don’t think they have slept in ages.”

“If Stefano Donatello was after me, I would be scared too.” I said irritatedly.

“Okey. Changing the subject before this turns into another fight.”

“Aye, that’s good. ‘Tis a wonderful day, we can ruin tomorrow instead.”

“My dear and loving husband,” Claire said, and I was instantly in a better mood. We could disrupt the peace tomorrow. “You asked me to marry you yesterday.”

I smiled, my grin so wide that I thought my face would crack.

“I did.”

_Again._

“I want to pick out the ring this time. If that’s okay.”

“I see, who said ye didn’t the last time.” I winked at her.

“Just another little detail I seem to know.” Claire smiled widely back at me. “And this proposal, was it a grand gesture or are we seriously getting married again?”

“Oh yes, we are definitely getting married again. White dress, veil, and everything.”

“We don’t have to empty our bank accounts, that’s unnecessary.” Claire let out a chuckle. “But I love the idea of rewriting our vows and standing in front of a priest, _without_ the white dress.”

“We didn’t write our owns wows,” I told her. “‘We are forever’ was engraved in our rings but nothing else.”

“Strange, I was sure we did,” Claire said with a confused look on her face. “Nevertheless, I want us to write our own _this_ time.”

“Whatever ye want. Even the ring. Ye can pick it out.”

“How about now?”

“Right now?” I asked surprised.

“Mmhm..”

I looked around the living room. I had done almost everything that I needed to do with the decorations. I just needed to put up the balloons Jenny was out buying. The cake I picked up yesterday and the pink frosted cookies were laying in the kitchen. I was going all in with Ellen’s birthday. Pink cookies mixed with a Batman birthday cake. Perfect.

“Alright, let's go,” I said cheerfully. “Just let me text Jenny.”

**Jamie: We are going out. Just so you know. See you soon.**

I sent the text and three little dots appeared immediately, indicated that Jenny was writing back.

**Jenny: I’ll be back soon.**

I put my phone in my jeans pocket. _I need to speak with her later._ I thought. See what’s going on with her.

The three of us walked to the hallway and put on our jackets. When I opened the front door, Claire walked out first and I heard a sound coming from upstairs. _Hmm, now they decide to wake up._ I shook my head dismissively and closed the door.

**11.31AM**

Ellen fell asleep immediately during the car ride over to the jewelry store. I carefully carried her over from the car seat to the spare stroller we always had in the car. The lass was so tired she didn’t even wake up.

It felt thrilling, walking into the store. The ring I gave her six years ago had been a gold one. I was curious about what Claire was going to pick out now.

The store was very small, and I was glad Ellen was sleeping, there were so many display cases you didn’t want to touch anything without the fearing to break something or smudging the glass. I felt that my big figure was an issue for the first time in a long time.

“Hi, how can I help ye.” A saleswoman approached us.

“Yes, we are looking for wedding bands,” I replied, noticing that this was an expensive store. _I hope I can afford the ring she wants._

"Ye are definitely in the right place then!” She led us over to the large display cases filled with rings of all sizes and colors.

“Do ye see a particular style yer fiancée would like?” She asked me, and I looked at Claire.

“We are already married.” Claire smiled politely and looked down on the display. “I want something simple, maybe silver?”

_Simple?_

I bit my lip in thought, looking over the rings displayed to find the perfect one for Claire. She was anything but a simple woman. She deserved the world.

“We have a few options of carat size. Let me show you them. The diamonds are small and simple - elegant,” the saleswoman said, disappearing below to pull out the rings.

“No thank you, no diamonds. Just a simple silver ring.”

“Claire.” I said sympathetic. “We can afford one with diamonds.”

“I know that. But I want a silver one, clean, and _without_ diamonds.”

“Ye heard the lady.” The saleswoman said. “Let me go to the back and I’ll get ye what ye want.”

When the woman disappeared behind a blue curtain I turned to Claire.

“Why a silver ring?”

“I like silver.” She answered simply. “I loved the ring you picked out for me before, but that was another Claire, I want something different. The simplicity of happiness, that we don’t need to spend a lot of money, is what this ring represents. You and me.”

“But I want ye to have a special ring.”

“Oh, just you wait husband. I’m not done. It will be special.” Claire winked at me and I wondered what she meant.

The saleswoman came back, and we walked over to the counter. She placed one simple silver ring in front of us and Claire took it out of the box for inspection.

“Do you custom make rings?” Claire asked, and the woman nodded. Claire started digging in her pocket and placed a small item on the counter. I leaned forward and saw a tiny gold lump.

“This is my old ring, what’s left off it anyway.” Claire said, and my eyes widened in surprise. “Is it possible for you to melt it down and somehow intertwine it with this silver ring?”

“Yes of course.” The woman replied smiling. “I can have it done in two days. Do you want anything else?”

Claire looked at me, waiting for me to answer.

“Maybe you can get a second ring for my husband. He doesn’t have a ring and I need to make sure everyone knows he is _mine_.”

My ring, my gold ring. I know I misplaced it sometime during the move from Scotland to America. I still hadn’t found it.

“Do ye want me to make it the same design as yours? I think there's enough gold for both.”

“Yes please.” Claire answered. “Is it possible to pay more to have them done sooner?”

“For an extra cost, I can have them made in one hour.”

“It’s a done deal.” Claire smiled, and I was incapable of talking. I had no idea she had that little lump that had once been the ring I gave her six years ago. It was very small, and I wondered where the rest was.

We paid for the rings and left the store.

“How is it that ye had that” I asked Claire when we stood outside.

“When I woke up in Liverpool after my accident and Frank said we were married. I found it in the fireplace when I walked past it. He had obviously thrown it in there and I couldn’t understand why. I saw it melting and tried to save it and that little piece was all that was left of it. I’m a practical woman, I thought it was a waste to throw away gold, so I just kept it. And now I know that he was getting rid of the last piece of evidence of our marriage.”

“Why didn’t ye tell me?”

“Honestly, I had forgotten all about it until today.”

“I’m very happy that ye saved it.”

“Me too.” Claire placed her hands on my cheeks. “But even if I hadn’t, I was completely satisfied just to have you, the material things aren’t necessary, Jamie.”

“Aye, I ken that just fine but just as ye said, I want everyone to know yer mine.” I leaned down and kissed her, the autumn wind blowing in our faces.

“There is no way I ever would have taken it off willingly. That I know. Next time, Satan himself needs to cut off my finger.”

I laughed so hard, tears started running down my cheeks and my stomach ached.

“I would want to see that,” I said. “A pretty lass like yerself fighting the devil. That’s..”

“Oh really? Don’t think I can take him?”

“I’m sure ye’ll never get the chance.” I kissed her again. Claire was too kind to ever go to hell and if she did I would follow her there.

**1.54PM**

The rings took longer than we expected but we had a nice and calm lunch together while Ellen slept through the whole thing.

The two red boxes containing our rings were secure in my jacket pocket. We decided to open them after the party. Our guests were going to arrive soon.

“Jenny?” I shouted from the hallway. The smell of cake and sugar filled the air. “We are back.”

Claire quickly ran upstairs and I heard her close the bathroom door. She had been holding it for a while and I started laughing just thinking about how angry she was in the car over the fact that the toilet had been broken in the restaurant we had lunch in earlier

I walked into the living room carrying Ellen. Jenny had finished decorating and it looked magnificent. She had rearranged everything. There were multiple balloons in different colors and shapes, and I noticed that Jenny had taken upon herself to do a little tidying. The room was cleaner than it was before I left. _Typical Jenny._ I smiled.

“There is the birthday girl.” Jenny walked into the living room, looking different. Happier, glowing even. “Come to auntie, let me hug ye.”

Ellen’s giggled as Jenny started tickling her before she took her out of my arms.

“Ye seem different?”

“Can a lass not be happy on her only niece’s birthday?” Jenny asked and kissed Ellen’s chubby cheek, making Ellen giggle even more. “It’s a wonderful day.”

I shook my head. This was not the time to talk about her sorrows, especially when she was in this joyful of a mood.

“Ye have outdone herself Jenny,” I said and looked at the balloon animals she had made.

“What else did ye expect?” She rose her eyebrows in question, then she smiled.

“Ye should work at a circus,” I said jokingly and grabbed the yellow balloon shaped as a giraffe, waving it in front of Ellen.

“Two peas in a pod, yer so funny ye could be the clown,” she answered sarcastically, and I laughed. “Nobody would laugh though, cause yer not really funny.”

“Funnier than ye.” I poked her with the balloon. “I bet ye 50 pounds that I can make Ellen laugh faster than ye can.”

“Ye can just give me that right now but yer on little brother.”

**2.14PM**

I was standing in the bathroom upstairs, washing my hands when I noticed a package in the trash. A pregnancy test. Without thinking I bent down and found the stick. _Positive._

_Christ._

_Claire is pregnant._

Could this day get any better? Ellen’s first birthday, new rings, a happy sister, and now Claire was pregnant.

 _Why hasn’t she told me?_ I wondered but that didn’t take away from how happy I was, I even wanted to dance with joy, but I didn’t. I hid the stick in the bin again. Claire probably wanted to surprise me later. _Maybe tonight? When we were alone? When we were opening the rings?_

I decided to not ruin whatever surprise Claire had planned, I wanted to hear it from her.

**3.03PM**

The first guests were right on time. First came Willie with his wife and kids, followed by the twins Rupert and Angus.

They all brought presents for Ellen. She mostly got cars- all kinds of cars. Police cars, ambulances, fire trucks and Ellen was ecstatic, overjoyed with getting to play with them. She and Willie’s kids, Lena and Tom, crawled around on the floor, making high pitched noises. I suppose they were trying to sound like sirens, but it was more like screaming.

“Are ye looking forward to going back to work Jamie?” Angus asked me while the adults were looking at the kids as they played. Claire was nowhere to be found.

_She is probably upstairs._

“Aye, I will probably feel better when I’m back at the station.” I answered, feeling distracted.

“It has been boring for a while, but ye are right on time.” Angus said enthusiastically.

“Aye? What’s going on?” I asked and took a sip of the lemonade my lovely sister had made.

“Ye ken who John Grey is?” Angus asked, and I choked on the lemonade and dramatically started coughing.

“I ken who John Grey is.” My voice sounded restraint and horse. “Why? What about him?”

“Rumor has it that he is in Scotland.”

_No. No. No._

My heart started beating frantically, I was afraid I was going to faint. John Grey was hiding in the guest room upstairs, locked from the inside. _They need to go. Tonight._

“And how do ye ken that?” I asked, as calmly as I could muster.

“I heard he was caught on a surveillance tape. Can ye believe it? The idiot got caught on tape while he was filling up gas just a few miles away.”

_Fuck._

“I see, and what’s being done about it? Was he alone?”

“Ah, I dinna ken but he is our priority now. I hope we get to work on the case.” Angus said. “Just hope the Chief will let us work together.”

I smiled at him, nodding and drank the last of my lemonade. _This is not good. Not good at all._

The doorbell rang, and I excused myself. I needed to distance myself from my friend and future partner. Trust and honesty were the most important part of the job and I already started off by lying. _Damn ye Claire,_ I swore to myself and walked down the hallway to open the door.

“Welcome Rose,” I said when I was greeted by Rose Ward and her daughter. Seconds later, a man walked up the stairs behind Rose.

_Fuck._

_Frederick Ward._

_Of course, he is here._

_Ward. Why didn’t I recognize the last name?_

“James Fraser, we meet again.” Frederick reached out his hand and I shook it, fake smiling just as I did the last time I saw him.

“Nice to see ye man.”

“Ye guys know each other?” Rose asked confused.

“I don’t really know him, but I know his _wife._ I didn’t know that it was Claire _Beauchamp’s_ house we were are going to,” Frederick said, and I saw red. But I controlled my anger and nodded my head in confirmation.

“Marvelous. Absolutely marvelous,” Rose said, unaware of what her husband was indicating. She probably didn’t know about their past and for the first time since I found Claire, I was glad she was suffering from amnesia.

“Come in. But I must warn ye, she has been in an accident and doesn’t remember anything or _anyone_ from her past,” I informed Fredrick.

Frederick looked at me, shocked. This was new information to him and then he looked sympathetic at me or sad, I couldn’t tell, but it was obvious Claire had been important to him. He felt my pain and I hated him for it.

“I brought wine,” Rose said and shoved the bottle to me.

We all walked into the living room and I looked at Claire where she was sitting on the floor with Ellen. She looked up, first at me, then at Frederick and Rose.

“Oh my god,” Claire screamed and I froze. “Frederick Ward is that you?”

_What? She remembers him? HIM?_

I watched Claire, shocked out of my mind, as she hugged Frederick and they both laughed.

 _What the hell. Him? She remembers him?_ I couldn’t wrap my mind around what was going on. I felt nauseous and dizzy with both anger and jealousy. Me, the man she was married to for years, was still not someone she really remembered except only in fragments, but the handsome black pediatrician she dated on and off for a few months she remembers?

“I heard about the accident, James said that you had lost your memory and I was so worried.” Frederick sounded like he was talking to a lover. He touched her gently on her cheek and I just stared at them, my hands clenched into fists.

Everyone was watching them, the only one who looked oblivious was his damn wife Rose, who was focused on introducing her daughter Patricia to Willies kids.

“What a lovely surprise to see you. Oh god, how was South Africa?”

_She remembers that too?_

I needed to leave the room immediately, afraid that I was going to cause a scene and kill the man with my bare hands. I should be happy that Claire remember something, or in a manner of speaking, _someone_ at all and that this was progress. But I was devastated, absolutely heartbroken, that she remembers a man she had a past with, a man that wasn’t me.

It’s stupid but I felt worthless, like I wasn’t worth remembering. Like I was nothing and like the pathetic man I was right now, I walked into the kitchen to hide.

Nobody was in there, thank god, and I sat down at our kitchen table.

_It’s Ellen’s day and you are a feeling sorry for yourself. Get a grip._

I stayed in there for ten minutes and then plastered on a fake, warm smile. Everything was like it was when I left, almost. Nobody no longer paid attention to Frederick and Claire, who were still talking intensely. Jenny stood in an heated argument with Angus, as always and I saw that Rose had opened the wine she had brought. _Who drinks at a three pm at a children’s party._

I didn’t want to hear what Fredrick and Claire were reminiscing over and I couldn’t bear the thought of listening to Claire talking about her life with Fredrick. No. Never.

I walked across the room and sat down next to Ellen on the floor. She had forgotten all about the cars and was playing with the colorful gift wrapping.

“Tis more fun with paper?” I asked Ellen and she looked puzzled. I didn’t have the energy to explain myself, it was obvious that she didn’t understand me. So, I took a piece for myself and rolled it into a ball.

“Frederick,” Rose shouted, way louder than necessary. “Ye want some wine?”

_Oh god. Is she a drunk?_

Fredrick looked at Claire, said something and she nodded.

“Bring two glasses.” Frederick said cheerfully, and Rose quickly obligated.

_Two glasses? Claire is pregnant! She can’t drink!_

I waited and watched them as Rose poured the wine in a glass and Claire took it, sniffed it first and then drank it.

“Claire.” I couldn’t control myself. She turned to face me, and I strode over to them.

“What is it?” Claire asked with a smile on her face.

“Ye canna drink. Are ye mad?”

“Jamie..”

“No,” I interrupted her, furious. I was now making a scene. The room became silent. “I dinna accept this, ye canna drink when yer pregnant.”

“Yer are pregnant?” Rose jumped into the conversation, but I continue staring at Claire, who wasn’t smiling anymore.

“No,” she answered, and my heart stopped. “I’m not.”

“But I saw the test,” I choked out.

“I got my period one hour ago,” she answered bitterly.

“Whose damn test was it then?”

“ _Mine_!” Jenny answered behind me and I turned around. “I am pregnant.”

 

At first, nobody dared to say a word. Nevertheless myself. The awkward silence just made everything worse. I looked like an idiot and I just stared at Jenny. I tried to speak but nothing came out.

 

“I wanted to wait until Ian got here. I wanted to tell him first, but yes, I am pregnant.” Jenny crossed her arms.

 

I swallowed hard and looked back at Claire, who wasn’t happy with me right now and I couldn’t really figure out how I felt. My big sister, after all this time, was finally pregnant. It must have been her test I saw, but that also meant that Claire wasn’t pregnant. I was angry, not just with Claire for not telling me about getting her period, but I was angry with myself that I had ruined my sister’s surprised and probably ruined my daughter birthday party.

 

“Jenny.” I tried to sound sympathetic but I only heard myself sounding like a weak and ungrateful bastard, because that is what I was, and a total fool. “Congratulations, I’m so damn sorry I ruined this for ye.”

 

“It’s not me ye should apologize to. But thank ye brother,” Jenny looked softer, glowing even. “It’s a miracle.”

 

Slowly the rest of the guests walked over to Jenny to give her their congratulations and I slowly backed away from the crowd. My indiscretions, my shameful behavior was unacceptable but I was not the only one to blame. Claire should have told me. It wasn’t that strange that I reacted this badly when I saw that she was drinking. She should have told me.

 

Suddenly I felt a hand grabbed my arm, pulling me out of the living room. Claire’s nails bore into my skin. I silently followed her upstairs and into our bedroom.

 

“What the hell, Jamie?” Claire shouted when the door was closed behind her. “What was that?”

 

Claire was angry with me and I got furious.

 

“If ye had told me about yer period this wouldn’t have happened,” I shouted back.

 

“I told you that I didn’t want to ruin this beautiful day with bad news and that’s why I didn’t want to take a test today of all days.”

 

“So ye didn’t think I would have a say in the matter when ye started drinking in the middle of the day? Ye didn’t think I would wonder? Ye should have told me, I deserved to know.”

 

“I was planning on telling you after the party. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but I was so disappointed and when Frederick offered me a glass of wine, I didn’t think of the consequences. I am devastated that I got my period and alcohol sounded like a perfect way to take away some of the pain.”

 

“Fredrick. I hate that man.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Are ye seriously asking this?”

 

“Yes? He was a good friend.”

 

“Ye were far more than _just_ friends. If ye remember him, then ye ken he was more than a friend Claire.”

 

“Yes, I remember him, all of it, isn’t that a good thing? Why are you so angry?”

 

“Because ye canna remember me, yer husband. The man ye claim ye love the most, but no. Ye remember the man before me, Fredrick, the man ye said never meant anything to ye. And now yer wondering why I am angry. I am bottomless angry.”

 

“What does that even mean? Bottomless angry? That’s not a word.”

 

“I dinna ken, but that proves how damn angry I am that I am making up expressions. What do ye remember about him?”

 

“I remember I dated him.”

 

“Must be nice, to remember your life when I wasn’t in it. Maybe I am the problem, that’s why ye canna remember me, ye didn’t love me _enough_.”

 

_Shit._

 

“Do you believe that?” Claire said lowly. She didn’t sound angry or hurt, but empty.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“What’s the point in all of this if you don’t believe how I feel about you.” Claire stopped looking at me. “How insecure can you be? I chose to be with you even when I didn’t remember you, because our love was bigger than any memory. I felt it, the second I met you in the street in New York. My body was screaming, trying to convince me that you were telling the truth and I believed you. Even if it all sounded mad, I felt the love, and I knew I loved you deeply. Today, I only remember fractions of you and our life together, but I have tried to accept that because in the end, we are here _together_ with our daughter.”

 

“Claire.” I heard what she was saying and I regretted it all immediately, the shame slowly turning into an painful ache. I was an idiot. I wanted to take it all back.

 

“No, Jamie,” she interrupted me. “We both have been through so much, but I have been through more. I should have told you about my period, but you crossed the line down there. How can you be so inconsiderate that you prioritize your jealousy before my recovery? I remember something, that should be what’s important, not who I remember. I don’t love Frederick and I never have. But with these new memories, I remember more from my old life and not everything is about you. I remember myself. I remember how I felt at the time I meet Frederick. I remember other important things about my past.”

 

“I didn’t know that you remembered anything else. I’m a fool, I’m sorry! I was so jealous that ye remember him, please forgive me.”

 

“You didn’t even ask? You didn’t even try to hear the conversation I had with Frederick. If you had, you would have heard this. You would have heard the joy in my voice when I spoke just minutes ago about a memory from when I was twenty. I had a life before you and that’s not a bad thing, that doesn’t mean I love you less or not enough. This has **_nothing_ ** to do with you. I was heartbroken about losing a child I never even had, but with this, you broke me more. I tried to keep this day positive, even if I just wanted to leave and hide. I swallowed my tears and tried to stay happy for the sake of our daughter.”

 

I felt hollow. She was right, I had turned this into being about myself and not about her. I was grieving the same child she never had, but as a man, I couldn’t even imagine how it must feel to think you are pregnant and then be disappointed when you weren’t. And as for Frederick, he was important to her but not in the way I had thought.

 

“I don’t know what to say, Claire, except that I am sorry. This is unforgivable.”

 

“You have a sister, you have so many friends, and you remember your parents. You remember what your mother used to do when she was alive. I have Mary, that’s one friend. I have _one_ friend I remember and that’s not even a old friend. I have my daughter but other then that, I have nothing.”

 

“Ye have me.” I tried.

 

“Yes. I have you. A man who questions my love for him the second it gets hard. I love you but right now, I don’t even want to look at you anymore. I don’t want you hear your apologies. And if it’s okay with you, I want to go back downstairs, pretend to be happy, drink that fucking glass of wine and celebrate my daughter's birthday. Can I do that?”

 

“Aye.” I said lowly. “Ye can do that.

 

Claire silently walked out our bedroom and slammed the door behind her. I looked over at the nightstand where our new wedding rings laid securely in their boxes. It felt like the room started spinning, then like I was falling, into the dark pit I had dug for myself. The pit of shame.

_What have I done?_


	5. Frog and Whips

**Friday**

 

Claire left Jamie alone in their bedroom and walked back to the party. She wasn’t even angry anymore, she felt empty of emotions. When she got her period an hour ago, she had wanted to cancel the party and scream until she couldn’t scream anymore, cry until there was no more tears left, not only because she wasn’t pregnant but because she felt like she had failed Jamie,  _ again _ . 

 

Sure, Claire should have told him right away, but she couldn’t bear the thought of disappointing him. When Frederick offered her the glass of wine, she didn’t even hesitate, she didn’t think, it sounded like a good idea, then, to make her forget her inadequacies and it seemed an even better now.

 

Frederick Ward, she remembered everything about that man the second she saw him. How he always tied his left shoe before the right one just before he went into surgery. How his apartment smelled like soap and how she adored his way of talking with his patients. The children -  _ Laura _ .

 

It was an intense second where memory after memory flashed before her eyes. Not only did she remember Frederick, she remembered everything else revolving the time period when they dated.  Most of all,  she remembered what state she was in at the time.  _ Broken _ .  _ Alone.  _

 

It was so strange, remembering this much  in a short amount of time . Claire even remembered bits of Geneva for the first time - the woman she had believed was her friend who in fact was a deceiving murder. It all came back as if it was yesterday and she  even  remembered Mary Hawkins face. 

 

Claire reacted in a positive way at first was because she had always found some kind of comfort in Frederick. 

 

There were probably gabs, black holes she didn’t remember but that didn’t matter - because she remember  _ something _ and that was the important part. But Jamie,  _ he _ didn’t care to be happy about that, if he only knew the full story about Frederick, how they never connected in the same way like she did with him, only him. 

 

_ How dare he question how I feel about him. _

 

Don’t he know? How it doesn’t matter what Claire remembers about him? She knows Jamie’s heart, how it sounds when it beats, that it beats only for her, just as hers beats for him. 

 

Search the word  _ love _ on the internet and you would find millions of different poems, expressions or other beautiful ways how people see it. But for Claire, it was simply Jamie. His name, his heart,  _ him _ \- that was love  for her in the purest form.

 

If Claire closed her eyes, she could, from memory, describe everything about Jamie - from the light shade of red on the tip of his hair down to that little freckle on his ankle. It didn’t matter if she was suffering from amnesia and she didn’t remember their life together - she knew him, inside and out.

 

She always knew and it could never be anyone else. But when Jamie started questioning that powerful feeling, their love, question whether or not she loved him _enough_ \- hearing it, maybe she was over exaggerating, but the magic spell somehow broke, the invisible pink wail revealed the black spots of imperfection. The pureness turned into something ugly  and _He_ ruined it.

 

Claire walked back into the living room. She searched the room and found Ellen with Jenny, standing over by the table filled with cookies.

 

Without saying a word, Claire drew her sister in-law into hug and she hugged her so hard.

 

“I’m so happy for you, Jenny.” Claire whispered. 

 

“Thank ye, Claire.” Jenny whispered as well and hugged her back even harder. “ I couldn’t believe it. I have taken like ten tests this morning.”

 

“I told you,” Claire said. “I told you. It took its time but I told you were going to be a mother.”

 

“Aye.” Jenny sniffled, she was crying. “I never thought I would be and now I can’t even process it.”

 

Finally, Claire’s body relaxed into her sister in-law and she cried too, for the sake of Jenny and Ian’s happy blessing but also for the loss of hers.

 

“I’m sorry for yer sake.” Jenny whispered after a while. “Are ye guys okay?”

 

Claire let go of Jenny and quickly wiped away her tears. 

 

“I’m disappointed but I’ll be alright.” Claire smiled heartwarming. “Let’s not ruin your moment.”

 

“And my brother?”

 

“I understand why he got upset. He thought I was pregnant but then, I wasn’t,” Claire took a deep breathe. “Either way, he behaved like an idiot.”

 

“He is  a hothead, it’s in our blood to be so  but don’t stay angry with him for too long. If he thought ye were pregnant, it was a natural reaction, Aye?”

 

“It’s not just that. He crossed the line. He...”

 

“Frederick Ward.” Jenny interrupted her. “That’s the reason. I saw the look on my brother’s face when ye threw yerself at him. He dinna like it at all. Maybe that’s why he exploded?”

 

“If he only understood.” Claire sighed. “Seeing Frederick...it gave me something, a sense of familiarity that I haven’t felt in a long time.”

 

“I know you, Claire. You are as hot headed and irrational as my brother. If it was the other way around, if it had been, let’s say Laoghaire.”

 

“It’s not the same thing. Frederick is happily married and he has no interest in me anymore. This is strictly a long lost friendship being re-found. I remember him, isn’t that a difference? Laoghaire, she is into Jamie, but they have no real past. Frederick was a comfort when everything felt like crap. I told you about Geneva at the restaurant after our support meeting, how horrible I was feeling at that time. You know that. And seeing Frederick brought out so much, I remember...”

 

“Clearly not the only thing yer remembering.” Jenny remarked and Claire looked at her puzzled.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I haven’t specifically told ye that we were at my uncle's restaurant after the support meeting. I only said that ye told me about Geneva, not where.”

 

“You didn’t? See...see what I mean. I remember all kinds of things.”

 

“Does this mean that ye remember me? Do you remember us at the restaurant?”

 

Claire took a second and just looked at her sister in-law, trying to recreate the memory she had had in her head. It was hard to figure out if she remembered the Jenny she had gotten to know before the accident or the Jenny she knew now. Jenny’s big, bright blue eyes, the same as her brothers, looked back at her. 

 

_ Focus.  _

 

Claire closed her eyes. She had been in Dougal’s restaurant twice since they moved back to Scotland. She knew the interior, the animals on the walls, but now, she was confused - what was new and what was old? She opened her eyes again and looked at Jenny with despair.

 

“No. I don’t know, I’m sorry.”

 

“Claire, it’s okay. Give it time. Ye unconsciously remembered that I told you about Geneva at the restaurant. Maybe you will remember it again. Remember me again.”

 

“My mind is playing tricks.”

 

“What do you remember about this Frederick.”

 

“It’s a lot of things, but it’s maybe better if we talk about it after the party?”

 

“Aye, yer right.” Jenny smiled reassuring and Claire got down on her knees. Ellen was thankfully unaware of the mess happening around her. Her main focus was the puzzle she had got from the Ward family, she was meticulous trying to put two pieces together that wasn’t fitting. 

 

“Here, love.” Claire handed her daughter another piece that might fit.

 

_ But what causes these episodes and how do I suddenly remember who I am? What triggers it?  _

 

_ How can someone's past experiences be totally wiped out? _ Claire’s brain was damaged, she knew that. The MRI scans showed that the hippocampus had been injured and because of Frank, because of his cowardness, she had gone, for too long, untended with medical care. Maybe, just maybe, if Frank would have taken her to the hospital immediately, things would have been different. She would have been different.

 

The hippocampus was the most important part of the brain, for learning and memorizing, but it’s not the place where we store our memories. It is like Joe said, _ “The hippocampus - It’s the bridge -  _ _ the one  _ _ connecting the important parts that makes it possible to remember. Your bridge has cracks, making it impossible to cross over...” _

 

Claire had, over and over again, asked what they could do - or manner of speaking what she could do to regain her memory. But each time, Joe looked at her sympathetic ally and shook his head,  saying that it was impossible to know. Her psychiatrist, her old coworker, Rachel Hunter, on the other hand, said that she believed that it was connected with her emotions - like when Jamie died in her arms in the basement, she remembered meeting him, when Jamie died  _ again  _ at the hospital and she temporarily remembered her medical training. 

 

Adrenaline. Sorrow. Panic -  Those things triggered her.

 

Like now, when she got her period, she grieved the child she never had.  _ Heartbroken _ . Maybe that’s why she suddenly remembered Frederick?

 

But this morning when he proposed to her again, it wasn’t sorrow nor panic, it was love. Why couldn’t love cure the rest? Why couldn’t she remember Jamie? Or Jenny? Her parents? 

 

Everything was overwhelming at the moment and Claire took a step back and a deep breath. Today was a celebration, for her daughter and for her new memories and she decided to take advantage of it.

 

“Jenny, I really want to talk to Frederick, is that okay?”

 

“Of course, go. I’ll just be here on the floor with Ellen, trying to get this puzzle together.”

 

Claire got up from the floor and walked across the room to Frederick and his wife Rose. As soon as Frederick saw her, he shined with joy and Claire felt calmer. There wasn’t a romantic relationship between them - only friendship - and it was the comfort she needed in this tragedy. A friend. Support.

 

“You alright, love?” Frederick asked. Even his British accent felt comforting.

 

“Yes. Thank you. I’m sorry for how Jamie acted.”

 

“Don’t apologize for him. It must be hard for both of you, especially you.” Frederick patted her shoulder. “May I ask? How severe is this head injury? The amnesia?”

 

_ Always a doctor first. _

 

“It’s bad.” Claire answered and swallowed hard. “I was in a boat accident, apparently I hit my head before I fell into the water. I was in and out unconscious the first few days and when I finally woke up, I remembered nothing.”

 

“But what did the doctors say? What did the PET scans say?” 

 

“I never saw a doctor.” Claire said low, she needed to take a deep breath to not cry. She couldn’t speak of Frank without feeling upset.

 

“What?” Frederick said furiously, “Why the hell didn’t James take you to a hospital?”

 

“Because I wasn’t with him.”

 

“I don’t understand?” 

 

“Do you remember a man called Frank Randall?” Claire almost choked saying his name. The man who ruined her life. 

 

“No,” Frederick looked both confused and angry. “Who is that?”

 

“Frank worked at Edinburgh Hospital as a therapist, maybe it was after you moved to South Africa he started working there. He was with me at the boat, I don’t really remember how or what really happened but he saved me from drowning. But when we reached land, he realized that I didn’t know who I was, where I was - nothing. He admitted to Jamie that he took advantage of the situation.”

 

Rose and Frederick looked at her with horror.

 

“He tricked me into believing I was someone else. Katie Randall. I believed that for one year until I accidentally ran into Jamie in New York almost nine months ago.” Saying it aloud, it  still sounded surreal.

 

“So you believed that you were this Katie?” Rose asked horrified. Frederick looked like he was going to explode with rage.

 

“I did, some times I still do.” Claire admitted. “I don’t remember much. But today, when I saw you Frederick, I remembered you.”

 

“This is a miracle.” Rose said and Claire wondered if she knew that they had been in a “ _ relationship _ ” before.

 

“And who is treating you now?” Frederick  still talked like he was a doctor, not a friend. 

 

“Dr. Joe Abernathy and Dr. Rachel Hunter, I go once a week to the hospital. I takes tests, do therapy seasons - but nobody can really say if and when I will remember again. I have gone untreated for too long, my brain is damaged. The hippocampus is damaged.” Claire felt stupid, she couldn’t really speak in medical terms, she couldn’t talk like she was a doctor and she felt irritated with herself. 

 

“And how are you feeling now?  Any  confusion? Depression? Dizziness or balance problems?”

 

“It comes in waves. But I’m mostly sensitive to light and noise. I don’t know if I’m depressed but I’m seeing my therapist frequently.”

 

“Sleep disturbance? Trouble concentrating?” Frederick was going full on doctor mode. 

 

“Yes.” 

 

“I want to see your X-rays. Any aneurysms? Have you tried hypnotherapy?”

 

“Stop. Frederick, just stop.”  pleaded Claire. The inquiry itself was starting to give her headaches. She wanted comfort from but Frederick was getting more irritating by the minute.

 

“No. I want to know that Dr. Abernathy is following the protocol. This is serious Claire.”

 

“Don’t you think I know that?” Claire snapped. 

 

“Increased aggressiveness.” Frederick continued counting out her symptoms to himself. She knew them all already.

 

“You are not my doctor.”

 

“I’m not, but apparently  _ you _ are not one either anymore. This is a tragic loss, not only for us who cares about you, but the world, too. You were brilliant. If there is a chance I can help you, I will.”

 

Claire had all the behavioral and emotional symptoms of brain damage. But that didn’t help anyone, especially that someone once again pointed them out to her. She could even hear Joe’s voice saying them out loud in her head.

 

_ Irritability and impatience _ . 

 

_ Denial of disability.  _

 

_ Flattened or heightened emotions or reactions. _

 

“I haven’t tried hypnosis.” Claire finally said. She didn’t believe in it. She was still, somewhere inside, a doctor and she believed in science, not magic shows. Maybe that’s why she never really believed in god either, maybe she was an atheist after all.

 

“I want you to try it.” Frederick said, now sounding more affectionate. “Please.”

 

“I’ll think about it.” Claire was hesitant but Frederick was world class doctor after all, but she wanted to talk about it with Jamie first.

 

Frederick nodded, his eyes showed sorrow or maybe sympathy, and Claire felt weak. It was  a  reminder of how she felt when she was dating him, weak and vulnerable. It sting and made her feel bitter. But he was a friend, nevertheless, and she  _ needed _ his friendship. But she didn’t like how he made her feel like a child, it was the opposite to how Jamie made her feel, with  Jamie she felt extraordinary, powerful and strong.

 

Frederick drew her closer to him, his wife didn’t seem to care,  so why would she? He wrapped her arms around her and hugged her. It was something familiar again and she leaned her head against his chest. He still smelled like soap.

  
  
  


**4:42PM**

 

Ellen’s birthday party ended sooner then Claire had thought, but it was all for the best. It hadn’t been all bad, even if the birthday girl’s father didn’t attend. Thankfully, Laoghaire never showed and when Ian finally had arrived, all the guest had silently watched as Jenny held a beautiful speech and revealed her pregnancy. It was happy distraction, but Claire found herself feeling guilty and wondering where Jamie was.

 

They both had handle this wrong. Both overreacting and saying things they maybe didn’t mean. 

 

“Let’s get daddy.” Claire said to her daughter and carried her  on her hip  as she walked upstairs to talk to Jamie.

 

Claire knocked on their bedroom door. When Jamie didn’t answer, she knocked again. Silence. She sighed loudly and opened the door anyway.

 

“Jamie?” 

 

The room was empty. No Jamie, just his phone laying on the bed. 

 

_ Where is he? _

 

Claire walked down to the kitchen where Ian, Jenny, Tina and John sat. Ian hadn’t reacted as suspicious as Jenny had been when she introduced John as her cousin. Maybe the joy of becoming a father was what helped. 

 

“Jamie is  _ gone _ .”

 

“What?” Ian exclaimed in tune with his pregnant wife. 

 

“Jamie is gone and he left his phone upstairs.”

 

“We need to find him.” Jenny got up from her chair and Claire moved to block her way. 

 

“Yes, but not you. Please stay here and watch Ellen.”

 

“Don’t ye treat me special because I’m pregnant.” Jenny pointed her finger at Claire then at Ian. “Neither of ye or I’ll smack yer bahoochie.”

 

“I’m not.” Claire lied and needed to restrain herself not to smile. “Ellen doesn’t really know Tina nor John, I need her to feel comfortable and I don’t want to worry about her when I’m out looking for Jamie.”

 

“Ian, can watch her.” Jenny wasn’t giving up. Stubbornness was a Fraser trait. “I’m going.”

 

“Jenny, if Jamie is upset, I ken, he dinna want his big sister giving him the speech. Just stay here and I’ll drive Claire.” Ian took Jenny’s hand in his and kissed  it until she relaxed into him. 

  
  


**5:02PM**

 

“Where do you think he can be?” Claire glanced over to Ian as he was driving her car. They just drove around, not sure where to look first.

 

“I dinna ken. Ye should know better then me.”

 

“He has never done this before, how can I know where he would go?” 

 

“What happened, Claire?” Ian asked carefully, he probably noticed her distress and irritation.

 

“We had an argument. He said things and I said things. We didn’t solve it.” 

 

_ Damn you, Jamie. _

 

Claire was angry but most of all, she was worried.

 

“Tis not like him, to disappear and not say where he was going. Ye guys must have said something really bad to each for him do this.”

 

“Even if I did, this is not okay. You don’t get to vanish and leave without your phone. It’s not right.”

 

“Where do ye propose we go first?”

 

“Maybe Dougal’s restaurant?” Claire suggested and Ian nodded.

 

Claire looked out of the window, staring into the darkness. How did they go from the happy couple buying new rings on their daughters first birthday to this?

 

_ Where are you, Jamie?  _

 

Claire thought of what she would say when she did find Jamie, would she yell? Or would she cry of relief? 

 

Finally, they parked outside the restaurant and Claire jumped out of the car, almost running to the door. When she grabbed the handle, it was looked and she remembered that Dougal had closed the restaurant for today for Ellen’s birthday.

 

“Fuck!” Claire slammed her fist against the door. “It’s close.”

 

“Claire.” Ian shouted from the car, he had rolled down the window. “Come on, let’s go somewhere else.”

  
  


**9:25PM**

 

Claire and Ian had been out searching for Jamie for hours and now they had given up. They couldn’t find him. She had called everyone she could think of - Angus, Rupert, Willie, Dougal - but nobody knew where he was. 

 

Claire was tired, hungry and scared. She had thought of all the worst possibilities. They searched every hospital in the area, asking if a six feet tall redhead had come in - nothing.

 

They had driven to different pubs, restaurants and even gone to Jamie’s job to look for him. Nothing. Nobody had heard anything. He was gone.

 

“How did it go?” Jenny walked down the stairs. 

 

“I can’t find him.” Claire fell down to the floor, crying out loud. “What if he has been in a accident?”

 

Ian and Jenny sat down next to her, patting her back,  trying to comfort her. 

 

_ What if he’s dead?  _

 

It was soul crushing - the thought of Jamie possibility laying injured out there and Claire was devastated.

 

“Ian, can’t ye go out again? See if he has gone to Lallybroch?”

 

“But Jenny, that’s four hours away. He left without his phone and valet. I ken yer brother is mad, but he would never  _ walk _ there.”

 

“No, Ian is right.” Claire wiped her nose. “He is not there. It’s late, we can continue tomorrow.”

 

“When he comes home, I’ll kill him.” Jenny said, she sounded more worried than angry. 

 

“Is Ellen asleep?”

 

“Aye and I almost fell asleep when I read to her.”

 

“I think I need to sleep too. Where is Tina and John?”

 

“They are up in their room, again. They are a strange couple. Aye?.”

 

“Mhmm.” Claire didn’t really care where they were, but she wanted to take a shower before she went to bed. She crawled up from the floor, tears still running down her face. “Good night.”

 

As Claire walked up the stairs, she prayed to god, even if she didn’t believe in him or her, she prayed for her husband, that he was safe and would return to her. 

 

_ I beg you.  _

 

_ - _

 

**Saturday**

 

My head hurt like nothing I had experienced before. I am Scot, I can handle my liquor but this was new. I turned over to face Claire, but I froze when I saw the blond hair beside me where I had expected my wife’s beautiful brown curls to be. 

 

_ No! Fuck. Fuck. Where am I? _

 

I looked around, this was not my room, this was not my bed and that was definitely not my wife. Quickly, I put my hands under to cover and the nightmare only became worse when I felt I was almost naked, only wearing my boxers.

 

_ Fuck. What happened yesterday? _

 

I remember that I walked down the stairs to apologize to Claire,  _ again _ , but was greeted with her hugging Frederick affectionately and I just lost it. 

 

After that, I took my jacket and left the house. I didn’t have a plan whatsoever, I just knew I needed to leave. 

 

What happened then? Right! I ran into Laoghaire.

 

_ Fuck. _

 

Okay, I ran into Laoghaire, she saw what state I was in and offered me a ride. She used her friendship card saying that she could see that I was hurting and needed to have a drink with her.  _ Stupid. _

 

We drove to a pub nearby her apartment called: Frog and Whips.  _ Stupid name. Stupid pub.  _ I scolded myself and tried to remember what happened after that. I didn’t dare to move, afraid to wake whomever was lying next to me.

 

**_Yesterday_ ** _. _

 

_ Laoghaire was over at the bar, ordering drinks for us and I couldn’t stop feeling so angry. I should be grateful that Claire was remembering, but I stopped being understanding when I found myself staring at them in the living room - she was looking all cozy, snuggling into his chest while Frederick was whispering something into her ear. I had already caused a scene earlier and I couldn’t do that again, so when I ran into Laoghaire just outside my front door, escape and alcohol sounded much better than staying watching my wife cuddling with another man. _

 

_ Laoghaire came back to the table where I was sitting, placing three drinks on the table and I wonder if two of them was meant for me. _

 

_ “I texted my friend. She wanted to join us.” Laoghaire said cheerfully and sat down in the chair in front of me.  _

 

_ “The more, the merrier.” I answered uninterested. I really didn’t care. I didn’t even care if Laoghaire were to leave. I only wanted to drown my pity sorrows with this drink, hoping the promise of oblivion would made me forget how my wife probably still was being preoccupied with her ex-pediatrician - and very - handsome man who looked nothing like me. _

 

_ “So, are ye going to tell me why yer so...” Laoghaire said. “Not like yerself.” _

 

_ “What would ye know.” I answered disheartening.  _

 

_ “I ken, ye have never been like this before. Jamie, we have know each other a long time. I remember how ye were before ye met Claire.” _

 

_ “And how was I before Claire?”  I rose my eyebrows in question, feeling more bitter. _

 

_ “Happy.” _

 

_ “I promise ye, I am a happier man with Claire.” I took a big sip of my drink, the whiskey tasted cheap but I enjoyed the burning feeling as I swallowed the golden liquid.  _

 

_ “Ye dinna seem happy now.” _

 

_ “Right now.” I took another sip before I drowned the rest. “I’m not.” _

 

_ “Tell me then.” _

 

_ “Nothing to tell, my wife canna remember me. Let’s just not  _ _ talk about it, aye? _ _.” _

 

_ “It must have been hard for ye. Having to find her again after all that time, to then be stuck with someone who can’t remember ye. Just know, if ye ever need to talk. I’m here for ye Jamie.” _

 

_ “Appreciate it.” _

 

_ A few hours later and even more glasses of whiskey, I was still sitting at the bar with Laoghaire and her friend, Malva Christie. It was the first time I met her and she was nice, not that I bothered with getting know her. She looked like Laoghaire - blond and tiny, without the plastic boobs. I was paying more attention to my glass than to the two lasses who were, by now, pissed, but I was probably far more gone myself. _

 

_ “Jamie, is it okay if I call ye that?” Malva asked and I looked at her and nodded. “Laoghaire said yer a police officer.” _

 

_ “Detective.” I answered short. _

 

_ “I just love a man in a uniform. Do ye wear one?” Malva was flirting with me and I found it complimenting and, honestly, an innocent distraction from my troubles. _

 

_ “Daddy issues.” Laoghaire said to Malva and I didn’t understand what they meant.  _

 

_ “No, I get to wear more civilized clothes.” I answered slurring.  _

 

_ Christ, maybe it is time to go home? I thought. Then, the irritating image of Frederick popped back into my head. No. I don’t want to go home yet. _

 

_ “Another round?” I got up from the table and I needed to steady myself, I was far more gone than I had thought.  _

 

_ “Maybe we should continue this party at my place?” Laoghaire offered, smiling. “It’s cheaper and I have more comfortable chairs.” _

 

_ “I have to thank ye ladies, but I think it’s time for me to go home.” I hoped I managed to say it without sounding like a pathetic drunk. I looked at them and the two blond women suddenly, became four. I squeezed one eye shut to focus. _

 

_ “Alright, Detective.” Malva wrapped her arm around me when I stumble backwards. “Laoghaire’s apartment is close by. Come on, one more drink.” _

 

_ I don’t remember how but the three of us somehow succeeded to get unharmed to Laoghaire’s apartment. My head was spinning but I was standing upright, that’s at least good. I didn’t know what time it was, neither was I clear enough to even care. I had hit rock bottom. _

 

_ “Come.” Malva said to me and patted on the seat in between her and Laoghaire, they were sitting on the couch. Laoghaire was drinking straight out of the whiskey bottle. A bit clumsy, I sat down in the middle and I was handed the bottle. _

 

_ “It taste funny.” I said and tried to read the label.  _

 

_ “It’s a surprise mix.” I heard someone say, not sure who but both of them laughed. I shrugged my shoulders and took another big sip. _

 

_ After that things started to get blurry. Everything was strange and I looked at the wallpaper, the flowers on them started dancing before my eyes. They looked beautiful and I follow them as they jumped out of the wall.  _

 

_ The flowers suddenly had legs, it looked like two naked women but instead of human heads they were replaced with flowers. I steady myself and tried to move but I was stuck on the couch, watching the naked flowers dance. It was mesmerizing. _

 

_ “What kind of flowers are ye?” I asked the dancing flowers amused. _

 

_ “Whatever ye want?” One of the flowers answered.  _

 

_ “I like roses.” I answered stupidly and laughed. _

 

_ “Does the detective wish for some music?” The second flower asked. Before I could answer, loud and fast beating music exploded into the room. I felt how my heart was beating in tune with the music.  _

 

_ I continued staring at the dancing flowers, the faster they moved, the warmer I felt. I was commuting from feeling cool to sweating. Suddenly It got hard to breathe, the warmer I felt, the more claustrophobic I got. I tried unbuttoned my white shirt but my hands couldn’t grasp the little buttons so i panicked and ripped my shirt apart, blue buttons flew across the room, leaving my chest bare and exposed. I took a deep breathe, like I hadn’t been breathing for minutes. _

 

_ “Are ye hot, detective?” One of flowers asked and danced closer to me. It felt surreal. _

 

_ “Aye.” I answered breathlessly, my pulse rising, heatwave after heatwave. My heart still pounding in tune with music and I was afraid I was going to have a heart attack. I didn’t like this anymore. I felt nauseous and uncomfortable in my own skin.  _

 

_ “I can help ye cool down.” The flower said and sat down in my lap. It’s hand slowly doing circles across my chest. I know I was hallucinating, it wasn’t real but it felt god damn real.  _

 

_ “Maybe if ye take off yer pants?” The flower asked and I laughed out loud. This was ridiculous. _

 

_ Laoghaire’s wallpapers are trying to seduce me, I thought and chuckled. I didn’t even try to stop the flower as it unbuckled my pants when I knew in fact it wasn’t real. None of it. _

 

_ - _

 

I desperately tried to remember more, now in a clearer mind, I understood that the flowers I had hallucination was in fact Laoghaire and Malva. I wanted to scream but I feared to wake the blond woman lying next to me. Was it Laoghaire or Malva?

 

_ What happened after that? What did they do? What did I do?  _

 

Once again, I reached down and put my hand down in my boxers, my cock felt normal but still I wasn’t sure. I felt dirty, I felt sticky and I didn’t want to know what it was,  _ maybe sweat? _

 

_ Have I slept with with of one them? Both?  _ The thought scared me, the fear of me betraying Claire was making me sick, I felt disgusted. What kind of man ditches his family to have some kind of drug fest. I’m a policeman, drugs are illegal and here I was, in another woman’s bed, still feeling dizzy from whatever kind of drug they had given me, or did I take it voluntarily?  _ Fuck I don’t know. _

 

I looked out of the window, it was dark outside.  _ What time is it? Shit!  _ All I could think of was that I needed to leave this dreadful apartment and go home to my wife, to my family.

 

Carefully I sat upright and to my horror I discovered another body, naked, lying at the edge of the bed. _Fuck._ _This isn’t happening._

 

I desperately tried to remember again but it was all black, I had no memory whatsoever after I lost my pants. How much I wanted to convince myself that I couldn’t have done it, that I never could cheat on my wife. The evidence was laying in front me, two naked women and me in the same bed. My body didn’t feel sore, nor my cock but I still couldn’t say for sure. I don’t know. My head was spinning.

 

I sneaked out of Laoghaire’s bedroom and walked into the living room, quickly finding my clothes. But after I had put on my pants, I noticed my ripped shirt. I shook my head, in disbelief and embarrassment.  _ Who am I? Can I have gone this far?  _

 

I was on the verge of breaking, but I took my jacket and left the apartment. The easiest way would have been to wake them up, ask what the hell was going on. But I am a coward, afraid that the answer, the truth, would be too much. 

  
  


**4:31AM**

 

I thankfully had enough money to pay the taxi. I had cried the whole ride home and when I stood outside the house, I couldn’t move. 

 

I was sober now but I still couldn’t fill out the blanks. I looked around, still standing on my driveway and it was like everything  was  enhanced, even if it was dark outside. I could clearly see the dew grass on the ground, the green that had slowly turned brownish, the leaves on the trees had the most amazing shade of red and yellow colors and the cold air felt like small needles as it blew in my face. I had blackout earlier but now, I was wide awake. 

 

I am a cogwheel, or that’s the simplest way I can describe how I felt sometimes. I am metallic piece, carved out and made to fit together perfectly with Claire. Both of us are cogwheels, spinning around attached to each other, faster and faster in harmony. I would  _ never _ fit with anyone else and  _ nobody _ would be able to make me spin. Silly comparison but it was like that. I think I realized almost immediately when I met Claire, how we fitted - belonged - but what happens when I’m alone, without her? How do I make the wheel spin? I can’t. I would stand still until I start to rust, fall apart and dissolve into nothing. I am  _ nothing _ without her. Just a useless cogwheel.

 

_ Just one step.  _

 

_ One move.  _

 

_ Then it’s over.  _

 

_ Will she forgive me?  _

 

_ No. _

 

When I finally had the guts to walk inside, it was quiet in the house, the only sound coming from me when I, as silently as I could, tried to walk upstairs without waking anyone. The hallway leading down to my bedroom felt longer than usual, the walk of shame. Never in my life had I hated myself more. If I only could remember, if I only could confirm that my worst nightmare wasn’t true.

 

I stood in the hallway for a long time. Afraid of walking into the room where the love of my life was still sleeping, still unaware and still loving me. 

 

The man I had been when I married Claire would never have gotten himself into this situation. The worst part was that I had been angry because of Claire and Frederick, jealous of their relationship that probably was innocent and done something far more terrible than just talking and reminiscing about old times. I had left my daughter birthday to get drunk with someone Claire hates and to top it all of, ended up naked with her  _ and _ her friend. 

 

_ I have to tell her. _

 

_ What if she leaves me? _

 

_ Will she forgive me? _

 

_ Probably not. _

 

Too afraid and unable to face Claire, I peeked into Ellen’s bedroom. She was sleeping, in the land of dreams. She, too, unaware of me and my unforgivable behavior. Her little snores was soothing but it didn’t take away the anxiety and fear of losing her and her mother.

 

“Will ye remember this day.” I whispered and looked at my beautiful sleeping daughter. “Will ye remember that I wasn’t here today.”

 

I swallowed hard, feeling tears burning and I desperately tried to not cry. I didn’t deserve to cry. 

 

_ “ _ I’m so verra sorry about yesterday, mo chuisle. I missed ye growing in yer mama’s belly, I missed ye being born and now, I miss yer first birthday. Im verra sorry.” I couldn’t stop the tears now, but I continued talking as quietly as I could. Even if she couldn’t hear me, even understand, I needed to apologize. “I love ye and yer mama so much. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t have found ye at all. Maybe that damned Frank Randall could've given ye a better life than I possibly can.”

 

I was surprised that I said it but it was the truth. I had failed in being a father and husband. Even the bastard Frank would have treated them better today.

 

_ “ _ If yer mama leaves me now, do ye think ye'll forget me too? If she takes ye with her, are ye too young  to remember me at all?”

 

The thought of Claire leaving, taking Ellen with her made be cry even harder and I needed to put my hand over my mouth to not wake Ellen.

 

“I will always love ye. I will never stop loving ye, whatever happens. Yer daddy loves ye.”

 

I took one last look at my daughter before I walked out of Ellen’s bedroom, then closed her door carefully behind me. I wiped away my tears as I turned around and my heart almost stopped when I saw Claire standing by our bedroom door, her beautiful riots of curls surrounding her face.

 

_ “ _ Jamie?” Claire whispered, I heard how worried she sounded and the lump in my stomach become bigger. This was it. This is where I lose my wife. This is where my life ends.

 

My heart was pounding harder than ever before as I walked down the hallway and when I came closer I saw that Claire’s eyes were red and swollen, making me hate myself even more. 

 

“I’m...”  I began but  I stopped talking when Claire to my surprise threw herself into my arms. 

 

I couldn’t continue. I wrapped my arms around her - hard. I leaned my head down and breathed her in. If this was the last time, I was going to memorize everything. How her naked back felt against my hands. How her heart felt beating against mine. How her hair smelled like a lovely citrus garden. But most of all, I tried to memorize how she fitted perfectly against me. 

 

_ I never want to feel anyone's body against me but yours.  _

 

_ I never want to be anywhere but here with you.  _

 

_ I will never love anyone but you.  _

 

_ Please don’t leave me.  _

 

I said it in my head and I started crying again. This time loudly, sobbing into her like never before.

 

“Where have you been?” Claire asked worriedly in a whisper and looked up at me, her hand reaching up to wipe away my tears and I noticed that she was wearing her new ring, the silver ring with a small string of gold intertwined. It was beautiful, heartbreakingly beautiful. It looked like a golden snake protecting the silver band. It was symbolic - the old protecting the new.

 

“The baby monitor was on, Jamie. I heard you talking to Ellen.  _ Why _ would I leave you?” Claire whispered. Then she looked down on my ripped and torn shirt that revealed my bare chest. At first she looked surprised like she hadn’t noticed it before, then it transformed into confusion. I saw a second of hesitation before she leaned forward and smelled me. I probably smelled like betrayal, bittersweet - a mixture of alcohol and woman’s perfume.

 

I closed my eyes shut, my body was uncontrollably shaking. I was so afraid, knowing when I opened my eyes again. It would all be over. 

 

“What have you done?” Claire asked, her voice was shaky, stammering out the question. 

 

_ Please don’t leave me. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Expecting some reactions haha. I hoped you liked it, even if it... well didn’t end as happy. Stay tuned for more❤️


	6. Domino effect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @E_storm & @thebrochtuarachs was beta on this chapter - 2x love - Thank you.

 

**Saturday.**

  
  


“Please say something.” I said, pleading, almost whispering. I had told Claire everything I remembered  while  she  sat quietly and listened. 

 

“What do you want me to say?” Claire sat at edge of the bed, shrugging her shoulders and  looked  back at me. She hadn’t cried yet, maybe she wouldn’t either. Me on the other  hand  couldn’t stop, tears  running  down almost violently as I  leaned  against our closed bedroom door.

 

“Anything,” I begged. 

 

“There is nothing more to say, Jamie.” Claire was calm and that scared me the most. She behaved like a stranger. _Cold_. _Distant_. 

 

“Do ye believe me? That I honestly don’t remember what happened.”

 

“Does it matter? You left me, you left our daughter,  left without a word to get drunk with Laoghaire and the rest...well, it speaks  for itself. You woke up  in a bed with two naked women.”

 

“But I canna remember and I..”

 

“Don’t you dare say you don’t think you are able to cheat on me.” Claire interrupted me, raising her voice. “That’s a lie, apparently you could.”

 

“I would never  _ consciously _ do anything to hurt ye.”

 

“So you being high is your excuse?”

 

“No, it’s not an excuse, but I wasn’t myself and I didn’t take it  on purpose .”

 

“I wasn’t myself  after  my accident - when I lost my memory and Frank tricked me into believing I was his wife. Was that cheating? Is this you punishing me for sleeping with another man while I  had brain damage, you needed to be even worse and slept with  _ two _ women? Are we even now? Do I  _ have _ to forgive you because I, too, technically, have cheated on you ?! ”

 

I was stunned  from what she said. I had never seen it like that. I never thought for a second that Claire had cheated on me with Frank. That was Katie, that was abuse, and never once did I blame Claire for what Frank lied and tricked her into.

 

“Of course not, Claire. I would never.” I paused and took a deep breath. “I would never hold that against ye and I would never punish ye for it either. It wasn’t ye,  that was Katie.”

 

“Tragic that I’m feeling more like Katie right now. I wonder what  the  old Claire would have done. Would  _ she _ forgive you? Or maybe you wouldn’t have cheated on  _ her _ .”

 

“I don’t even ken if I have. Claire, I don’t remember anything.” 

 

“Makes two of us , ” she answered sarcastically. “How does it feel?”

 

“Terrible.” 

 

“Take that feeling and multiple  it by one thousand. You  forgot a few hours, try  imagining a whole lifetime.”

 

“I can’t even imagine...”

 

“Then add one unfaithful husband. It pretty much sums up how I’m feeling right now.”

 

Claire started fidgeting with her new ring. Mine was still laying in the little red box on her nightstand. I hadn’t seen it, maybe I never  would even get to wear it.

 

“I’m going to call Laoghaire in a few hours  and ask her what really happened. There is nothing that can excuse my behavior, I will never forgive myself for leaving this house today.”

 

“The worst part is, I was out looking for you for  _ hours _ , scared that you were dead. I fucking got down on my knees and prayed to God. That’s how wrecked I was and for what?  _ Nothing _ .”

 

“I wish I could take it all back.”

 

_ Silence _ .

 

“I wonder...” Claire  was still looking  down at her ring. “...if I was to never see you again. Would that prevent me from remembering anything else,  remembering you.”

 

I couldn’t speak, the indescribable and excruciating pain inside me made me feel like I was literally breaking in half. To live a life, again, without her. I would rather die again. I would rather die and wait in the life after this, in the rose garden - our garden \- and hope she  could forgive me in time and join me there. 

 

“Do ye want that?” I asked, even if I didn’t want to hear the answer.

 

“It would be easier” Claire said. “But that wouldn’t take away how much I love you. It would be easier to leave and hope  not to  remember anymore about you, us, or our life. It would be easier not to know exactly how much  _ your _ actions have destroyed. ‘Cause right now, I wish I could forget the few memories I have.”

 

_ Please. _

 

_ Don’t leave me. _

 

“I understand. I hate myself. I hate all of this. I  _ hate _ that I don’t know.”

 

“I can’t even feel any satisfaction that I was right. I told you,  _ multiple _ times that Laoghaire was interested in you and you nonchalantly waved  it away.” Claire raised her voice,  voicing her anger for the first time. “I’m so angry, I don’t know what do with myself.”

 

“Do whatever feels right  to you.” I was trying to be as understanding as I could, give her space and let her be angry but deep down I wanted to scream from the top of my lungs, beg her to believe me. I have had sex millions of times, I know how my body feels after wards and this wasn’t it. Each minute passing, I felt more confident that I hadn’t slept with Laoghaire or Malva. But I still betrayed Claire, I still betrayed our daughter and I d id n’t know how to make it right.

 

“ _ Nothing _ feels right anymore.” Claire touched her ring, then took it off. “This ring doesn’t feel right.”

 

_ No. _

 

“Please,” I choked out, my hand reaching out to stop her, but the ring was off, lying next to her on the bed. The symbolism wasn’t poetic anymore, It didn’t matter if the old protected the new, if the old was forgotten by Claire and the new was ruined by me.

 

“Until we know what really happened, I can’t wear it. I know you wouldn’t have taken any drugs  voluntarily , I give you that. But Jamie, you left this house on your own, nobody bloody forced you to leave.”

 

“I left because I was angry,” I said  lowly , embarrassed and regretful. “I have been angry for days and I just lost it. Claire, I don’t recognize myself. I don’t want to be this man. I was angry because you remembered him and not me . I tried to be reasonable and understanding but when I came downstairs and saw you hugging him , I  felt less of man and left. It feels unfair of me to say it but I’ll do it  any way.  _ Please _ don’t leave me. I am begging you, Claire, don’t leave me.”

 

“Remember when we stood in this exact room Thursday,  and  I said that  _ you _ were being unfair when you  aggravatedly questioned my decision  to let  John and Tina stay here. Remember what you said to me?”

 

“No.” 

 

“You said, if anyone was unfair,  it  was me. For forcing you to stay, because you love me.” Claire said and I vaguely remembered that conversation. “That’s exactly how I feel right now, Jamie. That this is unfair, because I love you so damn much that I don’t know if I can leave.”

 

“Then don’t do it.”

 

“I trust you, I trust you more then anyone and that is making this so hard. I want be irrational, freak out and just take out daughter and leave. But..”

 

“But?” I asked carefully.

 

“But somewhere, deep  inside , I do believe you.”

 

“Ye do?” 

 

“Yes. It’s not rocket science, if you truly feel in your body that you haven’t done...that you couldn’t have..” Claire paused and took a deep breath. “If you look me into my eyes, and promise me that you are speaking the truth, how  could I not? You have never lied before.”

 

I rushed over to the bed but stopped at a respectful distance from her. I didn’t want to seem too desperate so I didn’t fall down on my knees, even if I wanted to. I wasn’t lying, I wouldn’t lie about this. I felt it in my entire body now that I had not cheated. 

 

“I promise, with every ounce of my heart. I’m telling ye the truth, Claire. I would never be unfaithful. I swear to God.”

 

“What if the twisted sisters tell me you have?” Claire asked.

 

“Tell ye?”

 

“Yes, I’m going there myself in the morning.”

 

“Ye are?”

 

“Yes. But  for  now, I’m too tired, I can’t continue this conversation. You can sleep on the couch..”

 

“What does this mean?”

 

“I don’t know if or how we are going to get past this but I trust in our love, your heart , and I’m not going to give us up,  **_not yet_ ** , not until I know the truth..”

  
  


**8.12AM - Claire**

 

Claire had left the house and was on her way over to Laoghaire’s apartment. She was driving faster than the speed limit, her heart beating faster the closer she got. It was time for answers. 

 

_ Fear _ \- For what she was going to hear.

 

_ Determination. -  _ To find out the truth.  _ ( _ _ ***?) _

 

Claire took a deep breath and knocked on the door, hard. It didn’t take long until she heard footsteps from inside the apartment, then the door opened. 

 

“Claire.” Laoghaire  was  wearing  only a t- shirt  and looked surprised to see her and a little worried.  _ Good _ . 

 

“Good morning. Can I come in?” Claire asked calmly, and saw it only made Laoghaire more uncomfortable.

 

“Ehm. Aye, of course.”

 

Claire trailed behind Laoghaire and they turned left after the hallway, into what looked like an shared kitchen and living room. The room was messy  with clothes all over the floor and more then one whiskey bottle on the table. The wallpaper looked like  what  Jamie had described,  and  she felt nauseous when she looked at the flowers. On the couch was another woman, blond, petite and beautiful - Malva. She looked younger than Laoghaire and herself, they were both turning thirty this year, but Malva looked like twenty five?

 

“Malva, this is Claire,” Laoghaire introduced her. 

 

“Jamie’s wife.” Claire added and Malva immediately looked at Laoghaire, then back at her.

 

“Pleasure to meet ye.” Malva smiled at her, a devilish grin. “I hope he is feeling better today.”

 

Claire clenched her jaw, trying to not say anything irrational,  not wanting  to sound like an angry and jealous wife. She had her questions all planned out. She needed to stay focused. 

 

_ Breath _ .

 

“So, can you tell me what happened?” Claire sat down on chair, her leg s crossed , and placed one loose curl behind her ear. 

 

“What did Jamie say?” Laoghaire asked and sat down next to Malva on the couch. Claire tried to keep herself steady, but this was her nightmare.  T wo beautiful women, who looked nothing like her. 

 

“Everything, well there were some blanks. He doesn’t remember what happened after you got him high..”

 

“I dinna ken what to say, but I’m sorry, Claire. We never meant for it to go that far.”

 

Claire heart started beating faster, she felt  her hands begin to sweat.

 

“So, he slept with you?”

 

“Aye.” Malva responded. “Both of us.”

 

 _Wicked woman._ _Deep breath. Come on_ _,_ _Claire_ _,_ she thought. She already hated Malva, even more than she hated Laoghaire.

 

“And Jamie took the initiative?”

 

“Do ye really want to hear this?” Malva asked, amused,  and  showed no kind of regret or shame.

 

“I want to. I  _ need _ to know what happened.”

 

“ _ He _ seduced me.” Malva  said simply . “He asked me to sit  on  his lap and he whispered beautiful things in my ear,  complimenting my dancing and my  _ body _ . Said he  had  never seen  _ anything _ like me before,  that he wished he  could have me and  _ taste _ me.”

 

It was horrible listening to Malva, Claire felt ready to cave and break down. Malva sounded so confident and it was all very  detailed . 

 

“ How d id you react  to  his tattoo?” Claire tried to see if Malva was bluffing. She wanted a reaction. “I myself still find it it obscene and quite offensive, but I have learned to accept it.”

 

Malva looked at her silently, observing her face.

 

“I mean, you must have found it even more amusing while high I guess..” Claire said stern, keeping her face straight. “I never thought he would be the man to tattoo his groin, but he lost a bet  and ,  as  you would know Laoghaire,  time with  Rupert can be quite eventful.”

 

It was the truth - almost. Jamie did have a tattoo, a small one he  got  when he lost a bet to Rupert when they were eighteen, but it wasn’t in that area where Claire said it was. If she was out of luck, Laoghaire would know the right answer and call her bluff.

 

“Je suis prest.” Laoghaire said confident. Claire held her breath, Laoghaire knew what the tattoo said, but did she know  _ where _ it was? 

 

“I did laugh.” Malva said. “I was ready.”

 

_ Liars. Liars.  _ Claire thought and felt how her whole body relaxed -  relieved . They hadn’t slept with Jamie.  I f they had, they would have know he didn’t have a tattoo saying  ‘I  am ready’ above his cock. It was hidden under his long hair,  where Jamie had tattooed it on his neck.

 

“I see.” Claire answered and rose from the chair. “Thank you. I think I got everything I wanted. You will hear from our lawyers.”

 

Both women looked confused.

 

“What? Are ye suing us because yer husband cheated on you?” Malva asked irritated.

 

“Oh no, My husband hasn’t cheated on me, you just proved that by telling me you have no idea where that bloody tattoo is. Do you really think Jamie would be such a douche? Tattoo his groin? No. He hasn’t.”

 

“Why the lawyers?” Laoghaire asked low, she sounded scared. She knew she had been tricked. 

 

“I’m guessing that you gave Jamie LSD or ecstasy yesterday. Those are class A drugs, and the penalty is one year imprisonment for possessing it and I don’t know where you got it, but if you are supplying it or making it, then that’s _life_ in jail.” Claire smirked look ing at the gaping women and pointed her finger at them. “If you ever come near me or my family again, I will make sure you rot in jail. That’s what the lawyers are for.”

 

Claire turned around and started walking towards the front door. 

 

“What if the police  got  an anonymous tip, claiming James Fraser has taken drugs ? ” Malva said and Claire stopped. “He would lose his job, his reputation, go to jail.”

 

“If someone  were to anonymously send it...” Claire raised her voice. “That very same person would be accused of drug-facilitated sexual assault. Jamie is a respected police officer, do you think they would believe your word over his? No. If he  were  accused, he would gladly take a drug test and I would testify as a witness  as to  what happened here.”

 

Malva didn’t say anything else and Laoghaire was crying. Claire rose her eyebrows in question, daring them to continue with their t h reats.

 

“Good bye, ladies.” 

 

When you are married to a policeman, you automatically pick up some things. The law was in their favor and Claire knew that those pathetic women wouldn’t try  or  even dare to come close to them again.  _ Check mate. _

  
  


**11.12AM**

 

Jenny and Ian had just left - gone back home to Lallybroch. While Claire was away, visiting Laoghaire and Malva, I had told them what happened yesterday. Everything I could remember, the same pathetic story I had told Claire earlier.

 

Jenny could barely looked at me after that,  as  disappointed  as  she was. I apologized, for what it was worth, but I know my words had lost  their meaning,  and there  was n’t anything that could repair what I had done. Not only had I ruined my daughter’s birthday, not only had I wrecked my marriage, but I  even had single handedly ruined my sisters pregnancy surprise. In a time where love was supposed to be celebrated, it had been all about me and my indiscretions. The people I loved had been scared and even feared  that I  was dead,  and  it would have far been better than the truth.

 

“Call me when my brother comes back,” was the last thing Jenny said before she left the house. 

 

_ Shame. _

 

I was worried, Claire still hadn’t come back,  and hadn’t called or anything. I was still sure that I had  _ not _ cheated. But right now, I was afraid again, that Claire might have believed them, that she was out there believing I had  cheated . And if she did, it didn’t matter what I said or did, she would leave me. 

 

_ Fear. _

 

I  had always been interested in Dominoe s , the small rectangular, colorful bricks. I used to play with them as child, spending hours  upon  hours placing them  by coordinating colors and build ing long and big artistic creations. When I was done, I  would walk  over to the beginning and pushed the first brick - watching  them all fall. Hours of careful and delicate hard work, hundreds of bricks, falling into a colorful mess. But what was the point? What was the meaning  of it? Build something beautiful and then destroy it, just to build it up again - differently. 

 

_ Never the same. _

 

If I compared the life I had with Claire before her accident  to dominoes, the first brick fell when she fell into the water. Each brick representing an important and loving memory we shared.  Afterwards, t he result was a big pile of colorful bricks laying on the floor and I couldn’t bring myself to pick them up. Until I found her again. With an unsteady and shaky hand, I tried to recreate the same creation I had build before - our life - just to stumble  in the middle, watching it fall before it was done. Repeatedly I failed and watch ed it fall. It probably wasn’t just my fault, the bricks were damaged, rough at the edges, making it impossible for them to stand. The only way to build it up again, was to get new ones, unused and untouched bricks - start over.

 

After I had put Ellen down for her nap, I walked down the stairs. My daughter had been happy this morning and  was  oblivious  to  what was happening around her, too small to understand. In a few years, if nobody told her, Ellen would never know that I wasn’t here on her birthday. Maybe she would look at pictures from yesterday and just think I was the one who took the photos, but I would remember. I will look at them and never forgive myself. 

 

When I came into the living room, I stopped in the doorway when I saw Claire sitting  on the couch, her face buried in her hands. 

 

_ This is it. _

 

This was the final moment, where our future was laying in Claire hands, to try or end our marriage.

 

“I have this thing.” Claire broke the silence,  but  she didn’t look at me and that was alarming.  S he was looking down at her hands. “I write things  on the palm of my hand. It’s sometimes unconscious, but I have done it as far back as I can remember, from when I was Katie.”

 

“What do ye write?” I asked, not really understanding where she was going with this.

 

“Sometimes I spell out the word -  _ remember- _ with my finger.”

 

“Why do ye do it?”

 

“Maybe it’s like an invisible notebook.” Claire continued to stare at her hands. “I write your name, too,  _ sometimes _ .”

 

“What do ye think it means?”

 

“I don’t know. I can be out grocery shopping, I see something or someone familiar and find myself doing it. Spelling,  _ remember _ , like it’s something I should be remembering.  M aybe it’s my brain? Sending signals.”

 

“For how long have ye been spelling my name?”

 

“Maybe I have been doing it all along, maybe it was after I met you, I don’t know. I just caught myself doing it.”

 

_ Silence. _

 

“Ye have been gone a long time.” I stated carefully.

 

“Mhmhm.” Claire looked at me for the first time since I entered the room. “I  was  sitting in the car, a few blocks away. Thinking. Spelling your name in the palm of my hand,  _ repeatedly _ .”

 

“What did Laoghaire and Malva say?” I asked, fearing the answer more now when I saw how broken and shattered Claire behaved.

 

“You didn’t do it. I don’t know why they tried to lie and said that you did. Maybe  that was their plan,  to  seduce you and have you cheating so Laoghaire, or that god forsaken Malva, could have you. I don’t know. I saw right through them. You didn’t sleep with them, Jamie.”

 

_ Thank God.  _

 

“I’m sorry ye  had to go there in the first place.” 

 

“Me too.”

 

“I’m sorry  that  I  have  put us in this situation. I am sorry for my behavior. All of it. This is not who I am, it’s not  who I want to be.”

 

“Its clear we have bigger issues than we thought and I don’t know if I will  _ ever _ be able to forgive this.”

 

“I understand.” I said low,  not  really know ing what else to say. She was right not  to  forgive me. 

 

_ How can I ask her to forgive me, when I won’t ever forgive myself.  _

 

We looked at each other. The silence was crushing my very soul into nothing. It was hard  when Claire looked at me with her big, brown and beautiful eyes,  and I saw the sorrow and the heartbreak  in  them. I knew her, I knew her well , and that look  said she wanted comfort, but I was too afraid, maybe she would push me away,  n ot want ing me to touch her, so I stayed.

 

“I can’t live without ye, I don’t want to do that.” It was me who broke the silence now. “But if that’s yer wish, I will move out. I will do whatever ye want me to..”

 

“I don’t know if I can forgive you. This heartbreaking. I am scared. But I’m willing to try. This was a big error, a huge one but everyone deserves a second chance. We don’t get to choose who we love. We are powerless to have any say about it. I can’t change how I feel about you, even if I tried, I know I will love you forever.”

 

“I love ye, too. More than life, Claire.”

 

“But.” Claire said. “Both of us are hurting, we are both destroying th is beautiful thing we have - our marriage. We need help.”

 

“I’ll go to therapy, I will do  _ anything _ .”

 

“Couples counseling.”

 

“Aye.” 

 

“I understand  _ why _ you have been angry these  last  few days, Jamie. You  don’t deserve all the blame, not at all. I have been difficult lately. John and Tina.  M y eating, with me obsessively trying to become someone I’m not anymore. With everything surrounding my amnesia and going to back to medical school.” Claire was rambling. Giving me many alternative  reasons to excuse how I have been acting. “ ... and with our recent loss with not being pregnant...”

 

“Claire.” I interrupted her. “It’s  _ not _ your fault. Dinna make excuses for my unforgivable behavior, dinna make it easier for me. I don’t deserve that.”

 

“I’m not trying to make it easier for you. I’m doing it for myself. If this would have happened without cause, I wouldn’t be here right now. I would have been packing.” Claire answered irritably . “But we have been through more heartbreak then most, Jamie, we have fought harder than anyone to be together. God, you even died for me. I’m not taking this lightly, I’m not. I’m only reassuring myself, that this was wasn’t only your fault. That we are worth fighting for.”

 

“I don’t deserve ye.” 

 

“Stop.” Claire shook her head. “I can’t handle being angry with you if you keep looking like that.”

 

“I’m sorry.” I said and tried to stop looking like a pitiful bastard. “What now?”

 

“I think you should sleep in the guest bedroom. Even if you didn’t cheat, you still slept next another woman.  B efore I got to Laoghaire’s apartment, I had already pictured it all, multiple times. I need time.”

 

**2.41PM**

 

I had been given a second chance, or in my book, a  _ third _ chance to be with my wife. The rules  were simple, Claire didn’t necessarily call them rules, but that  is what they were, her requests:

 

  1. Sleep in separate rooms.
  2. No kissing or hugs.
  3. NEVER argue in front of Ellen.
  4. Better communication.
  5. Give her space when needed.
  6. Couple’s counseling.



 

I  was respectfully  going to follow the rules as if God himself wrote them. Commandments.

 

I was standing in the kitchen, doing the dishes with Ellen, she was standing next to me on a chair and she wasn’t helpful at all. She saw it like it was a adventure for her toys, dipping them in water like they were taking a bath and she laughed each time when she “accidentally” splashed water on me. It was nice. 

 

“Mr. Fraser.” John walked into the kitchen, with Tina trailing behind. It was the first time he addressed me in person since they had asked for my help. I had been happy with their non existence, I had barley even seen them, they had been  locked in the guest room, only coming out to use the bathroom or eat. “I have a serious matter to discuss with you.”

 

“More serious then ye being here?” I asked and dried my hands on a towel. “What is it?”

 

“I have been keeping tracks on Stefano Donatello, just to be sure he is still in the US.” John said and sat down by the kitchen table and placed his laptop on it. 

 

“And?” I asked, fearing the worst. If Stefano was coming, If he knew they were staying here - we all needed to run. 

 

“He is still there, for what I can see. Stefano has not left the states , but we found something else...”

 

“Out with it.” I raised my voice. 

 

“I was getting a strange signal while I was looking for a secure line. I promise, I have been very cautious and careful, not us ing your WiFi or anything to connect myself here but, we, I mean Tina, looked into the signal that was disturbing us and she hacked into it.”

 

“I don’t understand anything.” I was getting angrier by the seconds. “Just tell me.”

 

“Jamie.” Tina jumped in the conversation. “Your house is bugged.”

 

“What?” I said, shocked and lifted Ellen down on the floor. “What ye mean? What bugs?”

 

“Come and see.” Tina said and turned the laptop around for me to see. I looked at the screen, my stomach turning as I saw our house - every single room - on the screen. 

 

“What is this?” 

 

“ _ Someone _ is watching you.”

 

“Who?” I asked terrified.

 

“Someone in Scotland, we have spent hours, trying to find whoever has placed them here. We haven’t found out who yet, but the person is located here in Edinburgh.”

 

“Oh my god.” My hand flew to my mouth. “That means they have been in house! Right?”

 

“Yes.” John answered. “I’m afraid that someone has, and as you see, they have a camera in the guest room where me and Tina have been staying. That means they have been here for awhile.  _ Before _ we came here.”

 

This person, who ever it was, had broken into our house and we hadn’t noticed. I hadn’t noticed. I looked at the live video streams. My whole house on display. 

 

The livingroom.

The kitchen.

The hallway.

The guest bedroom.

The second guest bedroom.

The hallway upstairs.

Our bedroom.

Ellen’s bedroom

The bathroom upstairs and downstairs.

 

It got harder to breathe, and even worse when I suddenly saw Claire stepping into the bathroom, undressing herself - getting ready to shower.  _ Oh no _ . I quickly closed the laptop and ran out of the kitchen, then up the stairs, and I ran towards the bathroom.

 

“Claire.” I shouted and knocked hard on the door. “Open the door.”

 

I heard Claire turn off the shower. 

 

“What is it?” Claire asked worried, covering herself with the towel.

 

“Ye can’t shower. There are cameras in there.”

 

“What in  G od's name are you saying?” Claire ’s eyes w ere  wide  with horror. 

 

“There are cameras in the  _ entire _ house.” I was out of breath, slightly panicked but most of all, I was furious. “Including in the shower, I saw ye from Johns laptop.”

 

“John?” Claire said surprised. “Why ha s John place d cameras in the shower?”

 

“It’s not him. Tina and John were the ones who detected it. Get dressed, and come downstairs when you are done.” 

 

“You are scaring me. Who has done it?”

 

“I dinna ken...”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want you to react, I want you to feel. I want you to express yourself. I love reading it. Please continue with that in a respectful tone. Thank you for reading, liking, & supporting. I hope you liked it.


	7. Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @E_storm was beta again, thank ýou darling! xoxo

 

**25 December - 2012**

 

_ “We said no gifts,” Claire said, doing a awful job trying to sound upset,  _ _ as she held  _ _ the present I had  _ _ just _ _ given her. We were sitting side by side on the couch. I had bought it the day after the gala  _ _ and hid _ _ it in the closet just dying to give it to her. _

 

_ “It’s our first Christmas,” I answered softly. “And it’s just a wee gift.” _

 

_ The Christmas tree was dressed, sparkling with glitter and lights,  _ _ and  _ _ standing next to my couch. The whole apartment smel _ _ t _ _ like popcorn, gingerbread, and sugar. Frank Sinatra  _ _ played through _ _ the speakers and I looked at Claire with love and admiration.  _ _ S _ _ he was blushing and I couldn’t stop smiling. This was the second Christmas without my parents but it felt less hard with her here. I had anxiously been waiting for her to come home from her shift and now, it finally felt like Christmas - like home. _

 

_ “What is it?” Claire asked curiously, her fingers slowly brushing over the red ribbons. I could see that she was so eager to opened it. How I loved her childishness. _

 

_ “Look for yerself.”  _

 

_ Claire was smiling as she slowly pulled the red ribbon, then upped her speed - ripping apart the green wrapping paper, revealing a white box  _ _ that  _ _ she was quick to open. I watched her silently, waiting for a reaction.  _

 

_ “It’s a stethoscope,” Claire said, surprised,  _ _ and looked  _ _ at me with tears in her eyes. “Oh I love it.” _

 

_ “It’s engraved,” I  _ _ pointed out,  _ _ smiling, and Claire picked up the stethoscope from its box, turning it around until she found it.  _

 

_ Dr. Claire Fraser.  _

 

_ “Oh Jamie.” Claire  _ _ threw  _ _ herself  _ _ at _ _ me and kissed me vigorously. “Thank you. Thank you.” _

 

_ “I ken it’s early but...” I said. “But when ye said ye got into medical school, I just wanted to buy something.” _

 

_ “It’s perfect.” Claire kissed me again,softer this time. “You are perfect.” _

 

_ Suddenly I was laying on my back on the couch, with Claire sitting on top _ _ of me _ _. She put on the stethoscope and placed the metal thingy on my chest - listening to my heartbeat. _

 

_ “Your heart sounds good, Mr. Fraser,” Claire said  _ _ in  _ _ a professional doctor voice. _

 

_ “Ye sure?” I  _ _ replied _ _. “It skips a beat sometimes.” _

 

_ “That’s not good.” Claire happily played along and listened again. “Is there a specific time or occasion when this occurs _ _? _ _ Do you know what might be the reason?” _

 

_ “It started a few months ago. I met this woman, a English nurse, quite impolite but she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.” _

 

_ “I see. I’m sure she was impolite because her patient was being reckless.” Claire smiled wider. “So you have been having difficulties since you met her?” _

 

_ “Oh aye. Every single time I look at her, my heart starts beating very, very fast, like it’s going to jump out of my chest and then. _ _.. _ _ ” I smiled back at her, my hand reaching up to caress her cheek.  _

 

_ “And then?” Claire sounded out of breath.  _

 

_ “Then, she smiles and time seize to exist, the world stops and I find myself forgetting to breath.” _

 

_ “Sounds dangerous.” _

 

_ “Aye, love makes one reckless.” _

 

_ “It seem _ _ s _ _ to be contagious.” Claire leaned down and stopped just inches away from my lips. “I feel it too, my heart beating so fast and hard I’m sometimes afraid I might die.” _

 

_ “Please don’t.” I chuckled. “But dinna fash, I believe there is a cure for us.” _

 

_ “Oh, who is the doctor now? What’s the cure?” _

 

_ “This,” I whispered against her lips, our bodies  _ _ pressed _ _ flush together and my heart started beating faster again. I kissed her, softly at first, until Claire deepened our kiss. It was passionate, urgent, and hard. My hands moved from her back down to her ass, pushing her closer, and she responded by vigorously grinding her lower body against my very core. I was hard and desperately needed to feel her bare skin.  _

 

_ Suddenly, Claire sat up and pulled her sweater off and I eagerly did the same. I tapped my finger on her jeans, silently ordering her to take them off as well.  _

 

_ When neither of us  _ _ wore  _ _ a single thread of clothing, Claire slowly climbed on top again and time stopped. My heart skipped a beat and, for a second, I forgot to breathe. She was beautiful. _

 

_ “I have missed you,” Claire whispered and I lightly ran one single finger from her lips downwards, touching her chin, her collarbone, and took her breast fully in my hand.  _

 

_ “I have missed ye, too.” _

 

_ “Show me how much.” _

 

_ And I did. Twice. _

 

_ Afterward, with only the lights shining from the Christmas tree, we laid naked on the couch, both  _ _ of us  _ _ still panting and sweaty. Claire’s head rest _ _ ed _ _ on my chest, laying with half her body on me. _

 

_ “This can be our Christmas tradition,” I said and bent my head down  _ _ to kiss  _ _ her head. _

 

_ “Do you regret  _ _ not _ _ going home? To Lallybroch?” _

 

_ “Nah. Jenny and Ian are with his family.” _

 

_ “You could have gone without me.”  _

 

_ “And miss this?” I laughed hard. “No, it’s not yer fault you needed to work. We can celebrate with them next year.” _

 

_ “I have been feeling guilty all day.”  _

 

_ “Don’t be. I have been working on my case, it’s fine. Ye are my home now. I go where you go.” _

 

_ “I have something for you, too,” Claire said suddenly and got up from the couch. Confused, I watched her leave the living room and sat upright.  _

 

_ It didn’t take long before Claire came back,  _ _ walking  _ _ naked towards me with her hands behind her back, _ _ and _ _ hiding something  _ _ as _ _ I curiously watched her. _

 

_ “What do ye have behind  _ _ ye _ _ there then?” _

 

_ “I bought you a Christmas gift as well.” Claire smiled and handed me a colorful wrapped present. I gave her an amused look and opened it up. It was a book. The very same one I had been holding that day  _ _ I _ _ followed Claire into the bookstore, the one I had pretended to be reading; My  _ _ F _ _ irst  _ _ P _ _ eriod and  _ _ W _ _ hat  _ _ T _ _ o  _ _ D _ _ o. _

 

_ “I thought it was a fun way to remember our first date,” Claire said shyly and I realized I hadn’t said anything.  _

 

_ It’s impossible to really say when someone fall _ _ s _ _ in love. But I’m sure  _ _ that  _ _ I was already in love with her when I asked her out that day. My soul had found its match a long time before we even met and that bookstore was  _ _ just  _ _ our meeting point. The start of something rare and beautiful.  _

 

_ “Best thing I have ever done was follow ye into that book store,” I said. “I will probably  _ _ never _ _ read it, but I’ll treasure it. Thank ye, I love it.” _

 

_ “This is really real,  _ _ is _ _ n’t it?” Claire asked. _

 

_ “What is?” _

 

_ “You and me.” _

 

_ “God I hope so.” I  _ _ chuckled _ _. “If this is a dream, I never want to wake up.” _

 

_ “I have been dreaming  _ _ about _ _ this.” Claire sat down next to me, wrapp _ _ ing _ _ both of us in the warm blanket. “To have a family again. To come home and feel the Christmas spirit. You know, It was my dad's favorite holiday. I still remember how he was even more excited than I was Christmas morning.” _

 

_ Claire rarely talked about her parents,  _ _ and  _ _ neither did I. In fact, I never talked about  _ _ t _ _ hem. With anyone. _

 

_ “Have ye been alone all this time?”  _

 

_ “Since my uncle died, I have been alone..” _

 

_ “How do ye manage to live with it? The pain, I mean,” I asked. I didn’t want to talk about my parents, but somehow I needed to know how she dealt with her grief because I still hadn’t learned to live with my pain. I hadn’t even said their names out loud.  _

 

_ “When they died… the first few weeks I pretended they never existed at all. Just the thought of them made my burst into tears. I couldn’t breathe. I forced my uncle to hide their photos, everything.” _

 

_ “Then what?” I swallowed hard. I wasn’t sure where this conversation was going, but I needed to know. _

 

_ “I missed their faces. I missed their voices most of all. I couldn’t keep on pretending and one day when my uncle was out _ _ , _ _ ” Claire paused and looked at me. “I walked to  _ _ the  _ _ closet where everything was stashed and I took out the home video from our trip to Greece. I watched it over and over. I cried nonstop. I cried until my tears turned into laughter. I tried to be thankful for the time I had with them and I promised myself to honor their memory by remembering them.” _

 

_ “Twelve year old Claire sounds very wise.” _

 

_ “She was.” Claire smiled. “But she was hurting for a long time.” _

 

_ “When did it stop?”  _

 

_ “It hasn’t.” _

 

_ I nodded wordless _ _ ly _ _ \- disappointed. _

 

_ “But I keep them with me, always. Honoring them by talking about them. Remembering the good parts.” _

 

_ I still didn’t answer. I knew what she was doing.  _ _ S _ _ he was trying to get me to talk about my parents. Maybe support groups worked for her, but not for me.  _

 

_ “My mother’s name was Julia and my father’s name was Henry. They died in a car accident when I was twelve.” Claire took my hand. “What was your mother’s name, Jamie?” _

 

_ No. _

 

_ Please. _

 

_ Don’t. _

 

_ “Jamie,” Claire said softly and I couldn’t look at her.  _

 

_ “I dinna want to play this game,” I answered low _ _ ly _ _. _

 

_ “It’s not a game. It’s life. You need to let it out.” _

 

_ Silence. _

 

_ “My mother’s name was Julia and my father’s name was Henry. They died in a car accident when I was twelve,” Claire said it again. “What was your mother’s name, Jamie?” _

 

_ Their names  _ _ were _ _ screaming in _ _ side _ _ my head. Dying to be said  _ _ aloud _ _ ,  _ _ but  _ _ I fought against it.  _ _ If _ _ I said their names, it was true, all of it. That they were dead. I stayed silent until Claire took  _ _ my _ _ other hand, lightly forcing me to look at her. Her eyes pleading  _ _ for  _ _ me to trust her. _

 

_ “Ellen,” I whispered. “My mother’s name was Ellen.” _

 

_ “And what was your father’s name _ _? _ _ ” _

 

 _I felt the panic crawling_ _through me_ _and_ _closed my eyes. I had built up walls and now I felt the_ _ir_ _stones falling around me. I couldn’t hide. Nothing change_ _d_ _instantaneously but with Claire by my side, I felt brave enough to try._

 

_ “My father’s name was Brian.” I clenched my jaw. “He died two years ago.” _

 

_ “And how did he die?”  _

 

_ “He was shot.” _

 

_ “Now, repeat after me,” Claire said. “Their deaths  _ _ were _ _ not my fault.” _

 

_ I looked at Claire, shocked. How did she know?  _ _ How did she know t _ _ hat I blamed myself.  _

 

_ “Say it.” _

 

_ “My mother’s name was Ellen and my father’s name was Brian.” I stopped and Claire squeezed my hand,  _ _ which  _ _ was shaking uncontrollably and I couldn’t see  _ _ through _ _ all  _ _ my  _ _ tears. I closed my eyes. “Their deaths  _ _ were _ _ not my fault.” _

 

_ “It wasn’t your fault,” Claire repeated and I heard her.  _

 

_ “I would do anything to have them back, just for a second.” _

 

_ “I know.” _

 

_ “If you tell me something about them, anything, I will remember them with you. We can honor the _ _ ir _ _ memory together.”  _

 

_ “My mother was a firefighter...” _

 

_ My cracked, broken soul felt less broken for the first time since they died. I told Claire about my parents for the first time. She held my hand the entire time and we cried together. I wasn’t alone anymore and neither was she.  _

 

-

 

**Saturday**

**6.28PM**

 

All four of us  were sitting in the kitchen. All of us  stared  at the extremely small cameras laying on the table. Nobody said a word. It had been easy finding them, knowing  with John’s laptop where the cameras had been set up - hidden. 

 

_ Someone has been watching us. Who? Why? _

 

“Ha s this person been able to hear us, too?” Claire asked.  S he was sitting next to me with Ellen in her lap. I could see the fear in her eye and I felt helpless. I wanted to comfort her and hold her, but that would break the rules. My touch wasn’t wanted  and  even if it was, it would probably make her feel worse. I placed my left hand on the table, palm up, just in case. 

 

“Yes,” John answered. “I think we got everything, but if I had the right equipment I could know for sure. I don’t know if there are any microphones but at least we got the cameras.”

 

“Can’t ye trace the cameras? Ye have them, can’t ye see who bought them or where they were purchased?” I asked. 

 

“Tina tried, but this person has gone through a lot of trouble to make sure he  or  she is untraceable...” John  answered calmly. “It will take hours, or maybe even days to figure out the algorithm on this signal.”

 

“Days?” Claire asked, horrified. “Jamie, we need to do something. Involve the police, file a  report. ”

 

“We can’t,” I answered defensively and looked at John. “We are harboring fugitives, criminals. If we involve the police, there is a risk we will be charged  as  accessor ies .”

 

“How?” Claire asked, worried.

 

“Whoever this person is, he,she, or they have watched us for days, even weeks. They have footage of Tina and John here, in our house. That’s evidence that can be used against us. Christ, who knows, maybe they are still listening.” 

 

I stopped talking, trying to figure out how to make sure nobody was, in fact, still listening. 

 

“Is there any technology that could disable all  the  electronics in the house?” Claire asked  in a whisper , probably afraid that someone would hear her, not that it mattered.  I f there were any microphones, the y could be anywhere.

 

“Yes, but I don’t have one with me,” John answered. “And It’s probably not a very good idea if I were to walk outside and be seen in public. If it’s like you said Claire, that the police know I’m in Scotland, it’s too dangerous for all of us if I go outside ..”

 

“Maybe I have something at work?” I wondered. “What is it? An EMP?”

 

“That’s not going to work.” John answered, amused that I had no knowledge of these kind of things. “You need a Capri-DS2 device. It’s not legal so I’m guessing you don’t have them laying around at the station.”

 

“How do I get one?” I asked, even though it was illegal, even if I was going against what I believed in and breaking the law.

 

“I don’t have any connections here in Scotland but I have a friend in the states, who maybe can help.” 

 

“Call him.”

 

**9.02PM**

 

This weekend, our last weekend together before I went back to work, wasn’t turning out how I thought it would. Neither Claire or I could have imagined this. I barely dared to speak, fearing that someone was still listening, and Claire... well she was trying to cope with everything in her own way, but she wasn’t alright. Nobody was, but she was really struggling. It pained me even more now that she was in our bedroom while I was here, in the guest room. At least she wasn’t alone. Ellen was with her, neither of us wanting for her to be alone in her room. 

 

John and Tina  sat  in the other guest room, busy trying to hack the intruder. I couldn’t for the life of me understand who could have done this or why this person wanted to spy on us. 

 

_ What have they heard? What do they know? What is the purpose  _ _ of _ _ this? Why? _

 

I felt restless and worried,  but  I wasn’t tired at all. I wasn’t sure if I could sleep even if I was. Millions of questions  ran around my head  and I felt frustrated. I  was a detective, it  was my job to figure these things out but I couldn’t. I didn’t know. I had no answers. I had wanted to leave the house, just for a while until I knew it was safe to return. But John and Tina, they couldn’t leave and we - that would mean Claire - decided we needed to wait and see if John’s contact could get that CAPRI-DS2 device.

 

_ Can’t stay here. _

 

I walked out of the room, went down the hallway, and sat down on the floor in front of my bedroom door, guarding it, and it felt better to know they were safe. Ellen was probably sleeping by now, but through the crack I could see that the lights were still turned on. Claire was awake. I leaned my head against the door and sighed. 

 

Just one more day until work. I was debating if I should call my new boss tomorrow  and ask if I could start  on  another day, another week, maybe even another month. How  was I supposed to go to work, focus on a new case, and try to solve it while  I knew I would be  worrying about Claire and Ellen’s safety.  I w onder ed who ha d an agenda against my family. Was I the target? Or worse, Claire or Ellen?

 

This person or people had probably been supervising our house, waiting for us to leave  in order to set up the cameras. By now, they must  have surely discovered that we had taken them down,  and  what was stopping them  from coming  back?

 

_ And i _ _ f they do? What  _ _ would _ _ they want?  _

 

My thoughts w ere interrupted when I heard a low sound coming from inside my bedroom. I closed my eyes when I understood what it was - Claire. She was crying. I could hear her muffled sniffing and it made my heart ache something terrible. 

 

Everything ha d changed, even if I wanted to comfort her  \-  and I did something fiercely - she didn’t want my comfort, didn’t want my touch. This was my punishment - to do nothing -  to  just sit here and listen, knowing that I was the one to blame. I just wanted to take away her pain, for her to be happy, but I was the  source of it all . 

 

-

 

Claire needed Jamie. She needed him in a way she had never needed anything  else . She needed his body next to her s . His lips on her mouth. His arms around her. His heart. Him. 

 

Without Jamie, Claire didn’t know who she was. Without him, she would probably feel like Katie. But maybe the answer was that she needed to find out who she was without him? Maybe  then she would remember? Could it be  t hat his love blocked everything ? That he was an obstacle ?

 

No. 

 

Claire didn’t want to be someone else tha t wasn’t his. Even if it meant that she didn’t know, couldn’t remember. She wanted him.  To b e his. 

 

It was overwhelming. The need. The want. The desperate craving to be with him. It was only nine pm, the night would be long and lonely even if Claire had her daughter next to her. Ellen couldn’t physically fill the empty space were her husband used to sleep.

 

Claire’s body felt different, her mind  was  clouded and her heart was bleeding. 

 

_ Save me.  _

_ Save my soul.  _

_ Save our love.  _

 

This was the first time Claire let herself cry. She did it silently, push ing back the urge to scream,  but let the tears fall down. 

 

_ Forgive. _

_ Forgive him. _

_ Forgive and let go. _

 

Claire turned around, laying on her side and looked at the silver ring -  hers - on the nightstand. 

 

_ Vows. _

_ Vows of love. _

_ Vows for better and worse. _

_ Vows for sickness and in health. _

_ Vows of eternity. Forever. To death do us part. _

 

It felt like a nightmare. Everything  did . It was surreal and almost felt like a joke, a terrible joke,  w ith Jamie and with the cameras. Claire didn’t feel safe. The only comfort she had had was Jamie, but  even  as everything was falling apart around her, she still didn’t know if they could repair  them . Fix them.

 

_ What if I can’t? If I can’t forgive him _ _? _

 

Once again, Claire’s body felt strange.  W as it because of everything happening? Was her body revolting  against her , breaking in two because of the heartbreak  and longing she had for Jamie?

 

Suddenly, it all got worse.  S he felt nauseous and knew it was  only  seconds before she would throw up. Quickly she got up and ran towards the door. 

 

-

 

**9.45PM**

 

I heard the footsteps, but didn’t have time to react and I definitely wasn’t expecting Claire to leave her room in such a hurry. In seconds, the door flew open and I fell back and hit my head on the floor. Thankfully Claire didn’t trip over me, but she looked frightened and probably was surprised that I was there in the first place. But she didn’t stay to talk, she didn’t even question my presence. Instead she ran past me and into the bathroom.

 

I crawled back up on to my feet and scratched my head.  _ What’s happening? _ I peeked into the bedroom  and saw  Ellen sound asleep, laying on my side of the bed. 

 

I couldn’t help myself. I walked down the hallway and stepped into the bathroom, finding Claire on the floor  with  her head in the toilet, vomiting.

 

“Claire?” I said, worried. “Ye okey?”

 

“Do I look okey?” Claire answered and looked back at me. She looked tired and pale, making me even more worried. But it didn’t take long before she turned around and continued emptying her inside s . Without thinking, forgetting about the rules, I sat down behind her,  held back her hair, and started lightly rubbing her back.

 

“Are ye sick?” 

 

“No,” Claire answered and wiped her mouth. “Maybe it’s something I ate, or stress.”

 

“Can I get ye anything?” I was still rubbing her back and she didn’t shy away from me, from my touch. It sparked hope  inside me and I was glad that I could just be there for her. To  _ finally _ comfort her.

 

“No.” Claire sounded hesitant. “Just stay here.”

 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Biologically, I was created to  simply  exist and walk on this earth.  B ut my bones, my muscles, the blood running through my veins - my entire body was created  for this exact moment, to be by Claire’s side, to comfort her, to love her. As God as my witness, I would do that until the day I die. If she let me.

 

We sat silently on the bathroom floor,  with me  leaning against the wall and  Claire hovering over the toilet. I was content. I could breathe eas y for the first time since I left the house yesterday. It had been almost twenty four hours since I had touched her last and I relished in it , savoring it. Suddenly, Claire turned to face me.

 

“This doesn’t mean I forgive you,”  s he said low ly and I waited, unsure  of  what she meant. 

 

I wanted to cry when she moved closer and leaned her head against my shoulder. I didn’t dare move.

 

“Hold me,” she whispered and I obliged. I wrapped my arm around her, holding her tightly against me. I held my breath, hoping it would magically stop time. My heart skipped a beat when she snuggled closer. In the name of love, in the name of Claire, I couldn’t stop it  as tears started slowly running down my cheeks. 

 

“I can’t sleep without you. But I...” Claire stopped talking.

 

“I understand. Just let me hold ye, ease your pain for awhile,” I whispered back. “If ye want, ye can fall asleep. I’ll carry ye back to bed.”

 

Claire didn’t answer, but I felt her body relaxed. We continued to sit there in silence. In what was a chaotic time, I found a moment of peace. The cold  tile  wall was nothing when I had the warmth radiating from my wife. I would take her pain, just for a while. 

 

_ I love you. _

 

After some time, Claire’s body felt heavier, her breathing  became  deeper, and from the light snoring, I knew she was sleep. It wasn’t easy, but I managed to maneuver  around  and rise from the floor without waking her and I carried her in my arms out of the bathroom. She looked  so  peaceful sleeping. I had helped  her  and that brought me joy. 

 

I carefully laid Claire down in our bed, next to our beautiful sleeping daughter. She stirred but didn’t wake when I drew the cover over her. I should  have left but I couldn’t. I stayed and watched her,  watched  them. I’m not afraid of dying, I don’t fear death. Not anymore. I have died and it didn’t hurt -  it was peaceful and light. But losing Claire and Ellen, that was painful.  J ust the thought of not having them was excruciating and unbearable. 

 

I ha d known loss, more  so than most. It’s  been almost seven years  since my parents  had  died.  I t was hard and I struggled for a long time, but it helped knowing that they were together, maybe living in rose garden - mine and Jenny’s - watching from a unknown distance. Watching rose petals grow out of laughter and love. 

 

Losing my parent s was terrible, but when I believed Claire had died, that was the worst thing I had ever experienced. That pain, that loss was what made me  the man I  was today,  who was  me but not  at the same time . I ha d n’t been healing like I should. I was still broken, still grieving the woman Claire had been. I looked at her  in the bed  again.  S he looked like herself.  A ll  the  versions of her  were mine, I just needed to remind myself  of  that. Even if she didn’t remember, I loved every version, every form of her. 

 

I closed my eyes, picturing myself standing  at my kitchen table, opening a brand new box of dominos. I could almost feel it,  it was so real. I pictured myself taking out one red brick. It was new, untouched and whole. I placed it on the table. It was steady, standing still. I was starting over,  b uilding something new.  Something d ifferent. Again.

 

I opened my eyes again and walked towards the door,  but  stopped in the doorway.

 

“Sometimes,” I whispered and looked at them. “I’m afraid that I’m going wake up and this was just a dream.”

  
  


**Sunday.**

 

I woke up in my room - the guest room. I had only slept for a few hours, maybe four. After I had left Claire and Ellen in our bedroom yesterday, I sat down again outside the  d oor - guarding  it . I sat there thinking and wondering, trying to figure out how to deal with the intruders, and after a few hours John Grey walked out of the guest room where he and Tina slept. It  was  tense and awkward but he offered to take my place  and  a chance to sleep knowing someone was watching over the people I loved. I had refused at first, but he was inconsistent and stubborn. He reminded me of myself.

 

_ “Mr. Fraser,” John had finally said. “I know how it feels to be helpless, how it feels when you don’t know how to protect the ones you love. You have given me shelter, a place to find some kind of peace and I want to repay it. Please. Let me.” _

 

And I did. 

 

I had hated John Grey, but now at least  I  respected him. 

 

**8.39AM**

 

When I walked down the stairs, I heard the familiar sound of my daughter ’s laugh and, to my surprise, I heard Claire laughing as well. 

 

“You ready, Ellen?” I heard John Grey ask.

 

I found them all in the kitchen, my wife and daughter sitting  at the table, next to my former coworker and friend, Tina. The table was set and John  stood  over by the stove, holding  a frying pan, throwing a pancake up in the air as I walked in and impressively  caught it again, making Ellen clap her hands in excitement.

 

“Good morning,” I said and sat down next to my daughter. 

 

“Do you want coffee Mr. Fraser ? ” John asked as he poured more pancake batter in the pan. 

 

“Yes, if there is any,” I answered and felt how my presence made everyone stiff. I hated it. Maybe it was his grand gesture yesterday or the fact that he was making my daughter laugh today, but I wanted to be a part of the happiness I had walked into ... I wanted to be happy. “And please, call me Jamie.”

 

John nodded wordlessly and I saw in the corner of my eye that Claire and Tina gave each other a meaningful look, smiling. It felt nice. John placed a mug in front of me and  filled it with coffee. 

 

“Thank you, John.”

 

“My pleasure, Jamie.”

 

I had been so determined to see John Grey as the enemy,  a criminal, but he was a decent guy. Nothing excuse d his criminal behavior, but it was hard to hate a man who treated everyone with  such  kindness and respect. After all, I had so much to thank him  for . For finding out the truth about Geneva and, now, for finding the cameras. It was their last day here, we  sh ould at least make the best of it.

 

**9.24AM**

 

I held onto my phone so hard I thought the display might crack. I was furious after my phone call with my new boss - Alec McMahon. I had called to politely ask if I could start another day and he threatened to fire me if I wasn’t at the station seven AM on Monday morning. 

 

Angus had already warned me about Alec McMahon, the new Chief Constable. Everyone hated him because of his attitude. I usually  would  never let anyone talk to me like Alec  did  just now and I wanted to scream, ‘ _ Fire me then’ _ ,  at him - b ut I didn’t. We needed the money, I needed this job. 

 

_ Fucking bastard. _

 

“Everything alright?” John walked into the living room and I put my phone in my back pocket. 

 

“No. It’s work related.”

 

“Anything I can help with?”

 

“No, I don’t think so.”

 

“I just wanted to thank you. For letting us stay,” John said. “And that Tina reversed the signal. We tracked it and found the microphone.  There  was only one, in your bedroom. I don’t know how Tina did it, but she is one of kind,  much  better than I am.”

 

_ Our room. Christ.  _

 

“No, thank  _ you _ , John,” I said, relieved that we were safer. For now. “Are ye leaving now? Where are ye going?”

 

“Honestly.” John dragged his hand through his hair. It was as  if  I  saw him for the first time. I could see the evidence of  the lack of sleep and  his  worries in his eyes. He was carrying the world on his shoulders. “I have no idea. It was simpler before, but now  that Tina is pregnant... I’m thinking of leaving her behind. She would be safer.”

 

“Aye.” I nodded, understanding. “But she would only track ye down and scold ye for leaving her behind. Aye?”

 

John started laughing and I couldn’t help but smile.

 

“She would, wouldn’t she,” John said and I could see that he was hurting. I felt sorry for the man. He loved Tina and just wanted her safe, her and the baby. 

 

I know that Tina was almost as stubborn as Claire and if it was the other way around, I would also think of the possibility  of leav ing her behind. To keep her safe. 

 

“I can’t believe that I'm saying this,” I said. “ But i f ye promise me that it’s safe, ye can stay  _ one _ more day.”

 

“Really?” John asked, surprised, and I felt exactly the same. I couldn’t believe  that  I said it. But it did gave me one more day to make sure Claire was safe. I was going back to work and she was going to be alone.

 

“Aye.”

 

In all of the light and all of the dark, I strangely found a small connection with John Grey. We were different in so many ways, but we had one thing in common - the love for our families.

  
  



	8. Keep your secrets secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the second chapter this week. so dont read this if you missed sundays update. @thebrochtuarachs was beta on this.

  
  


Nothing breaks like a heart. Throw a glass and it’s shattered pieces will look like an invisible and sharp  weapon . Break a wooden chair in two and its wooden chips can be used as fuel to fire. 

 

But breaking a human heart does more damage than anything. The pain - the heartbreak -  can do far more deadlier things than any object. Geneva would know.  In fact, she knew it all to well.

 

Even if Claire broke Geneva’s heart, she still thinks their love was - and still is - real.

 

When it all came down that December day, when it felt like Geneva, suddenly, was falling down an endless waterfall, she had wanted to question it all. She had been sitting peacefully in her living room in New York with Ellen in her arms when the NYPD stormed her house  and arrested her. When she got caught, she didn’t try to run nor make up lies. 

 

When Geneva was  on  trial and  convicted for murder  with Claire  testifying against her, she never hesitated,  reacted or flinched . Because she had killed Mary, she had done what they were accusing her of. She had even done far worse things they didn’t know  about \-  like kill Claire’s parents. So when they sentenced her to the mental institution  instead of a jail , she thought it was a  better outcome and that she totally got away with it... _ again _ .  She had problems and she had been sure Claire only wanted her to deal with her problems - the jealousy,  for one \- and only wanted the best for her.  Geneva saw it as  a recovery  \- and as another chance -  for her. 

 

Geneva’s parents was never involved, she was very clear that everything was on her. She killed Mary  and she hid the evidence. Her father’s influences didn’t give her a shorter sentence. Ten years - eight, if she cooperated and took the help they offered. 

 

Geneva was transferred from New York straight to England - Berkshire, to  be exact, in the Vallio Institution, a high-security psychiatric hospital.  A place  where she spent seven months trying to convince everyone that she wasn’t crazy. 

 

At first, Geneva told the psychologists and the doctor's her and Claire’s romantic love story - how they met as children and reconciled as adults. She told them about the child she lost, Lucas, and the child she gained, Ellen. They tried to pin different disorders on her, claimed that she was bipolar, delusional and mentally incapable of understanding reality. But she knew better and after awhile, she played along. She was an educated and smart woman, she understood that they were never  letting her out until she “faced the truth.” 

 

No matter that everyone said , Geneva never stopped believing in the powerful love she had for Claire. 

 

In the UK, you are not an  _ inmate _ at a mental health facility, you are a  _ patient _ . That gave Geneva comfort, a different set of criteria for  rules and visits and she waited - every single day - for Claire to visit. 

 

She never came.

 

It hurt but if anything, Geneva was persistent and manipulative and she used that to her advantage. She befriended her guard, Benji Beattie. A tall and broad British man, whose face would intimidate many, but not her - she looked past the ugly scars and burns. It turned out that he was ex military. She played her part as the innocent, falsely accused, scared little woman perfectly and he ate every word. Their friendship evolved, Benji really cared for her and Geneva used her beauty and body to get an upper hand. It didn’t take long until he believed her story, but in her defense, she wasn’t crazy so she wasn’t really lying. 

 

So one day when Geneva was sick of waiting for Claire, she asked Benji for a small, tiny favor. She asked him to go to Scotland, find a woman named Claire Fraser, and then come back with information about her, her whereabouts and well-being.

 

Geneva had been sure there had to be a reason why Claire hadn’t visit or called but when Benji came back and showed her the pictures, her heart broke. Claire wasn’t hurting, she wasn’t grieving their relationship but instead she looked at photographs of Claire and Jamie kissing, Claire and Jamie holding hands, Jamie, Claire and Ellen eating ice-cream. Just the Frasers being this domestic, happy family and it gut her to her core. They had forgotten about her and she had to remedy that. 

 

So Geneva did what any sane person would do, she convinced her new friend, Benji Beattie, to help her fake her death. 

 

It was easier than Geneva had thought. Benji injected her with a senescence to make her heart rate slow down and after that, everything happened very fast. With the goodbye note she had written, combined with Benji pretending to do CPR, nobody double checked her pulse. They believed she had killed herself.  Even after that showcase,  nobody even noticed that there was a completely different body laying in Vallio’s morgue - her name had been Isadora Green - another patient, a brunette woman who looked alike Geneva. A woman nobody would be looking for. One the system that would fade away. Benji killed Isadora for her, which was pretty romantic,  if Geneva thought so herself . 

 

After her escape,  Geneva changed her hair, dyed it blond and she took on a new identity, a new name - Jessica Jones. It was a silly mix of her favorite characters from her favorite movies smudge together,  _ Jessica _ Rabbit combined with Bridget  _ Jones _ .

 

Geneva’s first stop was to visit her parents. Her mother fainted at the sight of her and her father had screamed. But in the end, nobody seemed to be really grieving her. In fact, they had been on their way to the Bahamas, suitcases already packed in the hallway. Their only child had died the day before and they were going on vacation. No thought in planning a funeral. They had started arguing and it ended like it always did - money.  A checkbook her father promised was unlimited for her disposal. They had agreed and wanted to continue to believe she was dead. It was overwhelming  and frustrating but Geneva tried to stay focused on Claire and Ellen - her real family.

 

Geneva and Benji crossed the Scottish Borders in late May. With her father’s money, she bought a house in Edinburgh. Paid cash. No traces.

 

The first few days, Geneva had hidden in parked car near Claire and Jamie’s house. But she almost never saw them or anything from that distance. She felt frustrated but one day, Benji came up with a plan, a solution, and told her about his  _ hacker _ friend . Geneva’s never cared to know his name, it was  _ something something _ Franklin. She only cared for his equipments and his expertise. 

 

**_15 July_ **

**_Monday_ **

 

_ After many hours of surveillance, Jamie and Claire finally left the house. Mr. Franklin and Geneva was quick to run inside while Benji waited in the car - like an obedient, love sick puppy.  _

 

_ Mr. Franklin started installing the cameras  _ _ in every room of the house _ _. When he was done with their bedroom Geneva stayed. She laid down on the bed and smelled the pillows. Everything smelled like Claire and it only painfully reminded Geneva how much she had missed her. How much she craved to have her again by her side.  _

 

_ Geneva closed her eyes and pressed the pillow hard against her face, breathing in Claire  _ _ scent _ _. The whole thing was thrilling, even arousing and she wanted to touch herself, but time was working against her and she didn’t know if she would be able to stop herself if she started.  _

 

_ Restraining herself _ _ , she got up, walked over to the closet,  _ _ and  _ _ opened it, letting her fingers brush lightly against Claire’s clothes. Nothing looked like the things she used to wear before in New York. Claire definitely had a better taste than she had had  _ _ when she was _ _ Katie. The only problem was that the men’s wear hanging next to hers was wrong - it should be her clothes hanging there. Everything was wrong, Jamie wasn’t supposed to be in the picture. He wasn’t supposed to be with Claire - she was.  _

 

_ Geneva opened the underwear drawer and took a pair of Claire’s panties and put them in her pocket.  _

 

_ “Miss Jones” Mr. Franklin said and it took a second for her to remember that was her new name, Jessica Jones. She had been too caught up thinking of Claire.  _

 

_ “What is it?” _

 

_ “I am done. It is all set up. We can leave.” _

 

_ “Will I be able to hear them?” Geneva asked and looked at the tiny camera he had set up. It was barely visible in the corner, they would never see it. _

 

_ “Yes, all the cameras have audio in them. But I installed two extra microphones. Just in case.” _

 

_ “Where are them?” _

 

_ “You said that the woman was important, so I placed one on the side of her nightstand.” _

 

_ “Excellent.” _

 

_ “The second one is down is down in the kitchen. Who are these people anyway?” Mr.Franklin asked. He didn’t sound judgmental,  _ _ just utterly curious _ _.  _

 

_ “They are my family.” _

 

_ An hour later, Geneva, Benji and Mr. Franklin sat in her guestroom or as it now would be, the surveillance room. They had four screens standing on a computer desk, all screens showing Claire and Jamie’s house in different angles and positions. _

 

_ Camera 1 - The living room _

_ Camera 2 - Downstairs bathroom. _

_ Camera 3 - The kitchen  _

_ Camera 4 - Ellen’s bedroom  _

_ Camera 5 - Guestroom _

_ Camera 6  - Upstairs bathroom  _

_ Camera 7 - Second guest room _

_ Camera 8 - Claire and Jamie’s bedroom _

_ Camera 9 -  The hallway. _

 

_ “They are walking inside.” Benji seemed as excited as Geneva was and she smiled at his reaction. _

 

_ The whole Fraser family had indeed come home and they didn’t suspect a thing. Jamie carried a sleeping Ellen in his arms and walked up the stairs. But Geneva stayed with Claire. God! How long it had been since she really saw her up close. _

 

_ Geneva felt like she was drifting into a blissful dream. Her heart was still broken, but watching Claire after,  _ _ even after _ _ all this time  _ _ and after all the hurt and pain she brought _ _ , it was slowly mending back  _ _ together _ _ again -  _ _ just the sight of Claire was putting her back together _ _. How was it possible? How could she have this affect on her?  _ _ Geneva  _ _ wondered.  _

 

_ Geneva continued to follow Claire through the house, she didn’t care or bother enough to see where Jamie was. Claire walked upstairs and let down  _ _ her beautiful, long hair, which Geneva has noticed to have grown a few inches since _ _ New York. She walked down the hall and into the bathroom. Camera 6. _

 

_ “Alright fellas.” Geneva said when Claire unbuttoned her jeans. “Time for you to go.” _

 

 _Benji and Mr. Franklin left the room and closed the door. Geneva quickly got up to lock the door and returned to her seat in the big, brown leather chair. Claire stood almost completely naked, just wearing her bra_ _and_ _Geneva_ _lost it. She had seen Claire naked before, but only briefly and hasty as Claire walked by when they were still living together. This was new, this was carefree and relaxed Claire who wasn’t hiding, wasn’t covering any_ _of her_ _body parts._

 

_ Geneva’s breathing felt heavier and heavier as Claire  _ _ was finally _ _ completely naked before stepping into the shower. The camera was amazing, HD, 1080p and it was placed perfectly so Geneva could see everything. All of her. _

 

_ Claire closed her eyes when the water fell down on her face and Geneva touched the screen - Claire’s face. It was unbearable how much she wished she was there with her. Touching her. Kissing her. This love was torture but the pain was worth it. Claire was worth it all. _

 

_ Claire grabbed the soap and Geneva stared intensely, followed her hands as she took more soap to wash her breasts and then her flat stomach.  _

 

_ It’s was incredible how good the quality on the video was, it almost felt like she was looking through a window. Either way, she was turned on and the spying thing felt taboo and a bit perverted. But Geneva wasn’t ashamed. Her own hands slowly trailed down and she unbuttoned her pants to easier get access. She was wet. She was burning.  _

 

_ Claire, of course, was oblivious and continued to wash her hair with shampoo. Geneva gripped and fondled her own breast and her other hand circulated down there, touching herself. Harder. Faster. _

 

_ When Geneva was right at the edge of her release, _ _ the bathroom door opened and Jamie walked inside. Geneva clenched her jaw as she had forgotten all about him. He quickly undressed and she hated him. Hated that she found him so damn attractive, too. _

 

_ Jamie walked into the shower. _

 

_ “Ye need some help?” He asked and Claire smiled in return. The audio was perfect. Geneva heard them as if she was standing in the room.  _

 

_ “I’m almost done.” Claire answered but handed him the soap either way.  _

 

_ Jamie took the soap and fell down on his knees. Geneva could only see his back but she was sure Jamie was smiling. She hated that he was in there doing what she wanted.  _

 

_ Claire closed her eyes, small sounds escaping her when Jamie went down on her. Geneva’s breath once again was heavy and she zoomed in on Claire face. She didn’t want to see Jamie, only her. She wanted to see - for the first time - how Claire looked as she climaxed. _

 

_ The sound of the water, along with, Claire’s face and moaning was enough for Geneva to come. She closed her eyes, riding out her orgasm and opened them just in time to see it.  _

 

_ “Jamie.” Claire said his name louder and louder again. “I’m coming..” _

 

_ “Come for me, Claire.” Geneva found herself saying out loud and stared intensely at the screen. Claire bit her lower lip and one last moan escaped her before she had the most beautiful face expression. A small evidence of pain and pleasure that turned into a wide grin  _ _ beneath  _ _ eyes closed. _

 

_ Geneva was panting, out of breath and licking her lips. Her hand that had been touching herself, the two fingers that still was wet from her own arousal came up to her mouth and she tasted herself  _ _ as she _ _ pretended it was Claire she was tasting.  _

 

-

 

Every day. Geneva spent hours watching the Fraser family. Listening to  _ everything _ they said. They never talked about her but Geneva was sure that it was because just the mention of her was too painful for Claire. It was the only explanation  that made sense.

 

Benji was great company, he had quit his job and moved into Geneva’s house. She continued to use him in every way  she can, including his body mostly - she was  still a woman with needs after all,  after all the pinning for Claire, left her utterly unsatisfied. 

 

She could be watching Claire and Jamie when they were making love and she hated how turned on she gets watching them - both of them. Her hands weren’t enough, so she would order Benji to sit down in the big leather chair and he would happily  oblige . He was strangely content with their relationship, she knew he was in love with her. She either rode him hard and vigorously while looking at Claire’s face or have Benji take her from behind -  it doesn’t matter  as long as she saw Claire when she climaxed. 

 

It became a routine. With the sound at full volume, Geneva always fucked Benji with the background sound of Claire’s moaning. She came every time in tune with Claire.

 

Geneva appreciated Benj  but he wasn’t who she wanted, he would never fill her needs, she would never love him. 

 

One rainy day, Geneva came up with a plan and she hired construction workers to transform her house into a exact replica of Claire and Jamie’s house. Exactly like their house - every room, even down to the furnitures. She wanted Claire to feel at home when she got there. She even bought the same toys in Ellen’s room as she too, of course, needed to feel at home. 

 

It was perfect. 

 

Geneva was getting her family back. Whatever the cost.

 

**2 August**

**Friday**

 

_ Geneva couldn’t believe it. She had been listening and what she heard was finally something she could use to her advantage. It was almost too much  _ _ and too easy. _

 

_ This John Grey and Tina. The bastards, she understood now, was the reason she got caught in the first place  _ _ and  _ _ was, _ _ now _ _ , hiding at Claire and Jamie’s house and hiding from a man called Stefano Donatello.  _

 

_ Revenge.  _

 

_ But that wasn’t even the best part. Claire and Jamie was having problems. Geneva had been struggling to come up with a plan to convince Claire to come back to her. How to break them up. But apparently, they were doing a perfectly good job doing that themselves. Reality was finally hitting them. Finally. _

 

_ It pained Geneva that Claire was hurting and she was furious when she heard Claire talking about her weight, her struggles with trying to look like her old self. In Geneva’s eyes, Claire was perfect. If she was hers, she would never have let her question herself like that.  _

 

_ Jamie. He was walking blindfolded - fucking men. Geneva was mostly angry with him. Jamie had the most precious gift and he  _ _ didn’t _ _ appreciated her enough. Geneva knew it was just matter of time before he exploded and ruined their relationship all by himself. She had been listening to his weak apologies.  _

 

_ And as predicted, Jamie did it. When he stormed out of Ellen’s birthday  _ _ and _ _ later came home,  _ _ telling _ _ Claire about them women had woken up with.  _

 

_ Broken trust. _

 

_ “What are you thinking?” Benji asked her. _

 

_ “It’s time.” _

 

_ “Time for what?”  _

 

_ “Claire is coming home.” _

 

_ “How are you going to get her here?” _

 

_ “Not sure yet. But look at her. She is crying all the time. This is not a healthy relationship.” _

 

_ Geneva looked at the screen. Claire was sitting in their living room. She had been visiting the women who Jamie was unsure if he had slept with them. _

 

_ Suddenly Jamie walked into the room. Geneva was sure they were breaking up now. Claire looked destroyed. They started talking and Geneva was so excited.  _

 

_ This was it. _

 

_ “You didn’t do it. I don’t know why they tried to lie and said that you did. Maybe that was their plan, to seduce you and have you cheating so Laoghaire, or that god forsaken Malva, could have you. I don’t know. I saw right through them. You didn’t sleep with them, Jamie.” _

 

_ No. _

 

_ No. _

 

_ No. _

 

_ “I’m sorry ye had to go there in the first place.” Jamie said and he looked pathetic. _

__  
_ “Me too.” _ __  
  


_ This was not what Geneva had believed would happened.  _

 

_ “I’m sorry that I have put us in this situation. I am sorry for my behavior. All of it. This is not who I am, it’s not who I want to be.” Jamie said and Geneva screamed out loud.  _

_  
_ _ “Its clear we have bigger issues than we thought and I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive this.” Claire said. _

 

_ Geneva wanted to drive over to Claire and beat a little sense into her beautiful little head. Jamie was bad for her. He was ruining her. Breaking her spirit.  _

 

_ “What now?” Benji asked and Geneva stared at the screen. _

 

_ “Plan B.” _

 

_ “What’s that?” Benji asked curiously. _

 

_ “We do this the hard way.”  _

 

_ Geneva walked out the room, leaving Benji alone in the surveillance room. She hadn’t really got a Plan  _ _ B _ _. She needed to figure out what to do now. But she was so tired, she had been watching nonstop for hours, too eager to find out what they were doing. Hoping  _ _ to find her - and their - break _ _. _

 

_ Geneva wanted Claire to come with her voluntarily but it was clear that Claire was too blind for her own good. She needed to help her, with force if necessary.  _

 

_ It was all too much.  _

 

**2.43PM**

 

_ “Geneva.” Benji was shaking her and it took a second for her to wake up. _

 

_ “What?” She answered irritated. _

 

_ “They found the cameras?” Benji said. “John Grey is telling Jamie right now.” _

 

_ No. No. No. _

 

_ Geneva was awake now. She ran from her bedroom into the surveillance room.  _

 

_ Camera 3 - The kitchen.  _

 

_ “Someone is watching you.” John said and Geneva screamed again.  _

 

_ Stupid. _

 

_ Geneva had been so obsessed with Claire that she hadn’t paid any attention to John Grey and Tina.  _

 

_ I am so stupid. Fuck.  _

 

_ Geneva watched Jamie run up the stairs. Camera 6. Claire was in the bathroom.  _

 

_ Busted. _

 

_ Benji and Geneva watched the screen’s as one by one was turning black. They had found each and every one. Except for the hidden microphones.  _

 

_ Thank God. _

 

_ Geneva couldn’t see them but she could hear them. She started laughing when Jamie gave her the ultimate weapon. _

 

_ “Whoever this person is, he,she, or they have watched us for days, even weeks. They have footage of Tina and John here, in our house. That’s evidence that can be used against us. Christ, who knows, maybe they are still listening.” _

 

_ Thank you Jamie. _

 

_ Geneva could definitely use that. She even had more than one option. Track down this Stefano Donatello, have him slaughter everyone - except for Ellen and Claire. _

 

_ Or _

 

_ Convince Claire to voluntarily come home with her. Threatening with the information and the videos evidence of them harboring criminals. Geneva wanted Jamie to suffer but he wasn’t going to do that if he was dead. If she could get Claire to leave him, he would suffer far more. That would ruin him.  _ _ Yes, that plan sounded much better. _

  
  


**4 August**

**Sunday.**

 

**8.24PM**

 

Even if all of the cameras was down. Geneva was feeling pretty good. They still had the microphone in the kitchen, which gave her some updates. Apparently John Grey and Tina were staying a bit longer. Jamie had given them one more day but Claire managed to convince him to let them stay one week. Excellent. Just excellent.

 

From what Geneva heard, Claire and Jamie’s relationship was still in jeopardy. They had been eating dinner earlier and discussed couples therapy again. Claire had gotten an appointment for them on the sixth, Tuesday.

 

Geneva was sipping on her tee, headphones on - listening. Someone was in the kitchen, she wasn’t sure who. Benji walked into the room and she took out one of the earplugs.

 

“Jessica.” Benji looked at her. “What will happen to me when Claire gets here?”

 

“Benji, love. You can call me Geneva when we are home. And what do you mean? What is going to happen?”

 

“I know you don’t love me as much as you love her.”

 

“I love you.” Geneva said convincingly. “I still want you to stay. You know that.”

 

“What’s my part in this?”

 

“You are my family as well. Benji, you have proven yourself worthy, in every single way and you are the only one I trust..”

 

“Really?” Benji smiled. He was attractive, even if half his face was ruined with scars and burns. He was beautiful. He wasn’t her Claire, but Geneva needed him. As long as he was needed, she would make sure he stayed. “I would die for you, Geneva. I hope you know that.”

 

“I know.”

 

Geneva pointed at him with her finger, motioning him to come closer. Benji walked over to her and she got up from the chair. He was tall, not as tall as Jamie but she still needed to stand on her toes to kiss him. 

 

“Benji, I need you to do something for me.” Geneva’s index finger slowly tracing the long scar on his face. 

 

“Anything.” Benji quickly replied and bent down to kiss her again.

 

“I need you to get a real police officer uniform.”

 

“Why?”

 

“It’s part of the plan. You see, Jamie starts work tomorrow. Claire still doesn’t remember any of his coworkers, so I want you to impose as a police officer, convince her to come with you.”

 

“But John and Tina? They will see me.”

 

“No, Claire will warn them, they will be hiding. Remember, they are fugitives on the run.”

 

“What if Jamie has someone surveillance the house? You said he did that in New York.”

 

Geneva sighed, Benji was pretty but stupid.

 

“Jamie won’t risk it. Every cop in Scotland knows that John Grey is here. Jamie wouldn’t risk anyone seeing John in his house.”

 

“Right.” Benji said. “When are we doing this?”

 

“Get that uniform first but this week before John leaves.”

 

Geneva had this all planned out. But just in case, she had done a bit investigation herself and found Stefano Donatello. She hadn’t called him, not yet  anyway .

 

The preparations for Claire’s transfer - a welcome home party - was in finally in motion. In a few hours, Mr. Franklin was coming back, he was going to install something incredible. It had been Benji’s idea. Barricade every window with thick steel and installing monitors/displays in  the front, give them the illusion of normality with pre-recorded montage of outside images. It was going to cost a fortune, Geneva had so many windows but it was worth it. 

 

Geneva wasn’t stupid, she knew Claire would be upset at first. She didn’t doubt that there was love between Jamie and her, she wasn’t ignorant. But in time, Claire should would see that theirs were bigger, greater and that she only did this out of love. The barricades was just a precaution to make sure nobody  leaves . 

 

In time, when it was safe, the three of them would move. Somewhere where Jamie wouldn’t find them. Hopefully he wouldn’t be alive to even try. Geneva hated Scotland, it was so depressing with the rain and cold. She hoped Claire would agree to move somewhere warmer. The Caribbean? Maybe Barbados or Jamaica?

 

Yes, her plan would work. Have Benji get Claire and Ellen. Leave a note behind. To make sure Jamie believes Claire left him. 

 

The note was already written:

 

**_Jamie_ **

**_I can’t forgive you. What you did was unforgivable._ **

**_I’m taking my daughter. Don’t look for us. We want nothing to do with you._ **

**_Claire Beauchamp_ **

 

It was  simple,  perfect  and brilliant. 

 

“And now we wait.” Geneva said and took Benji's hand and kissed it. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, leave a comment. Been feeling a bit discourage, scared that I lost you all with LaigMalva-gate


	9. Case 407

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love every single one of you who are reading this story. Thank you. Xoxo

**Monday**

 

**05.21AM**

 

I was so tired and not at all in the mood to start working again. 

 

My job had always been my passion but now, it felt like it was fading day by day. I’m not sure if it’s the profession itself, or just me. Since New York, I just have been feeling useless. I once was called  _ hero _ , and now  it’s just a word  in the vocabulary ,  and it’s meaning wasn’t what I believed I was anymore. I had always been good in separating my work life with my personal life but now everything was different - I had a family. Everything was revolving  around Claire and Ellen. I couldn’t think of anything else. I took a sip of my coffee  which tasted terrible and even that reminded me of my uselessness. 

 

I could have solved Lisa’s case if I hadn’t been so broken and blind and Jeremy would still be alive. Maybe it was time for me to face the truth - I wasn’t the best anymore. I was worn out at thirty years old. Yikes, that was depressing. 

 

All of it is slightly depressing. How my life had turned out,  there wasn’t anyone to blame except for myself.  Also, if things were different with Claire, maybe, I wouldn’t be feeling like this. 

 

Such a tragedy how my life had gone from having the most perfect summer to this depressing fall. We had been fine, everything had been okay, and now everything was falling apart. Shattered.

 

I was strongly debating to become,  _ Big Red _ again.  An alter ego I had created before, he was cold, mean but he would do his job, stay focused and maybe even try solve whatever case  he was going to be assigned today.

 

“Hi.” Claire walked into the kitchen wearing her dark purple robe,  it was  loosely hanging. Her presence surprised me. She wasn’t a morning person. 

 

“Hey.” 

 

“Are you leaving soon?” Claire asked and poured herself a cup of coffee. She took a sip and made the same facial expression I had done but she didn’t complain out loud. She was sweet like that.

 

“In twenty minutes.” I answered as she sat down in the chair next to me. Her being here made me feel a bit better but I still wondered why she was. “Why are ye awake?”

 

“It’s your first day. I set the alarm to get a chance to talk before you left.”

 

“Ye did?”

 

“Aye. Dinna want ye to be alone.” Her Scottish accent was even worse than Mel Gibson’s accent in Braveheart. But she was still adorable and I loved that she had set a alarm and see me off in my first day of work . I loved that she was here, it made me smile.

 

“I’m just not sure if I can do it.” I said and took another sip of the foul and bitter tasting coffee.  I’ve always been open and vulnerable to Claire - both in the past and in the present. It’s one of the things I love most about our relationship - that I can open up myself to her, the good and the bad, and I know she’ll take it in her and hold a little burden for me as I do her, without pretense nor judgement. It’s simply pouring your truth and heart out and it certainly makes life easier.

 

“Do what?” Claire looked at me puzzled. 

 

“Be a detective.” I answered. “I don’t know if I still have it in me.”

 

“Did the drugs damage your brain?” Claire asked and my eyes widened - huge - with shock. Was she joking now? Was she really making jokes?

 

“Erm.”  I stammered, unsure how to reply.

 

“You know there is a secret rule - one brain damage per family.” Claire waved her hand in the air. “That job is already taken.”

 

Claire smiled and I wasn’t sure what was happening but I couldn’t control the laugh that escaped me. Damn, it felt so liberating and free to laugh.

 

“Don’t doubt yourself, Jamie.” Claire took my hand, intertwined it with mine and I quickly took our joint hands up to my mouth  for a kiss. It took me a second before I remembered the rules, that I was overstepping and I let go of her hand. Claire looked at me, with the same disappointing look I had, neither of us was very good at this.

 

“I’m sorry.” I said and sighed. “What were ye saying?”

 

“Don’t doubt yourself. Be brave. Be  _ you _ .” Claire simply said. “This is a adjustment, but you are a good policeman, an excellent detective.”

 

“I love ye.” 

 

_ Loving you is like taking a dip in the freezing cold water in a hot summer day. Loving you hurt so good.  _

 

Claire inhaled loudly through her nose and released a deep breath. Was it that hard to say it back? Or was it like if was for me - relief - like it was easier to breathe. 

 

“I love you, too.”

 

Not sure what was happening, but the tension between us didn’t feel as strained as in the previous days \- not like yesterday and the day before that. I looked at her, trying to figure out what was different. She even looked different. Glowing with love for me. 

 

“What?” Claire asked. “Are you wondering why I’m being nice?”

 

“Well, that’s  _ exactly _ what I was wondering.”

 

“Let’s say I had an epiphany last night.”

 

“Aye? Do tell.”

 

“Later.” Claire said, making me more confused but also intrigued.

 

“Should I be worried?”

 

“No, just don’t get killed on your first day and you will be fine.”

 

My phone pinged breaking the moment between us.

 

**Angus**

_ Outside. _

 

“I need to go.” I put my phone back in my pocket. “Angus is here.”

 

“I’ll walk you to the door.” Claire surprised me yet again and I smiled in response.

 

We walked the short distance from the kitchen to the front door in silence, a comfortable silent. I put on my shoes, doing a sloppy knot with the shoelaces and took a quick look in the mirror. As usual, I had my long, red hair back in a bun, maybe it’s time to cut it, it was shoulder long now. Longer than I’m used to but Claire always loved it. Maybe I just leave it?

 

“Here, let me just...” Claire stepped in front of me and buttoned the button I had missed on my navy dark blue shirt. I was actually grateful that I wasn’t a police officer, I hated that uniform. My casual clothing as a detective was better. 

 

I looked down on Claire as she was stroking my shirt, straightening it out, making me look respectable. Her hands on me was encouraging and I felt as she said - braver. 

 

_ Be brave. Be you. _

 

“Don’t forget that I love you.” Claire said the same goodbye she always said before the accident. 

 

“Never.”

 

Standing so close, the tension was unbearable. Claire looked at me with such tenderness and I wanted to wrap her into my arms and hold her tight. But I didn’t. We sighed simultaneously, making us both laugh,  albeit , a bit awkwardly.

 

“Alright, detective. Time to go.” Claire broke the silence but she didn’t back away. Neither did I.

 

The unknowing -  whether to touch or not touch -  was making me confused but Claire answered it. Her hands came up to caress my cheek tenderly and I leaned into her palm,  desperate to feel the feel of her against me . 

 

“Am I enough?” Claire asked and I smiled, she was silly that way,  like she even needed to ask. But after all the arguments, the fighting, I, at least, understood why. 

 

I knew the rules, but there weren’t words to answer that. I leaned my head to the side, shaking it and smiling in disbelief. I leaned down and kissed her hard with everything I had in me.  I poured  every ounce of love I had for that woman in that kiss. It was long and  when we broke apart,  left us both breathless with our foreheads leaning against each other. 

 

“Always.” I replied.

 

Eyes locked, Claire gave me a reassuring look, silently telling me everything was going to be alright and I hope my kiss was answer enough.

 

I walked out from my house with a new energy, feeling lighter, and more motivated. All I need was Claire’s love. She was the fuel to make me move forward.

 

**5.59AM**

 

Back at the same police station were I started my carrier wasn’t as bad as I thought. I was greeted with love and respect from my old coworkers and also the new. It was the normalization I needed, the familiar faces and the friendly conversations. I wasn’t Big Red, who people had feared in New York but James Fraser. Not the local hero, but a beloved friend. Me.

 

I had a new desk  and being seated  next to Angus, it felt good, even perfect. I was home and I was back where I belonged. It turned out that my biggest enemy was myself. All self doubting and questioning myself was all for nothing

  
  


I was even surprised that my new boss, Alec, was “pleasant” when I met him. He handed me a lighter assignment, giving me a slow start to allow me and Angus chance to figure out our partnership. But  the case only reminded me of Lisa Rollins. 

 

**Case 407**

Victim: Camille Green

Age: 28

Nationality:  English

Other: Caucasian, brunette, blue eyes.

 

**Homicide**

Victim found dead in a hotel room. Strangled to death. Fully clothed. Passport and suitcase still in the room. 

 

——

 

I was relieved that it wasn’t anything revolving John Grey but after reading the case file I didn’t think it was a “light” case at all. 

 

“Shall we go?” Angus asked me, he was [already up to speed with this case and ready to get down to business.

  
  


“I’m driving.” I smiled, watching my friend with one eyebrow up in question - waiting. Angus rolled his eyes and handed me the keys. 

 

_ Ready. Set. Investigate. _

 

**6.32AM**

 

Standing outside the small hotel  called the Blue Horn, I noticed I had missed a text message from Claire.

 

**Claire**

_ I have rescheduled my doctors appointment. 10am today.  _

 

That reminded my that we had couples counseling tomorrow. That’s probably why Claire moved her appointment  to today so they didn’t crish. I quickly replied.

 

**Jamie**

_ Do you need help with Ellen? _

 

**Claire**

_ It’s fine. Joe said I could bring her. How is first day back? <3 _

 

I smiled looking at the heart emoji and replied.

 

**Jamie**

_ It’s all good. Better than expected. Call me if you need help. Gotta catch the bad guys now. _

 

**Claire**

_ You forgot your cape at home.  _

  
  


I must have looked like an idiot as Claire's message made me smile like never before. I wasn’t sure where her good mood was coming from but I didn’t care, my warm and loving wife was back. 

 

_ It will be alright. _

 

We walked into the hotel and talked to the receptionist, a sweet old lady called Mrs. Glenna FitzGibbons. She had been the one who found the body.

 

“We need all the footage from last night and a record of all yer guests and visitors” Angus said, leaning against the high reception desk. I took the opportunity and looked around the area up to the the ceiling. The corridors leading from the entry to the elevator only had one camera and it was facing the exit.

 

“Who worked the night shift?” I asked, interrupting Mrs. FitzGibbons in her search for the surveillance footage.

 

“That was me.” Mrs.FitzGibbons answered sadly and sighed. 

 

“And ye sat here all night? Was there anyone who wasn’t staying here who came in?”

 

“Aye. I sat here all night. There was no one. But...”

 

I looked at her, waiting for her to continue.

 

“I was tired and I closed my eyes for just a second.” Mrs. FitzGibbons looked ashamed. 

 

“Around what time?” Angus asked.

 

“Between 11PM-1AM. I canna say if anyone unauthorized walked by.”

 

“But you were the one who found the victim?” I asked. “Ye called the police.”

 

“Aye, I called. There was a man, Charles Hugo, his room was next to Miss Green and he came down, complaining about disturbance. That he heard a woman screaming and that’s when I went to check. I knocked but nobody answered. So I walked in and found her in the bathroom.”

 

“So ye woke up when Mr. Hugo came down?”

 

“Aye, I’m so sorry.” The old lady started crying. 

 

Angus and I looked at each other. It was our first day as partners, we had a long friendship behind us, giving us the opportunity to understand and know each other’s facial expressions. There was something that wasn’t right. We both felt it. Mrs FitzGibbons cries felt off, too sudden. 

 

_ It something she isn’t telling us. _

 

“Can ye take us to Camille Green’s room?”

 

Mrs. FitzGibbons led the way to the third floor and then gave us the key to the hotel room were Camille had been found - Room 341. The door was already marked out with police band, “Crime Scene. Do not enter.“,  and Angus and I slipped under it and entered the room.

 

Camille's body had already been shipped to the coroner, for autopsy  for examination . I walked into the bathroom where she had been found a few hours before with Angus trailing behind me. The forensic team was in the other room packing up their equipment to leave. They had been taking evidence and pictures while we were downstairs talking to Mrs. FitzGibbons.

 

“The lass fought for her life last night, that’s for sure.” I stated to Angus, the curtain next to the bathtub was ripped, shampoo and soap laid spread all around on the white tile floor. 

 

_ Blood on the sink. _ I memorized to myself.

 

“We need to check if she hit her head or if this is the attackers blood.”

 

“I’ll call the coroner and ask if Camille has as a matching wound.” Angus replied , stood a few feet away and made the call . Outside the station, Angus Mhor was the funny guy, either making inappropriate jokes or doing something to make everyone laugh. But this Angus, the policeman?  He was taking it seriously, doing his job very professionally .  _ Yes _ , Jamie thought,  this partnership would work. I was impressed and proud at the same time. 

 

I walked out the bathroom and looked around the small  space .  There was a conference going on this week. I need to find out if Camille Green was here for business or pleasure.

. 

 

**09:48AM**

**Claire**

 

“How have you been feeling lately?” Dr. Joe Abernathy, her friend and old co-worker asked.

 

“Since last week?” Claire asked  back with Ellen sitting in her lap as she was busy playing with Joe’s stethoscope, the perfect distraction.

 

“Yes.”

 

“My headaches are getting worse...” Claire answered truthfully but she hesitated if she should tell Joe about everything happening with Jamie. 

 

“Have you done anything different?” Joe always asked the same question, being a doctor first, always following protocol before he was her friend again.

 

“I’m fighting with Jamie, our worst fight.  Well,  that I can remember anyway...” Claire decided to tell him and added a little amnesia humor. 

 

“Do you think the fighting is what is causing the headaches?” Joe looked concerned but  even with the joke, he  still  wasn’t her friend right now. She would tell him all the details later.

 

“It can be.. but it’s not only  the  headache, Joe. I’m nauseous all the time, my body feels strange, my neck is killing me and I’m  always so tired. Maybe our fight is draining me but I just feel different.  And considering my current status,  I’m just fearing the worst.”

 

_ An aneurysm. _

 

_ A ruptured brain aneurysm _

 

_ Or hemorrhagic stroke. _

 

_ Something _ _ Life-threatening _

 

“What are you thinking, Claire?” Joe asked her. Claire wasn’t qualified to work as a doctor but she knew things, 

 

“Ruptured aneurysm is my first hunch .”Claire answered, she was sure. She had all the symptoms - she was dizzy, nauseous and she wasn’t feeling like herself. That was the only answer.

 

Joe looked at her but he didn’t argue nor question it. He walked over to hear and put up his little flashlight, brought it to her face and checked her eyes.

 

“No dilated pupils, no drooping eyelid.” Joe said to himself. He put the flashlight away and started touching her face. “Any changes in vision? Numbness?”

 

“No.”

 

“You said you vomited?”

 

“Yes, more than once.”

 

“Once an aneurysm has ruptured, it may result in a painful headache.”  Joe recalled.

 

“I had a headache..” 

 

“On a scale  of 1-10 , how  painful was it?”

 

“Maybe five?”

 

“ If it’s an aneurysm,  the pain is usually sudden and severe. Nausea and vomiting may occur. It’s so painful you lose consciousness. Did you do that?”

 

“No...”

 

“I don’t know what to tell you but like I said, you are fine.”

 

“I’m not fine.” Claire shouted. “Something is wrong.”

 

“The scans came out clear last week. We have done everything we can..”

 

“You are the worst doctor.”

 

“And you are the worst patient.” Joe only smiled at her. “Doctors often are.”

 

“Then what’s wrong? Why am I feeling like this?”

 

_ I am sure I am I dying. _

  
  


**10:21AM**

 

Back at the station, I went over the footage we received from Mrs. FitzGibbons. With the hotel guests and the visitors list in front of me, I could easily rule out five out  of six persons who had been wandering the halls  that time . The only one person that I couldn’t identify was, of course, the man who walked out from Camille's room. He was smart - the man wore a cap and hid his face and angled it just right not to be caught on camera. 

 

I looked at the paused image of the man. He was tall, maybe 6’2, with a blue cap on. I couldn’t tell what his hair color was.  _ Easy case, my ass. _

 

“Ye been staring at that picture for awhile now.” Angus said.

 

“Aye. I have been trying to watch it in slow motion and in every  other way but the bastard turns his head  everytime . It’s like he knows exactly where the cameras are.”

 

“Camille Green wasn’t here on business.” Angus said. 

 

“How do ye know that?”

 

“I called her work. Tracy, her supervisor, said that Camille quit a few weeks ago and I can’t  find any other  or new employment.”

 

“Did she say why Camille quit?”

 

“No,  she said everyone at the office had been surprised by her sudden resignation.”

 

“Have ye called her family?”

 

“Aye, her mother Lena is coming tomorrow to confirm her daughter’s identity.”

 

“No boyfriend? Husband?

 

“No, that’s according to her mother anyway.”

 

“So, Camille was here on vacation. Maybe having a midlife crisis?”

 

“Not sure why ye would go to Scotland if yer having a crisis.” Angus answered, joking. “The weather here is not the brightest nor warmest..”

 

“What we know is that this man was invited inside Camille’s room...” I pointed to the screen. “We know after watching the video that he knocked and Camille opened  her door and  let him in. No one entered her room after he left and with Charles Hugo’s testimony, we know the screams he heard matched the time when the man left Camille’s room. We need to find out who he is.”

 

**11:23AM**

 

After Claire left the hospital, she strolled around town with Ellen sleeping in the stroller. Her daughters slumber gave her time to wander in silence, time to try grasp everything again. She had been sure she was dying. So sure.

 

Claire walked by a bookstore and suddenly stopped. She hadn’t paid attention where she was walking and now, she found herself outside the same bookstore Jamie had talked about.  The place  where they met, or in a manner of speaking, where Jamie followed her and later on asked her out. 

 

Claire wasn’t sure how many times Jamie had told her about that day but she loved hearing it every single time.  She had wanted to go see it when they arrived back in Scotland  but fear was what had kept her from visiting.  Claire was  afraid that she wouldn’t feel anything if she walked inside.

 

This bookstore had been a place she romanticized - where fate brought them together. Even if it was Jamie’s decision to walk inside,  them ending up together was inevitable. They were destined to meet. If not here, somewhere else. New York proved as much - they would always find each other. 

 

For  a few minutes, Claire just stood outside, hesitating  and debating with herself until she pushed the door open and rolled the stroller inside. The store smelled familiar, but doesn’t all book store smell the same? She thought to herself. 

 

“Hi.” A woman approached her. “Can I help ye? Are ye looking for something specific?”

 

“No, thank you, just looking.” Claire answered politely, looking around to see if she felt  or remembered anything. 

 

“Just let me know if you change your mind.”

 

The woman started walking away  when Claire changed her mind.

 

“Wait, I’m actually looking for a book.”

 

“Which one?”

 

“Don’t know the author but the title is - My First Period and What To Do.”

 

“Yeah, we have a few different ones, come with me.”

 

They walked further into the store and the woman stopped by one of bookshelves. 

 

“We have three different books with that name. Do you know which of them ye were looking for?”

 

“No, let me see.” Claire looked at the books. They were all in different colors but had the same title. She sighed, she didn’t know - didn’t remember - which was the right one.

 

“If there is anything else, come find me.” The woman excused herself, leaving Claire to stare at the books.

 

_ Red, blue or pink? _

 

Claire couldn’t call Jamie  and  she didn’t want to. She took the blue one from its place and she felt nothing. 

 

Then she took the pink one. When she looked at it, it was as if she got a premonition, an electric shock and then a memory flashing before her eyes. 

 

_ Christmas three. Stethoscope. Jamie. Frank Sinatra. The pink book.  _

 

Claire hands were shaking, almost dropping the book  on the floor . She closed her eyes to compose herself as it was always a strange tingling feeling afterwards when she remembered something. An explosion of emotions, leaving her richer  and feeling more loved.

 

Jamie hadn’t told her about this day - their first Christmas. Claire was sure she just remembered it. Clutching the book hard against her chest, she started to silently cry as to not wake Ellen. 

 

_ Where is it now? _

 

She wore the stethoscope Jamie gave her with pride everyday at work. She remembered wearing it and looking at the engraved name - Dr. Claire Fraser - as a reminder, that she one day would become one -  a doctor and a  _ Fraser _ . 

 

The book, it would be a fitting present - again. 

 

In a time where everything felt hard, Claire found yet another comfort, one more memory that just made her love Jamie more. But  more than memories with Jamie, it also brought out so much more. The more she looked into the innermost place inside her, the deeper she went, she saw Julia and Henry Beauchamp. Her parents.

 

One more missing puzzle piece.

 

_ I am Claire Fraser. My parents died when I was twelve years old. Their deaths are not my fault.  _

 

Claire said it in her head, like she probably had done millions of times before today. But she hadn’t remembered it until now. The mantra Mary Hawkins told her to say when they met each other in the support group. 

 

_ What is happening? _

 

It didn’t stop. One more memory flashed before her eyes.

 

**25 December  2012**

 

_ “Even when you are in the darkest of darkness, in the empty space filled with pain, when you feel you can’t continue. Promise me, Jamie, that you always will fight your way back to me.” Claire whispered.  _

 

_ They were laying in bed and Claire wasn’t sure if Jamie was even still awake. But after their night, after everything Jamie told her about his family and how terrible he was feeling, she needed to say it  _ _ and _ _ she needed to hear him promise. _

 

_ “Always.” Jamie whispered back. _

 

_ “Even if I have accepted that they died.” Claire continued whispering in the dark. It was easy trying to hold your head high when you did it for the purposes of trying to make someone else feel better. She had talked about moving on and remembering your loved ones but she still struggled with it all and it was important that Jamie knew that too. “I still cry when I listen to Christmas carols and I hate the Grinch movie because it was my mom's favorite. ” _

 

_ “Thank ye for telling me” _

 

_ Silence. _

 

_ “I need you to be there. Always..” _

 

_ “I promise.” _

 

_ “When I’m in that dark place...” _

 

_ “I will always find ye.” Jamie interrupted me. _

 

_ - _

 

Claire remember how she felt that night - safe and loved. How two broken souls became one whole. 

 

_ Always. _

 

Just this morning, Claire had set an early alarm just to say goodbye. Not only because it was Jamie’s first day at work but because she truly believed she was dying. She had been thinking about it all night and decided that nothing was worth arguing about if she was dying. The epiphany - the realization - was that she wanted to be with him every second she had left and to not waste her last days, weeks, on arguments. 

 

But that wasn’t the case, she wasn’t dying. Quite the opposite, she was filled with life.

  
  


**8:27PM**

 

The whole day had been filled with boring paperwork. Scotland Police wasn’t NYPD, they didn’t have the same reinforcements and things went slower. Maybe if we had someone like Tina, things would gone in a different way - more effective.

 

This was the first time I came home from work that I didn’t care to continue my work, even if I  knew I  should. I was dying to be with my family. God, how I had missed my little daughter.

 

But when I closed my front door, I remembered that it was past Ellen’s bedtime. Would I miss her  _ every _ day? Leave before she woke up and come home when she’s asleep? Miss everything?  It was an unsettling thought that I pushed faraway in my mind. What I focused on was feeling grateful that I even have her in my life. 

 

I, at least, had thought Claire would be awake but nobody was downstairs. John and Tina always hid in their room but Claire used to watch her tv shows at this time. I was disappointed walked into the kitchen. They had put a plate filled with food for me in the fridge. But I didn’t want to eat alone. This all just reminded me of my old life in New York. 

 

I skipped dinner and walked upstairs. 

 

I walked directly into my room - the guest room. As I unbuttoned my shirt I saw a little note laying on my bed.

 

**_Your cape is your room. Come get it. / C_ **

 

_ What is going on. _

 

I smiled looking at the note and took it with me. It was so stupid but I actually had butterflies when I walked down the short distance to my bedroom. 

 

“Claire?” I said her name low, if she maybe had fallen asleep. 

 

But she wasn’t. 

 

“What’s going on?” I asked, my grin so wide I thought my face would crack. I was finally invited back to my bedroom. I hoped.

 

“Come and sit down.” Claire patted her hand on the bed, on my side of the bed.

 

_ What’s she up to? _

 

“I need to tell you something.” 

 

“Alright.” I answered and felt a bit confused with it all, but I sat down next to her and waited to hear whatever she had to tell me. 

 

“You know I had my doctors appointment today.” 

 

“Aye.” I don’t know why, but my blood turned to ice, I had forgotten all about her appointment and Claire’s tone of voice made me uncomfortable and stressed. 

 

“My scans were fine last week and that was  _ supposed _ to be my  _ last _ appointment with Joe.”

 

_ Was it? _

 

“Ye never said it was yer last?”

 

“No I know. But I’m stubborn, you know me. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want it to be. It meant we, I was giving up. Like I was accepting that I was a lost cause. That I was unfixable with a broken brain..”

 

“So what happened? Why did ye go there today?”

 

I feared the worst. Was that why she was nice this morning? What’s wrong? I couldn’t take it. I completely lost it and reached out to take her hand.

 

“Claire Fraser.” I said with a serious tone, holding her hand. “Ye tell me right now!”

 

“I went to see Joe because I thought I was dying. I have been feeling sick, just these two past days have been exhausting, at first I thought it was because, you know, everything happening between us. That I was stressed.” Claire sounded calm. “ But then I started feeling ill, vomiting, headaches and dizziness, all the symptoms for a ruptured aneurysm, so I called Joe this morning hoping to get to do another PET scan.”

 

_ What? _

 

_ No. _

 

_ No. _

 

_ No. _

 

“Are ye..?” I whispered but my voice betrayed me, I couldn’t get to word out - the word  _ dying _ . It was unbearable to say out loud. “What did the scans say?”

 

“It’s turned out that I didn’t need a PET scan but an ultrasound...”

 

I didn’t understand anything, not a thing. I’m not a doctor, but I was married to one and I had never heard about taking an ultrasound to look at the brain. It didn’t make sense. I felt how I started drifting into some kind of shock, nothing made sense and I feared the worst. Claire’s voice sounded miles away and I tried to refocus.

 

“Maybe this will make it clearer.” Claire suddenly turned around and opened her nightstand, pulling out something. She handed me flat, colorful wrapped present and I took it. Just looking at it, then back at her. I didn’t understand anything, the shook made me lose all compression.

 

Silence.

 

“Just tell me…” I wasn’t sure why she was dragging it out and I felt frustrated and so scared. 

 

“Open it.”

 

“Claire..”

 

I didn’t want to open it, it’s content could be the very end of me. It felt like my body was being ripped apart, limb to limb. Shred by shred. I started to feel lightheaded. 

 

“I promise, it’s alright. Just open the present, Jamie.”

 

_ Alright… _

 

I shook my head and started unwrapping the paper. The book caught me off guard.

 

**_My First Period and What To Do._ **

 

I had so many questions but I still didn’t get it.

 

“Just tell me, Claire, I canna…”

 

“Please. Open it.” 

 

I sighed and did as Claire said. My hand shaking as I opened it and I was surprised to see Claire’s handwriting in black inc. I held my breath and started reading it.

 

———-

 

**_13 April - 2012_ **

**_First Date._ **

**_The first time you held this stupid book. When we met in the bookstore._ **

 

**_25 December- 2012_ **

**_First Christmas._ **

**_The second time you held this stupid book. When we celebrated our first Christmas together. All those hours we spent opening up to each other._ **

 

**_3 August- 2019_ **

**_This is the third time you are holding this stupid book. I’m not sure how many more times I’m going to buy it. But this is the first time you are holding it as a father. With one daughter laying securely in her room and with a second baby laying securely…_ **

 

**_Look up Jamie._ **

 

**_———_ **

 

_ Second? _

 

I looked up, so very confused and looked at Claire, she was holding a photo, an ultrasound picture.

 

“I wasn’t sick.” Claire smiled. “I am pregnant.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	10. Fears

I love Claire - she is the love of my life \- and that was an absolute fact. But the love you feel for your child is indescribable. The love I felt for Ellen was different - undying, unstoppable in its sheer amount of purity. The love you feel for your child is beyond every other love. 

 

Even if I love Ellen beyond all measure , her existence would always remind of the things I missed  and lost . All the important things that came with her magical entrench into the world - the pregnancy. I hadn’t been there for the excitement with ultrasounds, watching Claire grow bigger each day, nor the delivery.

 

Nothing could compare  for what I felt for my beautiful, first born daughter. I thought my heart was full, but now, something shifted, something I thought was absolutely impossible  to  happen - I felt my heart grew three times bigger, giving space and a place for my second child. 

 

_ Claire was pregnant.  _

 

I heard Claire say it but in the state  of emotional shock I was in, it took me a few seconds, or even minutes, to react. 

 

_ Claire is pregnant.  _

 

_ Not dying.  _

 

_ Pregnant. _

 

I repeated it in my head.

 

“Jamie.”  Claire started climbing the bed, crawling closer and finally, sat down on her knees in front of me . I hadn’t said a word. I couldn’t speak even if I wanted to. She took the book away and replaced it with that little black and white ultrasound picture in my hand.

 

I still didn’t say anything but I looked down on it. It didn’t look like a baby. But it was my child -  our child -  growing each second. 

 

“I thought ye were dying..” My voice was hoarse like I had been screaming.  I was  still looking at down at the photo  as I couldn’t take my eyes of a miracle. 

 

“I’m so sorry I scared you. I thought you understood when I said I needed an ultrasound.”

 

Of course, she did. How could she have believed otherwise. She wasn’t in my head, she didn’t hear my panicking thoughts nor the prayers I  have said.

 

“Are ye truly not dying..” 

 

“I’m not. I’m  actually very full of life.”  She said, smirking, as she placed one hand on her stomach. 

 

I looked at her, then. Claire was indeed looking full of life -  _ glowing _ \- just like I had thought this morning. 

 

“We are having a baby?” It came out like a question, just one last confirmation. Claire smiled and nodded.

 

_ Thank God. _

 

My emotions were all over the place - My body couldn’t still really comprehend  it all but I drew Claire closer until she sat fully in my lap,  her legs wrapped around my waist . I held her tight and hard  against me and she leaned her head down and rested it on my shoulder. 

 

I must have cried loudly when I buried my head into her chest  as  my hand still held the ultrasound, because Claire suddenly sat upright,  pulled back from my embrace and forced me to look at her. I saw her through blurred eyes and my hands was still shaking something terrible.

 

“I’m  _ okay _ .” Claire knew me all too well. “Jamie, everything will be  _ okay.  _ You hear me?”

 

I heard her. I believed her. 

 

I was still speechless from what has transpired in these few, very precious minutes. I wanted to tell Claire how much happiness was slowly spreading throughout my body ]

 

I wanted to tell her  how much I loved her. 

 

I did was knew I knew was best, I expressed my love] silently with my body. I placed the ultrasound on my nightstand and turned back, slowly leaned in and kissed Claire. I was careful, scared she might break, scared she’ll turn away she kissed me back softly. 

 

I opened her robe, snuck my hands inside, and touch her soft and warm skin. My hands slowly roamed over her back, and pressing her closer to me. 

 

“Jamie...” Claire whispered . “Talk to me.”

 

I shook my head  in silence and closed my eyes, then kissed her again, trying to explain with my lips what I couldn’t speak. 

 

_ I needed her. _

 

_ I loved her. _

 

“Can you at least look at me?” Claire asked softly and when I did, she took her robe off and sat completely naked in my lap. 

 

“Don’t stop looking...” Claire continued talking even if I didn’t speak. I did look  even though there wasn’t any clear evidence of a pregnancy yet on her flat stomach.  However, there was still  the old stretch mark that had been fading for awhile, the pinkish stripes shining contrast next to her white porcelain skin, and on second thought, I thought,  her  stomach was a little puffier. 

 

_ Beautiful. _

 

“Touch me, Jamie. I won’t break.”

 

I touched her then, first, letting my hand rest on top of her stomach. I closed my eyes again, in awe that life had once more granted me such a wonderful gift. 

 

“Don’t hide, please look at me.”

 

On her request, I opened them and tears rapidly began to fall. I slowly turned my head up to look at Claire and her eyes told me she was worried. She reached out and and placed a hand on my cheek, a silent question she asked. At the contact, I tried to say her name but nothing came out. Instead, I kissed her palm while mine still lay on her stomach, warmth radiating from our skin, bringing us back together.

 

“Jamie.” The way she said my name sent a shiver down my spine. It is so raw and so emotionally filled. She loves me. I knew that she did .

 

“I love ye, Claire, so much.”  It was the only thing I could say that could come close to encompass everything I felt for her.

 

“Are you happy?”  she asked a little nervously. 

 

I wanted to scream from the rooftops how happy I was but all that came out were more tears. 

 

“Jamie, please talk to me.”

 

“I have lived a life without you and everything  in my life stopped,  and was black and white.” I finally said. “When I found ye again and when I learned about  our daughter, the clocks  began ticking  again and the world was  in full color . I have been happy since and right now, I am feeling more than I thought was even possible. I am happy - so happy, Claire. More than words can ever describe.”

 

_ More than I ever dreamed of. _

 

“I love you.” Claire leaned down to kiss me but stopped halfway down. “And as for the world being colorful. Every shade of you brightens my life, my fiercely, red love.” 

 

Claire’s fingers touched the tips of my hair, then she smiled,  teasing me more . I desperately needed her, needed to push away the awful aftermath of me believing she was dying. I pulled her closer and kissed her,  as if it was the only way to survive the pain that was slowly turning into relief.

 

I needed to feel her body, hold her in my arms, and drown myself inside her. 

 

Claire held on to me as she felt the same urgency. Her hand came back to my hair, taking a firm grip, pushing my lips harder against hers. I couldn’t remember the last time I had her like this, not that it mattered. I would desire her, body and soul, even if I had laid with her yesterday. I would never get enough. 

 

Claire’s fingers stroked my hair, soothing me. And when she released me, I looked at her and found that her eyes were wet, glassy, and desperate. She probably saw the same things in mine as well.

  
“Love me” she whispered.

 

Her lips were soft and I kissed her more hungrily. One of my hands were on her hips, gripping tightly and holding her in place in my lap, while my other hand came down between her legs  feeling her warm and wet center . My fingers slowly dug deeper into her and it all felt so good I couldn’t think clearly. My balls and cock were aching with need, desperately wanting release. 

 

_ Oh god. _

 

I dragged my pants down and Claire’s hand quickly came down between us, immediately guiding me inside her. 

 

“Ah,” she cried out when she slowly sank down, she was tight and her hip movements hurt a little, but it all felt so good, so good. I let out a sound and groaned loudly. 

 

I felt captivated and mad. The heat that was coursing through me and my body left me trembling. I was so deep inside her that there's no space left between us. No space for worry or concern but only love and trust.

 

“Oh, Jamie.”  she cried breathlessly.

 

My eyes meet hers  and I saw how much she wanted me and I almost broke. With another soft sigh and breathless gasp, Claire rode me faster, her hands holding on to my chest.

 

We gazed into each other's eyes as she moved and grind against me.

 

_ Harder, faster.  _

 

My hips swung up to meet hers thrust for thrust, my eyes were steadfast in our devotion,  and my hands had a firm grip on her hips.

 

“I’m coming.” Claire cried out, her fingers digging harder into my skin. Her soft moans and sighs became  loud  cries of, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" 

 

For a second, we slowed down as I let Claire breath through her orgasm. Her legs were shaking, and I felt how how her spasmodic walls were hugging me around my cock. 

 

“Kiss me, Claire.” 

 

Claire leaned down and kissed me hard. I quickly moved my hands from her hips to her ass, thrusting harder and I probed into her as deeply as I could penetrate her. 

 

Claire gave a long, deep scream of pleasure. I moved into her  for a couple more thrusts , and suddenly, she was shaking and shuddering with the release of an another orgasm until she collapsed and fell down onto my chest.

 

_ Explosion _ .

 

I could feel the fire growing hotter and hotter inside of me until suddenly I was all consumed. I came apart, shaking and quivering and very nearly forgetting how to breathe. 

  
  
  


A moment later, Claire still in my embrace, we laid sweaty and naked and my heart was beating as if I had been running a marathon. I looked at her and she was pink flushed and very beautiful. Neither was tired, at least, I wasn’t.

 

Neither of us tried to move as we still were catching our breaths and fingers softly caressed the other in the quiet room.

 

”I remember that I was scared.” She suddenly said,  breaking the silence .

 

”When?” I asked low and confused,  _ was she scared to tell me about the pregnancy? _

 

“The day of the accident...” Claire answered. “I remember I needed to think how to tell you that I was pregnant...”

 

_ So that really was the reason why. I knew it. _

 

“Ye remember that?”

 

“Mhmm.”

 

“Why haven’t you told me?”

 

“Fear…”

 

“Fear of what?”

 

“To tell you the truth of what I did..”

 

“What did ye do?” 

 

Claire took a deep breath and I held her tighter. I willed her to look at me but she didn’t, so I didn’t push it and allowed her to say it the way she was most comfortable in.  “I stopped swimming. I remember bits and fractions of that day but I remember I thought I was having a miscarriage and when I felll into the water.” Claire paused, she looked so ashamed. “I didn’t even try. I gave up and let go.”

 

_ Silence _ .

 

“Frank said that he saved you.”

 

“He did.” Claire sounded distant. “But maybe that’s why I forgot who I was. Maybe the shame was to much for me take. That my subconscious just took another direction.”

 

I tried to calm myself by taking a deep breath in and blowing all the air out of my lungs again. I had always thought she hit her head and passed out, but no. 

 

_ She didn’t swim. She wanted to die. _

 

“The shame is not yers to bear.” I answered  coldly . My lies about not wanting children was what brought her to the dock and to take that damn ferry boat. It was my fault. 

 

I clenched my jaw and  I was now the one who looked away. The sting of shame was on my tongue, tasting bitter and salty. 

 

“It’s not yours, it shouldn’t be when it was me who decided not to trust in us...in you” Claire said and forced me to look at her. “It was  _ me _ . I’m the one to blame for not seeing past the lie you told me about not wanting children. Jamie, you are a terrible liar, I should have known. When we found each other again, that first night in your apartment in Queens, you said that you didn’t want children because of fear. The same goes for me. That’s why I took that damn ferry boat that day, I feared that you didn’t want the baby. If we only could have spoken about it, our fears, together… if we do it now, maybe we can avoid future  pain.  We can’t afford anymore casualties.”

 

“But if I hadn’t lied..”

 

“Stop.” Claire placed her fingers against my lips to silence me. “Tell me now, Jamie, what are your fears?”

 

“All of it. I fear everything.” I raised my voice in frustration. “Terrified that I’m going to lose ye again, lose Ellen, this baby.”

 

“But you aren't going to lose us. If you take away  that fear , what fears are left?”

 

“I fear that I can’t be the man I used to be, the man ye fell in love with.”

 

“Don’t you see? Old me fell in love with old you.” Claire smiled. “But the woman I am now, she fell in love with who you are now. It’s all the same. Whoever you are, I will always love you.”

 

“That’s supposed to be my line.”

 

“You probably already have said this to me, so believe it  yourself . Fears never truly disappears. If they do,  new ones are going to come and replace the old ones. ”

 

“And what are your fears, Claire?”

 

“Right now, not being enough.”

 

“And?”

 

“My biggest fear. .. ” Claire hesitated  but continued . “ ... is  that you loved me more when I was somebody else.”

 

“Is it fear or do you actually feel like I love the woman you were before more?”

 

“Sometimes. When you speak of the past, of us,  of  old me. You have this look, like you are picturing it and the way  you  look...you haven’t looked at me like that.”

 

“That’s awful...”

 

“I know,” Claire answered sympathetically. “But it's even worse that I'm saying it, and I don't blame you for it.”

 

“It’s hard because ye are exactly like ye always have been \- just minus the memories. It shouldn’t make a difference, but I guess it does. That doesn’t mean I love ye less. On the contrary, I love ye even more now,” I said truthfully. “But when ye have the answers in hand, when ye know exactly everything, it’s hard to un-know them. I speak of our life with pride, but maybe the look I have when I talk about our life _before_ is sorrow ful and that’s why I haven’t looked at you the same because I don’t feel it \- not anymore. I don’t feel sorrow because I’m grateful that I have you again. _Please_ don’t take  it as anything else. I still grieve but it’s not the way you think. It’s just...life was easier before and I miss the simplicity of it. Now, I just feel like I failed ye, one mistake after the other.”

 

“Why are we both so good in taking blame? Of overthinking everything?”  Claire asked honestly.

 

“I used to be better. I always said whatever was on my mind. But I guess this is another fear, I fear to hurt your feelings. I’m afraid to be too honest, scared that ye might leave if I am.”

 

“I wouldn’t leave. Is there anything you want to say now?”

 

“Can’t think of anything right now.”

 

“The key to a healthy relationship is to be honest, to freely get to voice your thoughts and emotions. It hurts  me that you feel you can’t but I understand.”

 

“Ye do? How come?”

 

“Because we have both placed each other on pedestals. But we are not flawless, nor perfect. When you think back, Jamie, you romanticize us.”

 

“I do?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“When?”

 

“All the time.”

 

“When you tell me about something we did or I did, you tell it in your point of view. But when I hear it, I remember it a bit differently”

 

_ Remember it differently? _

 

“Like what?”

 

_ How much does she remember? _

 

“Take our first Christmas. How do  _ you _ remember that day?”

 

_ I haven’t told her anything about it.  _

 

I tried to recreate that day in my head. I remember ed Claire worked late,  then  she came home and we exchanged gifts. I gave her the stethoscope and she gave me the book. We made love and later on told stories about our parents  where I talked about them for the first time.

 

“I don’t know what to say? Have I even told ye about this?” I said, not answering her question.

 

“No, we haven’t talked about that day before.”

 

“Do ye remember that day?”

 

“Answer the question, Jamie.”

 

“I remember a lot from that night.” I sighed. “I remember that we talked about my parents and you told me how you handled yer parents deaths.”

 

“That day is a great example to show how far we are from perfect and how we maybe even experience it differently. We shared our darkest thoughts and fears, we bonded about a tragedy we both shared?”

 

“Aye?”

 

“But how did we feel the next couple of days?”

 

“I don’t know? Happy?”

 

“No, you couldn’t look at me for two days. I remember how much we cried that day and yes, we were happy but it was so much more. I can feel it still, how we took each other’s pain and comforted each other. But still, you didn’t speak  about any of it the day after that.”

 

_ I didn’t? _

 

“Claire, I don’t understand, are ye saying that you are remembering?”

 

“I do.”

 

“What do you remember?”

 

“I remember...I can’t explain how but the more we talk right now...I’m somehow getting access to a locked part of the brain I couldn’t access before? I don’t know how but I remember...”

 

“All of it?”

 

Claire became quiet and quickly sat upright. I did the same and watched her. I felt worried and I looked at her eyes  who was currently unblinking . I waved my hand in front of her face and got no reaction. I got goosebumps on my arms, as though something important was happening, or about to happen. I snapped my fingers and the sound startled her but she still didn’t move.

 

“Claire?” I shook her shoulders  gently . This was freaking me out.

 

“What?”

 

“Ye just stopped talking. What’s going on?

 

“I’m remembering…”

 

“Is this happening right now?”

 

“It’s the weirdest thing. It seems like I’m remembering some  memories in  chronological order?” Claire stared into nothing. “I have blanks from my childhood but if you ask me, I can describe my childhood house, from the posters on the wall I had in my room, down to the oddly shaped sock I knitted for my mother when I was eight.”

 

My mouth was wide open in shock. 

 

_ What is happening? _

 

“I remember the day I found out that we were going to move to Germany. Geneva was there...”  Claire continued.

 

“What else?” I whispered. I didn’t want to disturb her again when she was clearly on the roll of a breakthrough. 

 

“My dad and my uncle was very alike, almost like twins, their voices even. I remember when I was fourteen, I used to force my uncle to read me books and I would close my eyes pretending it was my dad.”

 

Claire closed her eyes and I watched her lips. She was clearly in her own world right now. I was honestly a bit scared and I wasn’t sure what the hell was happening or if I should do anything.

 

“A dozen emotions are running through me at once. I breathe in a gust of air and feel waves of shock, joy, guilt, and desperation wash over me.” Claire was rambling. “Mary Hawkins was my best friend and I dishonored her by not telling you about her in the first place.” 

 

Claire opened her eyes again and she looked furious.  But more than that , I also saw fear in her eyes - a fear that she was probably trying to hide it before. What scared her? What did she remember  that I didn’t know already ?

 

“The money I bought my apartment with, the one I sold to finance my medical school...” Claire looked disgusted. “Blood money.”

 

Jenny had told us about everything Claire had told her in the past about Geneva, this wasn’t new information, but it was clear Claire remember it herself now. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing - that she was, all at once, getting an explosion of memories.

 

Claire suddenly got up from the bed,  wore her robe again, and she started pacing back and forth  the room .

 

“Should I call Joe?” Claire said but it was clearly not aimed to me. She was talking to herself. “No and say what?”

 

“Claire?” I said her name carefully. I didn’t want to freak her out but she was scaring me. She looked like she was on the verge of breaking down, her brain probably running on full speed and I was afraid it was all too much for her to bear. 

 

I looked deep into her eyes - those beautiful, insistent eyes that always had captivated me - as I reached my hand to try to cup her face but Claire jumped back and her eyes looked black.

 

“Don’t touch me.” Claire  said as she slapped my hand away.

 

Then I saw her actual facial expression, the fear was back and she looked so hurt and in that moment, I felt my heart began to pound with a terrible ache. 

 

_ What is she remembering?  _

 

“Talk to me then.” I said calmly “How far do ye remember?” 

 

“I don’t know.” Claire looked down on her shaking hands. “It doesn’t stop.”

 

_ I need to say something. Anything. _

 

“When ye asked how I coupe with yer death, I told ye that I almost burned down our house, that I ruined every furniture, but what I didn’t say was that I listened to yer voicemail. I swear I did it a million times. I close my eyes and listen to your voice and pretend that you were there.”

 

I don’t know why I said just that but I needed to say something to distract her. Claire was starting to look pale and I wanted to calm her down.

 

“You did?”

 

It was working, she was calming down.

 

“Yeah, it was about 40 seconds long. I sat in our closet, in the dark, maybe for two days straight, just listening.”

 

_ “Hi, you have reached Claire Fraser. I’m busy at the moment, probably in surgery or at home with my beautiful husband, ignoring your call. So, if it’s something important, please leave a message and I’ll call you back. And if It’s Jamie calling, no, we are not eating pizza today. Bye.” _ I knew that message by heart.

 

“I don’t remember that.” Claire answered low.

 

“And I can’t  _ forget _ it.”

 

“I want to forget everything. All of it.” Claire fell down to her knees and I slightly panicked again but I did the same thing and as she had said earlier - I didn't touch her.

 

“I don’t want to sound like an ungrateful amnesia patient.” Claire looked up at me. “But I never thought my life was this tragic...”

 

Her words felt like a knife. I couldn’t hide how hurt I felt.

 

“Not you, Jamie.” Claire took my hand. “Oh god, no, no, not you - never you.”

 

_ Relief. _

 

“I lost my parents when I was twelve, I lost my uncle when I was eighteen and just a few months after, I lost my best friend. I have just experienced 30 years of pain in five minutes.”  she said in rasped finality.

 

“I’m sorry, Claire.”

 

“I remember them.” Claire said it with a pained expression. “All of them, e…”

 

Claire stopped talking and looked at me with tears in her eyes. She looked miserable and I understood what she wasn’t saying. It was  very clear  in her eyes -  _ she didn’t remember me _ . 

 

“Except me.” I finished her sentence.

 

_ Not me.  _

 

“I remember our first year.”  she said, offering a positive perspective on it.

 

I nodded, wordless. I wondered how she knew it was only our first year together she remembered, it felt very specific. 

 

“It’s enough for me.” I said. 

 

_ Is it?  _ I shook my head to get rid of my selfish thoughts and continued to focus on Claire.

 

“It hurts. This really hurts.” Claire continued. “I don’t know how to balance the anger. I’m so angry and I don’t know what do now?”

 

“Ye are not supposed to do anything except to try and accept that it did happened.”

 

“It’s not fair. I don’t want to remember all the heartbreak. My brain is tormenting me with haunting memories from my past but it can’t seem to remember anything about you. How am I supposed to accept that?”

 

“But you said you remembered our first Christmas. We haven’t talked about that. Surely, you remembered that on your own.”

 

“I know but I remembered that hours ago. When I was in the bookstore we met and I bought that book.”

 

“Does that mean you are old Claire?”

 

“I don’t feel like it.”

 

“How do you feel?”

 

“Honestly, like Katie. I often feel like her.”

 

“But you remember yer family, Mary, and Geneva. They are from Claire’s life, Christ ye even remember Fredrick! How is it possible that ye don’t feel like Claire then?”

 

“Cause I don’t remember you.” Claire smiled for a second then it disappeared from her lips. “I think you are the key to my happiness.”

 

It was a cheesy thing for her to say and I would have appreciated it more if  she had not identified herself more with Katie - but still. After all these months,  that other life still haunted her sometimes . Katie represented a very conflicted and dark time in Claire life, just as Big Red was mine. The thought of her not being happy was clouding my judgment.  _ How can she not feel like Claire? Even with all this new memories? _

 

“But you said you feel like Katie.. are you not happy?”

 

“I’m still as lost I was when I was Katie.”

 

“But are ye not happy?”

 

“I am. I live each day with you. But I’m allowed to grieve, just like you said you are, too. I grieve that I only know parts of you. I only seem to remember our first year together...”

 

“How do ye know it’s just our first year together?”

 

“When did we buy that house? In Stockbridge?”

 

The house I sold when she died.

 

“Summer 2013.”

 

“Like I thought.” Claire hummed. “That’s why I know, I was there today. I thought, maybe if I saw the house or walked inside, I would remember like I had in the bookstore.”

 

“Ye drove there today? Did ye walk inside?”

 

“Yes, the couple living there was really kind. I told them the truth, that I used to live there but had an accident and just wanted to see if my theory checked out. But it didn’t. I didn’t remember anything from in there.”

 

“Oh.” I would have loved to have gone there with her, I thought, but quickly dismissed it. “Were ye going to tell me?”

 

“Of course, Jamie. I had it all planned out. I was going to give you the book and tell you that I’m pregnant. And, then, I was sure you were going to ask me where I bought the book and I was going to tell you that I remembered  our first Christmas.”

 

_ That never even crossed my mind. How could I not react to the book itself? _

 

“Maybe ye will in time. Let’s be grateful that you remember yer life at all. I’m just being selfish. We are together, we made it after all. We should focus on that.”

 

Claire fell silent and closed her eyes.

 

“I can’t stop seeing Mary Hawkins face.” She whispered. 

 

“Do you remember it all?”

 

“I think so...”

 

“Are ye ready to  _ finally _ tell me?”

 

“You already know..”

 

“Not yer version.”

 

“Can I tell you tomorrow? I just need to let this sink in.”

 

“Of course.” I answered but I still wanted to know if she remembered her whole life or just the bad parts that she said up until one hour ago. In these past nine months, Claire had already remembered so much, not much was including me, but she did remember some. 

 

_ Meeting me. _

_ Fractions of her parents. _

_ Some parts from our wedding, including bits even from the day I proposed. _

_ Even Laoghaire. _

_ Parts from the day of her accident (apparently more than she lead on) _

_ Frederick Ward. _

_ The hospital gala. _

 

But now, the list was getting longer. 

 

_ Our first Christmas. _

_ Her childhood  _

_ More of her parents. All of it? _

_ Mary Hawkins. _

_ Geneva Dunsany. _

_ Her uncle Lamb. _

 

Claire always remembered little - parts, bits, fractions - when it came down to me or us . Never the full story, never the whole day or even what the conversations were. I had come to terms with that a few months ago that I was, at least, blessed with knowing our love story. That even though I, maybe like Claire implied today, was romanticizing it, that I saw our memorizes through a pink vail, I truly still believed that our love story was unique and beautiful. Not that she didn’t think so, but she was right, I sometimes purposely didn’t tell her about the bad parts. 

 

When we met in 2012, we both were in a dark place. We both grieved and found peace in each other. It wasn’t wrong of me to excluded that feeling, I wanted to preserve the happiness.

 

If Claire remembers us again - all of it - she will understand. That it doesn’t matter how much we cried together, how painful the loss of our parents inflicted our marriage, because we were pure and true. Our love was built on pain and it only made us stronger together.

 

“People die all the time and you need to get past that.” Claire suddenly said. “But how do you do it twice? Especially when you don’t really remember how you did it the first time?”

 

“So ye don’t remember all of it? Yer life, I mean.”

 

“No, not all of it. I remember I went to the support group when my parents died and I met Mary but I can’t specifically say what anyone said in that meeting.” Claire sighed loudly. “I can’t explain it but it’s like any other memory for anyone - nobody can look back and remember everything even if you were to go back to your childhood. You only remember fractions.”

 

“That’s true.”

 

“The freaky thing is that I’m turning 30 this year but in my head I’m only 25. If someone would ask me my age, I would probably automatically answer 25.”

 

_ That’s new. _

 

“I wish I could be in yer head right now.”

 

“You really don’t. It just a mess in here.”

 

“Beautiful mess.”

 

“I wish I could swallow my pain instead of it swallowing me alive. Jamie, I feel as though I am being ripped apart from the inside. I should be happy..”

 

“I wish I could take yer pain. Is it guilt that prevents ye from being happy?”

 

“Yes and no.” Claire replied and sighed. “But I think, life will be easier now. For me and you. I don’t feel the same need to become whoever I was before because I think I finally realized that what I really needed to really identify with the woman in the picture - it wasn’t my appearance but a firm and solid ground to stand on. Yesterday, I felt alone and shattered, terrified that I was dying. I was scared, not only because of death but because I was scared that Ellen would grow up without me, not knowing or remembering me as I didn’t remember my mother. But now.” Claire laughed. “I can hear her, my mother singing and I can almost feel the ghost touch of her patting my cheek and kissing my forehead.”

 

“Can it be the pregnancy that is making you remember? Your maternal instinct kicking in? Your fears of dying and leaving Ellen behind, for her to live the same life you have lived since the accident? Not remembering?”

 

“It’s sounds impossible. But maybe?”

 

“The most important part ye needed was yer mother, yer childhood.” 

 

_ Her past.  _

 

I smiled at her, no longer caring if Claire remembered me, because she loved me - that was enough. I understood the importance of loving your mother. I had my own mother with me - always - and I’m sure I would feel lost without her memory. I got it. I really did.  _ Finally. _

 

“I needed my past.”  She said in realization.

 

When it all seemed to slow down and Claire managed to stand up again, we laid down in the bed again together. I knew most of her life - her past - but the things she had hidden from me had always been closed of until now, but I wanted to respect her request to not speak of it today, to let her face whatever she had remembered tonight  for tomorrow . It was a lot as I could see how much she was thinking - her forehead wrinkled with thoughts and worries.

 

“Never leave this bedroom again.” Claire sniffed. “You don’t get to sleep elsewhere but here.”

 

“As long as ye will have me, I’m never leaving this room.”

 

“You know what”  she said in follow.

 

“What?”

 

“I changed my mind. My biggest fear isn’t that you don’t love me like you did before.”

 

“What is it?”

 

“My biggest fear is that you are going to forget how much I love you.”

 

_ Like in the basement. _

 

“I’ll try and remember that.”

 

“If you ever doubt that again...” Claire took my hand and placed it on top of my own heart. “As long as it beats, you are mine. If you doubt  my love , feel your heart and know that mine, too, beats for you.”

 

_ Don't give into the fear. Don't let it make your decisions for you. _

  
  



	11. Dark secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: contains violence

Claire’s therapist, Rachel Hunter, always says  this during their sessions:  _ Dig deep within. Reach into your mind, search for the red thread and pull it.  _ _ After that,  _ _ embrace whatever you find. _

 

But this was too deep, too much.

 

With Jamie sleeping deeply, snoring next to her, Claire finally got time to process everything she had remembered tonight  and  she almost wished she didn’t remember.

 

_ Not this  _ _ memory _ _ at least. _

 

Not those hands that touched her  without her consent , hands that ripped apart her shirt and  forcefully tried to get into her panties. He was her friend, her coworker, someone she trusted but now, Claire remembered who he was and what he did  that she so desperately had tried to forget. 

 

_ Fredrick. _

 

How could she had remembered him two days ago and forget the bad things  he has done and what  _ he _ did  to her \-  an incident Claire never told Jamie. 

 

Claire closed her eyes. It wasn’t supposed to her her shame, but his. 

 

**_2013_ **

 

_ It was her  _ _ first day back at work as Dr. Claire Fraser, not Beauchamp. Everyone congratulated her throughout the day and everything was just a blissful. _

 

_ Claire almost couldn’t focus on anything except her new name and the gold ring on her hand. It was a euphoric feeling, the  _ _ ultimate  _ _ satisfaction  _ _ on finally _ _ belonging.  _

 

_ After a few hours at the hospital, Claire walked down the long corridor leading down the on call room  _ _ for _ _ a little nap.  _ _ She walked inside the dark room and thanked whoever it was who chose the top bunk as she preferred sleeping closer to the floor as it made it easier to run out the door if there was an emergency _ _. _

 

_ “Claire, Is that you?” The voice was sleepy but familiar - Fredrick.  _

 

_ “It is.” Claire yawned loudly. She had worked for seven hours, six to go. She thought of  _ _ sleeping instead at the _ _ changing room but she was too tired  _ _ to argue with herself _ _. _

 

_ “How was the wedding? Thanks for the invite  _ _ by the way _ _.” He sarcastically remarked.  _

 

_ “It was lovely.”  _ _ she replied flatly.  _

 

_ “Why wasn’t I invited?” Frederick’s head  _ _ looked _ _ down at her. _

 

_ “Let’s not go there.” Claire sighed. “It would have been inappropriate, you know that.” _

 

_ “Cause I told you that I loved you.” Fredrick said low. _

 

_ “Yes” _

 

_ Claire was strongly debating on  _ _ sleeping anywhere else _ _ but Frederick laid back  _ _ down _ _ and disappeared from her sight. _

 

_ “Did you tell Jamie?”  _ _ he asked. _

 

_ “No.” _

 

_ “Why?” _

 

_ “He would kill you.”  _ _ Claire knew it was the truth. _

 

_ “ _ _ I’d  _ _ like to see him try.” Fredrick, to her surprise, laughed. _

 

_ “Just move to South Africa,” Claire  _ _ laid down the bed, _ _ pulled the cover over her shoulders and closed her eyes. “And please don’t talk to me if you ever come back.” _

 

_ “That’s the thanks I get?” Frederick sounded pissed. “I  _ _ saw the potential in you, I took you under my wing _ _ and damn it, you wouldn’t even become a doctor if it wasn’t for me.” _

 

_ “Excuse me?” Claire climbed off the bed and stared at Fredrick. This behavior was new and she wasn’t taking it. _

 

_ Fucking men. _

 

_ “My recommendation letter was what helped you get into medical school.” Frederick answered. _

 

_ “Oh, please” Claire rolled her eyes. “What are you doing? How dare you?” _

 

_ “How dare I? I only speak the truth, Claire. I’m not denying your brilliance because that you are - but didn’t you  _ _ ever _ _ wonder why or how you got accepted  _ _ so _ _ fast?” _

 

_ “I’m not having this conversation. Fredrick, you are angry because I don’t love you back  _ _ and _ _ that’s why you are being like this. I have appreciated our friendship, but now, I don’t know if I want anything to do with you  _ _ ever _ _.” _

 

_ Frederick  _ _ swung _ _ his legs over the edge and jumped down on the ground. He  _ _ towered _ _ over her, just like Jamie  _ _ has _ _ , and for the first time, Claire felt uncomfortable and smaller than she ever had felt in Fredrick’s presence.  _

 

_ “Friendship?” He said the word like he didn’t understand it. “We, maybe,  _ _ weren’t _ _ in a committed relationship but when you weren’t fucking me, I was your superior, your boss.” _

 

_ “Oh, wow. I do apologize  _ _ and  _ _ let me take that back then. I have appreciated you mentoring and helping me but from now on, let’s keep this “relationship” professional. Don’t address me ever by my first name, don’t speak to me  _ _ unless _ _ necessary and if you do,  _ _ call me Dr. Fraser _ _ ” Claire’s heart was pounding with rage. “I am who I am because of me and nobody else. I don’t know who you think you are but I’m very sure your recommendation isn’t what got me here.” _

 

_ Claire turned around to leave the room but Frederick gripped her arm, hard, pulling her back. _

 

_ “Let go of me!”  _

 

_ “Don’t thinks so.” _

 

_ “Let go or I’ll scream!” Claire was scared now and she looked into his eyes - those brown and warm eyes that once had belonged to her friend, was now black, filled with anger and rage.  _

 

_ Frederick kissed her then, and she froze. It was unexpected and she couldn’t move  _ _ and  _ _ she couldn’t scream. _

 

_ “I love you, Claire.” Frederick forced another kiss on her. “Don’t you see.” _

 

_ “Why are you hurting me then?” It came out as a whisper and Claire hoped that he would realize what he was doing.  _

 

_ He didn’t. _

 

_ Frederick pressed her up against the wall and Claire was just about to scream when he placed his hand over her mouth.  _

 

_ “I didn’t mean it. I wasn’t just your boss. Claire, I’m sorry. I just want...” Fredrick kissed her neck. “One last time.” _

 

_ Claire’s eyes were wide open _ _ with shock _ _ and panic as she desperately tried to breath with his hand over her mouth. _

 

_ No. This is not happening. _

 

_ It felt like a dream.  _

 

_ How can he be doing this? _

 

_ With his hand over her mouth, he pinned her in place with his body pressing against her. His other hand ripped apart her shirt but somehow she remembered how to move again and kicked his shin. Frederick screamed of pain, grabbed her by her shoulders and pushed her against the wall again. She hit her head and the pain was  _ _ suddenly  _ _ unbearable.  _

 

_ She quickly tried to regain control but he threw her on the bed and that when she felt his hands inside her pants, trying to get into her panties and she freaked out. But he weighed too much and she wasn’t strong enough. _

 

_ “I know you want me.” Frederick whispered as he yet again tried to get inside her panties but Claire was squirming, trying to get away, making it harder for him  _ _ to come inside _ _. He lost his grip and she took her chance and bit his hand hard. _

 

_ That’s when he hit her in her stomach. _

 

_ Maybe he had been possessed before - but he suddenly stopped when Claire screamed under his hand once more and she almost passed out from the pain. He quickly released her, like he was surprised and didn’t know he had been holding her. _

 

_ He stared at her and Claire couldn’t stop crying, holding her hand over her stomach. Everything hurt and she gasped after air. _

 

_ “If you tell anyone.” Frederick said with shaking voice. “I'll ruin your career.” _

 

_ “The second you laid your hand on me, you ruined yours.” She answered low, feeling braver when she saw how scared Frederick looked and behaved. _

 

_ “Nobody will take your word over mine.” _

  
  


**Thursday.**

 

_ Nobody will take your word over mine… _

 

He had been right. Who would have thought that the English, beautiful, pediatrician, who had a charity company and went to South Africa to save sick kids, could ever, ever lay his hand on a woman or force himself on her? Who would believe that?

 

Nobody.

 

Fear was, once again, was something that had stopped her that day. Fear that nobody would believe her. Fear what Fredrick would do if she did file an rapport.

 

Tragically, Claire never told Jamie knowing he would have killed Frederick. She had been debating what to do but when she came home that night. She couldn’t  bring it up . Nothing really happened - that what was she told herself , convinced herself to believe. Sure, he hit her but she couldn’t prove that as there wasn’t any evidence, no bruises, nothing.  It was just her word against his. 

 

So, she never told anyone.

 

Frederick left two days after that day and she never saw him again - until he stood in her living room at her daughter’s birthday party  a few days ago . 

 

Claire wanted to cry again.  _ How could he stand there and pretend like they were old friends, old lovers, when he knew what he had done?  _

 

Fredrick probably loved that she suffered from amnesia, that she couldn’t remember what he did that day.

 

As if that wasn’t horrible enough,  adding this to  the guilt and the painful memories with finally remembering Geneva -  a woman who killed her friend and then tricked her to trusting and living living with her, infiltrating her life again \- she felt sick down to her very bones. 

 

No, she didn’t want this. She wanted to be oblivious again. It was one thing to know - but to remember it and relive through the pain  again?

 

_ How do you explain that feeling? _

 

Maybe  like a swiss cheese, with big holes? Like one third of a person? 

 

Claire felt more like herself, but combining with her recent memories from being Katie, she felt like an untangled mess. There was still years missing,  mostly  her life with Jamie. 

 

Now the question was:  _ Why was she suddenly remembering? Why now?  _ _ And why not Jamie? _

 

Claire didn’t dare to fall asleep, afraid to wake up with more memories she didn’t want to remember. 

 

Her heart was breaking all over again even after all those years she spent trying to mend it back.   
  
Trying to cope with the death of her parents.   
  
About Geneva.   
  
About Mary.    
  
Jamie asked if she wanted to tell him all about it but could she do it? He already knew all the facts - almost all.

 

“Claire?” Jamie touched her arm and she froze. “What is it? Ye are crying.”

 

Claire hadn’t realized that she was.

 

“I can’t sleep.” She turned her head back and looked at him. “Did I wake you?”

 

_ I can’t stop thinking about Frederick and Mary. What he did. What I did.  _ Claire thought to herself, too afraid to tell him.

 

“What can I do?”

 

“Hold me...”

 

Jamie wrapped his arm around her, securely laying his hand on her stomach. As he spooned her, she felt a bit better - Claire always felt safe with him. He would never hurt her like that,  _ he never would _ .

 

“Do ye want to tell me?”

 

_ I can’t. _

 

_ I want to. _

 

_ But the consequences. _

 

_ No. _

 

_ I can’t tell you. _

 

_ “ _ Another day.” Claire finally said. Just like before, she found herself worried about how Jamie would react if she told him. Her husband was a kind man - but if he were to found out that someone had hurt her, he would hurt them  back and that was a fact.

 

“Is there anything ye could say? It doesn’t have to be anything heavy or something bad. Just something ye remembered.”

 

“Jamie.” Claire said his name and almost wanted to cave and tell him everything. Tears began to fall down her cheeks and landed on her pillow. 

 

“Didn’t ye remember anything that wasn’t hurting ye? I can’t stand this, Claire.”

 

“I did.” She sobbed out and wiped away the snot that ran from her nose. “But I can’t see past the pain...I can’t enjoy the sun when I’m getting burned in the process.”

 

“Let me help, please. Let me bear it with ye.”

 

“If I told you a house was on fire, would you go inside?”

 

“If ye we’re inside. Aye, I would.”

 

_ Stubborn man. _

 

“I need you to promise, then, that you won’t… that you won't hurt anyone after I tell you this.”

 

“Hurt?” 

 

Claire felt Jamie stiffen, released her from his arms and she looked back at him. He searched her face and it felt like he could read her like an open book. 

 

“I dinna like this. Why would I want to hurt someone? Can’t be Frank. Is it Geneva?”

 

“It’s not Geneva..”

 

Claire turned around so they laid face to face. 

 

“Why would I hurt someone?”  he asked again.

 

“Cause I know you will. That's why I need you to promise.”

 

“Did someone hurt ye? Is that it?” Jamie sounded upset and she already knew it was a bad idea. But they had agreed to speak of their fears and to be open about it. It was time.

 

“ _ He _ did.” Claire whispered and looked away. The shame wasn’t hers to bear but she was wearing it. She felt ashamed for so many reasons.

 

“Who. Is. He?” Jamie said each word and syllable with such anger that she was afraid that he was going to burst. 

 

“Promise me first.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I don’t want you to go to jail.” Claire said low. “That's why I never told you in the first place..”

 

Jamie’s chest was heaving up and down, fast and heavy, like every breath he drew was violent. He looked at her with so much worry and anger in his eyes and then he sighed and shook his head.

 

“I promise.” He said it through gritted teeth. It had to be painful for him to agree when he probably knew he would regret it. 

 

“It was Frederick.” Claire cried just with saying his name and Jamie mouth fell open in shock. “He hurt me.”

 

“What did he do?”

 

“He tried to…” Claire was stammering. “He forced himself on me.”

 

“He did  _ what _ ?” Jamie shouted and had a look on his face she never had seen before. It scared her. He left the bed and started pacing back and forth. 

 

“I had a long shift and I was tired. I went in the on call room to sleep and  there he was .” Claire cried even more but continued. ”He was making a sarcastic comment that he was hurt that he wasn’t invited to the wedding. I don’t know  how but it escalated and he started saying that I only got into medical school because of him and then..”

 

“So this happened after we were married?” Jamie interrupted her. “This happened when we were together and ye never told me?”

 

“Yes.”

 

_ Shame _ .

 

“What happened then?”

 

“He pushed me into the wall. I tried to fight him off but he was so strong...”

 

Claire couldn’t speak and to her surprise, Jamie climbed back into bed and held her. She could feel that he was shaking but did his best to comfort her. 

 

“He pushed me down on the bed. Ripped my clothes apart. He was inside my underwear.  Then he slipped  and I bit him, and that’s when he hit me hard in my stomach. I remember that I couldn’t breathe..”

 

She felt Jamie tensed up once more, his body was stiffening but Claire continued talking against his chest, feeling braver when she didn’t see his face.

 

“I don’t know what happened, maybe it was guilt, but he stopped and he threatened me that if I told anyone  he would ruin me ….and he left the room after that.”

 

“It’s okay.” Jamie said soothing and held her tighter. “Ye did good, Claire.”

 

“I fought back.” She whispered and cried some more.

 

———-

 

Jamie placed his hands on her cheeks and kiss her forehead. He lingered there for awhile, then he got up and walked straight over to the closet.

 

“What are you doing?” Claire asked as Jamie started putting his pants on but he didn’t answer.

 

“Jamie?”

 

“I know I promised but I can’t let this go. He needs to pay.” Jamie stood fully dressed in front of her but without looking directly at her. His hands were clenched to fists.

 

Before Claire got the chance to say anything else, Jamie had left the room. She sat frozen in bed, incapable of moving, not even to stop him. 

 

She closed her eyes when she heard him start the car and drive away.

 

_ No. _

 

The uncertainty, the unknown was killing her. It wasn’t going to be hard for Jamie to track Fredrick down. First, he was a cop. Second, they already know where Rose Ward - his wife - lived. 

 

The anxiety was making it unbearable  to sleep and she felt unsafe for their future as for what Jamie could do in this state of mind. He knows how to kill with his bare hands for one -  he is professionally trained for combat - and he is a police officer with a gun.

 

_ Shit _ .

 

Claire ran towards their closet. Behind their clothes is a hidden safe where Jamie keeps his gun.

  
  


Claire opened the safe and released the breath she had been holding.  His gun was still there.

 

_ Thank god. _

 

Her metaphorical suitcase - her life - she had been dragging around had been empty up until now. And suddenly, it was overloaded and Claire wasn’t sure if she would be able to move it ever again. 

 

Claire looked at her phone -  _ 2.37AM _ . She was tired but she knew she wouldn’t really be able to sleep. The heaviness of new and old memories was on a new level but it was hard to concentrate on that when Jamie was out there, doing God knows what. 

 

Maybe she was being selfish but she didn’t want to be alone, so Claire sneaked down silently to Ellen’s room. She picked her up and she didn’t wake up as she continued to sleep against her shoulder.

 

After that dreadful day in Frank's basement, when she was watching them trying to end Jamie’s life, Claire could understand  how  Jamie  felt. Even if she wished he didn’t do anything to physically hurt Fredrick, for Jamie sake, she understood the need to hurt them  back for  hurting someone you love. That’s why she didn’t even hesitated when she shot Frank and if the cops hadn’t come,  she would  have shot Willam as well. 

 

The sacrifices we make for love.

 

Laying next to her sleeping daughter in their bed, Claire did something she remembered -  _ finally _ \- her mother used to do. She had already remembered her mother’s voice once back in New York but now, Claire could picture it as well - her mother, Julia, holding herself as a little child in her arms and reciting poems.  Some of her favorite poems are mostly made up by her mother just for her.

 

**_Child_ ** _.  _

_ Loving daughter  _ **_of_ ** _ mine. _

_ A beam of  _ **_sunlight_ ** _ , shining through your eyes.  _

_ Let your innocent see past what  _ **_we_ ** _ call darkness. _

**_Shine_ ** _ my child. _

_ Sweet daughter of  _ **_mine_ ** _. _

 

Claire looked down and smiled to herself. Even if Ellen was too small right now to remember, maybe one day, Ellen would tell the poems to her own children. It was blissful wishing and Claire cried for the blessing of remembering, for the chance of traditions and an invisible heirloom to pass on.

  
  


_ C-L-A-I-R-E _

 

She spelled her own name in the palm of her hand just as she had written down other things before. But now,  as  Claire spelled out the name, it finally felt as hers. She knew it was hers and always would be hers. The name Katie was slowly fading away. The echoes from her past slowly building her back up.

 

_ C-L-A-I-R-E _

 

While reminiscing, Claire was reminded that her father and mother were “secretly” religious, as they like to use to call it. They never lived by the commandments or went to mass on sundays or anything like that, but in time of need, she remembered that her father sometimes used to recite the Bible. Maybe that’s why Claire refused to believe in God, because - if he or she did exist - God took them away from her. He  or she betrayed her a long time ago.

 

And even how much she wanted to un-remember she couldn’t force away the words  as she heard her father’s voice.

 

_ “Claire. I thank my God every time I think of you.” Her father kissed her cheek. “Philippians 1:3” _

 

_ “But I don’t have a God, who am I to thank?” Twelve-year old Claire asked.  _

 

_ “Nobody, you don’t need to thank anyone.” He replied softly and smiled at her.  _

 

_ “Then why do you thank God and what has he done?” _

 

_ “ _ _ Because  _ _ He gave me your mother and you.” _

 

_ “Biological speaking, grandma gave you mom and she gave me you, so...” Claire smirked. “You should thank grandma.” _

 

-

 

**Tuesday**

**5.24AM**

 

Claire woke up when she felt two small hands touching her face. Still sleepy she managed to open one eye to peek at her daughter who was clearly wide awake and ready for the day to start.

 

“Up, Mama. Up.” Her daughter tried to wake her once more and Claire smiled at her persistence.

 

But it didn’t take long before she remember that she had fallen asleep before Jamie came back home last night and Claire had a terrible gut feeling when she realized he still hadn’t come home. His side of the bed was still empty.

 

_ Jamie. _

 

Ellen was already running towards the door and Claire quickly put on her purple robe and followed her. She carried her daughter down the stairs and first peeked into the living room. Empty.

 

When she walked into the kitchen, there he was. Jamie was standing with his back against them, watching out of the window. He probably heard them but he made no effort to turn. 

 

Claire looked down on his hands, his knuckles were bloody and she wasn’t ready to know why they were. The tension in the room made her scared for their future but she slowly walked over to her husband.

 

Without saying anything, Claire stopped at his right and that’s when he finally looked at her. Jamie’s eyes were dark and hollow, blue marks under his eyes from lack of sleep but the more she looked at him, he seemed to relax and come back from wherever dark place he had been in his mind. 

 

A noticeable glimmer in his eyes as tears welled up and she quickly pulled him closer and he leaned his head down against hers. 

 

_ I thank my God every time I think of you. Philippians 1:3 _

 


	12. What did you do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Marry Christmas 🎄❤️ It’s not a happy chapter but I hope you like it. Finally, we are getting somewhere.

I mostly sat in my car all night thinking of thousands of different ways I could hurt that man in the most crucial and violent way there was. 

I wasn’t going to break down the door and scare Frederick’s family even if I wish I could have. Rose and Patricia , was inside and they were big enough reason for me not to  do it . 

I looked at his house through the window of my car  still .

I wanted to kill him so badly.

_ Frederick _ .

The man didn’t deserve to live.

Whoever touches or even tries to touch my wife without her consent doesn't deserve to live.

_ Trust _ . The word haunted me like nothing else before. Should I trust in  fate , that life would punish Fredrick for his actions? Or should I trust in the warm and pulsating blood running through my veins, trust in the impulsive, consuming dark voices in my head screaming that I should kill him myself, snap his neck and strangle him with my bare hands? 

The options were endless and the more I thought about it, the more I felt  like  I was slowly becoming  _ Big Red _ again. Even if he had lived a life without a wife, he was me and I was him and we both wanted to kill him.

When Frederick finally walked out of his house, I couldn’t stop my legs from walking  and following him . It was  too early  in the morning, he obviously didn’t see me at first when I came out of nowhere from the shadows of the night.

“Fraser?” Frederick looked surprisingly cheerful at 4am. “Out for a morning jog,  too ?”

“I know what ye did...”

**6:21AM**

“Let me take care of your hands,” Claire said softly to me as she looked down at my bloody and bruised hands. 

She still hadn’t asked what I had done nor had I told her either.

I looked out the window again - it was  g loomy, rainy, and dark. The summer was long gone and autumn had come surprisingly early this year. Maybe the universe was slowly sending out signals that  the life I knew was over and that  the Earth was whistling away into a dark, dim place.

I turned my head and looked down  at  Ellen, she was sitting on the floor playing with the laces on my shoes. She was the answer and one of the reasons why everything was worth the pain.  _ For _ _ her, for _ _ them. _

My attention was quickly drawn towards the door when I heard footsteps coming down the stairs and then Tina, alone, walked into the kitchen. She had the biggest smile on her face until her eyes met mine and it slowly disappeared.

“Tina,  _ please _ , can you take Ellen?” Claire asked and Tina nodded. She walked over to us, her eyes again looking at me then down on my hands. She too, didn’t ask.

Ellen had, in these last couples of days, took a liking  to  Tina and she laughed and smiled when Tina bent down to carry her. They left the room and the silence was upon me and Claire again.

“Come,” Claire said in a stern doctor voice, pulling me with her over to the sink. The warm water stung a bit when it hit my hand, but she was careful and delicate as always. 

“I kept my promise...” I said. “As much as I could, at least.”

“What did you do?”

“I hit him once, probably broke his nose.”

“Then what?”

“I drove home.”

“Are you okay?”

“Claire, why are ye caring about how I’m feeling? It’s not about me, this shouldn’t be about me. I have been standing here feeling guilty  that  I left ye when ye were so sad. I lost my mind and left ye, that’s not right.”

“You are here now.”

“I’m so sorry I left.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. Please forgive me.”

“Ye shouldn’t be apologizing at all, Claire. None of this was yer fault. Christ, I’m so sorry  for how I acted when ye told me. I shouldn’t have left ye.”

Claire turned off the water, grabbed the towel and gently placed it over my left hand. The whole situation reminded me of the day we met. She released my hand, opened the cabinet above us, and took down the first aid kit.

Claire led me back to the table and we sat down next to each other. She opened up the first aid kit and took out bandages and  other  supplies. We sat there in silence while she tended my bruised hands,  and let  the silence  say  unspoken words.

_ I’ll be there. _

_ I got you. _

_ I’m going to come through, I going to be there, for you, too. _

Sometimes words are just words - even if unspoken.  But  they mean even more when your actions say  them too.

I wasn’t happy but content. I had come out on the other side again. When I decided to go home, I buried Big Red for good.  I just wanted to be James Fraser, Claire’s husband.

“You shouldn’t have left,” Claire finally said. “But I guess that was inevitable.”

“I wanted to kill him.”

“Honestly, I thought you would. But I’m glad you didn’t.” Claire sounded so relieved.“Why are your hands this mangled if you only hit him once?”

“I took out my aggression on a brick wall.”

“Seems unnecessary.”

“Oh no, it was very rewarding. I pictured his face and it helped. A lot.”

“Are you going to be able to move on from this?”

“Are ye?”

“Technically, I did once. Maybe, I’ll be able to do it again.  I think it’s painful to remember this now because I feel so betrayed . When he came here for Ellen’s birthday, I really did think he was my friend. I remembered that he was kind and that  friendship  was such a wonderful thing  to have in this time of need.  To know an old friend .”

“Claire, ye are so strong. I’m sorry that he wasn’t who ye thought he was.”

“Yeah, I mean, I’m not grieving his friendship right now. He can go to hell. I just wish I had someone from before. Is that ungrateful to say?”

“No, it isn’t.”

There it was again.  _ Trust. _ But I didn’t fear it, neither did Claire. We voiced our fears and concerns. 

****  
  


**Geneva** .

With only one last hidden microphone in Jamie and Claire’s kitchen, there wasn’t as much action going on. Geneva could sit for hours and wait but she easily got bored in the end in listening to mumbling voices that were too far away. 

So, Mr. Franklin - her third sidekick if you  had to  call him anything - had installed a motion reaction device on her phone . I t was brilliant and easy. When anyone was talking  at  a certain frequency volume, she got a text notification.

Geneva had been asleep, laying next to Benji, when the text came  early in the morning. She eagerly walked to the surveillance room, put on her headphones and  t o her very satisfaction, it was Jamie and Claire talking.

_ “ _ When I met you, I was simply Claire Beauchamp. But the second I realized that I loved you, I wanted nothing more then to be who I am now - Mrs. Fraser,” Claire said and Geneva was super curious what the hell they were talking about.

“It’s okay to wish you had someone  besides  me, Claire,” Jamie said. 

_ She has me. _ Geneva smiled to herself. Claire will be so happy to have - just like she said - someone from her past.

“Frederick will never harm ye again.”  said  Jamie.

_ Who is this Frederick? Has he done  _ _ something  _ _ to Claire? _ Geneva wondered. 

The thought of someone hurting Claire, made Geneva furious. 

“ _ Nobody _ will ever harm ye again.” Jamie continued. 

“Why are  you  crying?” Claire asked softly and Geneva hated that she didn’t have the cameras. She felt blind with just the sounds and she was still so very confused  as to  what was happening.

“We made a vow once, to always bring each other back from the darkness, ye remember that?” Jamie said so low Geneva barley heard it.

“I remember.”

“When I stood outside Ward's house, I was  so consumed with rage. I couldn’t think straight, I slowly lost touch with reality, I was falling into this b ottom less hole and I was prepared to never come out again. Claire, I was planning on killing him. But when I hit him, I heard your voice, calling out my name, and it was like I woke up. Ye brought me back.”

“I’m so thankful you came out of there and came home.”

“I dread to ask...” Jamie sounded like he was in pain and Geneva wondered why.  _ What was this about and who this Frederick was? _

“What?”

“Promise me he that he didn’t...”

“No.” Claire interrupted him. “He never had the chance. After I bit him, he just stopped. I promise. I would never lie about that. He tried but he was unsuccessful.”

“Ye canna have  _ these _ kind s of secrets  anymore from me, Claire . Is there anything else?”

“It wasn’t meant to be a secret, I thought I was protecting you, back then and now. I know you like to say that it is your job to protect me, but it is my job as well. We are partners - in life  and for always.”

“Speaking of protection, I think John and Tina need to leave. Like today.”

“What? No.”

“Yes, Claire. I’m let you protect me once with this. Frederick shouldn’t be alive but that’s not up to me. But John is a criminal, we can’t..”

“But Tina…”

“I’m willing to let her stay for the sake of her and the child but John, no. I need to focus on you and Ellen. I refuse to endanger you any more, I refuse to have anyone hurt ye again. If Stefano finds out…”  Jamie sighed in resignation. “ I have been careless and I’m sorry. He has to leave, tonight…”

*Click*

Geneva took of her headphones,  frustrated  with not really understanding the situation she had been listening to and now with the time pressure, It was go time - ready or not.

“Benji!” Geneva shouted as she left the surveillance room. “Get that uniform  _ today _ or get the hell out.”

“What’s going on?” Benji asked, confused. 

“You heard me.” She walked closer to him. “Get the uniform. If you don’t,  there’s  no need to come back.”

There was a shift in Benji, like he suddenly became the military man he was, not the cute, disfigured man who was in love with her. He straightened his back and nodded. 

Geneva was in charge, she was the general and Benji was her soldier. Operation - Welcome Home  commence .

—-

****  
  


**Jamie.**

**9:28AM**

Claire had insisted that I needed to go back to work this morning, promis ing me that she was fine. Even if I knew she was lying, I listened. I think she wanted to talk to Tina and John about my decision - that they needed to go. Today.

At work, I somehow found it easier to breathe even if I was dead tired and hadn’t slept a second. It felt really good to focus on my case instead of the Claire and Frederick situation. 

Camille's mother, Lena, had been difficult to talk to yesterday. It was clear she was grieving her daughter but it was also obvious she was hiding something from me. During our talk about her daughter, our victim, I felt that she was leaving out some valuable information. 

I had asked numerous of questions as to _why_ Camille would have quit her job and traveled to Scotland without telling anyone. Lena had vaguely suggested that she was going through a rough patch but  did not specify in telling me why she was. 

When Lena Green left the station yesterday, I was conflicted. But today, I found out that Camille had a older sister named Isadora, who her mother never mentioned. 

Isadora was sentenced and hospitalized at a mental institution called Vallio and she had been staying there for over six years since 2013. I had recognized the name - Vallio Institution - at first but it wasn’t until now I knew why it was so damn familiar. It was the very same place Geneva was sentenced to for killing Mary.

**Patient name:** _ Isadora Lynn Green _

**Born:** _ 1988- 12- 24 _

**Information:**

_ 29 February 2013 -  _

_ London _

_ According to multiple witnesses, Miss Green unprovokedly started attacking the civilian bus driver George Gliss while he was driving. She was screaming that he was trying to kill her. The bus later on crashed into the clothing store Darius.  _

_ —— _

After reading multiple records, it was clear that Isadora was suffering from some kind of mental illness. But I was interested in why she was sentenced for two years but had been staying there for six. 

In the interrogation files, Isadora claimed that the man, George, was staring at her in the front view mirror and shouted that he was going to kill her and that she only hit him in self defense. But the testimonials from the witnesses on the bus that day all said the same thing - that Isadora started screaming out of nowhere and then ran from the back of the bus towards the driver and started  to  repeatedly hit him with her umbrella. The bus driver, George, had lost control of the wheel when she poked the umbrella in h is eye and he accidentally ran the bus in full speed into a store.  F ortunately there were no “real” casualties but approximately ten people was hospitalized with minor injuries,  and  the driver, on the other hand, needed eye surgery. The judge sentenced Isadora for attempted of murder. 

It was so strange. There had been no medical records showing Isadora had been mentally ill  _ before _ the bus incident, but multiple doctors and therapists wrote the same conclusion - 

Extreme Obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Personality disorders.

Tendencies of s chizophrenia .

****  
  


**1:56PM**

A few hours later, deep in to my victim's sister’s - Isadora Green - case, I couldn’t let go of why she had been there for so many years. Based on the information and dictum from the doctors at Vallio, I  learned  that Isadora was always heavily sedated and kept in isolation most of the time because she was violent and suicidal.

“Can ye call back Camille and Isadora’s mother?” I asked Angus. “I want to know why she didn’t mentioned the older sister.” 

“Sure,” Angus replied. “Do ye think Camille's death has something to do with her sister?”

“Can’t see why, her sister is alive and locked away. But maybe we should talk to her?”

“The sister?”

“Aye.”

“Maybe I can check the visitor lists, see if Camille has visited her recently?”

“Sounds like a fine idea.”

“Do ye think the mother is ashamed of Isadora?  Maybe t hat’s why she dinna mention her.”

“Could be,” I answered short and started thinking about Geneva. If it came to  be that we were going to Berkshire to talk to Isadora, there was a chance I would maybe  see Geneva, not  on  purpose but she was there. 

Then, I thought of Claire. She had remembered what really happened with Geneva, maybe I should tell her that my case was connected to the same facility where Geneva was. 

Or  maybe  not. Claire  might  still not ready to talk about it.

——

I came back from the bathroom and sat down by my desk. I had called  the  Vallio Institution earlier and they had been suspiciously quiet when I asked about the patient Isadora Green. They refused to give out any information about her nor give me a visitor’s list. 

“Hey.” Angus rolled his chair over to me. “I thought ye should know, I just found out that Claire’s friend was found dead today.”

“Wait, what? What friend?”

“Frederick Ward.”

After hearing his name, every thing slowly became blurry, like I lost my hearing and vision at the same time. My brain was shutting off.

“Jamie?”

“Ehm, sorry. What?”

“I just thought I wanted to tell ye  and  give  ye  a chance to call Claire before the reporters are all over the place. The lass has been through so much, this has to be devastating for her, to lose a friend, someone she remembered.”

“Right.”

“Are ye okay?”

“What happened?”

“Accident. Frederick drove into a tree, flew out the front window.”

“When? When did this happen?”

“A few hours ago.”

_ Shit. _

“I need to call Claire.”

I got up from my desk and walked away from people that might hear me, and I called Claire.

_ Voicemail _ .

_ Shit _ .

“Claire, it’s important ye call me back. Alright?”

I walked back to Angus. 

“Who is handling Frederick's Case?”

“No one, it was clearly an accident,” Angus replied. “Why?”

_ Was it really?  _

“Just curious.”

Even if I wanted to believe this was God ’s doing - his punishment  for Frederick’s despicable actions  \- there is no such thing called coincidence. Frederick’s accident  was not a an accident. He most  likely committed suicide or he was murdered, I  was sure. 

“I’m sorry for yer loss,” Angus said. “Do ye want to go home?”

“ What about Lena? She is coming soon.”

“Dinna worry, I’ll take care of that and inform ye later. Alright?”

“Thank ye, that ’s probably best,” I answered, dishearten ed . “Let me know if ye hear anything else.”

****  
  


**2:44 PM**

When I drove up the driveway, something felt off. The curtains were closed, the lights in the window  of  Ellen’s room were turned off.  _ They should be home.  _ I talked to Claire this morning and she said they were going to relax and just stay at home.

“Claire?” I called out her name when I walked into the house. “Why didn’t ye answer yer phone?”

No answer. I searched the first floor and I couldn’t find anyone. The house was too silent. Panic began to grow and I walked up the stairs. 

No Claire.

No Ellen.

“John? Tina!” I shouted and ran down the hallway and knocked on their door. My heart w as  beating loudly in my ears, but I relaxed a bit when I heard footsteps from inside the second bedroom.

“What’s going on?” Tina asked. She sounded scared and angry at the same time. I peeked over head but there was only John in there. 

“What the hell are ye talking about?”

“One of your colleagues were here,” John said and I had no idea what he was talking about. “Claire told us to lock the door and hide.”

“Where is she now?”

“ She isn’t here?”

“Would I ask if she was?” I snapped. “What the hell is going on? Where are they?”

“We don’t know. We were all sitting in the kitchen when someone knocked on the door. Claire went to check and then ran back and said that it was the police and that the two of us needed to hide.”

“When was this?”

“An hour ago?”

“You didn’t send anyone here?” John asked and I ignored him. I  did n’t.

I took out my phone and quickly dialed Claire again. I heard her phone  ringing  from downstairs and I ran down again. The sound came from the kitchen and  when  I turned on the lights, there laying on the table, was her phone.

_ What is this? _ I wondered when I noticed a note laying next to her phone.

**Jamie**

**I know you killed Frederick**

**I can’t forgive this. How could you?**

**I’m taking my daughter**

**Don’t look for us**

**/ Claire**

****  
  
  
  



	13. Lies

**3.20PM**

 

I read the note multiple of times until the words started flying around on the paper in front of me. It didn’t make sense, none of it. The note, the words - her words. 

 

_ How could she believe that I killed him?  _

 

_ How could she leave? _

 

_ How could she take Ellen? _

 

_ How? _

 

But the million dollar question was, who was here? Who told her these lies? What police officer? 

 

With the lights on, I sat in the kitchen staring at the handwritten letter. I ignored Tina, I couldn’t think of anything except Claire and how she could have left like this? 

 

“James.” Tina said again, trying to get my attention. “What’s going on?”

 

“She is gone.”

 

I felt Tina’s hand on my shoulder and I shrugged away from her touch. I didn’t want her pity nor her presence. 

 

Tina walked around and stopped next to me and leaned down to read the note. She looked shocked, but she stayed silent. 

 

“I’m going to call the police. Something is wrong. Claire wouldn’t.” I paused, it was too hard to say, it couldn’t be. 

 

“Did you do it?” Tina asked. “Did you kill him?”

 

“Of course not.” I replied, irritated. “But now I wish I had.”

 

——-

 

**Claire**

 

Claire slowly opened her eyes, feeling disoriented at first, but she relaxed a bit when she realized that she was in her own bedroom with Ellen sleeping next to her.

 

_ Did I dream it all?  _

 

But it couldn’t have been a dream, she was still wearing the same clothes she had put on today. She couldn’t have dreamt talking to Jamie this morning in the kitchen? 

 

Ellen was also wearing the same clothes she had put on her this morning. 

 

Everything felt strange. The bedroom was hers, she had bought these furnitures - the bed, the sheets and the nightstands. But it smelled differently and somehow felt emptier. 

 

Claire looked out the window and that’s when she saw it and she knew that it wasn’t real.

 

It all came back to her.

 

**_11.58AM_ **

 

_ Claire waited until she heard John lock their door upstairs. She slowly opened the door and saw a tall man wearing a police uniform, his face startled her - the scars and old burns, but she politely smiled at him. _

 

_ “Yes?”  _

 

_ “Mrs.Fraser, I’m here on the behalf of your husband.” The policeman said, he sounded kind. “My name is Benjamin Jones.” _

 

_ “Okey? What’s going on?” _

 

_ “James is in custody, he asked me to see you safe.” _

 

_ Suddenly Claire felt suspicious, with him, with his English accent, she knew most of his coworkers, his department did not have a British officer. Jamie would have called himself. _

 

_ “What? Why is he in custody?” _

 

_ “He has been arrested for the murder of Frederick Ward.” _

 

_ What? Fredrick is dead? Claire thought to herself. _

 

_ “Mrs.Fraser, I’m a friend, I know all about Mr Grey and Miss. Knight. James, himself, told me everything and he wanted me to take you to a safe house until he was released.” _

 

_ He knows about John and Tina. That information made Claire somehow trust him a little bit. Jamie would never tell anyone if it wasn’t serious. Claire thought. _

 

_ “Mrs.Fraser, please. We really need to go.” _

 

_ “But I want to see Jamie. I can testify in his defense that he didn’t kill him. I know he didn’t do this.” _

 

_ “I’m sorry, I really am. But they have witnesses, both claiming that they saw James kill him.” _

 

_ No. _

 

_ “They are lying.” _

 

_ “I, personally don’t believe it either, but we can’t do anything right now. Please, we need to go.” _

 

_ “I need to talk to John first.” _

 

_ “No, James specifically said that you needed to leave now and that you couldn’t tell nobody where you were going.” _

 

_ “But,” Claire started hesitating. “I don’t even know where we are going. I just need to tell them what’s going on.” _

 

_ “I said, no!” _

 

_ The police officer, Benjamin Smith’s sudden aggressive behavior was off-putting, nothing about him felt right anymore.  _

 

_ Even if Jamie had sent this man, she didn’t want to go with him. Claire looked at her daughter, sitting on her hips and she felt anxious - his demeanor felt threatening. She didn’t want to do anything that might hurt her daughter. _

 

_ “Sir, I want to see your badge,” Claire demanded.  _

 

_ “Why are you being such an ungrateful woman? Your husband sent me, why is that not enough?” _

 

_ Her instincts were right, this was feeling more and more uncomfortable by the minute. Jamie hadn’t sent this man, he couldn’t? Maybe if it had been Angus, she would have thought it was. No, this was wrong.  _

 

_ That’s when remember the intruder, the ones who had been listening. The cameras. The microphones. _

 

_ “I’m going to close the door now. If you are telling the truth, if Jamie really sent you, then you can go back and tell him that I’m not going anywhere.” _

 

_ “Yes, you are.” Officer Benjamin took a step closer and Claire, reflexively back away into the house, shielding Ellen away from him. “I suggest you do as I say, or else.” _

 

_ “What do you want?” Claire asked, terrified. _

 

_ “I’m only following orders.”  _

 

_ Benjamin suddenly held a gun, aiming it towards Ellen. _

 

_ - _

 

**Claire**

 

After fearing for her life and her daughter’s, Claire had done everything the policeman - the imposter - told her to.

 

Claire had quietly taken out her passport and Ellen’s, and then they had followed Benjamin into his car and after that, it all became dark and she woke up in her room, no - this illusion of her room.

 

Did he drug them? 

 

Claire carefully sneaked out of the bed and walked over to the window. That wasn’t her neighbor's house, it was a clearly a pre-recorded video - a beautiful winter snowland. A forest she had never seen before.

 

_ What is this? _

 

She ran towards the door, it was locked.

 

_ No. _

 

Claire started panicking and she wanted to scream but she feared who was behind all of this. Behind the locked door. Benjamin Jones. Who was he? What did he want?

 

When she heard noises from the other side of the door, Claire quickly ran back to the bed - to her daughter. A key went into the lock and when the door opened, she wanted to scream again.

 

_ Geneva. _

 

“Welcome home,” Geneva cheerfully greeted her. “I have missed you.”

 

Geneva had dyed her blond since Claire last saw her but here she was. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to laugh or cry at this moment. Of course, Geneva was the mastermind behind all this. That psychotic bitch. 

 

But this time she wasn’t oblivious Katie, but Claire Fraser. That was her advantage, she remembered everything now and all she felt was rage, pure and aggressive hatred towards the tiny woman in front of her.

 

Now, it all came down to how much did Geneva know? 

 

Claire was debating with herself, how do do this in the smartest way? Play dumb and be amnesia Claire? Or confront Geneva.

 

——

 

**James.**

 

**3.55PM**

 

The phone call to Angus had been deeply disturbing and confusing. Nobody at the station had been to my house, the policeman Tina said had been here was a mystery. A faceless man.

 

Angus didn’t understand either. I tried to tell him as much as possible and he sympathized with my situation - about Claire disappearing. I couldn’t mention John and Tina and I tried to leave out that I had wanted to rampage and kill Fredrick this morning. Angus promised he would help but still if Claire left on her own, there wasn’t much to do.

 

_ “James, I love Claire,” Angus had said. “you know that. But if she has left voluntarily, it is her right.” _

 

I had screamed at him at the phone and demanded that we put out a search warrant. As my friend, so politely as Angus had said, he promised he would do everything he that could but still, there were protocols. It wasn’t legal to track down a runaway bride. For all they know, I could be an abusing husband who was seeking vengeance. I understood but I wasn’t abusive or cruel, I just wanted my family back.

 

I felt hollow. 

 

Maybe I was the one who was crazy? Maybe she did leave on her own. In Claire perspective, she may be truly believing that I killed Frederick, and then lied about it. That I made it look like an accident.

 

_ No _ .

 

This wasn’t happening.

 

“What are you thinking?” Tina asked. She was stubborn and had never been afraid of my shouting or outbursts. She was refusing to leave me be and deep inside, I was grateful for it, for her.

 

“Whoever who has been listening,” I sighed. “Maybe they are playing a part in this?”

 

“John,” Tina said. “Even if Claire left her phone, maybe you can track her down?”

 

“I’m on it.” John quickly replied. “James, we will find them.”

 

When John left the room I looked back at Tina.

 

“Do ye think she left?” I asked low. “On her own?”

 

I had to ask, even if I wanted to believe Claire never would leave like this, the evidence right now pointed to that it was a possibility that Claire truly had left on her own. It broke my heart like never before.

 

After everything happening between us, all the arguments and fighting. What if this was the last straw for her? She couldn’t forgive this? Even if I hadn’t done it. If she believed it...

 

“Honestly?” Tina asked and I nodded. “A huge part of me thinks it’s impossible, but still, I have doubts.”

 

“Me too,” I admitted. “What do I do if she did?”

 

I fell silent and looked down on my hands, I hadn’t noticed that I was shaking and I tried to steady them. 

 

“If she did leave on her own. You go after her. It’s simple, you didn’t do it, you have done nothing wrong.”

 

“But I prayed to God, I prayed for this, for him to die. Doesn’t that make me responsible?”

 

“When Jeremy died,” Tina said low and my heart tightened. “I prayed for him to come back, he didn’t. Don’t put your faith in God, his power is not world-altering and he doesn’t act on your wishes. His name, his existence is a comfort for man, nothing else.”

 

“I didn’t know you were religious.”

 

“Don’t tell anyone.”

 

“Yer secret is safe with me.”

 

“Don’t blame yourself, Jamie.”

 

I knew Tina didn’t just mean Claire, but for Jeremy, for his death. 

 

_ His death wasn’t my fault. _

 

“Claire told me, before this happened, that you wanted us to leave.”

 

I felt ashamed, I couldn’t really look at her but I forced myself to. 

 

“Aye.”

 

“Will you let us stay until you find her?”

 

“I would be thankful for it. But I don’t deserve it.”

 

“There you go again, why do you do it?”

 

“Do what?”

 

“Discredit yourself,” Tina said. “I came here and disrupted your life, Jamie and you have shown me so much kindness, letting us stay for days even if the consequences.. I know you didn’t want us here but you still let us. We, both me and John are so grateful.”

 

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t do more.”

 

“You maybe don’t realize it, but you have done more than you ever could have. I will never forget this.”

 

I felt ashamed again. Somewhere in this mess, I had forgotten how much I liked Tina, she was a friend and I had treated her so badly. I really didn’t deserve her warm and kind words. Since she came here, all I had done was to try to get rid of them.

 

“If it’s a boy,” Tina said and placed her hand on top of her stomach, I hadn’t even noticed how pregnant she was, her little bump was far more visible than Claire was. “I’m naming him Jeremy.”

 

“It is a fine name.” I smiled. “He will do greatness, I’m sure. Just like his namesake.”

 

“My biggest regret will always be that I never told him that I loved him.”

 

“Why didn’t ye?”

 

“Look at me,” Tina laughed and pointed to the tattoos on her forehead and neck. “We were different. He was too posh, or so I thought. I wanted silence. I wanted to stay dark and when I was around Jeremy, he changed me and it wasn’t until he was gone I realized that I wanted the change.”

 

“And John?”

 

“It’s different. He makes me believe in the good again, just like Jeremy, but differently.”

 

“Different is good.”

 

“It’s is.”

 

“James.” John walked into the kitchen and placed his laptop on the table. “Look, Claire has booked plane tickets, for her and Ellen. The plan leaves in thirty minutes.”

 

“Where?” I flew up from my chair. 

 

“Edinburgh airport. Flight 1026 to Cape Verde. Gate 10.”

 

_ 17 minutes to the airport, maybe I’ll make it? _

 

I ran out the door and jumped into my car. I drove like a madman, my heart beating frantically. I was going to make it.

  
  


——

 

**Claire.**

 

“I’m so sorry about Frederick,” Geneva said, sympathetic. “Must have been so hard to hear that James killed him.”

 

Evidently, Geneva only proved over and over again that she was the one in fact who had been listening. Who had placed the cameras in her house.

 

“He didn’t do it,” Claire answered calmly. “I know he didn’t.”

 

“Take my word for it, love. I saw it.”

 

_ Liar. _

 

“And how would you know?”

 

“Don’t be mad, I was scared for you. I have been keeping an eye out for you.”

 

_ I knew it. _

 

“So all of this,” Claire looked around her fake bedroom. “Is for my protection?”

 

“Yes. I built this for you, for us.”

 

“Looks like a prison.”

 

“That’s for your safety. So nobody can get inside.”

 

“So I can't  _ leave _ , you mean.”

 

“Why would you want to leave?” Geneva looked puzzled. 

 

Claire was doing her very best to keep a straight face, to stay in her role in the oblivious, amnesia act she was playing but Geneva was more deranged that she thought. She actually thought this was sane? That she was the good guy? 

 

“Why did you lie?” Claire asked. “Why did you pretend you didn’t know me back in New York then?”

 

“I was protecting you, we have been friends for a long time. Frank may have been dangerous but not as James.” Geneva was convincing. “I know how he is. You may not remember but you told me about his abusive behavior when you were married so when I saw you, I understood that you had lost your memory and, I was just so relieved that you had forgotten him. I wanted to start over, for both our sakes.”

 

_ Lies. Lies.  _

 

It was unbelievable how convincing Geneva was, if this had been the story she had played out in the beginning, in New York, Claire probably would have believed her. But she wasn’t Katie anymore and Claire only wanted to kill her.  _ How stupid can she be?  _

 

“So we were friends all along?” Claire asked even though she knew it was a lie. She remembered, they stopped being friends ten years ago. 

 

“Yes, of course. We have known each other our whole lives, from cradle to grave. That was our motto, don’t you remember?”

 

Claire did remember that. But that was before, before Geneva killed Mary and ruined everything. 

 

“No, sorry.” Claire lied. “But if we have known each other all this time? Why didn’t Jamie know who you were back in New York?”

 

“He did. He only pretended he didn’t.”

 

_ Lies. So many lies. _

 

It was outrageous how much Geneva was lying and Claire wondered if Geneva herself actually believed all of this. 

 

“What’s going to happen now?” Claire asked and that’s when Benjamin walked into the room. He wasn’t wearing a uniform anymore but he scared Claire something terrible, she scooted closer to her sleeping daughter - to protect her if necessary.

 

“We can, finally, be a family again.” Geneva looked blissfully at her - like it was a romance movie where the characters finally got to be together in the end. 

 

That made Claire nauseous and her “secret” the pregnancy started to get its toll and she quickly searched the room for something to throw up in, in the corner- like in her real room - was a laundry basket. She walked over to it and threw up.

 

“Are you sick?” Geneva asked worried, making it worse.

 

“Yes.” Claire lies and wiped her mouth with her sleeve. “I am.”

 

“What’s wrong with you?” 

 

Geneva moved away from the door, closer to her. But Claire avoided her and walked back to her daughter on the bed. 

 

“Brain damage, remember?” 

 

Claire suddenly thought of a new plan, If Geneva truly cared for her, maybe she would take her to the hospital if it came to her health. 

 

“You never threw up in New York?”

 

“I’m getting worse. Joe, my doctor have me on a strict schedule with my appointments.  _ Only _ his treatments will make me better. Or else, it is a small possibility that I’ll die.”

 

“Oh god. Claire, I’m so sorry. I’ll get you a doctor as soon as you have settled in.”

 

_ No.  _

 

“You can’t be serious? We are not staying here. I want to go home.”

 

“It’s just temporary, when the time comes, we will move, all of us.”

 

“Geneva, I’m a grown woman, I can take care of myself.”

 

“I know you can. But I  _ want _ to take care of you. That’s what family is for.”

 

“Jamie is my family.” 

 

“Stop it!” Geneva raised her voice. “Aren’t you listening. James is dangerous and a murderer!”

 

This charade had gone on for too long, Claire couldn’t take it. She was already sick of playing.

 

“So are you.” Claire stared Geneva down. “Don’t you remember Mary?”

 

Geneva narrowed her eyes, clenched her jaw and then she relaxed again.

 

“It’s not the same thing.” Geneva simply said. 

 

“What’s the difference? You are claiming that Jamie killed Frederick, which I know is a bloody lie.”

 

“It’s off-putting how easily you have been brainwashed by all these men, Claire.”

 

“Are you kidding me? How delusional are you?! You played as equally with that game, Geneva. You and Frank are the real villains in this.”

 

“How dare you? I have done nothing but loved you.”

 

“This, is not love.”

 

“From the moment I met you, I have done nothing but taken care of you!”

 

“Please, I took care of you.” Claire shouted. “Your own parents didn’t want you, even love you. My family took you in and treated you with kindness. You are just a spoiled, crazy woman who doesn’t know what’s real anymore.”

 

“I guess your memory has improved then?” Geneva remarked. “You remember again?”

 

_ Fuck. _

 

“I remember enough.”

 

“And still, you don’t remember how badly Jamie treated you.”

 

“Cut the crap, Geneva. That’s your own imagination. I know Jamie.”

 

“Who is delusional now?”

 

Claire sighed loudly, it was like talking to a brick wall. Geneva was too, deep in her own lies, it didn’t matter what she said. She truly believed her own lies.

 

“Give it time,” Geneva smiled. “You will understand and know that this is for the best.”

 

“I want to go home.”

 

“This your home now.” 

 

Geneva walked out of door, Benjamin followed her and looked door behind them.

 

_ This isn’t happening. _

 

Claire broke down into tears and laid down next to her daughter.

 

_ - _

 

**James.**

 

**4.24PM**

 

At the airport. I had just minutes to go and I showed my badge at the security and then, I ran, like the devil himself was chasing me.

 

_ Gate 10. _

 

“Open the doors.” I shouted to the flight attendant. But behind her, through the big glass windows I could see the plane already slowly driving away.

 

“I’m sorry, sir.” The flight attendant answered. “Ye are too, late, the plane has already left. No more boardings.”

 

I reached down into my jacked pocked and fished up my police badge.

 

“Detective James Fraser, I order ye to stop the plane, right now.” 

 

The flight attendant looked at the badge and then back at me, she looked scared and I understood her, I probably looked like a madman. She quickly started to call someone and I let out a deep breath of relief.

 

I impatiently waited until she hung up the phone.

 

“Detective,” The flight attendant opened the door next to her. “The tower has told the plane to stop, ye can go through here.”

 

“I thank ye, truly.”

 

I probably broke more than one rules while doing this but I didn’t care.

 

The cold wind hit my face when I walked outside and everything felt lighter the closer I got to the plane. 

 

An surprised steward stood ready and waited on top of the stairs of the plane and I walked up.

 

The poor passengers looked scared when I climbed on board and started walking down the crowded isle, desperately searching for Claire and Ellen.

 

When I got to the front of the plane, i was confused, they were not there. 

 

“Sir?” Another steward came up to me. “How can I help?”

 

“I’m looking for two passengers, Ellen and Claire Fraser.”

 

“Wait.” He said and took up a list from his back pocket and started looking for their names. 

 

“I’m sorry, but they never checked in.”

 

“Are ye sure?” I asked dumbly, I, myself had just searched the plane, they weren’t here.”

 

“Yes, seat 3A and 3B, are empty.”

 

—-

 

**Claire.**

 

“Geneva.” Claire shouted and knocked hard on the door. Ellen was awake now, sitting on her hips, still unaware of the nightmare they were in, thankfully.

 

Fast and loud footsteps came closer and Claire backed away. They steps were too, heavy for a woman - Benjamin.

 

The door opened and Benjamin walked inside. Claire wasn’t sure how it was possible for him to look scarier each time she saw him.

 

“What?”

 

“My daughter is hungry.” Claire replied and she was relieved that Ellen didn’t seem scared of the deranged man in front of them.

 

“Come with me.” Benjamin grunted irritated and to her surprise he walked out the room, leaving the door open and she followed him.

 

The hallway to the stairs were shorter than the one in her own house. Claire stopped abruptly by the first door next to the stairs and her mouth fell open in shook. It was a children’s room, an exact replica of Ellen’s room. It was sickening and she felt nauseous again. Geneva truly has outdone her craziness.

 

“Claire.” Hearing Benjamin say her name for the first time was even worse, he said it with such disgust and hatred. “The kitchen is downstairs. Let’s go.”

 

For a second, Claire closed her eyes. She knew exactly how this said kitchen looked like - White tiles. White cabinets doors. Marmor zink. Grey kitchen towels. A huge, round wooden table with matching chairs. She wouldn’t be surprised if the table even had the same yellow tablecloth. 

 

_ My home _ . Claire have alway loved her house, but now - Geneva had ruined it. Every and single furniture she had picked out with Jamie, was infected with her insanity. 

 

As predicted, the kitchen looked identical to her own, even with the yellow tablecloth. But the window were just like the bedroom, replaced with monitors showing pre-recorded videos. 

 

This was madness.

 

Benjamin stood by the door, standing stiff and straight like a guard, maybe like a military? He didn’t look at her and for that she was glad. 

 

Claire refused to let go of Ellen, even with how tricky it was to cock with a one year old on her hip, she tried her best. 

 

It was surreal. To stand in a room that looked like her home, a place she once felt so safe and now only felt like the opposite, a fearful prison.

 

Claire looked at her daughter and she feared they actually would die in here. Forever trapped in an nightmare.

 

_ No. _

 

In a time of desperation or in dangerous situations, the human body responds by planning an escape or how to save itself. But a mother, always thinks about their children. They always puts the mask over the children first in a crisis. Always. 

 

Claire decided then, her life wasn’t meaningful but her daughter’s was. Even if it killed her, she would see to it, her daughter was going to make it. 

 

Claire would trade her own life for Ellen’s.

 

_ I got you, baby. _

 

——

 

**Jamie.**

 

**4.49PM**

 

Defeatedly, I sat in my car, still parked outside the airports entrance. It had been all for nothing, Claire wasn’t here. Ellen wasn’t here.

 

Nothing made sense. Why had she booked the tickets? Why wasn’t she on the plane?

 

I had two options now.

 

  1. Claire actually left and decided to leave the country, but then changed her mind?
  2. Someone else booked the tickets in Claire’s name to trick me?



 

Both options were validated and felt truthfully.

 

My phone started ringing and I sighed loudly when I saw my boss name on the display. 

 

“Fraser.” 

 

I answered the call even if I didn’t want to.

 

“Where the hell are ye?” Alec shouted. “I haven’t given ye permission to go home.”

 

“I had a family emergency.”

 

“I heard. But I dinna care, if yer wife wants to leave ye, that’s not an emergency.”

 

“My wife didn’t leave me.” I shouted back at him.

 

“Then why did a woman called Jessica Jones stop my the station with signed divorce papers? Get yer ass here or yer will be downgraded to the archives.”

 

_ What? Divorce papers? _

 

Alec hung up in my ear in and I dramatically thru the phone hard into the passenger window, a small crack was heard, maybe it was the window or my phone display, I didn’t care. How I hated that man.

 

_ Who the fuck is Jessica Jones? _

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After this chapter, some positive things will happen. I know this story is dark but just bear with me. Hang on and buckle up. ❤️


	14. Be Brave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m back! It has been a few weeks even months? I have been struggling with some personal stuff but I’m recovering and trying. Hopefully this will be the breakthrough when it come to my writers block. 
> 
> Thank you all who as asked about this story and I hope there are some of you left to read it. Multiple thanks and love to @purpleheatherdrem for beta this chapter.
> 
> I’m so nervous. I hope you like it.

**Geneva.**

She dropped the divorce papers off at the police station, thankfully James wasn’t there to recognize her. Everything was going just right. Geneva’s plan had worked out perfectly and now, Claire was  _ home _ . 

 

Even though Geneva had felt betrayed before, she knew deep down in her heart that Claire was going to love the life Geneva had planned for them. They could finally be the family she had dreamed of. Geneva felt like she was  on  cloud nine, flying weightless on puffy and pink clouds. Pure satisfaction. Just a few weeks left in this cold and depressing country before they could start over in a warmer and  more  humid place. She still hadn’t decided where, but anyplace other than Scotland would be fine.  _ Barbados, Jamaica,  _ _ the  _ _ Dominican  _ _ Republic  _ _ or maybe  _ _ t _ _ he Maldives. _

 

When Geneva came back to her house, she found her new ly started family in the kitchen. Benji stood by the door and Claire sat by the dining table feeding Ellen. She stopped next to Benji and just took the sight in, then smiled and took a deep breath. 

 

_ Marvelous _ .  _ Just marvelous. _

 

“How wonderful to see that little Ellen is finally awake.” Geneva walked over to them and then hunched down to  be eye level with Ellen. 

 

“Hi, beautiful angel, do you remember me? I’m your  A untie Gen.”

 

Geneva caressed her cheek and smiled but Ellen didn’t answer, she just looked at her with her big, bright blue eyes and for the first time, Geneva found herself feeling differently about her. 

 

Ellen looked like Jamie. Too much like him.

 

Maybe Geneva had dreamt about this moment, and unconsciously imagined a different child - Lucas - her child instead. The dead baby boy who never got to see the light of day, or anything that is. Her grief w as  once again catching up on her and she felt the weight of loss and anger pressing  down .

 

A cold shiver ran down her spine as she looked at the little girl and, to her surprise, she started to feel a bittersweet resentment. 

 

Why  was this child alive while hers was dead? 

 

This was not the child she had imagined. 

 

“Geneva,” Claire said quietly. Her soft voice brought Geneva back to reality and she immediately felt better when she refocused on Claire. 

 

Geneva smiled at her. 

 

“Yes, love?”

 

“I will do anything,” Claire said, pleading. “Absolutely anything you ask, but I beg you- spare my daughter. Let her go back to Jamie!”

 

Geneva frowned, confused by Claire’s request.

 

“Why would you want that?” 

 

“If we are going to give this an honest chance. You and me.” Claire said. “We need a new start, without anything that reminds either of us of the life we had before.”

 

_ She wants me. Us. Together. To start over. _

 

“Oh Claire.” Geneva felt lighter and so happy that she almost kissed her then and there. “Do you really mean that?”

 

“Of course. But it would be better for Ellen to be with her father then, don’t you agree?”

 

Claire was right. It would be better. Maybe even Jamie would stop if he got his daughter back? He obviously didn’t love Claire enough, maybe he would let them be? Geneva wondered. 

 

The idea grew on her. But she still wanted a child.

 

Maybe there was another way they could get one? Maybe Benji? He could impregnate one of them? Geneva thought to herself. It was obvious that Claire wasn’t very fond of her own daughter either. Who would willingly leave a child if you loved it?

 

“Alright!” Geneva finally said. “But on two conditions!”

 

“Anything. What?”

 

“You need to make sure,” Geneva answered, “that Jamie fully understands that you  _ don’t _ want to be with him. That he needs to stop looking for you after you give Ellen to him.”

 

Claire looked at her with tears in her eyes and then back at Ellen. Geneva didn’t understand, why was Claire sad? Everything was going to be better now. It was her plan after all.

 

“What is the second condition?”

 

“I need some reassurance, so I know I can trust you.”

 

“Okay?” Claire answered and looked back at Geneva. 

 

“I need Benji to hit you.”

 

“What?” Claire’s eyes widened and she looked absolutely terrified as she sat there staring at her.

 

“Yes,” Geneva answered calmly. “So if I need it, I will have ‘proof’ that Jamie is an abus ive husband.”

 

“But he isn’t!” Claire cried out.

 

“The social workers will believe it. I just don’t want you to act foolish, my love. Don’t worry, Benji is ex military, he knows how do bruise without hurting you too badly.”

 

“I don’t get it. Why?” Claire’s voice sounded weaker. “Why do es he need to hit me?”

 

“I need photo evidence. Just in case.”

 

A moment of silence. A long silence.

 

”Alright,” Claire agreed. “But I don’t want Ellen to see this.”

 

_ Trust _ .

“Well done Claire.”

 

Geneva started applauding.

 

“What?” Claire stared at her, looking dumbfounded and just adorable.

 

“Do you really think I would let anyone harm you?” Geneva said softly. “No, of course not. Benji is not going to hit you silly, I was just curious if you trusted me.”

 

Geneva smiled and thought of the idea anyway. Mr.Franklin, her genius sidekick, could easily photoshop some marks and bruises if it came to that. 

 

Claire had earned her trust, she finally saw it for how it was. They belonged together.

 

-

 

**31 December- 2012**

New Years Eve.

**Claire.**

 

_ 3,2,1 _

 

_ Looking deeply into Jamie’s eyes, she saw the reflections of fireworks, but the loud bangs w _ _ ere _ _ slowly fading. Standing by Edinburgh Castle, Claire only saw him. _

 

_ “Happy new year.” Jamie smiled at her. _

 

_ “Happy new year,” Claire repeated softly. _

 

_ Jamie leaned down and his warm lips met hers. He tasted  _ _ like  _ _ champagne. Claire wrapped her arms around his neck and deepened their kiss. _

 

_ “This is my first new year’s kiss,” Claire admitted and smiled. _

 

_ “Ye will be my last,” Jamie replied softly and kissed her again. _

 

_ It was such a cliche- all of it, them- and Claire loved it. Every second of it. Born  _ _ i _ _ n different places in the world, two people out of billions and here they were, together. _

 

_ Forever. _

 

_ “Any resolutions?” Jamie asked and started leading her away from the big crowd. _

 

_ “I don’t think I ever had had any before. Do you have one?” _

 

_ “Aye, more than one.” _

 

_ “Do tell.” _

 

_ “First, I’m going to marry ye this year.” Jamie said proudly. _

 

_ “That can’t be a resolution.” Claire laughed. “Isn’t the whole point to do something you over and over promised yourself the last year?” _

 

_ “Aye, and that is true. I promised myself that I was going to marry ye since the moment I met ye, last year.” _

 

_ Claire laughed out loud again and looked at her phone - 12 _ _ :10AM _

 

_ “You have only been in 2013 for approximately ten minutes.” _

 

_ “Aye? The seconds are passing too slow, I want to marry ye already.” _

 

_ “A few more days.”  _

 

_ They stopped in the middle of the street, far far away from the castle but the music and joyful cheers could still be heard  _ _ in _ _ the distance. _

 

_ “I can change my last name, if ye want,” Jamie suddenly said. Claire saw that he really meant it but it wasn’t really what she wanted. “To Beauchamp.” _

 

_ “Why do you want to do that?” _

 

_ “Out of respect. I can’t ask yer father for yer hand, I guess i just thought it would be a good compromise.” _

 

_ “I’m sure my father would approve you. My mother would be skeptical, but she would come around.” Claire smiled. “I would love to bear your name, Jamie. I promise, I want to be Mrs. Fraser.” _

 

_ “But don’t ye feel like yer abandoning yer heritage?” _

 

_ “No. What heritage? I’m all alone.” _

 

_ “Aye, I know. I just thought of what ye said - to honor their memory.” _

 

_ “I have my mother’s eyes and my father _ _ ’s _ _ features. I look at myself in the mirror and I see them. I don’t need to keep my last name. You are my something new, and your last name will be my something old.”  _

 

_ “And yer something blue?” _

 

_ “The corny answered would be your eyes.” _

 

_ “What is the non-corny answer?” _

 

_“I have blue striped panties at home,_ _do_ _those_ _count?”_

 

_ “Aye.” Jamie gave her a lopsided smile. “T _ _ hose _ _ definitely count.” _

 

_ - _

 

**James.**

 

Driving on my way back to the station, my phone started ringing. I just thought it was Alec calling again or maybe Angus, so I ignored it.

 

But by the third time I reached over to the passenger seat and grabbed my phone and it said  _ Unknown Number _ on the screen.

 

“Fraser.” I answered the call.

 

“Jamie.” Claire’s voice and I hit the brakes in the middle of the street. Like a madman. 

 

“Claire? Are you okay? Where are you?”

 

Multiple cars drove past me and honked their cars in fury and I just looked at back at them as they pointed fingers at me. Frankly, I didn’t care, I just impatiently waited for Claire to speak. I only heard her breathing coming in short.

 

“Claire?” 

 

“I’m fine.” Claire finally answered, she sounded stiff. “We are fine. Can we meet somewhere?”

 

“Sure, wherever.” I quickly replied. “Where are you?”

 

“Meet me in twenty minutes, Grassmarket.”

 

My palms felt sweaty and I took her strange behavior as anger. It was obvious now that she had written the letter and left me. Did she really think I did it?

 

“Claire? What’s going on? You know that I didn’t kill Fredrick? Right?”

 

“Twenty minutes, Jamie.” 

 

Claire hung up the phone.

 

I wasn’t sure what was going on but I was relieved that Claire had at least had called and wanted to meet me. But I was so still so confused and conflicted that she had booked flight tickets. That someone had dropped off divorce papers.

 

She had sounded so stressed and cold but I hoped  that if I just could see her and tell her the truth, everything was going to be okay. Oh God, I hoped it w ould .

 

**18 minutes later.**

 

Standing outside of a pub - The White Rein - I felt impatient waiting for Claire and hopefully Ellen as well.

 

That huge lump in my stomach was growing each second. The fact that Claire had called, ruled out that she had been forced to go. She had voluntarily left me and taken our daughter with her. That hurt. More than anything.

 

_ There. _ Claire walked around the corner, carrying Ellen in her arms and she were searching the crowd for me. I was just about to wave and shout out her name when I saw her face expression - she looked scared.

 

It made me react immediately and I observed Claire as she looked for me, what made me react the most was the fact that she was over and over again looking over her shoulder. 

 

_ Was there someone else there? Someone watching? _

 

My detective instincts were kicking in, screaming that something was off. So very off. 

 

Suddenly, Claire spotted me, a second of relief was noticed in her face then it was gone and she looked expressionless. 

 

_ What’s going on? _ I wondered and felt the heavyweight of distress.

 

“Dada.” Ellen smiled when she saw me, stretched her arms out and Claire silently handed her over to me. The weight of my daughter in my arms, it felt like I could breathe again.

 

Claire quickly backed away from us, visible tears welling up in her eyes. She didn’t say anything.

 

“Claire? Please, just tell me what’s going on. Ye know I didn’t do it.”

 

“Take care of her.” 

 

“What?”

 

“I’m going away, it wouldn’t be right to take Ellen with me. That’s why I didn’t board the plane.”

 

“Why are ye leaving me?”

 

“It’s too, depressing. I just can’t live like this.”

 

“Depressing? I know it has been hard for us, but we are getting through this, Claire.”

 

“This is how I am. I run away when things get difficult.”

 

Something was wrong. Her tone of voice was cold.

 

“ Is someone forcing ye?” 

 

“Nobody. This is all me.”

 

“So now what? Ye are leaving your daughter?”

 

“Yes, she will be better of f with you.  _ Safe _ .”

 

Claire blinked hard, not once - but three times and tears ran down her cheeks. I didn’t know if she was doing it deliberately but I took it as sign. 

 

_ Safe.  _ Her choice of word. 

 

“I need to go. Please,  _ don’t _ follow me Jamie.”

 

I didn’t believe a word Claire was saying. She was convincing but I had learned my lesson in the basement. I took a step forward and she shr unk back, but I didn’t care. I took her in my arms hard and leaned down and whispered into her ear.   
  
“As long as your heart beats, ye are mine. If ye doubt my love, feel yer heart and know that mine, too, beats for ye.”   
  
Claire made a sobbing sound but remained stiff in my embrace.   
  
“I will find ye.”   
  


And just like that, Claire was gone.

  
  


**5.05PM**

 

When I came home, I found a small note in Ellen’s jacket. 

  
  


——

 

_ Ellen. _

_ I’m sorry. But remember, We are forever. When the  _ **_g_ ** _ reen l _ **_e_ ** _ aves retur _ **_n_ ** _ s in the spring, plant some flow _ **_e_ ** _ rs,  _ maybe  **_V_ ** _ iolets? m _ **_a_ ** _ ma’s favourite. Listen to your dad and always be brave. _

_ I love you! _

 

——-

 

Some letters were written harder, like they had been written more than once. I turned on the lights and spelled it out in my head.

 

**G-E-N-E-V-A**

 

Claire had left me a clue.  _ Good girl. _

 

Now, the question was - how, why, and when Geneva was released from the institution? 

 

“Mama.” Ellen looked at me with big blue eyes and I got down on my knees and hugged her hard. I wiped away  my tears before I looked at her again.

 

“Mama will come home soon, I  _ promise _ . Daddy is going to find her.” I took her little hand in mine. “And during that time, it think it’s best if ye stay with Auntie Jenny. Okay?”

 

Ellen looked at me, she had no idea what I was saying but she smiled when I said Jenny’s name. 

 

It was all for the best. I need ed to solve this quickly and find Claire. 

 

-

 

**Claire.**

 

Locked inside of her “bedroom” Claire tried her best not to cry. It had been awful leaving Ellen and even worse to say all those things to Jamie, but she had to - Geneva had wired her, listening to every single word  Claire said.

 

_ “You weren’t convincing enough,” Geneva had said, irritated, when Claire got back in the car. “He didn’t believe you. Why are you doing this? You said you wanted to be with me, _ _ to _ _ start over. Oh, Claire, now I need to fix your mess.” _

 

The funny thing was that Benjamin and Geneva’s lie - that Jamie currently was in custody for the murder of Frederick - bursted when they allowed her to meet him. 

 

_ Amateurs. _

 

Hopefully, Jamie had found the letter by now and figured out who had her. 

 

Claire had  been so relieved when Geneva agreed to let her write that note and she had even read it herself - idiot. Geneva may have operated this whole thing and gotten away with it, but she wasn’t that clever.

 

But this was her punishment as Geneva so politely had stated, to be locked away - again. 

 

Geneva wasn’t pleased with her performance with Jamie, but after what happened in Frank's basement, Claire didn’t dare to take it too far and she really didn’t care what the consequences w ere , Ellen was safe with Jamie now. 

 

_ One baby saved. _

 

Claire rested her hand on her flat stomach.

 

“You will be alright, mama will make sure of it.”

 

_ One baby to go. _

 

—-

 

_ 1 January 2013 _

 

_ 2:31AM _

 

_ A new year full of opportunities and changes. Claire laid naked next to a sleeping Jamie. They seemed to have created a new love making tradition - a holiday celebration. _

 

_ If it was possible, Claire felt for the first time since her parents died, like she was whole.  _

 

_ Claire sat upright and looked out of the window and suddenly a star fell down from the sky. A fast and bright light flying downwards until it was gone, vanished into nothing. _

 

_ Even though she was too old for wishes and make believe, she closed her eyes and made a wish.  _

 

_ “Ye canna sleep?” Jamie whispered. _

 

_ Claire  _ _ was  _ _ caught and  _ _ felt  _ _ a bit embarrassed. She opened her eyes slowly and peeked back at him. _

 

_ “No,” she admitted.  _

 

_ “Is there something troubling ye?”  _

 

_ “No, I just couldn’t sleep.”  _

 

_ Claire laid down again and Jamie pulled her closer. His chest felt warm under her cold hand. His heart beating - soothing - and she hoped her wish would come true - A fairy tale life, a long and healthy life filled with joy and a d _ _ ozen _ _ children.  _

 

_ “What were ye thinking of?” _

 

_ “You.”  _

 

_ Claire closed her eyes and kissed him softly. _

 

_ “Tell me something I don’t know about ye.” _

 

_ “I’ll tell you three things.” Claire laughed. “Two truths and one lie.” _

 

_ “Alright. Hit me.” _

 

_ “I’m super allergic to cats. I can rap, and uhm, I can touch my nose with my tongue.” _

 

_ “Hmm.” Jamie looked thoughtful. “They all sound like lies, but I dinna think ye can touch yer nose, that’s impossible.” _

 

_ Claire smirked at him and sat upright. Slowly, but so victoriously, she touched the tip of her nose with her tongue. _

 

_ ”Ha.”  _

 

_ “I have to admit I’m impressed, I have never seen anyone do that.” Jamie let out a wonderful laugh. _

 

_ “It’s my little party trick.” _

 

_ “Alright, alright. Let’s see. I haven’t heard of any allergies but I don’t know if ye can rap either.” _

 

_ “Pick one, Jamie.” _

 

_ “Hmm, nope, I dinna think ye can rap.” _

 

_ “I’m sorry Mr.Fraser, but you have failed miserably.” _

 

_ “What?,” Jamie laughed even harder. “No!” _

 

_ “I love cats, definitely not allergic. I wouldn’t say I’m any good at it but I have watched 8-mile a million times and, well I learned the words in every song.” _

 

_ “Yer kidding. Prove it!” _

 

_ Claire took a deep breath and cursed to herself, why did she tell him th _ _ at _ _?  _

 

_ - _

 

**Jamie**

 

“Are ye sure about this?” Angus asked again, looking sceptical from the passenger seat.

 

“Aye, Claire spelled out Geneva’s name on a note.”

 

I focused on the road again. We had been driving for approximately six hours and were on our way to  the Vallio Institution. Each mile felt horrible because it meant I was going further away from Claire.

 

Jenny had picked up Ellen a few hours ago and  took her home to Lallybroch. It pained me to see her go, but she would be safe and that was all that mattered.

 

John and Tina could of course not leave my house, but they promised they would try to help out the best way that the could.

 

I scolded myself now - I never cared to know, or even update myself about anything  in volving Geneva or what really happened to her after the trial. All I knew was that she got what she deserved when Jenny and Claire testified against her in court, and when we moved back home to Scotland I tried to help Claire “move on”.  W e both wanted to leave the Geneva-gate behind and that was probably my biggest mistake.

 

After looking into the dreadful Geneva Dunsany, I was shocked when I found out that she was declared dead a few months ago. But taking inconsideration with Claire’s note, it was obvious a big bloody lie or so I hoped. That was my only clue.

 

The convenience that both Geneva and our victim’s sister, Isadora, had  been  sentenced to the same place was probably just a coincidence and Angus suggested we could solve our case and find Claire at the same time. But my focus was purely on finding my wife again.

 

This whole thing only reminded me of New York, the unexpected connection Claire had with my case back then and I prayed to God that the outcome this time would be different. That nobody I loved died in the process.

 

Finally arriving at the big iron gates  of the Vallio Institution, I felt a shiver  go down my spine. The old buildings made me think of old horror movies and I hated thrillers. I had done my research - this place only had the most sick and disturbed patients. 

 

Stepping out of the car I wondered about how Claire was doing, how she was feeling and if she was scared. Her pregnancy with Ellen had been easy but this time around, she was constantly nauseous and even though she was eating, she was looking paler and thinner. 

 

Did her captors (Geneva?) know that she was pregnant? Were they feeding her? Was Claire stressed? All these questions were eating  me up. When I thought of it I remembered I hadn’t slept or eaten since her disappearance. My headache was tolerable but still, I was getting more and more unfocused and irritated. 

 

If anything happened to Claire or the baby, I would turn the whole world on fire. Burn every damn person who was involved and watch them die. 

 

_ Tick, tock, tick,  _ _ tock _ _.  _

 

We walked inside and I was relieved that the interior was more modern than the outside and the horror feeling I had felt transformed  to reflect what it was, a hospital. The walls were plain white and blue simple chairs st ood next to the reception, but my eyes  became stuck on the black piano in the far end of the door. 

 

This was not the place I wanted to reminisce about anything but I did. I thought of my mother.

 

**23 April 2013**

 

_ When does it end? The loss and the pain of losing someone. _

 

_ 12 _ _ :05 AM  _

 

_ A new day. It was now the anniversary of my mother’s death and I couldn’t sleep. I just laid there, staring up the ceiling, next to Claire as she slept and I wished I could join her in the land of dreams. Be anywhere but here.  _

 

_ My mother had been one of the most important people in my life, of course she had. Our relationship had been so close and loving. Not that my father wasn’t as important but sometimes, you miss someone more as the days go and today, it was her. I missed her so much I thought I would start crying and never stop. _

 

_Meeting_ _Claire had been life altering, in every single way but one thing I appreciated the most was how she comforted me when I struggled with the death of my parents as she had done when she lost hers._

 

_ It could be as simple as a gentle caress or holding my hand when she saw me silently grieving. I never had to say when or how, she just knew. Maybe it was a wife thing. _

 

_ And now I wished she would wake up and comfort me as the pain w _ _ as  _ _ increasing with every passing minute of this dreadful day. Two years. How had it already been two years?  _

 

_ If I only could see my mother's face, just talk to her for a minute or just hold her.  _

 

_ I don’t even remember what the last thing I said to her. How could I not remember that? _

 

_ Nevertheless I hoped it was - I love you. _

 

_ Our family had gone from four to three, then three to two. It had only taken months between my father’s death  _ _ and _ _ my mother’s. I tried to find comfort that they were together, wherever they were. But it also made me feel like a child sometimes, feeling angry and confused  _ _ about  _ _ how she could have left me, left us.  _

 

_ When she had stopped eating in the beginning, I tried to convince myself that it was her way of grieving and I tried to just be there. We both did, me and my sister. But after awhile I realized she was so heartbroken and beyond repair. She had said that food tasted bitterly and made her nauseous but I still tried to get her to eat something, small crackers or just small apple pieces but she still refused and refused until she was on the verge of dehydration and we needed to hospitalize her against her will.  _

 

_ After a time, we thought she was finally recovering. She even smiled and asked me to play for her. We sat side by side as I played the piano and my mother just sat there with her eyes closed and listened. It was amazing. It felt like a new beginning. But it didn’t last. _

 

_ We still don’t know if she took her own life or if she truly believed there was more people in the house that day. The flames took her. Left nothing for us to bury. Even though she saved that family. She still left me and my sister to try to live without her.  _

 

_ After laying restless in my bed for too long, I silently rose from my bed and I walked into the living room. I looked at my piano as it stood there in the corner of the room, unplayed and dusty.  _

 

_ I used to play all the time, but it had been a long time since. Almost two years. _

 

_ I sat down and opened up the lid. My fingers slowly touching the keys.  _

 

_ Maybe it was because of Claire, that I had found happiness through her or the fact that I was still handling my parents deaths “better” that I was addressing my feeling instead of suppressing them too much. I started playing and closed my eyes, my fingers knew subconsciously where to go and I smiled as heard my mother's favourite song.  _

 

_ Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder and I opened my eyes again, I never stopped playing and then Claire came to my side silently and listened as I played.  _

 

_ I wanted to talk, I wanted to tell her all about my mother and how we shared this, the music but I couldn’t speak, so I continued playing until the song ended. _

 

_ “I should be surprised that you can play piano, but I’m not.” Claire said quietly and leaned her head against my shoulder. “It’s was beautiful,” she added when I didn’t respond. _

 

_ “I wrote it  _ _ for _ _ my mother.” I answered after awhile. My voice sounded strange but we both knew it was because I was holding back tears. _

 

_ “Are you okay?” _

 

_ “With you,” I answered and kissed her forehead. “I know I will be.” _

 

_ “Play something else.” _

 

_ Without ever hav _ _ ing _ _ had the idea or even heard the tunes in my head before. I started playing a song, a love song to my wife -  _ **_Je suis à toi_ **

 

_ I am yours. _

 

—

 

I blinked hard as the memory faded, it pained me in many ways but it motivated me more than ever. My daughter wouldn’t lose her mother and I wasn’t going to lose my wife.

 

I walked towards the man sitting behind the reception counter and Angus followed, walking next to me.

 

“I’m Detective James Fraser.” I showed him my badge. “We have a few questions about a patient of yours.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos and a comment. Love you guys.


	15. Horror house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are getting closer to the end of this part of the story. The plot thickens. Always, so much love to you all. @purpleheatherdream thank you, for giving me encouragement and so much love. ❤️

**Claire**

 

_ From cradle to grave. It had been so easy to say back when they were children. B _ _ ut b _ _ est friends turn _ _ ed _ _ into nothing. _

 

When they lived in New York, there w as  nothing but friendship between them. But apparently, Geneva felt more and  Claire  just never noticed, or correction - Katie never noticed.

 

Claire, the version that who had known Geneva her whole life, knew all about the feelings Geneva had  when they were younger and obviously  _ still _ had. 

 

It had been small gestures when they were teenagers,  including  one drunk make out session for fun as they were playing truth and dare. The words  _ I love you  _ sprung out the day when Claire first accused Geneva of killing Mary at the police station back in London.

 

But “knowing” the monster behind the pretty face, Claire knew  they weren’t  real, Geneva’s feelings that is. They couldn’t be, because she wasn’t capable of loving anyone. She had no idea what the word  meant or what it felt like. 

 

Other than love, there were so many words that Geneva had absolutely no grasp o n . Consent was definitely one  of them . 

 

How long would she be here? Claire dreaded every second of being trapped with Geneva and her disfigured “little” monkey who followed its master like nothing else she had ever seen. 

 

So much fear. Too much to fear for. 

 

Benji scared her, not because he was an ex- soldier , not because of his scared face  or his tall and broad figure, but because he looked at Claire like she was somehow taking Geneva away from him. 

 

It was written in his eyes. How jealous he was.  _ For no reaso _ n. Claire never wanted Geneva.

 

If he only knew, or simply could  _ understand _ . Benji could have Geneva. Every single insane part of her. Claire just wanted to go home  and b e with her husband and daughter.

 

_ If I stay here, I will die. _ Claire thought. Some part of her would die if she didn’t get out of this mad house. Who knew what would happen. Geneva was crazy, a sociopath and a murder.

 

Too much damage had already been done. Claire was determined, she was going to escape. She had to. Whatever it took, she was going to get out. She still had  _ one more child _ to protect. 

 

_ Hang on there little baby. _

 

Maybe if she hadn’t been pregnant, she would have acted differently. Been more aggressive, just been  _ more _ .

 

But if she was going to make it, she had to play her cards right. Play Geneva right.

 

First things first.  **Eliminate Benji.**

 

And how? She had already admitted to remembering some  things and also stupidly accused Geneva of being mentally unstable. She needed to fix it. Convince Geneva. Trick her. Make her choose her over Benji. 

 

_ I’m going to survive. I have to. For them. For us. _

 

It was so claustrophobic to be locked into this room. Identical to a room she  had  once felt safe  in . Where she had loved and been loved. 

 

The bed, where she had slept with Jamie. Where he always held her.  _ Oh god. _ What she would do to have him  there .

 

_ This isn’t home,  _ she tried to remind herself  in order to not let her loving memories be ruined. 

 

Even though she tried to convince herself that  it was a different room,  t ears fell down as she looked around. How many hours had she spent to make her home theirs. To give them a sacred place after  _ everything _ they had been through and in just a few disturbing decisions, Geneva so easily ruined th at as well.

 

So much anger. She hated Geneva for violating her and her life. 

 

_ I can’t.  _ She needed to get out of the room. It’s walls felt smaller and smaller. Making it harder to breath. The re was a lump in her throat and more tears threatening to fall. 

 

_ I need to get out. _

 

The biggest surprise was that the door wasn’t even locked anymore. Why wasn’t it? 

 

It couldn’t be that Geneva already trusted her, or could it?

 

Claire took a second to compose herself and wiped away her tears before she opened the door. 

 

The hallway was empty. The whole house sounded quite and that made her uncomfortable. Where were they? 

 

The house wasn’t build exactly like hers. That wasn’t really a comfort but somehow it made her feel better knowing it felt less  like  hers and it made it more realistic,  making  her remember that she couldn’t fall for the illusion. This was nothing but a prison disguised as her home.

 

The stairs creaked as she walked down even though she was light on her feet. It would be impossible to sneak down without being heard. 

 

She embraced the internal voice she heard whispering inside her. Jamie’s voice. Reminding her to remember that the stairs maybe would be an obstacle in the future when she, if possible,  w ould escape. 

 

She tried remembering the steps she had taken. Maybe if she walked further to the right, it wouldn’t creak as much.

 

Claire smiled to herself. She had been living with a detective for so long she actually had developed a nature  for having an eye for details. Maybe she should write a book -  _ How to Become an Expert in Escaping- Marry a Detective. _

 

_ Jamie. Ellen. _

 

It was impossible to think about anything but them and as Claire walked  towards the kitchen, she walked past multiple of windows with  fake  views of mountain tops and other nature images. With no connection to the outside word, she had no idea what time it was. Nothing. No light nor sunlight and it was already driving her mad.

 

She heard  Geneva’s laughter and Claire couldn’t help but roll her eyes. Oh God, how she despised that woman. 

 

“Hi love.” Geneva happily greeted Claire as she walked into the kitchen. “You hungry? I ordered pizza. It’s your favorite, pineapple.”

 

_ Maybe when I was twelve.  _ Claire thought irritated. But she couldn’t say anything about it. Instead she plastered on a smile on her face.

 

“Thank you.” She politely answered and sat down  at the dinner table. 

 

Benji didn’t even look at her. He sat with his head bent down, stuffing his mouth with more and more pizza, oily grease slowly running down his  chin , dripping to the pizza box and Claire felt her stomach howling with disgust. Without caring, she rushed towards the  s ink and threw up.

 

Apparently the baby didn’t like the smell of pizza.

 

“You okay?” Geneva sounded worried and  that made it all worse. She didn’t want to be anywhere her right now.

 

Claire hadn’t eaten in hours,  so  nothing but burning liquid coming up, making her throat burn.

 

“I told you.” Claire wiped her mouth. “I’m sick.”

 

There was no way she was going to tell Geneva about the pregnancy, she needed to continue with her lies. Play the sick card to make Geneva feel... well, anything remotely close to sympathy.

 

“What can I do?” Geneva asked as she stroked her back. 

 

“Take me to the hospital.”

 

“You know I can’t to do that.” 

 

“Well, I guess I’ll die here then.”

 

Geneva stiffened and looked like she  was  consider ing her opinions. Claire just hoped she believed her.

 

“Who is your doctor?”

 

“Joe Abernathy.” Claire immediately regretted saying it, she didn’t want to involve Joe. He didn’t know anything about Geneva and she didn’t want him to get hurt. 

 

“I’ll see what I can do.” Geneva smiled. “Let’s get you something to eat now. I can cook whatever you want.”

 

“I’m not hungry.”

 

“Claire, you need to eat something.”

 

This wasn’t going that very well. Claire acted too much on her emotions.  _ Come on, play nice.  _

 

“You right.” Claire smiled back falsely. “Maybe I can try the pizza.”

 

“That’s my girl.”

 

Sitting by the table again, Claire tried to not look at Benji. 

 

There w ere many things Claire had stopped doing when her parents died.  Eating p ineapple pizza had been one of them. Strange how grief affects people. Something that  was her favorite turned into  it tasting like ashes. 

 

After having been quiet for awhile and Claire had managed to eat at least one slice, she finally looked at Benji.

 

“How did you two me e t?” Claire asked. 

 

Benji silently turned his head and looked at Geneva. For permission?

 

“In therapy,” Geneva answered.

 

“The mental hospital?” 

 

“Call it what you want. But yes.”

 

“How are you here?” Claire continued. “You were sentenced   to ten years.”

 

_ For killing Mary. _

 

“Good behavior.”

 

Claire wanted to roll her eyes, but she didn’t. If Geneva spoke the truth, she hated the system. 

 

“And you?” Claire looked at Benji. “Where you an inmate as well? I mean patient.” She corrected herself.

 

“No.” Benji answered, short. His jaw hardened. 

 

“If I’m supposed to be here with you two, I need the truth. I want to know what’s going on. How did you me e t?” Claire said, irritated. “What’s your relationship? Honestly.”

 

“You are right. You deserve the truth. There can’t be lies in a family.” Geneva answered. “Benji was my guard and salvation in that dreadful place. He believed me when nobody else did.”

 

Benji seemed to soften as Geneva spoke of him and he actually smiled when she reached out for his hand. Claire didn’t understand, but it was disturbing.

 

“Did you really get out for good behavior?” Claire didn’t want to believe it and  since they had told her that Benji was the guard,  he must haves done something to get her out.

 

“No. Benji helped me.”

 

_ I knew it. _

 

“How?”

 

“Well, in the eyes of the world, Geneva Dunsany is dead.” Geneva laughed. It was th e kind of laughter that came from a horror movie and Claire felt scared. 

 

“I don’t understand...”

 

“We pretended- well I staged the greatest show of my life. It was a strange sensation, pretending to die.” Geneva sounded so calm. “Benji was amazing and everyone believed him as he ‘tried’ bringing me back.”

 

Claire was speechless. 

 

“The beauty of it all  was that I had never felt more  _ free _ . I was dead and nobody questioned it.” Geneva continued. “My name, the name my godforsaken parents gave me, it never felt like mine  any way. I prefer my new name.  _ Jessica Jones _ .”

 

“But...um...how?” Claire stuttered. “Someone must have noticed? I mean, there had to  have been a body to send to the corner. I don’t…”

 

“Benji, my lovely Benji, took care of that little problem. Don’t worry, Claire. Everything is fine.”

 

“I’m not worried. I’m curious,” Claire lied. “How did you just die without anyone asking questions?”

 

Claire wanted to be sarcastic and say  _ didn’t anyone care that she died.  _

 

“I ’ll  put it like this,” Geneva spoke quietly for some reason. “My grave isn’t empty.”

 

“What does that mean?” Claire lowered her voice as well. Maybe it was the shock or that she was suddenly scared out of her mind.

 

Benji and Geneva turned to each other. If Claire hadn’t met them before and hadn’t just found out that Geneva faked her death, she would have thought they had told her a hilarious joke because  of how  they laughed.  _ They laughed? How could they? _

 

The world turned  dark . There was nothing but darkness living in this house. Whatever they were laughing about was nothing funny to a normal person. She was sure  of it .

 

“What’s wrong?” Geneva asked her, still happy from her laugh ing outburst. 

 

Claire only stared at Geneva in horror, once, or maybe  twice in her life, she had believed the woman in front of her to be kind. The way they bonded in New York had felt real, but where that woman had disappeared was a mystery. 

 

It was as if Geneva all along had been standing at a crossroad, confused  as to  where to go and sadly just turned right and took the dark out. Her eyes were dead, as was her soul. Claire barely knew how to function, sitting across  from  them. 

 

“I'm just confused and apparently missing the punchline. I just...I’m not sure what you meant. Your grave isn’t empty? What’s so funny about that?”

 

“Yellow and blue makes the perfect shade of  _ green _ .” Geneva rose from her chair and walked over to the  sink with her empty plate. “Don’t worry your little head with it, Claire.”

 

“What?” Claire frowned. “I don’t get it. What’s the deal with colors?”

 

_ Makes the perfect shade of green? _ Claire became more confused. 

 

“You won’t like the answer. Let’s just leave it. The past is the past.”

 

“Tell me!” Claire shouted, surprising herself as well as Geneva and Benji. “We said no lies and I am SICK of your games.”

 

“You want the truth?” Benji answered her, his voice matching hers in anger. “I killed another patient at Vallio. A woman named Isadora  _ Green _ , she looked so very like Gen, nobody questioned it. Nobody cared enough to ask anything. I suffocated her with her own pillow. I watched her struggle for her life until she just stopped. She was nobody of worth and nobody will miss her but she died beautifully.”

 

“I said you wouldn't like the answer.” Geneva broke the silence and looked at her.

 

_ Isadora Green. _ Claire would rememberer her name and she would make sure the world knew it too.

 

“You are monsters..” 

 

“Define monster.” Benji asked her. 

 

“You killed someone  in cold blood. Like it was nothing.”

 

“For what I heard, you killed someone as well. Does that make you a s monstrous as us, then?”

 

“What? No. It was…” Claire paused as Franks last seconds  alive before she shot him appeared. “I tried to… it’s not the same.”

 

“We are all monsters.” Benji smiled as he rose from the table with his plate. He stopped next to Claire and bent down closer and stopped near her ear. “Maybe I’m the biggest monster there is. If I w ere you,  I wouldn’t  sleep too lightly.” The threat in his whispering voice was clear. He wanted her dead. 

 

—-

 

**Jamie**

 

_ One hundred years _ , I thought. One hundred years I would spend trying to reimagine the exact colors in her eyes. 

 

Two hundred years I would imagine how her lips felt against mine. The softness and the warmth  they radiat ed .

 

Three hundred years would I replay the beautiful sound of her laughter. 

 

That much was certain. I would spend an infinity loving my wife.

 

My  _ Claire _ .

 

Some of my fondest memories of her  were from way, way, way back in the beginning. It was sometime  in the middle of the summer  of  2012\. A few months before we got engaged. Claire used to call me, asking if I wanted to see her.  _ Of course _ , I said yes every time I could. Depending on what hour of the day it was, I would  quickly clean the apartment  in a panic  before she came, only to be greeted by a sleepy Claire dragging me into the bedroom. She called it  a “Nap-date”. Meaning she was dead tried but wanted to be with me at the same time. It was love. 

 

The easiest thing in the world was to love her. 

 

**1:43 PM**

 

I don’t know what I had hoped but this wasn’t it. They - everyone at Vallio- refused to talk to either myself or Angus. This wasn’t our jurisdiction. We had no legal right to speak with anyone  in volving Geneva.

 

Like Angus tried to remind me - there was no open case against Geneva,  only Isadora Green ’s and we didn’t have a warrant for that either.

 

Frustrated out of my mind, I called my boss, hoping he would give me permission to start a new case to investigate Geneva’s “death” but there was no use. Alec only lectured, swore, and shouted at me, asking why the hell I hadn’t told him we were going to Vallio and why I thought I would get permission from him. 

 

With no care  as to if I still had a job or not, I raised hell and fury against him and screamed that my wife was missing.

 

“ _ My wife is being held  _ _ against _ _ her will and I know- I know that Geneva Dunsany is alive and has her. She is dangerous and I’m not going to gamble with Claire life. Ye hear me? _ ” I had screamed in the phone. “ _ I don’t care what or how ye do it. But ye are getting me a warrant right now.” _

 

Why Alec decided to listen and finally started to work with me, instead of against me, I didn’t care. I just knew this was a step closer to finding Claire.

 

Alec promised to do his best but said it would take a while  because he needed to contact Thames Valley Police. Berkshire was their jurisdiction not ours.

 

Time felt painful.

 

Berkshire wasn’t that far from London, where Geneva’s parents lived. I needed to go there, I needed to talk to them. Hopefully, they weren’t as screwed up  as she was , even though I knew they were. I just hoped they would cooperate and, maybe, they knew something. 

 

_ Former prime minister William Dunsany and his wife Louisa.  _

 

I wasn’t really prepared, how would I ever be? To talk to the man I knew had ruined such a big part of my wife’s life. Even though his horrible blackmailing ways brought Claire to Scotland and into my life, he broke her.

 

I spent the hour long drive to London trying to tell Angus everything I could  in volving my wife’s tragic past with all these people. 

 

As I talk ed  about it, I  still couldn’t understand that it was real. None of it. What Claire had been through and I found myself more aggressive as we drove into the big white mansion.

 

**3:12 PM**

 

Suddenly, as we walk ed on the long graveled  path leading up towards the house, Angus gripped my arm from behind, trying to stop me from walking and I did. I turned around and looked at him, confused. Lost in my own angry world.

 

“Are ye sure ye will be able to do this?” Angus asked me. “I fully understand how much ye hate these people, but are ye going to be able to go through with this?”

 

“I have to.”

 

“Aye, I get it. Jamie, I really do. But ye can’t, under no circumstances  _ hurt _ him.”

 

“I ken that.”

 

“Do ye?” Angus didn’t believe me and frankly, I wasn’t sure myself.

 

I sighed, took a deep breath and looked up. The sky was clear blue. Not a single cloud and the sun was warming my face. It was a beautiful August and  in someone else’s eyes, today probably was a really good day. 

 

_ Claire. _

 

Nothing would ever be a good day until I had her again. 

 

“Jamie.” I had forgotten about Angus. “I need ye to give me yer gun.”

 

“Why?” I frowned and felt a pang of anger towards Angus. Did he think I would sho o t someone?

 

Angus stood his ground. One beat, then another and I reached for my gun strapped on my belt. Somehow I felt lighter handing it over. Like my unconsciousness knew it was for the best.

 

Silently, Angus just nodded and we started walking towards the big blue front door. Five steps and I quickly rang the doorbell. A ridiculously long tune played out.  _ Rich people and their shit. _

 

An older grey haired man wearing a dark green suit opened the door.  _ Dunsany.  _ He looked kinder than he used to look in the newspapers.

 

“I’m Detective Fraser and this is Detective Mhor, Scotland police. We are here to speak with William Dunsany.” I had no idea who I was, the man speaking sounded nothing like myself or why I talked like I didn’t know already who he was.

 

“That’s me, I’m  _ Lord _ William Dunsany.” He answered. “How may I help you.”

 

“We are here because of yer daughter, Geneva Dunsany.” Angus sounded harsher than he normally spoke to civilians and I appreciated it.

 

If anxiety had a face, it was William. His face gradually became paler until he was completely white and  he looked like he was about to faint. He didn’t speak nor did he seem to know what to do with his hands. They came up and down, wringing together like he was freezing.

 

“Can we come inside?” Angus asked as William stood quiet before us.

 

I wondered if he connected my last name with Claire. Did he know who I was?

 

“My daughter is dead.” William finally said, bitterly. The way he said it, it almost sounded true. Maybe she was for him. Dead  to them.

 

“Strike  _ one _ .” I narrowed my eyes and stretched out my body to look  more intimidating. “Let’s try again. We are here to talk about yer daughter, can we come inside?”

 

“Like I said…” 

 

“If I w ere ye, I wouldn’t want another strike.” Angus interrupted William. “Detective Fraser asked ye a question. Answer him.”

 

William quickly nodded in response and stepped aside to let us inside the house.

 

The hallway was enormous, to my left there stood a brown polished side table, posh and expensive. A few photographs and the one in the middle was a perfectly staged picture of the Dunsany family. Geneva looked young, very young and innocent sitting on a chair in front of her smiling parents. 

 

“So, Detectives. What is it you really want?”

 

“Where is she?” I asked him. “That’s a perfect way to start.”

 

“No respect for a grieving parent. Geneva was cremated, her ashes  are in my stud y .”

 

“Strike  _ two _ .”

 

I wasn’t sure how many strikes I would give him for continuously lying to me or what I would do when I thought enough was enough. But I did enjoy scaring him. Making him taste his own medicine. He had used threats to get his way, to keep Claire silent. Me on the other h and wasn’t going to play the same game. 

 

“I dinna ken if it helps, my lord,” I said sarcastically. “But I think ye know my wife. Claire Beauchamp.”

 

Willam started violently coughing and I hope he would chock.

 

“Don’t give me another reason to  feed the urge I have to hurt ye.” I threatened William. “This family has hurt my wife so many times, I will give ye one chance for some small… redemption. Ye hear me?”

 

“Geneva is in Scotland.”

 

That was quick.

 

“Where?”

 

“I swear I don’t know.” William seemed stressed. “I haven’t spoken with her in months. I have no address, no number. She wants nothing to do with us. I promise.”

 

“Yer promises mean nothing. The only thing that matters is that yer wicked daughter has kidnapped my wife.”

 

“Neither myself or my wife could have dream that Geneva would do any of this. We almost  were relieved when her doctor called and said she died.”

 

How a father could say this was for me unimaginable. Maybe it wasn’t so hard to understand why Geneva had turned out as she had. 

 

“Claire was…”

 

“YE DON'T GET TO EVEN UTTER HER NAME!” I shouted and William almost fell over as he backed away from me. He looked so small. So weak and scared.

 

“James.” Angus warned me. But there was no use.

 

“SHE WAS A CHILD. ALL ALONE AND YOU...” I pushed past Angus and walked over to William. I was glad I had handed over my gun because I was on the verge of losing all sense. “FOR WHAT? MONEY? POWER? FILTHY PEOPLE LIKE YE.”

 

“Please...”

 

I raised my fist in the air, I wanted to hit him. Christ, I wanted to hit him so badly. 

 

But I stopped in motion as I saw someone walking down the stairs. A brunette woman who looked panicked  when she saw me.  _ Louisa Dunsany. _

 

I looked back at William.

 

“IF ANYTHING happens to Claire, I will kill ye with my bare hands.”

 

“Che...checkbook.” William was stammering. “I gave Geneva a checkbook, its address  is in   her new name.  _ Jessica Jones.  _ Please, that’s all I know.”

 

_ Jessica Jones. _ Why was the name so damn familiar? I wondered.

 

“ Do not leave the area. Thames Valley Police will arrive to take your statement within an hour.” I looked at Geneva’s parents, both of them. “The world will very publicly know exactly everything you have done. I will make sure of it.”

 

With nothing more to say, I turned around to leave and grabbed by phone from my pocket.

 

**J:** _ Can you track wired money from William Dunsany account to a Jessica Jones. _

 

The text message was to Tina. I pressed send and felt lightheaded all of a sudden.

 

“Call Alec.” I didn’t look at Angus. “I want Geneva’s face  o n every news cast and paper and make sure there is a arrest warrant.”

 

“I’m on it.”

 

My own phone started ringing and I stopped walking. Angus  was on  his own phone, already calling our boss jumped into the car and I reached for my phone.

 

_ FaceTime. _ Incoming call from Jenny.

 

There was only one answer  _ why _ she was video calling me - Ellen.

 

I felt awful. We hadn’t talked since Jenny had taken her back with her to Lallybroch yesterday.  I needed to put on my dad face, who always was happy and smiling. That’s the only way I would let my daughter see me, even if it took  all my  strength in me not to cry.

 

I pressed the button and answered.

 

The chubby and beautiful face belonging to my daughter appeared on my screen. I had been so lost in my determination to find Claire that I somehow had forgotten all about Ellen. 

 

“Dada. Dadaa.” Ellen shouted joyfully.

 

“Hi my beautiful dove.” I answered and my smile felt so genuine and freeing. “How are you? Are you having a good time?”

 

“Elle.” She couldn’t say her name properly. 

 

“Where is your aunty? Where is Jenny?”

 

“I’m here brother.” Jenny’s hand came waving in the screen. “We are doing good. Ellen has taken an interest in dinosaurs.”

 

“Dinooo.” Ellen screamed with happiness and leaned closer to the camera. I could only see her little nose and mouth. “DINO DADA.”

 

The sight and Ellen’s  excitement  made me laugh. Somehow, tragically I thought, she would be the only person who could made me smile right now.

 

“Can ye tell daddy what ye learned today?” Jenny asked from a distance.

 

My heart broke a little more. My precious baby had learned something new and I had missed it. Claire had missed it.

 

“Um...” Ellen started. “Um...bread.”

 

“No, love.” Jenny interrupted her and I looked at Ellen as she frustratedly looked back at what I guess was my dear sister. “It starts with, dread.”

 

“Come on baby.” I encouraged Ellen. “Tell daddy what ye have learned.”

 

“Dreed...no...tus.” Ellen tried, every syllable was hard for her. “Dreed...tus..tus.”

 

I had no idea what she was trying to say but I loved seeing her try.

 

“And what is that?” Jenny asked in the background.” Tell daddy what Dreadnoughtus is.”

 

“Big Dino. Dada. BIG.”

 

“That’s right, dreadnoughtus are the largest animal that have ever walked this earth.” Jenny said.

 

“Oh wow. Dreadnoughtus.” I said and Ellen started smiling and then she kissed the screen. I could only see her lips, but I felt her kiss.

 

“Good dada.”

 

“Thank you, love.”

 

The way Ellen looked at me, was the only way I wanted her to. Happy and oblivious of the dark world we lived in. 

 

“Bye dada. Luv.”

 

“I love ye, too. Dada, loves Elle so much.”

 

Ellen waved and walked away. So many silent promises I had inside. I needed to give that child her mother back. I had tried holding back my sadness during our conversation but the second she was out of sight, I broke and started to cry. 

 

“How can I help?” Jenny sounded so worried. “Any news of Claire?”

 

“I don’t know what to do.” I sniffed out. “I’m so lost.”

 

“I ken ye will find her, Jamie. I ken it in my soul.”

 

“What if something happens to her?”

 

“Don’t… try to stay positive. Geneva won’t hurt her.”

 

“I love you, Jenny. I don’t say it enough...”

 

“I love you, too.”

  
  


——-

 

**Claire**

 

Geneva stood in front of Claire as she sat on the bed, snapping her fingers in her face and it was like the sound coming from Geneva’s fingers were as loud as fireworks and rapid flashes of images suddenly appeared. It was memory after memory. The room started spinning.

 

“Claire?” Are you listening? Claire?” Geneva voice slowly faded until Claire heard nothing.

 

——

 

**2014**

 

**_Honeymoon planning._ ** _ (Part 1) _

 

They were still acting like giddy teenagers, every day w as blissful as they woke up as husband and wife. James and Claire Fraser.

 

Even though they had been married for almost two years, Claire still couldn’t believe it. She looked at her ring  every chance she could and if it was possible, the golden ring just became even more beautiful. Maybe it was what it represented more than the actual ring. Endless, unconditional, and pure love. Oh the love. How she loved this man.

 

Today was a exciting day, this was the day were Claire finally were going to surprise Jamie with a honeymoon vacation. She had arranged everything in secret and it wasn’t the easiest thing when your husband was a detective. But she had done it.  

 

Everything was set. She had booked the hotel and tickets, she even had talked with his boss and asked for time off and Jamie had no idea. 

 

They had been married for almost two years now and they both had promised each other not buy anything, but technically she hadn’t spend a dime of their own money, she had won it. 

 

It was the first time in her life she had won anything. Last week, she had bought a lottery ticket for the fun of it and guess what, she won 5,000 pounds. It took everything she had to not spoil it. If she had, Jamie had tried to convince her to transfer it to their joint savings account. 

 

They were saving  up to buy a house, but they needed this. Since they sold her apartment and she had moved into Jamie’s, they had saved everything they could to afford the house they wanted. 

 

Since Claire really wanted to travel  and explore the world with Jamie, she without a single doubt bought a trip.  _ France.  _ Maybe she wasn’t the most creative or crafty person but she tried her best and she come up with a funny, but corny guessing game for him to try and figure out their destination. She laughed at  how she had turned into this cheeky lovesick puppy. She hated cliche things  like this, but she couldn’t help herself. 

 

There were just minutes left until Claire knew Jamie was going to come home from work. 

 

But as minutes turned into hours and  still  no sign nor call from Jamie, she started to feel confused and a bit anxious. He always texted or called when he was working late.

 

_ Where are you? _

 

She looked down on the colorful outfit she wore, it was supposed to be the French flag - blue shirt, white jean skirt and red heels. But the real answer was written on her skin beneath. As she thought about changing,  right on cue she saw him from the window as he parked his car on the street below and quickly she ran towards the kitchen to set everything up. 

 

“Claire?” Jamie sounded tired as he closed the door and Claire rushed around the corner to meet him. “I’m sorry I’m late.”

 

“Hi.” Claire greeted him joyfully with a big smile on her face. “Welcome home.”

 

“What’s going on?”

 

“What? Can’t a wife be happy to see her husband?”

 

“Aye, ye can. But I ken something is up with ye.” 

 

Of course he could see right through her.

 

“Am I so obvious?” Claire smiled and walked towards him. 

 

Jamie looked at her, up and down, taking in her outfit and his eyebrows rose in amusement.

 

“Are we going out? Or have I missed something?”

 

“What?”

 

“Ye look pretty. That’s all.”

 

“Oh, don’t I always?” Claire teased.

 

“Of course, but you smell too nice to  _ just _ stay in.”

 

He bend down and kissed her, taking a big breath, breathing her in as he did so.

 

“You like it? It’s Givenchy.” Claire felt ridiculous, Jamie would never figure out that the brand was French. Not that it mattered, she really wanted to buy it. 

 

“It’s smells lovely. Are we celebrating something?” Jamie started sounding as nervous as he looked  at her and Claire was loving it. 

 

“Maybe.” 

 

“Does it require my buying ye a gift today and I forgot?”

 

“Yes and no.” Claire answered cryptically. 

 

“Wait! What date is it… 7th of May.” Jamie looked thoughtful for awhile and his face was priceless. He had no idea. “We got married 15th of May so it can’t be that...that's next week.”

 

“Okay, okay.” Claire smiled. “I’m not going to tell you  _ what _ it is, but it’s for the two of us and it’s my anniversary gift to you.”

 

“What? No, ye didn’t. We said no gifts this year.”

 

“Oh hell yeah I did.” 

 

“Thought we agreed to save for the house?”

 

“Do you want it or not?”

 

Jamie sighed, but he was smiling.

 

“Aye, I want it. But I hope it wasn’t expensive?”

 

“Oh it was.” Claire laughed, took his hand and turned around as she started guiding him towards the kitchen. She led him to the dining table and motioned for him to sit down.

 

At first, Claire placed a big plate of homemade macarons in different colors in front of him. 

 

“Bon appetit.”

 

“Have ye made these?” Jamie asked a bit sceptical as he held a deformed green cookie. “Arnt they supposed to be round?”

 

Claire crossed her arms and gave him a look that shut him up. She had probably eaten a d ozen of them so she knew they tasted better than they looked.

 

“Am I allowed to ask why I’m eating these.” Jamie took another one, a yellowish this time “Or is this just ye trying to fat me up before ye eat me.”

 

“Oh I’m definitely going to eat you later.” Claire said seductively, making Jamie cough a little. 

 

“So? Did you like them?”

 

“Aye, I really did. I just thought ‘who is this woman and where is my wife.’”

 

“Ha ha ha...”

 

“I mean, ye smell nicer than my wife, maybe this is a magic trick.”

 

“Be nice or I’m not giving you anything.”

 

Jamie reached out and stuffed his mouth full with cookies, his cheek so full he looked like a odd looking hamster. Claire wasn’t sure if he wanted to prove he loved the cookies or if he wanted to shut himself up, nevertheless it made her burst into a fit of laughter.

 

“Alright. You ready for your next clue?”

 

“Sure.” Jamie answered muffled. “But what am I supposed to solve?”

 

“Can’t say.” Claire turned to the counter to retrieve her next food item. 

 

She placed two croissants before him.

 

“Oh wow, they look really professional, Claire.” Jamie looked impressed and quickly took a bite. “They are really, really good.”

 

The croissants were actually bought from the little coffee shop outside her hospital but she wasn’t going to tell him that.

 

“Any ideas yet?”

 

“No.” Jamie answered. “How am I going to guess anything based on ye serving me treats?”

 

“You are an awful detective.” Claire placed her hands on her hips, trying to redirect the focus on her outfit.

 

“If this was murder case, I would arrest the Cookie Monster. I have nothing. Are ye going to quit yer job and become a baker?”

 

Claire wiggled her eyebrows and shook her head.

 

“Alright. Give me another clue, then.”

 

Claire walked to kitchen behind them and took out the special mug she had purchased today. It was a plain coffee mug with a super cute French bulldog on it. She filled it with milk and walked back to Jamie. 

 

“I thought you maybe would be thirsty after all those delicious treats.” Claire smiled widely and handed it to her confused husband. “Buttons up.”

 

“What the…” Jamie looked at the mug suspiciously before he took a sip. 

 

Claire waited until he finished the milk and she was on the edge on breaking into a  laughing fit again. He looked so confused.

 

“What do you think about the dog?”

 

“Claire.” Jamie’s tone of voice was stern now. “Have ye bought a dog?”

 

He really sucked  at  this game.

 

“Why do you think that?”

 

“Have ye?”

 

“I don’t know why you would think that. Tell me what you are thinking.” Claire just continued to smile. 

 

“The treats, dogs like that. And there is a bulldog on the mug.”

 

_ French bulldog. _

 

“I would be stupid to buy us a dog with the hours we work.”

 

Jamie smiled.

 

“Good, if I ever wanted to buy a dog, it would be a German shepherd. This little guy wouldn’t catch anything.”

 

“Let’s drop the dog. We are  _ not _ getting one.”

 

“Alright, hit me with the next clue. I’m starving so I hope it’s real food this time.”

 

Claire smiled and walked to stand behind Jamie. She started massaging his shoulders. He felt hard and tense but slowly relaxed more and more. It had been a long week for him and she knew he was under a lot to stress at work. This wasn’t part of the game, she just wanted to make him feel good.

 

“Ah, that feels so good.” Jamie mumbled. “Dinna ken what I have done to deserve ye, Claire.”

 

Claire didn’t answer, but  smiled she continued massaging him.

 

“Is this a clue?” Jamie asked. 

 

“ _ Maybe _ ,” she lied.

 

After awhile, Claire stopped and wrapped her arms around his neck and placed her chin on top of his head. Jamie reached out and caressed her arms. 

 

“Spa weekend?” Jamie guessed.

 

“No.”

 

“Cooking class?”

 

“No.”

 

“Claire, I have no idea.”

 

“Are you still hungry?”

 

“Aye.”

 

“I guess you need to stay hungry for awhile.” Claire whispered softly into his ear. Because the only thing you will be eating  _ is…me _ .”

 

A low rumbling laughter came from Jamie.

 

This wasn’t part of the game, not this part at least.

 

Claire moved to stand beside Jamie.

 

“I need you to focus on my clothes.”

 

There was i nstantly a hunger in Jamie’s eyes, she had affected him so fast. Claire knew he saw nothing in the color coordination, he only saw obstacles  in having her undress.

 

“You watching?” Claire teased as she unbuttoned her red shirt.

 

Button by button until she could take it off. She threw the red shirt away, it landing somewhere behind her.

 

“I like this game.” James bit his lower lip. He really was enjoying this.

 

“You are not paying attention, husband.”

 

“Oh yes, I am. I see you.”

 

Claire licked her lips, breathing softly, making herself a little aroused as she unhooked her bra.

 

Half naked from the waist up, Claire turned around and grabbed the champagne bottle ( from France of course)  

 

Then, In one dramatic move, Claire cleared the table with her free hand. The table cloth and everything on top flew onto the floor. A crashing sound, probably the mug.

 

“What...are ye doing?”

 

“Shhh…”

 

Claire very impressively, if she could see say so herself, climbed up onto the table with the champagne and sat down in front of Jamie. One leg on the left side of him and the other on the right, trapping him with her legs.

 

“Blessed be the force that made sure ye existed.” Jamie looked at her amused but also with love and devotion. “I canna, not for a second, guess what this is all about except that ye are my present right now.”

 

“The last clue is written on my panties.”

 

“Oh really?” Jamie smirked. “Well, let's take them off then.”

 

As Jamie, very quickly started unbutton her jeans. Claire tried, not so gracefully uncork the champagne. She knew  their  flight destination was going to be revealed any second.

 

White panties with a big French flag on it.

 

“Croissant, macarons and… French bulldog.” Jamie was finally back on track. “And now the French flag, hiding one of your most delicious parts.”

 

“Good work, detective.” Claire took a big gulp from the champagne. It didn’t taste as good as she had hoped for the money she paid  for it .

 

“Are we going to France?”

 

“Aye.” Claire imitated Jamie. “You, me and the Eiffel Tower, baby.”

 

“When?” Jamie smiled widely as his hands going up and down her thighs. 

 

“Next week. I thought our anniversary was the perfect day for a honeymoon.”

 

“I love ye.”

 

Even though this wasn’t how she had planned -she had missed a few parts of the game- this was perfect.  Claire leaned forward and Jamie placed his hands on her cheeks, drawing her closer.

 

“I love you, too.”

 

They kissed. What ever mess they had around them.- broken mugs, savings, stressful jobs and dreams of buying a house-  none of it mattered. Nothing, but them in this moment.

 

“Still hungry?” Claire teased.

 

“Ravished.”

 

Slowly, so very slowly, Jamie took of f her panties and kept eye contact the whole time.

 

“Was this the plan?” He asked softly. His fingers trailed down her naked body. Her breast. Her stomach.

 

“No.” Claire quickly lost concentration. “The bedroom was the finale.”

 

“Maybe we should go there?” Jamie asked but made no effort in moving from the chair. 

 

Claire shook her head. There was no embarrassment in being revealed, so naked and so vulnerable. In the hands of her husband, the way he looked at her and the way he always desired is what made her feel the most powerful  she had ever been . 

 

”You make my life better by just being in it.” 

 

“Always.”

  
  



	16. Why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many secrets unraveling and at the same time leaving so many unanswered questions. I hope you like this chapter. It’s a lot going on. @purpleheatherdream my god, you are incredible. Thank you for beta. ❤️

Two male nurses were hauling in a woman who looked around mid twenties. She was barking like a dog and tried to bite them. Stunned,  my eyes  followed them as they walked past me, then disappeared through the double doors.

 

“Where are they taking her?” I asked.

 

_ Doctor _ Karl Beattie, the first person we were going to talk to. His reputation was almost impossible to beat and his record was  spotless . Thames Valley Police spoke of the man with respect. 

 

“Second floor. Isolation B.” Karl answered calmly. This was probably ‘normal’ for him after working here for over twenty years. “We have what we call  an  ABC program here at Vallio.”

 

“Alright, what does that mean?” I  questioned .

 

“Most of our patients are very violent,  so  the ABC section program makes it easier to place them according to their health issues.”

 

“Ok,” I  replied  and started writing down what he had said. “And what grade was Geneva?”

 

“Miss Dunsany  _ was _ B.”

 

“Just  like the girl who barked  like a dog?” I was surprised by his answer. B sounded like  a  messed  up place and I honestly hadn’t thought  about the conditions of the hospital.

 

”Wh ich is worse? Or how ever you phrased it. A or C?”

 

“A is the mildest, that’s floor four. We only keep patients who don’t need any medicine to  main tain a somewhat regular life  there . They may all wander that floor as they please. Eventually, those patients  will  have the  shortest  sentences,” Karl explained. “B is where we keep  the  more violent patients who are delusional and need to be kept locked in their rooms at night. B patients are kept  on a low dose of medication, mostly to keep themselves  safe  from their own  delusions .”

 

“So Geneva was delusional? Seeing things?” I  interrogated . I spoke as  if Geneva was dead, because that was  what Karl so firmly believed.

 

“How many inmates  have successfully escaped from here?” Angus jumped in and asked what I thought of asking myself later on.

 

“Zero patients.”

 

“Then how did Geneva Dunsany do just that?” Angus wasn’t going to play nicely. He was as frustrated  as I was. 

 

“Detectives, like I  have said multiple times, Geneva is deceased. She took her own life. I did the autopsy myself, I have her file here.” Geneva’s file was thicker than I had thought  it would be , or hoped.  Somehow  I wanted to believe that Geneva wasn’t as sick  as she appeared , fearing for Claire’s sake. “I will read a few pages of what her psychiatrist wrote about her,  and you are free to take the rest when you leave.” 

 

_ Christ. _ I started to feel stressed about the fact that I was going to have to read through all of this. 

 

Karl put on a pair of glasses and started reading. For the first time,  I became suspicious that Dr. Beattie had something to hide as well.

 

—————-

 

_ Notes. _

**_After speaking with Geneva for the first time I was struck by how charming she was. If I didn’t know her background I wouldn’t have believed_ ** **_that_ ** **_this woman was dangerous and that_ ** **_is_ ** **_probably what makes her so very dangerous._ **

 

**_Geneva repeats that there is nothing wrong with her and when I ask her why she thinks she is here,_ ** **_she says, and_ ** **_I quote, “_ ** _ I am too pretty to exist outside, people are just jealous.” _

 

**_She lives in a fictional world, without a real perception that this is a mental institution where she is held by_ ** **_by the_ ** **_law because of her own actions._ **

 

**_By our second counseling session I became more aware of her nonchalant attitude. How she doesn’t care, about anything really. Except_ ** **_for_ ** **_Claire._ **

 

**_She talks about this woman multiple times and after reading her file in understand that it is the same woman who testified against her. But when I ask_ ** **_ed about_ ** **_what kind of relationship they have or had, Geneva becomes_ ** **_quiet_ ** **_at first, then smiles. No answer._ **

 

**_She shows many signs of_ ** **_being_ ** **_bipolar. Paranoid about the fact that she had yet not heard from the woman she calls Claire. Fearing_ ** **_that_ ** **_Claire’s husband is keeping her away or worse, treats her badly._ **

 

———-

 

That I was once again (forced by myself) allowed to investigate a case that I was personally involved in was heartbreakingly  difficult . That was the only way to phrase it. 

 

The fact that Geneva was convinced that I was going to hurt Claire was mind boggling. Why did she believe that so firmly? Where did those thoughts come from?

 

“And how come Geneva ended up in the B section?” Angus asked Karl. “This sound ed fairly tame.”

 

“This is just the first page. Digging deeper in the Geneva’s mind, we found some dark secrets she had kept and when  they were revealed, she just transformed.”

 

“Darker secrets  than killing another girl as a teenager?” 

 

 _Or lying about an autopsy that never happened._ I thought and tried looking at Karl’s body language. He hadn’t looked uncomfortable besides stiffening when we affirmed that Geneva wasn’t dead.

 

“Detective Fraser.” Karl changed the tone  of his voice as he interrupted me. “As I have the knowledge that you are Claire’s husband, the same woman Geneva was clearly obsessed  with , this will be hard for you to hear.”

 

This halted my thoughts. I felt an emptiness, something that just made me feel uncomfortable and scared. 

 

—————

  
  


**Honeymoon in Paris** (Part 2)

 

**Claire**

 

_ “Thank you.” Claire smiled to the woman who had agreed to take their photo and gave her the phone. _

 

_ Jamie  _ _ hated _ _ posing and there was nothing unusual  _ _ about  _ _ the way he stood for this one. He always looked at her instead of the camera, or in this case her phone.  _

 

_ “Here you go.” The woman handed the phone back t _ _ hen _ _ walked away. _

 

_ Claire quickly  _ _ went _ _ to see it and Jamie stood beside her, still holding his arm around her waist. _

 

_ “Is it ama—zing?” Jamie sounded like a teenager girl to mock her. He  _ _ behaved like that _ _ that when she wanted to take pictures of them together and she shook her head as she laughed. _

 

_ It was amazing. The  _ _ sky _ _ was a beautiful shade of pink with small white clouds and, the most important part, Eiffel Tower  _ _ lit _ _ up in thousands of lights behind them. Claire was smiling and looking into the camera as Jamie had his head  _ _ turned  _ _ sideways, looking down at her.  _

 

_ “You tell me.” Claire could only smile as she zoomed in  _ _ on _ _ Jamie face. He loved her. Everyone could see it.  It was obvious to the world and knowing  _ _ that  _ _ he loved her like this made her stomach suddenly act crazy with butterflies flying inside. Three years and still... _

 

_ “You look beautiful.” Jamie said softly and Claire turned her head towards his. “You are so beautiful,” he  _ _ repeated  _ _. _

 

_ Standing in the country  _ _ where  _ _ her ancestors had lived and in the same city where her mother Julia was born, she felt so complete  _ _ to be  _ _ with the man she loved.  _

 

_ Claire turned to stand with her body f _ _ lush _ _ against his. Jamie was still one of the tallest man she had ever met, but she never felt  _ _ small when she was with _ _ him. _

 

_ “You are beautiful too.” Claire smiled softly. “So beautiful Jamie.” _

 

_ They were on vacation. Jamie hadn’t shaved in days and his  _ _ stubble _ _ was the perfect length a _ _ s _ _ she placed her hand on his face. For a few seconds, Jamie closed his eyes at her touch. She loved  _ _ it  _ _ when he did so, _ _ taking  _ _ in the moment like that. _

 

_ “Thank ye.” He opened his eyes again. “For bringing me here. I didn’t realize how much I really needed this until we got here.” _

 

_ Work had been  _ _ too  _ _ much for Jamie lately. He barely slept, just worked, worked, and worked.  _

 

_ “I know you better than you know yourself.” _

 

_ “Aye, ye do.” Jamie laughed so _ _ earnestly _ _. “So what is the plan now? Any more ‘must  _ _ see _ _ ’ places to go to?” _

 

_ “Soon.” Claire answered. “First, I want you to kiss me like you mean it.”  _

 

_ Like it was a challenge he wanted to win, Jamie easily and fast lifted her off the ground until they were up close, face to face and Claire wrapped her arms around his neck, heart pounding. She was literally swept off her feet.  _ _ His arms held her firmly _ _ and she thought their kiss would be as intense but it was soft, his lips brushi _ _ ng _ _ against hers once, then twice and he kissed her again, just as soft.  _

 

_ Claire breathed him in, the way he tasted always made her feel slightly dizzy and warm. One more kiss,  _ _ and _ _ he meant it, she meant it and it was as it was supposed to be.  _ Real _. Their lips spoke another language together.  _

 

_ Jamie put her back on the ground but  _ _ didn’t _ _ release her from his arms. He  _ _ bent  _ _ his head down against hers and they moved her their heads sideways slowly against each other. _

 

_ “Je suis à toi.” Jamie’s French made her smile.  _ I am yours. _ The words and the song he once wrote had such impact on her. She heard the melody playing  _ _ in her mind _ _ and the butterflies returned. _

 

————

 

Claire couldn’t explain, it nor  understood, why it happened. It was if she was  in  a movie  theater and she sat front row watching pieces of her  life playing out before her. But the memory itself was a wonderful escape of reality.

 

Sadly, it didn’t  last  forever and Claire opened her eyes just to  return to the hell she was in and met Geneva’s. She looked terrified.

 

“What the hell just happened?” Geneva asked, whispering. “You just blacked out... disappeared.”

 

Time was once again confusing and she had no idea how long she had been “blacked out” as Geneva phrased it.

 

“I remembered something...” Claire admitted, still a bit shaken herself. “I don't know how or why.”

 

What happened next was stranger. Geneva looked at Claire, then at her fingers. 

 

“You  _ just _ remembered. Just like that?”

 

“Yes, I just told you that.” Claire answered, irritated.

 

“Fascinating...” Geneva looked at her hand again.

 

Before Claire could make sense of anything, Geneva had left the room. It was preferable anyhow. She closed her eyes and  it was like she saw the memory like it was  yesterday. She remembered the pink sky. _ Two hot air balloons,  _ she  recalled . Blue striped.

 

Alone in the room, Claire tried to make the feeling come back. That little spark in her that somehow triggered  the  memories.  _ Nothing. _

 

Claire felt so frustrated  as she looked down at her own hand. It looked so pale and naked without her ring. She knew exactly where it was. Still in the box, inside of her nightstand. The fighting, all the arguments they had had before this  all  happened felt small in comparison. 

 

_ If only. _ Claire thought. If only she had believed him and never taken off her ring. Her  _ new  _ ring they had bought just days ago. The new surrounded by the old. Protecting each other.

  
  


———

 

**James**

 

_ Claire’s parents. _

 

She was only twelve.

 

How could a kid do that?

 

We were s till sitting in the big office inside of  the  Vallio Institute, me and Angus. We silently waited for the nurse who had  worked with Geneva the most to come to Karl Beattie ’s office. 

 

I was still in shock after what Karl  had  told me. That Geneva was the one behind Julia and Henry Beauchamp ’s deaths. It hurt. My entire body  was j ust feeling an anxious pain.

 

The disturbance. The unimaginable. Death takes everything away and leaves nothing in return. Especially murder.

 

_ Mina Alcott.  _

 

She was the one who Geneva had confined this secret in. Mina wasn’t informed of who Geneva had killed before and for what she had been sentenced to Vallio in the first place. So she never thought much about it. _Tragically._

 

But in a matter of minutes, it was all going to become worse.

 

“What did Geneva say  _ exactly _ when she told you she killed Claire’s parents,” I asked Mina. How I was still functioning by now was a mystery.

 

“That she did something to the car. Um...the breaks,” Mina answered a bit nervously. “They crashed and died immediately.”

 

_ Just like Frederick. _

 

“How the hell is it possible for a twelve year-old to know how to cut the breaks?” Angus asked as shocked. “Twelve years old…”

 

“Um, I’m sorry detective. I don’t know. I never asked.”

 

“Did she say why?” I was  still trying to process the whole thing. But I had  too many questions. “Why did she do it? Why did she kill them?”

 

“Um...” Mina looked more nervous. “I think she said something about the  family moving to Germany and Geneva didn’t want them to go and Claire didn’t want to either.”

 

You don’t kill someone to stop them from moving. You just don’t.

 

“Right! And Geneva said something about Claire saying how much she hated them. Her parents that is. So Geneva thought she was doing Claire and herself a favor...” Mina continued and I was speechless.

 

“How was her state of mind  when she told ye all of this?” Angus asked bewildered.

 

“Proud, I would say.” Mina answered. “But she did sound a little sad when she told me about her husband.”

 

Claire had told me that Geneva’s husband left her when she lost their child. 

 

“Why was she sad?” Angus asked. He was doing most of the  listening  and I was grateful for it.

 

“Because she lied to him.”

 

“Lied about what?”

 

“They had decided to die  _ together _ after losing their child. But she couldn’t go through with it. Geneva said she watched him jump from the Brooklyn Bridge and just walked back home.”

 

_ Fucking Christ! _

 

I walked away a few feet from them and quickly started ringing one of my colleagues at the station. Geneva was responsible of so many people's death. Why would Frederick’s be any different.

 

I ordered  the answering officer  to check for fingerprints on the vehicle Frederick had been driving  in  the accident and see if someone had tampered with it. 

 

After that it was a hell of rush of conversations. I then ordered him to quickly send a few officers to Lallybroch. Why I hadn’t  done so  before was so stupid. I wanted Ellen safe, my whole family safe and I even ordered my bossy big sister to  _ not _ use her car  under any circumstance. 

 

After that, Alec called and apologized sincerely for his unprofessional behavior and told me that the woman who had been at the station with divorce papers looked almost identical, except for the blond hair, to Geneva and he reassured me that Geneva’s face w as everywhere now.

 

On every station and newscast in Britain.

 

Even though I should have been relieved that things were moving faster, I somewhat questioned myself and my decision  to go public . What if this only make things worse?  

  
  


——-

 

**Claire**

 

Tired, so damn tired. Claire tried to stay awake. Except for one small nap, she had been awake since she had been captured. Her eyelids felt heavy and her headache  was only getting worse.

 

What time was it? How many days had she been there ? 

 

_ Ellen. _ She thought of her daughter constantly. 

 

Ellen was safe with Jamie, but what about herself?  After  a long time in between, she heard footsteps outside her door and not knowing who it was, she feared it  even  more. Geneva wouldn’t hurt her, but nothing was really stopping Benji.

 

Was he behind the door?  Was  someone else? How many w ere involved?

 

Moments after Claire must have fallen asleep, she woke up with panic as she heard voices.

 

There w ere three people in the room. Benji, Geneva and another woman  with red hair . The redheaded woman looked  to be  around forty. Both women smiled at her.

 

“You need to help me. They are keeping me prisoner...” Claire begged her. “Please help. Call the police. My name is  _ Claire Fraser _ .”

 

“I understand why you called.” The woman turned, unperturbed, towards Geneva. “Poor woman can’t live like that. Doesn’t know who she is.”

 

“What?” Claire shouted. 

 

“I know, my wife has been like this since the abduction. I need to keep her locked inside here for her own sake.” Geneva also talked like she wasn’t there. 

 

“Geneva is lying. I’m not her wife!”

 

“Must be hard that she doesn’t remember you.” The woman continued. 

 

“It is.” 

 

Claire rushed off the bed, ready to attack Geneva, and so Benji quickly  had a  hard grip on her arms.  They  would leave bruises. Tears streaming down, Claire stopped  struggling . It hurt and she was scared that he was going to punch her.  _ The baby. _ She calmed down. 

 

“What’s going on?” Claire cried out. “Why are you doing this?”

 

“We are going to fix you darling.” The woman said. “My name is Amanda,  and I’m here to help you Katie.”

 

_ No. No. No. Not Katie. _

 

“I’m Claire Fraser, my husband is  D etective James Fraser. Please. Please. Help me.”

 

“Calm down, darling. That man won’t harm you anymore.”

 

Claire didn’t understand and Benji’s grip became harder, making her yell out  in pain. He dragged her towards a chair and pressed her down  into it .  _ What’s happening. _ She couldn’t breathe. She looked at Geneva,  then quickly back at the  new  woman as she walked towards her and that’s when she saw the needle in her hand.

 

“No. Please. No.” Claire cried and tried to get away but Benji held on. “Don’t do this.”

 

Claire was sure she was going to die. 

 

“It won’t hurt.” Amanda said calmly. “Just relax. You will feel much better.”

 

The stick was quick and painless. 

 

Since she didn’t lose  consciousness and didn’t die, Claire relaxed. She still had no idea what was happening. 

 

Then she looked down. She wasn’t  being held by Benji  anymore,  but she couldn’t move. Why couldn’t she move?

 

“What...going… on?” The words barely came out. She was slurring  her words .

 

“Katie, love. It’s just something to make you calm down. Nobody is going to hurt you. Okay? Just breathe.” Geneva touched her cheek, but Claire couldn’t feel it.

 

Soon enough she couldn’t open her mouth anymore. But tears fell down. Her sorrow was evident. They couldn’t take away her feelings.

 

“Can we have a minute.” Geneva turned back to Benji and Amanda. “I just want to explain to Katie what’s going to happen.”

 

“Of course.” Amanda smiled and they walked out of the room and close the door behind them.

 

“Claire.” Geneva whispered. “Your beautiful brain has been a mystery to me. I am so grateful that you are remembering and I think I found out why.”

 

_ So now you know my name. You bitch. _

 

“I wonder if you thought about it yourself.” Geneva continued. “That maybe there is something non medical  reason  why you are remembering again and I think I figured it out. Frank hypnotized you. To make sure you stayed oblivious as Katie. Because it wasn’t that you  _ just  _ remembered. You remembered when I snapped my fingers.”

 

_ What? _ Claire heard everything, but it couldn’t be true? She had seen her scans. Her brain was broken.

 

“Amanda is going to reverse the hypnosis, if there is any. Everything will be alright.”

 

Something in the way Geneva spoke, Claire actually believed her. Maybe she was speaking the truth. But why was Geneva doing this?

 

Moments later, Amanda and Benji came back in. Claire couldn’t escape even if she tried and just sat there immobile and listened. 

 

_ Am I even blinking?  _ Claire wondered. 

 

“I need you to be very quiet and please turn off the sound on your phones.” Amanda told Benji and Geneva. “And can someone pull the curtains?”

 

Amanda stood in front of Claire and waited until the curtains were drawn shut  before turning  back to her. 

 

“Katie. The goal is to reverse any reason that keeps you from remembering who you are.”

 

Except for the name, Claire felt less stressed. She didn’t believe in this and she was sure that everything was going to be the same when it was done.

 

“Let my words wash over you, and take the suggestions as you desire them.” Amanda spoke in a low, slow,  and soothing voice. Everything here is safe, calm, and peaceful. Let yourself sink into the chair as you relax deeply.”

 

If Claire had control  over her speech and body she would have snapped something back, irritated that she was drugged.  _ Damn this. _

 

“Your eyes may feel heavy and want to close. Let your body sink naturally down as your muscles relax. Listen to your body and my voice as you begin to feel calm."

 

Claire’s eyelids felt heavier and heavier. 

 

“Breathe in deeply now, filling your chest and lungs," Amanda said as she breathed in and out as well.

 

“I want you to pay attention and focus on the space right between my eyebrows."

 

Claire couldn’t do anything else but look at Amanda’s forehead. She didn’t even think twice about it.

 

“You are letting yourself slip deeper and deeper into a calm, peaceful trance.” Amanda’s voice was so soothing, so intent and comforting. "You can feel yourself relaxing now. You can feel a heavy, relaxed feeling coming over you. And as I continue to talk, that heavy relaxed feeling will get stronger and stronger, until it carries you into a deep, peaceful state of relaxation."

 

Claire’s eyes closed shut. 

 

“Every word that I utter is putting you faster and deeper, and faster and deeper, into a calm, peaceful state of relaxation."

 

Sound of snapping fingers.  _ Snap. Snap. _

 

“Sinking down, and shutting down. Sinking down, and shutting down. Sinking down, and shutting down.”

 

_ Snap. Snap. _

 

“And the deeper you go, the deeper you are able to go. And the deeper you go, the deeper you want to go, and the more enjoyable the experience becomes."

 

Suddenly Claire felt the urge to laugh but nothing happened. 

 

_ Snap. Snap. _

 

“We are going down a staircase. You and and me. Hand in hand. Can you see us?” 

 

_ I can see us. _ Claire thought. The staircase was white with black lines.  _ Like a piano. _

 

“Take the first step down and feel yourself sinking deeper into relaxation. Each step is a step further into your subconscious. You step down the second step and feel yourself getting calmer and calmer. When you reach the third step, your body feels as if it is floating blissfully away…”

 

Claire only saw herself walk down and there was music playing as she walked step by step. 

 

“There is a door down there at the bottom.”

 

The door appeared and she wanted nothing more then to walk through. She knew how relieved she would feel when she walked through. Everything was going to get better on the other side.  _ James. _ He had to be there.

 

“Open the door.”

 

She did.

 

“Everything is beautiful there.”

 

Claire opened the door and stepped out on a beach, the sand warm under her feet.  _ Greece. _ She saw her parents. 

 

She felt free.

 

_ Where is James?  _ Claire looked around the beach for her husband. This was her place of happiness, he should be here.

 

_ Ouch. _ Something burned her.

 

_ James, where are you? _

 

Something burned her again and she was slung out from the beach and suddenly she stood by the Lunga House  at Craobh Haven, Argyll. Claire stood in her wedding dress and she smiled as she walked proudly down the aisle. 

 

She had never felt  so beautiful.

 

And waiting for her was... 

 

_ No. _

 

_ Where is James? _

 

This third time she got burned, it was twice as  bad  as the last. The burning made her scream out loud.

 

_ Gone.  _ Where did it go?

 

Claire looked around, she stood on a parking lot outside Dougal’s restaurant. It was cold and she wondered why she wasn’t wearing a jacket.  She heard  echos of people shouting from a distance, but she didn’t see anyone. She was alone. Snow began to fall.

 

_ His voice. _ Her husband.

 

_ Where are you? _ She tried screaming but nothing came out. 

 

She knew his name, but she wasn’t sure why she was so scared of even thinking it. Or trying to say it.

 

_ James. _

 

Her body was on fire. She felt the flames but didn’t see them and she screamed. She screamed and screamed until she saw nothing but darkness.

 

Pitch black. Alone. Cold. Scared.

 

She didn’t move.

 

A small radiant string of sunlight.  _ Freedom. _

 

Claire felt warmer as she moved, almost floating towards the light.  _ Oh god. _ It felt so good. It felt right.

 

Something is there, no it’s someone. The stiletto of a body.  _ Female? _ Claire wondered if it was her mother. She wished and hope it was.

 

“Claire...” Someone was calling her name. “You hear me? Claire?”

 

The light became stronger and that’s when she opened her eyes.

 

_ Geneva. _

 

“What happened?” Claire could talk again.

 

“We fixed you.”

  
  


——-

 

**James**

 

The  Vallio Institution. Standing with Doctor Beattie and Nurse Alcott, we were ready to go. I was tired and hungry, frankly in a horrible mood and wanted some peace. I was ready to explode.

 

“And what about Isadora Green?” Angus suddenly asked. “What floor is she being held?”

 

I had forgotten about Isadora.

 

“Why do you ask?” Karl suddenly seemed a bit irritated. He who had been so polite and wished us safe arrival back to Scotland just seconds ago.

 

Why did he suddenly act so different? 

 

“Because she is a key person in our other homicide case. Her sister was murdered. We have not  yet gotten to speak with Miss Green  and neither has her mother.”

 

“Miss Green is in section C,  where  she is  _ at all times  _ heavily sedated and restrained. No visitors.”

 

“Is there a possibility to not give her anything so we can speak with her?” I asked, somewhat now interest ed in my other case more than what I had been earlier. I knew everything about her, why was she sedated? She had been a normal girl and her mother only spoke well of her. Why section C?

 

“No.”

 

“On wh ose orders?” I became defensive. “My partner wants to talk to her and has a warrant from a judge who has granted him permission.”

 

Nurse Mina Alcott refused to met my eyes. She nervously looked away and frankly, she looked terrified. Was it me? _ Christ. _

 

“Mine.” Karl stood by the gateway and tried to look convincing enough to show us that his authority was highly regarded.

 

“You know what?” I called his bluff. “Have her ready tomorrow morning. My partner  and I will have someone else will come and talk to her. Good day, Doctor.”

 

I didn’t wait for an answer and walked away.

 

After hearing about the truth of Claire parents, I was sick and tired of this God forsaken place.

 

Driving back to Edinburgh, it only took about twenty minutes before we got a phone call from Vallio and I was shocked  to hear that it was Mina Alcott. She had looked so scared- scared of me.

 

“Is this detective Fraser?” Mina whispered.

 

“It is.” I tried sounding nice and calm,  not wanting  to scare the lass again.

 

“I have some information you might want to hear.” Mina said. “Doctor Beattie has a stepson, Benji Beattie. I don’t know if Karl told you. Benji used to work here as a guard. He quit shortly after Geneva supposedly died and he was also the one who tried to save her. Benji acted strange around Geneva. Not always following the rules when it came to her and I think...I think they were in a relationship.”

 

“Ye sure?” I asked.

 

“Yes. Yes.” Mina sounded sure. “And I think Karl is hiding something. I heard you talk about Isadora Green. I have never seen her or any patients in section C. But I’m not going to lie that we have joked  that  section C is a graveyard. I have only seen body bags come out of there.”

 

Karl Beattie sounded more and more like one of  those ‘Let’s opened the patients up and see what happens if we do this’  sort of doctors.

 

“Thank you, Mina. It was very brave of ye to tell us this.”

 

_ Benji Beattie. _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, leave some feedback, love, questions. I’m so grateful for everyone who reads this. Xx


	17. Ice and fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more chapters to go after this one. I’m so grateful that you have read and supported me through it all. @purpleheatherdream was super-beta

It was obvious in the way that Claire moved  that the pregnancy  was moving along faster . The beautiful bump  just  became bigger and bigger. 

 

She tried to hide it. At first she wore loosely fitted shirts she found in the closet. Clothes  that  Geneva had bought  for her. 

 

But in the end, it was  obvious  and now she even was  starting to  waddle back and forth as she walked. It felt too soon, but it was her second child  and every pregnancy was different, she knew that and tried to see it in a positive way even though her reality was still  such a strange nightmare.

 

It had been weeks.  How many exactly ? Claire had no idea. But based on the way she felt,  like small  swirling  streams of  schools  of fishes inside, she guessed it had been approximately ten weeks.  _ Two months.  _

 

Since the hypnosis  executed by that woman Amanda, Claire forced herself to play along. They had asked her who Jamie Fraser was and she lied,  saying that  she didn’t know. 

 

Jamie didn’t exist. That was what they had tried but failed to convince her.

 

_ It is only pretense. _

 

Because within her, Jamie was more alive than ever. Whomever  the little miracle that was thriving and growing inside her was, her or she was the result of their love and Claire hadn’t given up hope. She believed in him. 

 

_ Jamie _ . 

 

_ Come find me. _

 

Every night, every single night, Claire dreamed about Jamie and Ellen.  Dreams that  were full of bright colors.  _ Happiness.  _ They were beautiful  and f illed with so much love.

 

That’s all she needed. That was mostly what kept her sane.

 

And that little miracle inside her, growing each second, becoming someone. Hers.  _ Theirs _ .

 

In the chaotic mess, Claire promised herself- no she swore - that she would  _ never _ , never be this person again. Weak, unprotected, and unable to protect herself. 

 

Protect her family.

 

Maybe this miserable situation was what made her think about  a change in  occupation. 

 

_ Police Officer Claire Fraser. _ It sounded crazy,  but in a good way.

 

It had been sudden and unexpected,  her former dreams of savings lives, operat ing on  people had grown and expanded into sometime new. Claire knew she could be more than just a doctor. She was never limited to only be one thing anymore. She could be  _ both _ .

 

Her inspiration, of course, was the bravest man she knew. Her husband. Even though Claire could hear his voice already, not approving  of  what she thought was her new calling. Jamie knew the dangers and would never let her risk own her life. But she was certain and w as going to convince him.  With her medical knowledge (what was left  of it ), she knew she could do it. When she was free of this hell. 

 

_ The Police Academy. _

 

Nobody, not even her worst enemy should go through anything she has been through and she had been through more than  enough for a lifetime. 

 

A doctor c ould save lives but in a different way  than a police  officer, and someone with the skills of both? Hundreds c ould be saved.

 

In these weeks, the atmosphere had changed in the house. Th e knowledge th at something was different was mostly based on how Benji and Geneva acted. 

 

Each day they seemed to get more worried. 

 

Benji and Geneva never left the house and they argued a lot. Almost every day, and Claire had learned how to sneak from her room to the stairs silently  enough  and tried to eavesdrop each chance she got.  Y esterday had been no different.

 

_ “We need to leave...” Geneva had said. She sounded angry. So angry. _

 

_ “But how? The police probably h _ _ ave _ _ our pictures at the airports too,” Benji had answered nervously. _

 

_ “You idiot, don’t you think I know that?” _

 

_ “I’m sorry, of course you do. I just want to help.” _

 

_ “If you want to be useful, don’t stand here and look stupid. Do something! Anything! Get me a private plan, bribe the pilot and get me out of this horrible country.” _

 

_ “With what money? You said we couldn’t use yours or mine, in case they are watching our  _ _ account  _ _ transactions, Geneva.” _

 

_ “Ahhh... just call Mr, Franklin. Tell him I need to cross the border undetected.” _

 

_ “Where are you going? Your not leaving me, right?” _

 

_ “Benji… of course not.” Geneva had sounded calmer, softer even, but Claire knew she was  _ _ just _ _ playing Benji. “And I would never leave Claire behind either. I’m just going to talk to my parents and ask for cash. You stay here and try to find us plan _ _ e _ _.” _

 

_ “Why can’t Franklin stay and I’ll go with you.” _

 

_ “Because Jamie knows your face.” _

 

It was an understatement that Claire knew that Jamie would figure it out and  the fact  that both Geneva and Benji w ere exposed gave Claire strength. Jamie was coming. 

 

_ Come find me. Come find us. _

 

After being capt ured and unable to go outside, the restlessness only grew. The blue walls felt even more suffocating in “her” room. Claire desperately needed to do something, anything. 

 

Strangely, Geneva hadn’t said much when Claire asked to repaint the room a few days ago.

 

Claire had used her time and she painted for days. The walls went from blue to silver but she wasn’t done there. As inspiration  struck,  she thought of  how  her daughter, Ellen, loved flowers and plants in all shapes and colors,  but her favourite was purple heathers. So Claire painted them. Tons of them. It was a small  thing that made her room less foreign and cold. Especially  since i t made her smile and think of her daughter. 

 

The purple mixed so well with the silver. 

 

Being an prisoner but at same free to walk through the house gave Claire a chance to notice how in the  past  couple of weeks, things around the house changed. 

 

The irritating displays  playing nature videos had thankfully, but tragically, been replaced with steel plates. The front door had been altered, too. It no longer had a keyhole but a fingerprint lock.  _ They really barricaded the house. _ Tried to make it as impossible to escape as to come inside uninvited. 

 

Claire wondered what the neighbors thought. If  there were any. She still had no idea where they were. Maybe somewhere in the forest or in a fancy neighborhood? 

 

The third person, the one they always referred  to  as Mr. Franklin, came by very frequently. She had learned her lesson from Amanda. Anyone coming inside this place wasn’t there to save her. 

 

Claire mostly stayed in her room and only saw Mr Franklin's face once. But she memorized him.  _ Dark blue eyes, short brown hair with grey streaks and a small tattoo on his neck.  _ He was short and looked  to be in his  mid-forties. She had no idea how to place his accent. She heard him as she listened from the stairs. Sometimes he sounded British, but she thought somehow heard an Irish accent. 

 

Their little group of three was a mix of different people. Claire never wondered how Geneva got them to do as she said. But she still wondered how far they would go for her. 

  
  


_ There _ . Another small movement in her stomach and Claire did as she always did, she pressed her hand against her belly and smiled. A growing baby. 

 

Even though she knew Jamie was a step closer in finding her, she begged it would be before the baby was born. Far, far, far away from Geneva. Claire felt so uncomfortable in how joyful  Geneva was about the baby. She had called it theirs. 

 

_ Psychopath. _

 

Claire hated when Geneva touched her belly and whispered “little angel.” 

 

How ever much Claire wanted to curse and scream, she had her part to play. After the hypnosis and Geneva found out about the baby, she tried tricking Claire into believing that the baby was their “joint” decision to conceive and that the father was an anonymous donor. 

 

Whether  Geneva actually believed  that the hypnosis worked was unclear. Maybe she wanted it so much  that she closed her eyes  to the truth. Claire knew she wasn’t as good as an actress to fully trick Geneva. But nothing was said,  and  nobody questioned it, not even Benji.

 

But she asked herself  the important  questions many times after the hypnosis .  _ Do I remember more? Am I different? _

 

Whatever happened during the hypnosis? Amanda successfully opened  _ something _ . What  was it ? Maybe  it was  everything or nothing. But it sometimes felt like someone had given her a pair of magic glasses,  letting her see  better than before. 

 

_ Details _ . So many strange things she was sure she didn’t know before. Small random details. 

One was that Jamie couldn’t whistle as kid and that Jenny mocked him for it. When he finally learned at the age ten, and he  _ always _ whistled as he cleaned. Not a random tone, but the intro to a really old tv series she had forgot ten the name of. It was his father’s favorite. That much she knew.

 

Second, that Jamie wasn’t  _ really _ allergic  to eggs , he just hated  them \- the the taste of them and  mostly  smell. Claire smiled knowing it (again) and maybe even loved him more, because he (after the accident) bought and cooked her eggs in the morning without complain t . 

 

The most precious thing she remembered was that Jamie used to say, “My heart is glowing. Just by looking at you...”

 

It was unbearable, how much she missed them. Ellen and Jamie was constantly on her mind. 

  
  


—

 

**James**

 

Twelve weeks. I never thought it would be this hard to find her. 

 

No sign of Claire. 

 

Even though I always came home to find food in the fridge, I was withering away. I saw it every morning in the mirror. Sleeping and eating was the last thing I could do. 

 

John and Tina did as much as they could. They spen t hours observ ing bank transactions, hack ing in to traffic cameras. The list of things they did was endless and I was so grateful for them. But, as I knew wherever Claire was, our baby was growing and that only made it painful watching Tina’s beautifully  belly grow intune . I hated being home.

 

_ Twelve weeks _ .

 

Sometimes,  not  very often, I forced myself to take a break and drove to Lallybroch. I needed Ellen and she needed me.  _ Playing, reading, singing, or just putting her to sleep. _ Nothing was normal and Ellen was  too  intuitive  not  to know. She asked for Claire. So many tears. So much pain. I wasn’t enough.

 

I never wanted to be enough.

 

_ Claire. _

 

I counted every single day.

 

To not fall apart. To keep going.

 

The only good thing that had transpired was that thanks to Mina  and  her bravery, we were able to shut down the ABC program Karl Beattie was in charge of at Vallio. He was immediately locked away and faced so many charges my head hurt just thinking about them. First of all, first degree murder.  _ Life in prison.  _ His punishment felt small in comparison  to what his patients had been through. 

 

_ Torture.  _

 

Imagine the pain.  _ All those people in section C.  _ How scared they must have been. 

 

When the truth came out, we stormed  the  Vallio Institute. The records showed that there were supposed to be around forty seven patients in section C, but we only found twenty nine. 

 

Eighteen people missing. Like they had just vanished into thin air.  _ Eighteen. _

 

One of the  ones we didn’t find was Isadora Green.

 

I’m not sure if we will ever know what truly happened to her or the others. I knew they were tortured and they clearly were all dead. How or why I didn’t know, but I knew this would haunt me and so many of my colleagues that w ere there that day. The screaming and the horrific conditions the patients were living in. 

 

Karl Beattie alone had created this hell and convinced a bout five men that this was how it was supposed to be done. Each man had signed a contract  when  they were employed  stating that they  weren’t u nder any  circumstances allowed to tell anyone what happened in section C. They were all sentenced together. A few less evil men out there...

 

But the man I was interested in was Benji Beattie, Karl’s stepson who had gotten close to Geneva before he disappeared as well at the same time Geneva supposedly commit ted suicide.

 

After trying to find Benji, me and Angus started connecting the dots, thinking about Camille Green, Isadora’s sister who was murdered at the hotel. I called Mrs Fitz, the receptionist, to come to the station and she confirmed that she had seen Benji Beattie at the hotel that day. That only confirmed my suspicions and he matched the man in the footage. 

 

Modus operandi. Maybe Camille was investigating on her own? She had been at Vallio, that was  already confirmed but she wasn’t (of course) allowed to see her sister, Isadora. Did she figure it out herself? That her sister was dead and knew Karl had done it?  Was that why she let in Benji into her room? 

 

_ Case closed? _

 

It was so damn tragic. Two daughters  were  dead. Both murdered. Angus was the one who had to give the news to Lena Green, their mother.

 

The only t hought I had in my head was to break Doctor Karl Beattie, the only man that  might  have a hunch  as to  where his step-son and, hopefully, Claire and Geneva w ere . 

 

Karl’s wife  and  Benji's mother, Sarah, was dead.  Karl was our only lead.

 

This was going to be our  _ sixth _ interrogation. Karl had  communicated through his lawyers asked for it himself so I was curious  as to  what he wanted to say. Because he had refused to talk before. 

 

**4:29 PM**

 

There were four people present in the interrogation room. Myself, Angus, Karl Beattie, and his lawyer, Paul Richardson.

 

I turned on the recorder. 

 

“This is Detectives James Fraser and Angus Mhor with Doctor Karl Beattie and his lawyer Paul Richardson. Th is interrogation begins 4.32 PM.”

 

Karl Beattie sat with his arms crossed, leaning against the table. He looked as calm and normal as he did the first day we met.  Except for a few new bruises  on his face.

 

“So why did ye want to have this hearing?” I asked him.

 

“I want to talk about my stepson,  in exchange for  minimizing my sentence.”

 

I smiled at him, just finding it hilarious.

 

“That will not happen, but ye are free to speak either way. Preferably as soon as possible.”

 

“My client sits on valuable information,” Paul Richardson stated. “He has been nothing but cooperat ive when it comes to his own case. Should he give you anything I think it should count for something.”

 

“You went to law school Mr. Richardson. We both know I have no real power in giving him anything, except maybe a  miniscule amount of  gratefulness if he shares anything about his stepson,” I answered calmly. “But… maybe, just a small maybe,  _ if _ he tells me anything ‘valuable’ as you chose to phrase it, I will petition to have him transferred to a kinder prison.” I added with a small lie. 

 

Angus turned and looked at me. We both knew I had no right to do anything and would never do anything to help the monster Karl Beattie.

 

“But Benji Beattie was also part of what happened at the institution.” Paul Richardson added. “He is wanted and  is  part of the same investigation that my client was in.”

 

“Benji operated  just  as much as  I did when it came to section C,” Karl s napped . “If I give you something that might find him, I’m sure you can offer something ‘better’. I mean, it involves your wife. Don’t you want to find her?”

 

“Threatening isn’t helping ye.” Angus raised his voice. 

 

“And my silence won't help you.”

 

“Pretty cocky for an a man who has to spend the rest of his life in jail.” Angus was start ing to get furious. “F rom  what I have heard,  _ Doctor _ , the other prisoners dinna like ye very much. A few close relatives  of the victims ye so brutally  _ murdered _ are close to yer cell. Isn’t that right? If so, if I were ye, I would take that small  _ maybe _ , my partner so politely offered ye and tell us what we need. If not, ye can go back to the place ye now call home… We dinna have time for yer games, his wife is in danger and she is pregnant.”

 

Karl Beattie looked to be debating his opinions. He looked at his lawyer who nodded. 

 

“Benji is a pyromaniac. He loves playing with fire. That’s why his face is so damaged and  is  probably why you haven’t gotten any tips. He doesn’t look like the pictures you have  splashed all over the news...”

 

“How damaged?” I quickly asked. “Could ye describe him to my colleague?”

 

“I can.”

 

“What do ye know about him and Geneva?”

 

Karl Beattie had been stubborn when it came to Geneva, never once admitting she was alive.

 

“They bonded… both  of them had relativity same childhood. My late wife, she never cared much for Benji. He was a troubled child and only became worse in his teens.”

 

“How about his biological father?  Was he ever  present?”

 

“No, he left the second Sarah became pregnant with Benji and I met her a bout four years later.”

 

“We have records showing that she was an inmate at Valliolate  in the eighties and that’s where she met ye. Is that right?” I asked. 

 

“Yes, that’s right.”

 

“Why was she there?”

 

“Sarah was depressed. Couldn’t handle Benji and was sentenced  to  six months for abuse. She was delusional and accused Benji's nanny for whispering awful things in his ears and it ended with Sarah hitting the nanny.”

 

“So ye fell in love with an inmate?”

 

“Yes, but Sarah and I  didn’t start  a relationship until  after  she was released. I helped her get Benji back from the foster home he had been placed  in and we got married shortly after.”

 

_ How romantic. _ I thought.

 

“Benji saw Geneva differently and I tried to  prevent  him  getting  involved with her.” Karl said. “But he didn’t listen, said I couldn’t possibly understand.”

 

“Maybe he got inspired by ye and his mother’s love story.” Angus dryly remarked.

 

“My wife wasn’t a monster.” Karl answered irritated. “She wasn’t.”

 

“I’m not sure ye are a good judgment of that. Even with all yer fancy medical degrees...” I pointed out. “Maybe ye didn’t biologically father him but you raised him… what he is and what he has done is on yer  head .”

 

“You have a daughter.” Karl said, not  questioning, but s tated with confident. “When she grows up, will her decisions and actions be yours to bare.”

 

I should haven shouted, just him talking about my daughter in that way  felt threatening.  But I felt a strange urge to talk, father to father.

 

“Aye.” I quickly replied. “I will always teach her what’s right and wrong. Even when she is an adult. Ye never stop parenting.  _ I will always care. _ ”

 

“So if she kills anyone, will that be on you, Detective Fraser?”

 

“No, because she  _ will _ ken it’s wrong.”

 

“How is  it  then  _ my _ fault what my son did?”

 

I sighed loudly, how this man didn’t understand was insane. Even his lawyer seemed frustrated with him.

 

“If ye had cared, about  _ him _ , about yer  _ patients _ , showed some kind of remorse even, yer son would have been good man. Ye set an example, showed him that he can be as ruthless as he wants with no consequences. That ye still don’t understand shows how deeply destructive yer behavior is.” I shook my head. “I have to say, you, Doctor Karl Beattie  are the worst  kind of human I have ever encountered. That says a lot.”

 

“All my actions were for scientific reasons. I will not apologize for  them .”

 

The room became quite, I hadn’t exploded,  or  even yelled at Karl.  Because of that constant fear  was now because Benji had Claire. I mostly felt numb. I d id n’t know how I  had  become this weak, but I felt nothing. Maybe I was just so tired of  dealing with this man.

 

“I think I will stop there,” I finally said. “The second I leave this room I will never again think about ye and I hope the rest of the world quickly forgets ye too. When this is all over, when yer son is with ye, I will spend the rest of my life with my wife, rais ing my kids right and never will yer name be anything  more than a dirty smudge o n the life I  have had . Bless every soul ye hurt and I hope with all of what I am, that ye get what ye deserve.”

 

I took one look at Paul Richardson. He couldn’t met my eyes, the shame was his  to bare  too, for trying to help a mass murder. I left the room.

 

When I closed the door, I leaned against it. My heart was beating furiously. 

 

—-

 

**11:31 PM**

 

My phone rang and I  rolled over to my  nightstand to grab it.  _ Angus Mhor.  _ He would never call if  it wasn’t important.

 

“Any news, Angus?” I answered and sat upright,  then  rushed over to the closet and started dressing.

 

“We got them.” Angus answered. He sounded so happy. “We have an address. I’m on my way over to ye now.”

 

“How?” I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. “Are ye sure it’s right?”

 

“I’m sure. We  caught Geneva at the border. Alec has already send out a few police officers...”

 

_ Claire. _

 

I needed to stop for second, just  to  control myself and my emotions. My lower lips started shaking, my eyes filled with tears.

 

_ Claire. I’m coming. _

  
  
  


——

 

Benji smiled as he splashed the gasoline all over the walls, the silver wall with purple heathers and then continued to pour it around him on the floor. Claire stood in the room unable to move a few feet away from him in the doorway. 

 

Then he pushed her forward, into to  the  hallway as he poured gasoline all over. 

 

It all happened so quickly. Benji  had  scream ed as he talked to Geneva  on the phone. The last thing he said made her heart squeeze tighter and tighter making it  too hard to breath. 

 

_ “I will never forget you, Geneva. We will burn to show you our love. Me and Claire...” _

 

When Benji lit the lighter, staring at the flame  for the first time, Claire realize what was going to happen  so  she screamed. 

 

“Please don’t do this.” Claire pushed past Benji and flew down the stairs. 

 

“We need to burn for her!” Benji shouted from the top of the stairs and turned to face her, still holding the burning flame. “They have her.”

 

“Who has her?” Claire tried to stall him. 

 

“The police.”

 

_ Jamie. _

 

“They are on their way, we need to be quick.”

 

“No, Benji, no! We don’t have to. Please just let me out.”

 

The only way out was the front door. That meant the only way was  to use  Benji or Geneva’s fingerprint.

 

“You know...” Benji stared at her. “You never deserved her love.”

 

“I never wanted it.” Claire shouted back in panic. “Just open the door and she is all yours!”

 

“They will never let us be together.” Benji sounded distressed and so angry. He blamed her for this. Claire knew it.

 

Claire felt some kind of hope for his mental state  now that he knew he was going to prison for a long time. How she felt hope for this man was unbelievable.

 

“But…” Claire tried to answer but her mind was blank.

 

“I have nothing now...” Benji continued and he sounded so small. He had really given up on life. 

 

“Benji, it’s not over. You can still have Geneva. Phone calls...um… postcards... when you get out, it will be just the two of you.”

 

“Do you really think so?” Benji sounded kinder than he had ever been  with her and blew out the flame. Claire held her breath. 

 

“Even after everything I have done? Do you think I will get out?”

 

_ No. No. You won’t.  _ Claire  thought and she couldn’t hide it either. Benji ’s face hardened and he lit the lighter all over again. 

 

Claire didn’t even have time to react until the fire s pread and the entire upstairs was inflamed with deadly f lames , including Benji.

 

Benji screamed in agony and fell down the stairs. 

 

The whole thing reminded her of the ferry accident. The face of man she had forgotten and never had the chance to grieve. What was his name? Thomas? The man who died with severe burns. Who se last screams reminded her of Benji now.

 

_ No. No. _

 

The  inner voice in her, the doctor ’s, screamed to save him.  _ Save Banji. _

 

Claire fought against it this time. She wasn’t going to risk her own life, nor the child for a man who had done nothing but harm  her . 

 

Benji was barely moving as he laid on the ground in front of the stairs, his clothes were still on fire, spreading like an disease, catching the rug on fire leading towards the living room.

 

Trapped. The heat. The fire spreading,

 

_ What to do?  _ Claire looked around her. It was only one way out. 

 

Claire took a few steps forward and looked at Benji's lifeless body. His fingers were severely burned, even if his fingerprints would work, how would she get him to the door? It was impossible.

 

The fire was spreading faster and faster and she backed away towards the wall next to the door.

 

Benji had said that the police were coming. Maybe they would make it?

  
  


——-

  
  


A small comfort that she was bringing Benji with her made it somewhat bearable to accept her fate.

 

But Claire cried as she heard suddenly Jamie’s muffled screaming from the other side of the door. She wasn’t sure if his voice alone hurt more than the fire awaiting to take her life.

 

“JAMIE!”

 

He couldn’t hear her.

 

But either way, she pressed her palm against the door. It was warm. 

 

Her heart  began beating faster and faster. 

 

“Until we meet again,” Claire  whispered softly. “I will be waiting.  _ We are forever. _ ”

 

The smoke and burning heat made it harder to breathe. She somehow knew th at help wouldn’t arrive in time. This was it.

 

But the baby kicking inside her made  everything worse all over again.

 

“I’m sorry.” She placed her hand over the tummy and he or she kicked back. “I’m so sorry, I am sorry baby.”

 

A family that was supposed to be four, would become two before the sun  rose for another day.

 

Another howling distant scream from Jamie and she just looked into to fire coming closer and closer. She tried picturing her daughters face,  _ Ellen,  _ just wanting it to be the last thing she saw but the banging, the hard and panicked banging she knew came from her husband, made it so hard. They were so close, just a fucking door between them. 

 

A horrible thought came to mind. Not only would Jamie be losing her all over again, he would be losing her in the same dreadful way as he lost his mother.

 

Maybe he would forgive her as he forgave his mother's sacrifice. 

 

_ No. He won’t. _

 

It was so warm, unbearably hot and she panicked even more so if  that was even possible. How many times would she scream when she was set on fire? Would Jamie be able to hear her? Would the baby feel everything?

 

Oh god. The baby. 

 

“Please God.” Claire begged. “ _ Please _ save the baby. Let him, let him be safe.”

 

It was unbearable even with her eyes shut as her mind plunged into  a nowhere place made of nothingness.

 

_ Breaking noises. _

 

_ Swoosh.  _

 

_ Screams. _

 

Someone touched her and Claire opened her eyes. She couldn’t see anything. All the smoke and soot made  them burn all over again and Claire closed her eyes. Her legs hurt.

 

Someone was dragging her. Dragging her away from the warmth and the sudden cold air felt like a dream. It had been so long since she felt the wind in her face and the fresh air.

 

More screaming.

 

_ Jamie. _

 

—

 

**Jamie.**

 

I cradled her, holding her so  tightly in my arms. 

 

_ Claire.  _

 

I couldn’t get one word out but I cried, relieved and so grateful. Never in my life would I have thought that Geneva of all people would be the one to save her.

 

As I had arrived outside of the house, it had already been on fire. The smoke had been slipring from the small cracks of the windows. 

 

Everyone at the scene, officers as  well as civilians, had started smashing windows. Glass  was  everywhere but we couldn’t break the metallic plates someone had nailed shut. 

 

We couldn’t get in.

 

Claire couldn’t get out.

 

The fire department wasn’t going to make it  i n time and I had thought it was over. We used everything we thought could break down the front door down, but it had been useless. 

 

Claire’s screaming... I had never been so scared.

 

_ Then.  _ Geneva had arrived at outside the house in a police car. She had pushed me aside and I remembered that she was crying as well. 

 

_ Geneva had the key.  _

 

I had dragged Claire outside and carried her the other side of the street.  Away from the fire. 

 

She was safe. 

 

I placed my hand on the beautiful bump I hadn’t gotten  to see yet and Claire placed her own over mine.

 

_ They _ were safe.

 

———

 

**9:14 AM**

 

The hospital halls were quiet. Except for my daughter’s joyful chirping. 

 

After a few examinations yesterday, the doctor confirmed that Claire and the baby were in excellent health. 

 

It was miraculous. Claire had been lucky and only gotten a few small burns on her legs and arms. 

 

The night had been short and I barely slept, Claire  forcing me to sleep with her in the small bed. I held her and just listened to her breathing, her loud snores I loved  so much . 

 

The first thing she asked  for  when  we  woke up in the morning was Ellen and that’s what I was doing now.  _ Finally _ , reuniting mother and daughter.

 

_ Room 189 _

 

When I opened the door, Claire looked nervous and I noticed she had fixed her hair.

 

“MAMA!” 

 

Ellen almost forcefully pushed away from me and ran towards the bed and climbed into Claire’s open embrace.

 

“Oh, Ellen,” Claire whispered against Ellen. “Oh, my love. I have missed you so much.”

 

“Elle luv  you mama.”

 

“And I love you.” Claire laughed softly. “You have grown so  much , my love. You have gotten so big.”

 

“Like Breed...tus..tus?” Ellen asked and I too laughed, mostly at Claire’s confused look.  

 

”Like what, darling?” 

 

I walked over to my girls and sat down on the edge of the bed.

 

”Ellen has taken a liking in dinosaurs. She likes the big ones.” I said and smiled widely. “Dreadnoughtus is her favorite. The largest animal to ever walk on this earth.”

 

“Aye.” Ellen nodded proudly. It was amazing. Both of me and Claire bursted in a laughter. 

 

This was Ellen's first ‘ _ Aye’ _ .

 

It had been so long since the three (four) of us was together. We all had missed so much. But not this.

 

“You know, it was my birthday.” Claire looked at Ellen and I quickly grabbed my phone from my jeans and looked at the screen.

 

_ The 20th of _ _ October. _

 

_ Christ.  _ How could I have missed that?

 

“Happy day mama. Cake?” Ellen asked.

 

Without saying anything, I turned around and walked to my jacket hanging on the wall and started digging in my pocket and found the little box  I wanted . It had been there for some time. 

 

“I dinna ken how I missed it.” I sat down on the end next to Claire. “Happy birthday, Claire.” 

 

I kissed her and it was revolutionary.

 

“You get a pass this year.” Claire answered softly.

 

I took her hand in mine.

 

“Claire, it’s tradition ye ken...” Tears ran down my cheeks. “Let ye slay all the dragons in the cold mountains. Let ye defeat the wicked witch in the west. Let ye ride the beastly and beautiful Loch Ness Monster. Let ye be crowned queen of Scotland. Fearless, unstoppable and all mighty.”

 

“To  _ Queen _ Claire…” Claire’s watched me as I slowly opened up the ring box, took out her ring, and threaded it where it belonged.

 

“May she rule the world.”

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise, it will now be joyful and laughter. They are getting their happy ending and there is now nothing/anyone who will keep them apart. I hope you liked this chapter. Please leave some love


	18. Oats, lies and verdict

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all. This chapter is not beta and may have errors. Second, I have no clue whatsoever when it comes to trials and law but I have done my best. It’s a Bonniebird/scottish/American version and I’m quite satisfied with it. 
> 
> Third. IT IS LONG AS FUCK. But I didn’t want to split it in half, soooo... it is what it’s. And what else, ITS THE SECOND LAST CHAPTER. Oh my god. It’s so close to the end, dead! I’m just going to let you read now. Enjoy. Love you all.

——

 

Everything was different, just as it had been after New York. But our love was the same and so was Claire.

 

Still, I was scared every second that someone was going to hurt or take Claire away again. I didn’t trust the world any less and we needed to live somewhere else, somewhere safe.

 

That we needed to move was an understatement. I never saw the inside of the house where Claire had been held but she told me. That Geneva had created a replica of our home.

 

Thank God it all burned down.

 

Geneva was once more in custody awaiting her destiny. How many times were we going to go through this? Hopefully for the last time.

 

I never wanted to see her again, but Claire wanted to. Of course she did.

 

Maybe it was her way to get past everything and at the same time get some answers.

 

—-

 

The painful moment when I had to tell Claire the truth about how her parents died. Geneva’s involvements. The way Claire collapsed and screamed. It was horrible, heartbreaking and she never stopped. She screamed and screamed.

 

Claire hadn’t believed me at first. She hit my chest, over and over again, crying, begging me to say it wasn’t so.

 

Later on when Claire somehow accepted, no just believe and hatade the world. I was laying on the floor with Claire, I tried, oh so desperately I tried to comfort her. But how could I? I held her in my arms so hard, trying to soothe her but nothing worked. I let her cry and scream until she had nothing left.

 

I knew she never fell asleep but she had been so quiet and still, her eyes closed and we sat in her hospital room in silence on the floor. It was if she lost them all over again. Now grieving more than before.

 

“She took them from me...” Claire had whispered.

 

That went straight to my heart and I couldn’t imagine how much it hurt. I wanted to take her pain.

 

———

 

One week later.

 

I didn’t want Claire to go alone and here we were. Sitting in a crappy visiting room, waiting for Geneva.

 

HMP Edinburgh.

 

At the prison, Claire sat to my right and there was an empty seat in front of us across the table awaiting the person we both hated.

 

It had been some rough couple of days and we had to stay at a hotel. Claire couldn’t stay at our house and we slept all three of us together, cramped together in a queen size bed at night.

 

The door opened and two guards guided in one handcuffed Geneva wearing blue prison clothes. She looked pale and uncomfortable. That was a first.

 

“Press the button when yer done.” One of the guards said to us.

 

“Aye, Thank ye.” I answered and took Claire’s hand in mine under the table. She was cold.

 

The tension in the room. Geneva sat quite and only looked at Claire.

 

“Why?” Claire finally asked. It was short but explosive at the same time.

 

“You know why.” Geneva answered, her calm aggravated immediately. She suddenly seemed upset as she looked at Claire and I defensively wanted shout at Geneva.

 

But I stayed quiet, even though I wanted to say something. This wasn’t my battle, I couldn’t fight it for Claire. She needed this.

 

“What happened to you?” Claire asked with an unsubtle disgust.

 

“The world.”

 

“You can’t blame everyone for what you have done to others. Take responsibility, own up to your shit. You can try to blame me, blame the world, But you, Geneva, all alone did what you did. What was the point? All of it. All the pain and hurt.”

 

“I just wanted to be loved.” Geneva answered.

 

“So you decide to kill everyone who loved me.”

 

“I’m not saying what I did was right.” Geneva shook her head, she looked regretful and i felt conflicted in it she was telling the truthful or lying.

 

“Are you mentally capable to even explain this?”

 

Geneva thought of Claire’s question for a long time. She started twirling her hair between her fingers and then looked intensely directly at Claire.

 

“Are you asking if I’m insane?”

 

“That's exactly what I’m asking.”

 

“Hmm...I’m not crazy and there is fine line between sociopath and psychopaths.” Geneva coldly said. “I don’t have any issue in bonding with other people, some people would even say I’m humorous and sweet. I’m good in planning for the future and I have an degree in economics.. I just have a temper that is….up and downs.”

 

“Ups and downs..” I muttered. I couldn’t help myself.

 

“Mr Fraser, I mean detective Fraser, You if anyone would relate to how I felt.”

 

Geneva didn’t hide how much she disliked me.

 

“Do not talk to him.” Claire interfered.

 

Geneva sighed loudly.

 

“You infected my soul, Claire.” Geneva responded. “I had no one, except you and your family and when your father said you were moving. I would have gotten alone all over again..”

 

“You….” Claire shouted. “I was alone, because you killed them!”

 

“I thought I was enough for you.”

 

Geneva was smart, her answers admitted her actions but not really. Nothing she said could be use as an confession.

 

“You always have been so fucking selfish, Geneva. How on earth could you ever think that you, were more important than my parents. You fucked up my life.” Claire was screaming. “You killed them. You murdered….”

 

Claire started crying, her entire body was shaking and moved my chair closer and held her.

 

I observed Geneva, she didn’t cry herself but she was affected that Claire was. Not much, be she was.

 

“I thought I was cursed, that everyone who loved me was destined to die. I isolated myself and didn’t dare to talk anyone. Feared they would die.” Claire said so low, sniffing. “Even you, I can’t believe I was afraid to lose you. When it was you.”

 

“Is that why you stopped talking to me?” Geneva asked surprised.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Oh.”

 

There was a drastic change in Geneva. Like she realized something.

 

“I have always tried to save you. That had always been my purpose with all of this.”

 

“Maybe that’s how you think it was.” Claire had regained the control of her emotions and sounded harsh but firm. “Every sick decision you have made to ‘save’ me have been a domino effect to just make it worse.”

 

“Didn’t I save you with Frank? How would your life have been if I just had ignored you in the waiting room.” Geneva tried. She probably needed to prove that she had done something good.

 

“If you had walked over to me that day and told me my real name. The truth. Who I was. Who Frank really was... If you really wanted to help, you had called the police or Jamie. You didn’t save me. Your savior complex is just your own selfishness. Don’t you see that?”

 

“No. No. I saved you.” Geneva continued. “You were safer in New York.”

 

“I wasn’t. I almost died.”

 

I looked at Claire, I wasn’t sure what she meant by that and I felt an uncomfortable twist in my stomach.

 

“When you lost Lucas.” Claire started. “I feared it would happen to me too… and I thought, if the baby, if Ellen wouldn’t survive. I wouldn’t have anything left. I was going to..”

 

I knew exactly what she meant but couldn’t say.

 

“No, you didn’t save me.” Claire finally said.

 

I couldn’t help but think, if anything had happened to Ellen while Claire was in New York, maybe I would had lost her again, most them both and never would have known.

 

“I hate you.” Claire said. “I hope you understand that. I wished you died a long time ago.”

 

“You don't mean that.” Geneva answered.

 

“Oh I do.”

 

I wished that too.

 

“Jamie.” Claire said my name and I came back to reality. “I have said what I need, I don’t want be here anymore.”

 

I quickly nodded and rose from the chair, holding Claire’s hand. I never wanted to let it go.

 

“Wait, don’t go.” Geneva sounded desperate.

 

“Your trial starts next week, that will be the last time you see me.” Claire held her free hand over her stomach. “I will never forget and nor will I forgive you for the heartless acts you have done to ruin my life. Life is not a dance on roses, I’m not going to say anything clique that thanks to you I’m stronger, because I’m not. But I’ll make sure you will never hurt anyone again.”

 

Geneva opened her mouth to reply but Claire had already pressed the button and the two guards opened the door.

 

Through the hallways Claire dragged my hand and i with heavy feets followed her.

 

Claire didn’t say a word, neither did I until we walked outside and the cold autumn wind hit my face and we stood on the parking lot.

 

“You saved me.” Claire said to me. “More than once. Everyday you keep saving me, Jamie. Through the children you gave me and the love you keep giving me. No one else.”

 

“We saved each other.” I looked into her eyes. “But...Claire. Ye saved yerself because yer strong. So strong. Don’t forget that.”

 

“Thank you.” Claire smiled for the first time today.

 

“For what?”

 

“Just everything. For loving me. I don’t know. Just all of it.”

 

“Always.”

 

“If this is a boy, I hope he takes after you.”

 

I placed my hand on her stomach and Claire quickly laid hers over mine. I closed my eyes and just felt at peace and suddenly something moved.

 

“Was that?” I laughed and the movements continued.

 

“He likes you.”

 

I opened my eyes and got down on my knees so I had my face near her stomach and one hand still touching it.

 

“Baby, this is your father speaking.” I said and Claire started laughing, making her belly bounce a bit. “Let's make a deal, me and yer big sister protect yer mother from the outside and ye from the inside. Aye? Is that good?”

 

One more small buff meet my hand I smiled.

 

“I take that as yes.” I said closely to her stomach.

 

It must have looked hilarious to others seeing us but this was one of the wildest things that had ever happened to me. My heart grew, making room for the new love of my life.

 

“I can’t wait to meet you.”

 

———-

  
  


Two weeks later.

 

“Are you ready for this?” I asked Claire.

 

“Never will be.”

 

“Just let me know if it’s to much and ye want a break.”

 

“For my parents, Mary, Jeremy, Isadora, Camille and even Fredrick. I need to do this.”

 

The first day in court.

 

Geneva was the accused and charged for murder on multiple terms.

 

Before this, Geneva had gone through multiple mental evaluations and it was stated that she had committed the crime on Mary Hawkins knowingly and this time we were going to prove to the jury and court that Geneva was mentally concussions and should be sentenced to prison not another mental institution for the other murder we knew she had committed.

 

She knew exactly what she did.

 

During these two weeks, Geneva had repeatedly tried to contact Claire through phone calls and even letters. The last one was a threat. About Tina and John.

 

I will tell.

 

I had gotten closer to John and it was actually very emotional to say goodbye to them. It went against my police code but I helped them escape Scotland and wherever they were now, I knew they were free and safe. Geneva had no evidence of them being in our house. The video footage and recordings had been ruined in the fire.

 

This trail was going to take weeks, unfortunately maybe even months. The list of people to go through was almost ridiculous. Just to mention a few: Claire, myself, Jenny, Ian, Geneva’s parents, Mina the Nurse, Karl Beattie, Laoghaire Mackenzie, Rose Ward, Joe Albernaty, Angus Mhor.

 

8.29AM

 

The Scottish criminal Justice system was in my eyes, just old and complicated but for this case it was handled differently. Maybe it was because of how much media it had attracted and that the accused was the former prime minister daughter and it was an opened gallery. The audience was filled with reporters, strangers, our friends and family members to partake.  

 

They had even rearranged the big table in the middle and replaced it with two smaller once on two different sides. It looked more like an American trail. Not sure if it was a good thing or not. Breaking tradition like that. I sat by the left table with our lawyer, Ned Gowan.

 

The sheriff, Hans Gold, the master of law, wore his white wig and black gown. He was old, skinny and had an uneven shaved beard that I knew would irritate my all day. But he looked kind.

 

Claire was the first witness from the prosecutor side. She stood in the witness box, hands at first on her pregnant belly, facing the jury. She didn’t wear any makeup today and her curly, beautiful hair was let down.

 

Geneva sat in the dock, as the accused and she wore a light pink pantsuit, to look as innocent as she could probably. Her brown hair was in light ponytail and she for once, didn’t smile. Did she finally understand how serious it was, or was she as always just playing a part. The sweet and innocent. Still, for the security she had two police officers on either side of her.

 

“Mrs Fraser, Take the oath please. Just raise your right hand.” The sheriff, Hans Gold said and Claire nervously nodded. “And repeat after me.”

 

“I swear by the all mighty God, that I will tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.”

 

The defense solicitors, Julian Smith rose from his chair, he was the one to defend Geneva and was about to start the cross examination.

 

At first Julian Smith presents the case to the crown, the accused, Geneva was innocent until proven guilty, but she was already guilty of killing Mary. That was in our advantage.

 

He started by laying out the burden of proof. With that said, it was mostly shit and lies that could make Geneva look innocent to the jury.

 

“How do you know Miss Dunsany? The defense attorney, Julian Smith, asked Claire and pointed to Geneva sitting alone, handcuff by the table.

 

“We were childhood friends. Met when we were around six. Geneva was practically raised my by parents.”

 

“So you were really close then. Almost like sisters?”

 

“From my side yes.”

 

“What do you mean?” From your side.”

 

“Geneva has multiple times, over and over again proven she never saw me as sister but had romantic feelings towards me.” Claire was calm, speaking with confidence.

 

“And you never encouraged those romantic feelings?”

 

“No, i wouldn’t say that I have.” Claire answered. “And I don’t know what that has anything to with Geneva brutality and how she killed my parents..”

 

“That’s hearsay, Mrs, Fraser. There are no evidence that Miss Dunsany had anything to do with the death of Julia and Henry Beauchamp.”

 

“Continue your questions.” The sheriff told the defend attorney.

 

“Right. So your relationship goes way back then, can you recall how Geneva acted towards you when your parents tragically died.”

 

Claire sighed.

 

“Supporting..Geneva called often and stopped by with food.”

 

The defense attorney was trying to convince the court that Geneva was empathetic and a good woman.

 

That she was innocent and that everyone around her was who was to blame. Because of all the evidence we had against her, this was her only chance. To prove that her parents used her, that Frank Randall poised her mind and that Benji Beattie was the real mastermind and she was just an scared and fragile victim in all of this.

 

“So Geneva frequently showed you kindness during that time. Did she seemed sad? How did she handle it? You said that your parents practically raised her.”

 

“She cried a lot.”

 

“So she was sad.”

 

“I can’t say, people cry for different reasons.” Claire answered. “Maybe guilt because she knew what she had done..”

 

Claire was incredible. I really was impressed how she handled the questions.

 

“What happened after that? In page 34, it says that you two drifted apart and that you started going to support groups.”

 

“I did. My friends back then couldn’t relate to how I was feeling and I needed that understanding. Everyone in that support group had lost a parent. Just like me.”

 

“Mary Hawkins was in that group right?”

 

Upon hearing Mary’s name, Claire froze and quickly I tried to get eye contact with her, to encourage her to continue but she didn’t look at me.

 

Geneva had already admitted to killing Mary, I wasn’t sure why the attorney wanted to even mention her, it wasn’t in their advantage.

 

“Mary…” Claire paused. “She had like me, lost both her parents. I was lucky to still have my uncle at that time, she had no one. But I became her family. That’s how close we were...”

 

“Did you consider her as sister as well? Or was it it more?”

 

“Are you asking if I had a sexual relationship with Mary?” Claire answered irritated.

 

Stunned, everyone including me just looked at Claire.

 

“I’m just asking what kind of relationship you and Mary Hawkins had.” The attorney replied.

 

“It’s none of your business…”

 

I was surprised with Claire’s answer, we had never discussed the length of their relationship. Mary had meant so much to Claire and I just assumed they were friends. Was it more?

 

I turned my head and looked at our lawyer, Ned Gowan, he hadn’t interrupted yet, maybe Claire needed to answer the question?

 

“Mrs Fraser.” The sheriff said. “Please answer the question.”

 

“I loved Mary.” Claire finally said. “Does anything otherwise has to be said?”

 

“I want to know, because Geneva said that you tricked her into believing you were in love with her. Maybe you did? And that can explain why Geneva did as she did. Was Mary your girlfriend?”

 

“No.”

 

“No what?”

 

“No. Mary wasn’t my girlfriend and, No I didn’t trick Geneva that i was in love with her.”

 

“Have you ever kissed Geneva?”

 

“I have…”

 

“Doesn’t sound very sister-like.”

 

“It was once, we played spin the bottle. We were teenagers.”

 

“And mary?”

 

“I have kissed her, yes.” Claire sighed and I wondered why she wasn’t looking at me.

 

“Did this kiss happened during the same game?”

 

“No.”

 

What kind of relationship Mary and Claire had, I didn’t care, but I was curious of why she hadn’t talked about it. If it was more. If it was love.

 

“So it wouldn’t be all wrong of Geneva to assume that you two had something different of what you have stated in the past. That Geneva was blinded with jealousy and that’s why she killed Mary.”

 

“Either way, nothing excuses Geneva behavior. I don’t know if you are stupid Mr Smith but Geneva strangled Mary because she felt threatened.” Claire became more defensive. “She murdered four people I cared about. Four!” Claire screamed.

 

“Relevance, your honor?” New Gowan finally intervened. “My client is the victim. Mrs Fraser shouldn’t be having this. It’s harassment.”

 

“Agree, get to the point Mr Smith, if you have one.”

 

“My point is your honor, my client, Geneva is a victim as well. She spend years with Claire, practically her whole teenage years, believing they had something deep together. That they loved each other and Claire multiple times promised her forever. Not only did Claire manipulative and lied to my client but other women as well. This seem to be a paternal behavior where other women also has committed illegal actions after dealing with Mrs Fraser.”

 

The shock, everyone in the room started making noises, whispering to each other. It took me a few seconds to grasp what Geneva’s lawyers had just said.

 

What other women?

 

“Order.” The sheriff shouted. “Mr. Smith, do you have new evidence you want to share with us?”

 

“No, it’s from one of my witness statements.” Smith answered with a grin.

 

“Can they do this?” I turned to Ned Gowan.

 

“I have gone through everyone and everything, and I have heard nothing of this information..” Ned answered.

 

“Apparently ye missed this.” I answered through gritted teeth, I wanted to fire him at the spot.

 

“Do you have anymore questions to this witness.” The sheriff asked Smith.

 

“Yes, a few more.”

 

“Proseed, then.”

 

“Mrs. Fraser would you say that you are inclined to exactly remember how or what really happened during those years of your life. You have an head injury and according to your Doctor, Joe Albernaty, you still suffering from amnesia.”

 

“Yes, yes and yes.” Claire answered, she was calm again. I didn’t know how she did it. “Thanks to your dear client, I went even more months without medical care and i have as you so ‘medicorcy’ stated an head injury.”

 

“How accurate is everything you remember?”

 

“I didn’t remember that Ross and Rachel ended up together in friends, sorry for the spoiler.” The whole room started laughing. “Jamie have spend hours trying to update me but I don’t remember such as simple things as tv series. But my own personal memories. That’s another. How many examples do you want?” Claire boldly asked.

 

God I love that woman.

 

“How many as you like.”

 

“On the 15th of May 2012, approximately 14.27PM, I remember I stood on my husband left side on a crooked wooden pier. It was our wedding day. The wind was blowing pretty hard that day and I was afraid it was going to rain and ruin my hair. I still remember my frustration with the scottish bagpipes, they were playing the wrong song in the background.”

 

Amused as hell I just listened to Claire, I didn’t know they played the wrong song at our wedding nor that she was frustrated about it.

 

“And I can imagine you are all wondering why I remember the exact time or what significance it has.” Claire continued. “I know many read about our wedding in the newspaper but the details I’m going to tell you was never in there and I’m sure.” Claire finally looked at me. “Not even my husband knows.”

 

I held her gaze, I really wanted to know why the time mattered and why she kept track of it.

 

The whole room wanted to know.

 

“John 14:27, Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you: not as the world gives, give I to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” Claire was quoting the Bible, again, it was for me the most surreal thing. “My father was an religious man, weather or not I am is irrelevant but even tho what my believes are, i remember looking at the clock on Jamie wrist. 14.27 and suddenly I heard my father voice and that I will keep with me forever. I know he urged me to be brave and I have ever since.”

 

Mind blowing. Even Geneva’s lawyer were speechless.

 

“I can give you, almost, I’m not going to exaggerate… but I can tell you everything about my life except a few minor blanks throughout 2014-2017.”

 

“I see.” Smith still acted shocked and started going through his papers on the table in front of him. This clearly hadn’t gone as he hoped, he probably wanted to show everyone that Claire wasn’t trustworthy, that she may be remembering things wrong. “I’m done. I haven’t got anymore questions for now.”

 

“And you Mr. Gowan?” The sheriff asked.

 

“Aye, I have a few questions.” Ned stood up and walked over to Claire.

 

Claire smiled at Ned as he took his place.

 

“Mrs. Fraser, can you tell me, do you know how to Hotwire a car?” He asked her.

 

“I do.”

 

“How did you learn that?”

 

“My father.” Claire answered. “He loved cars and was quite an expert, he always sat in our garage and spent hours repairing cars. He taught both me and Geneva.”

 

“Would you say you became quite an expert yourself?”

 

“I knew more at twelve then what a regular teen would know, yes.” Claire answered. “Show me a picture of an engine and I can point out what everything is.”

 

“So hypothetically, If you would cut the breaks, how would you do it?”

 

Thing were getting really interesting now and I was getting nervous,  Claire needed to answer this question without bursting the possibility that Geneva couldn’t have done it. We had an expert witness that was going to speak too but hearing Claire, speaking what both she and Geneva was thought was in over advantage.

 

“The first thing a driver does when starting the car is foot-on-the-brake. So cutting all brake lines would mean that when the driver tries to starts the car, the pedal would just likely sink to the floor immediately and the person driving would probably not to drive, so I think the probability of starting the car and driving it until disaster strikes is vanishingly low. I think movies has glorified the simplicity of just cutting the breaks and boom, people successfully later in crashes. That’s not real and people don’t do that. Most vehicles, especially more modern have a means of detecting brake faults and will immediately illuminate a warning light upon detection of any major breach. So I would have to be smart, make sure the car doesn’t warn the driver that something is wrong.”

 

“And how would you do that?”

 

“Make sure the warning light don’t work and then cut a small, small hole in the in the break line, creating a leak that could make it happen more gradually. The breaks will work at the start…but not in the end” Claire said. “Either way, My parents didn’t drive that very far and maybe my father understood that something was wrong but that didn’t stop the other driver at the crossroad that hit theirs right outside of my school.”

 

“Thank you.” Need Gowan was pleased. “No more questions.”

 

As Ned Gowan walked back to our table where I was sitting, Geneva’s lawyer rose from his.

 

“I got two more question to Mrs. Fraser.”

 

“Proseed Mr Smith.”

 

“Mrs Fraser.” Mr Smith had a smug expression on his face. “You said your father was an expert on cars and likely would have noticed that something was wrong with the car. ”

 

“What is the question?” Claire frowned.

 

“If someone had tampered with his car, wouldn’t he have noticed?”

 

“How can I know? Even if he did, they died.”

 

“Couldn’t it just been just an accident?”

 

“I thought it was, for years I thought it was an accident. But Geneva has admitted that she cut the breaks. That she wanted to kill them. Because she didn’t want me to move to Germany.” Claire raised her voice In fury “Even if she unsuccessfully didn’t tamper the breaks right, they died. Isn’t that to much of an coincidence? That woman is an heartless monster.”

 

“Calm down Mrs Fraser.” The sheriff said and Claire glared at him. She was red, flushed with anger.

 

“Correct me if I’m wrong Mrs Fraser, if you cut the breaks, shouldn't there be fluid on the ground where your parents had parked outside your school?”

 

“Who say it wasn’t?” Claire asked without answering Mr Smith question.

 

“The Officer, Clark Brown, who was at the scene that day has written in his report that he had walked to where your parents had parked, there was no fluid on the ground.”

 

“And isn’t that the same officer that told me that Mary Hawkins had drug problems?”

 

Yes. I smiled at Claire’s comeback.

 

“Like I said, my memory has miraculously improved.” Claire continued. “Officer Clark Brown sadly isn’t alive to testify himself, but he is the same man that tried to convince me Mary just had run away from home after that he arrested me.”

 

“I don’t have any records of this. How sure are you?” Mr. Smith asked Claire. He sounded nervous. There was no records of Claire being arrested, William Dunsany had been stupid enough to make sure there was nothing to connect either Claire or Geneva to anything that revolved Mary Hawkins back then. To our advantage.

 

“Ask your client, she bailed me out.” Claire looked at Geneva. “But I’m sure every single paperwork, vanished as easily as Mary did.”

 

——-

 

After Claire it was Laoghaire Mackenzie turn and she walked into the room and took her place in the witness stand. The defendants witness.

 

We knew why, or at least we thought we knew. Geneva had for who knows how long been listening to us. She knew all about the day, Ellen’s birthday, where I so pathetically left the party to drink with her and Malva.

 

When they drugged me.

 

But I wasn’t sure why Geneva wanted Laoghaire to witness in her own defense. They probably was desperate and wanted something. What?

 

Laoghaire was sworn in and it was Ned Gowan who started this time.

 

10.02AM

 

“Miss. Mackenzie, what’s your relationship with Jamie and Claire Fraser.”

 

“I have known Jamie my whole life and I have been friends with Claire since before she lost her memory.”

 

“Are you good friends?”

 

New Gowan knew about Laoghaire and what she had done in the past.

 

“Aye.” Laoghaire answered and Claire nudged my side. That Laoghaire was lying wasn’t surprising.

 

“Can you tell me what happened of the 2th of August this year.”

 

“It was Ellen’s first birthday and I was invited to her party. But as I arrived Jamie stormed out from their house.” Laoghaire said. “He was really angry. It was something about another man. I dinna ken who he is.”

 

Fredrick.

 

“I offered to take him to a pub, a friendly shoulder to lean on, ye know. We went to to Frog & Wips, it’s close to my apartment.”

 

“Alright, So James was upset and you started drinking?” Ned Gowan asked her.

 

“Aye, Jamie ordered beer and wine, we sat there a good long time, and he was so angry. Speaking about this man with such hatred that I was shocked what was coming out of his mouth.” Laoghaire was lying. “He scared me..”

 

“Why did he scare you?”

 

“Jamie Fraser has been nothing but sweet, but after Claire came back from the death, he changed. He sat there and plotted how to kill that man, I just thought he was drunk but he went on and on, that’s when I saw my friend Malva Christie and invited her to sit with us, I didn’t want to be alone with Jamie.”

 

“That fucking bitch.” Claire whispered to me.

 

I couldn’t reply, I was busy being furious myself. Were Laoghaire trying to pin Fredericks death on me now? Was that was what happening?

 

“And what happened then?”

 

“Malva and me, we both tried to calm Jamie down and that’s when he asked if we could go to my apartment. He didn’t want to go home.”

 

I closed my eyes for a few seconds. Laoghaire was lying, I know she was. But how could I prove that? I was drunk, there could probably be a few more people to confirm that and also that I walked out of the pub with them. Fucking hell.

 

Fuck. Fuck.

 

“Alright, So Jamie was drunk and angry. You said he scared you and still you willingly took him with you to your apartment? Why didn’t you just put him in a cab?”

 

“I felt sorry for him.”

 

“Then you can’t have been so scared of him.” New Gowan was pushing this. “Have Jamie been violent before? Have you ever seen him do anything other than supposedly that night, that have made you fear him?”

 

“Like I said, he changed. Both before Claire died and then came back. I tried to be there and comfort him but he never wanted to talk. He only screamed and then slammed the door shut when I came by.”

 

That part was true. I had slammed the door in her face when she came by with a ugly looking lasagne for me.

 

“But that was a grieving man, he had just lost his wife.”

 

“Aye, but he was really mad at me. I hadn’t done anything wrong.”

 

“But were you scared of him when he slammed the door?”

 

“Maybe a little, it was really uncomfortable.”

 

Laoghaire always had played victim.

 

“Back to the 2th, Jamie wanted to go to your apartment and you three did. What happened then?”

 

“He asked if I had drugs.”

 

Claire slammed her hand hard in the table, rose from her chair.

 

“You are a liar, Laoghaire Mackenzie.” Claire screamed. “You and your wicked friend drugged him.”

 

“Mrs Fraser, sit down or I’ll have to escort you out.” The sheriff said and I grabbed Claire’s hand lightly.

 

“Claire, please. Sit down.” I said softly.

 

My stubborn and wonderful wife, still standing just pointed to Laoghaire. It was probably a threat and I was fearing this was exactly what Geneva wanted. She must have bribe Laoghaire, there was no other logical explanation.

 

Frustrated and very pregnant, Claire sat down again.

 

“She is lying.” Claire whispered to me.

 

“Aye.” I answered and looked to my right. Geneva was smiling.

 

The rest of Laoghaire testimony was painful. She lied, lied and lied some more. In the eyes of

those who didn’t know me. It really looked bad.

 

I looked guilty in killing Fredrick.

 

And it only became worse when Fredericks Wards wife, Rose took the stand.

 

“I looked out the windows and saw James hit Fredrick.” Rose had said. I had hit him, she wasn’t lying.

 

It looked so bad. I had motive too. Even if I didn’t do it. I was starting to fear for myself. What if it turned, that instead of Geneva, I was charged for the murder.

 

Fuck.

 

———

 

1.21PM

 

It was my turn now.

 

“I James Fraser. I swear to tell the truth, The whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me god.”

 

Mr Smith stood in front of me. He had a few papers in his hands. Medical records.

 

“Mr Fraser, you have been through a lot the past year. What have you done to rehabilitate?”

 

Of course he went there.

 

“I was shot last year. So it has been hours of physical rehabilitation.”

 

“Anything else?”

 

“Did a few Psychological evaluations before I went back to work.”

 

“And you checked out clear?”

 

“Aye.”

 

“Would you say it was enough?”

 

“Aye.”

 

“In these past two years, you lost your wife and then miraculous got her back and also discovered you had a daughter. How was that?”

 

“That was the greatest day of my life.”

 

“I’m sure. How did you react to find out that Frank Randall had been living with Claire, and tricked her into believing her name was Katie.”

 

“Furious of course. But mostly I was scared and sad for what Claire had been through.”

 

“I have a picture.” Mr Smith reach to his pile of papers and showed me and the rest a picture of Frank Randall, bloody and with his nose broken. “This is Frank Randall, after meeting you for the first time.”

 

“It’s is. I broke his nose against a table.” I answered truthfully.

 

“Is that professional behavior of a policeman? To violently smash a handcuffed man into a table?”

 

“No, it wasn’t. It isn’t.”

 

“And still you did it.”

 

“Aye, what would you have done to the man who raped your wife and laughed about it.” I was still calm. I wasn’t going to let him get the satisfaction in proving I was aggressive.

 

“When you worked at NYPD, did you get along with your colleagues there?”

 

“Yes and no. I was a different man in New York. My wife had died, I wasn’t there to make friends, just my job and that’s what I did.”

 

“For what I have understood, you had quite a reputation. People feared you and called you Big Red.”

 

“Aye, I am still called Big Red, it was invented years ago by my former partner from Scotland. I don’t know how it started going around at NYPD. But it’s not that imaginative, I’m big and have red hair.”

 

“Why did your colleagues fear you?”

 

“Good question. I don’t know.”

 

“Wasn’t it because you threatened to beat them?”

 

“Speculation.” Ned Gowan said. “My client former colleagues has nothing but respect for him.”

 

“Okay let me rephrase that. Mr Fraser, did you ever threatened to beat your colleagues in New York?”

 

“Definitely not. I never threatened anyone. That’s the thing with rumors, they are just rumors. My appearance probably feared them and that I wasn’t the politest. But there was nothing but respect.”

 

“Alright. How would you say your well-being was when you worked in New York, before you understood Claire was alive.”

 

“Broken. I took each day as it came..”

 

“You got injured many times, shoot a few times, right? I have four medical records of your injuries.”

 

“Aye, that comes with the job.”

 

“But you have been working as a police for many years and it wasn’t until New York you really started getting hurt.”

 

“That’s not true, my wife was a doctor. I never went to a hospital, I just drove home and let her take care of me.” I smiled towards Claire. “She stitched me up more than once.”

 

Claire smiled back as she caressed her belly.

 

“Would you say you acted careless?”

 

“When? Ask anyone, I’m very impulsive.”

 

“Impulsive or suicidal?”

 

The question caught me of guard. I had been especially reckless in New York. I didn’t really care and often wished the bullets should have killed me. I swallowed hard, thinking about how to answer.

 

“There is a big difference of being suicidal and losing hope.” I answered. “I cannot lie and say I did want to live at the time but I never wanted to slice my wrists. I just hated that life, one where Claire didn’t exist. Simple as that.”

 

“Doesn’t sound simple.”

 

“In the simple lives the beautiful.” I said. “Because she wasn’t dead. Only lost.”

 

“If we jump a bit, you discovered that Claire was alive and well. And the first thing you did was to drive her to Geneva’s house.”

 

“Aye, I did.”

 

“Did you know who Geneva was at the time?”

 

“No, just that she was William Dunsany's daughter.”

 

“This is where it gets tricky to me. Before the accident, how was your relationship with you wife?”

 

“Good. But we worked very much and that was hard on both of us.” I turned my head towards Claire, smiling. “Claire was a busy working lady, and I often came home first and mostly had hand of the household but it worked for us. We were solid.”

 

“And yet, she never told you about Geneva?”

 

My smile broke.

 

“That’s right. She confined with my sister instead.”

 

“In a good working relationship, don’t you share important things? Didn’t she trust you?”

 

“It wasn’t about trust. Claire was scared.”

 

“What was she scared about? You?”

 

“Of course not.” I raised my voice.

 

“You sure? Maybe she was scared that you would hurt anyone if you knew the truth?”

 

“What is the truth?” I asked back. I was getting angry and defensive.

 

“As your wife is suffering from amnesia, there isn’t really anything that really confirms the story she told your sister, Jenny. It’s only speculations.”

 

“It’s not speculations, Geneva has admitted more than once and also been convicted for the murder of Mary Hawkins. What is the speculations?”

 

What was wrong with that lawyer?

 

“The speculations are that Geneva did it for her own sake, but she has repeatedly said she only acted on what Claire wanted. With your wife not being able to remember everything, there is nothing that says that your sisters version is the right one. Your sister maybe just wants to protect her sister-in-law. Hide that Claire had a bigger part in Mary death.”

 

“Why would Jenny lie?” I was shouting now, not caring how I looked in anyone’s eyes. “Do you really think If Claire had anything to do with Mary’s death, she would be sitting her today? And wouldn’t Jenny just have stayed quiet when the first trial was? No. It doesn’t make sense. Claire had nothing! Nothing! Do do with Mary’s death. That was Geneva and no one else.”

 

“Mrs Fraser is fully capable in killing, why couldn’t she have been part of Mary’s death?”

 

“What the hell are ye saying?”

 

“Mrs Fraser, Claire, did shoot Frank Randall didn’t she? Cold blooded killed him at close range.”

 

“She did it to save me, to save herself.”

 

“Didn’t she watch them stab you? Frank Randall and William Buccleigh. You almost died after that attack and your wife just watched them do it. Sounds very cold.”

 

Whispers around the room. People staring at Claire.

 

“It was a desperate and impulsive decision she took, nobody that wasn’t there can judge her for it. I don’t. She played a part hoping she could save me. She never knew they would do that.”

 

“Played a part you say. Would you say Claire suffers from any mental illnesses? Schizophrenia?”

 

“No.” I answered through gritted teeth. Smith was trying to make me sound aggressive and dangerous for the court and it was working and Claire, he was trying to make her sound worse.

 

“I want to play an audio tape.” Mr smith said and I was scared. What the hell was he going to play.

 

I heard my own voice playing in the speakers. Fuck.

 

“Claire? Please, just tell me what’s going on. Ye know I didn’t do it.”  
“Take care of her.”  
“What?”  
“I’m going away, it wouldn’t be right to take Ellen with me. That’s why I didn’t board the plane.”  
“Why are ye leaving me?”  
“It’s too, depressing. I just can’t live like this.”  
“Depressing? I know it has been hard for us, but we are getting through this, Claire.”  
“This is how I am. I run away when things get difficult.”  
“ Is someone forcing ye?”  
“Nobody. This is all me.”  
“So now what? Ye are leaving your daughter?”  
“Yes, she will be better off with you. Safe .”  
“I need to go. Please, don’t follow me Jamie.”  
  
——

 

“This is recorded the day Geneva supposedly kidnapped Claire. But this is proof that Claire willingly handed over her daughter to James and told him she was unhappy with her life and just a few minutes after this, Claire walks back to Geneva in the car. Doesn’t sound that very forcefully.”

 

It sounded so wrong, i knew it and Claire knew it.

 

“But what I’m interested in, is the part where you say and I quote ‘Claire? Please, just tell me what’s going on. Ye know I didn’t do it.’ What did you mean by that?”

 

“I was referring to Frederick Ward’s death.” I sighed, this looked so bad.

 

“Why would Claire even think you had anything to do with Frederick Wards death? We already know you hit him that morning and that you are one of the last people who saw him alive that day. But why would Claire think you did it?”

 

“Claire vanished and I found a note in our kitchen. The person who wrote that note accused me of killing Fredrick. Which I didn’t.”

 

“But who wrote the note?”

 

“Geneva.”

 

“Alright there is nothing that proves that and that note was supposedly thrown away. But still you for second, you thought it was Claire who wrote it.”

 

“I did.”

 

“Laoghaire Mackenzie spoke earlier about her fearing you would hurt Fredrick, which you later on did. What other than jealousy was your reason for hurting him?”

 

“I wasn’t jealous of Frederick per say, but the fact that Claire remembered him and not me.”

 

“So you hit him because Claire remembered him?” Mr Smith cut my off. He was making a fine work in discrediting me. I never got the chance to finish to tell them that Fredrick tried to rape Claire.

 

“No.”

 

“Wasn’t he a former lover of Claire?” He quickly asked.

 

“He was. But...”

 

“Everything points to you being violent because of jealousy.” I was cut off again by Smith, I hadn’t much patience left in me. “Did you kill him? Did you kill Fredrick Ward.”

 

The anger was bubbling up in an extremely fast speed.

 

“No I fucking didn’t kill him.” I shouted. “But I guess I should thank Geneva for doing it so I didn’t have to. HE TRIED TO RAPE CLAIRE.”

 

My voice echoed throughout the room and then it became silence. My chest was heaving up and down quickly and my hands were into fists.

 

“Bigger reason to kill him then. If and I say if because there is no proof of this said assault.” Mr Smith calmly continued. “You have the motive and you were one of the last to see him.”

 

“My client isn’t the one on trial here.” New Gowan interrupted. “This is just ridiculous, it’s assumptions from the defendant side.”

 

“I have to disagree.” The sheriff said. “I hereby allow Mr Smith to gather some more evidence to support his case. Twenty four hours and until then, James Fraser, you will be in custody until proven innocent.”

 

Fuck.

 

————

  
  


24 hours later.

 

Day two in court.

 

I had to say, I was surprised that I was suddenly on trial, facing prison for a murder I wished I had done but not committed. The irony.

 

With Laoghaire speaking of me being aggressive and her lying about me spending that day talking about killing Fredrick and the fact that I did hit him. I had motive, still, so had Geneva.

 

Ned Gowan spoke calm, tried to reassure me that I was going to fine. But I didn’t know what other tricks and hoaks Geneva had in her sleeve.

 

I was just thankful that Tina and John wasn’t here, they could have saved the day as they could have ruined it. I knew, wherever they were they could help but I wasn’t risking it.

 

Claire was back on to testify first.

 

“Mrs Fraser, I find it all so confusing. You say Geneva did all these awful things as Frederick Ward. But it isn’t anything you have chosen to tell your husband. Why is that?”

 

That was a good question.

 

“I was scared to tell Jamie about Geneva and everything that happened because I was ashamed foremost. I took the money they gave me and kept my mouth shut for years. I was afraid. That he would leave me.”

 

“I see, and Frederick Ward? He tried to force himself on you. That wasn’t your fault, so why didn’t you tell him? This happened in the beginning of your marriage, you loved and trusted James, right. So why? Was it because your feared what your husband’s wrath would be against Fredrick. You feared he would do something. Hurt him.”

 

“I definitely thought I was protecting Jamie by not telling him. But also, Frederick threatened me, said nobody would believe me if I came forward so I decided it wasn’t worth it.”

 

“I’m not saying you are lying, but isn’t it - little convenient that Fredrick supposedly had assaulted you years ago and that that information just showed up now when Fredrick died and not able to defend himself.”

 

“No, not really.”

 

“You have lived with many secrets.”

 

“I have.”

 

“Is there anything you haven’t shared with us yet?”

 

Claire rolled her eyes and sighed loudly.

 

“No. I have a long list of people who has died, that can’t be here to be heard today. People I loved. Every single one of them was killed by one person and that’s Geneva. I’m sick of listening to your crap, I was kidnapped and held against my own will for weeks. I don’t even care anyone, just send her of to jail for killing Mary and be done with it.”

 

“Are you scared that your husband actually did kill Fredrick, is that why you want it to be done?”

 

“No, no, no. How many no do you need. Jamie didn’t kill Fredrick and I know he didn’t. If he had he would have told me.”

 

“I see.”

 

“You are all wasting time. Why isn’t anyone asking me what happened in those two months I was being held by Geneva?”

 

I wanted to laugh at Claire’s impatience, it was only day two.

 

“Soon, we will get to that part any minute. Let me just ask you, have Geneva every physically hurt you?” Mr Smith asked.

 

“Not physically, no.”

 

“So Geneva never have done anything to hurt you. That’s good. But how is it she is being accused of kidnapping then? If she never hurt you. That would indicate that you freely stayed with her?”

 

“Not really. She had her bloody haund, Benji to do the guarding, to make sure I stayed.”

 

“Mr Benji Beattie unfortunately also is dead and not here to speak his version. Did he hurt you?”

 

“Once, he held me down as a crazy woman stuck a needle in my arm and drugged me. Then they tried hypnosis on me.”

 

“Was Geneva in the room when this happened?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Did she participated physically?”

 

“No.” Claire sighted. “But she didn’t stop it.”

 

“So Geneva was bystander, just observing this hypnosis Benji obviously orchestrated.”

 

“No, Geneva was orchestrating it, she lied and said I was her wife and that I didn’t remember what really happened. I don’t know what Geneva truly believe but she thought a hypnosis would make me love her. Sadly, for her sake. It only made me hate her even more.”

 

“It’s is your words against hers. Benji is dead. And the woman, has not been found. If she even exist.”

 

“I almost died in that house.”

 

“And my client saved you.”

 

This was going straight to Hell. I was getting worried now. What if Geneva goes free?

 

“The word save, that’s a word Geneva has used so many times when she actually did the opposite. She believes she saved me in New York as well and that’s anything but true.” Claire said. “I’m just so confused, I’m the victim, so everyone say but still my word doesn't trump's hers. Why is that? Because I was in an accident and hurt my head? Doesn’t seem fair. I hit my head and almost died, spent one year with a lunatic and then shot that man to save my husband. I have been through so many traumatic events, lost so many people and here I am. You can try to discredit me but I can still do things a very few others can. I can if I was allowed, blindfolded operate on a living human being. That’s how amazing I am, even tho I have an injury. Doesn’t this all sound weak in comparison. My words, what I say is the truth and if Geneva had been a man, you would have believed me. Just Because Geneva looks all innocent and blinks her pretty eyelashes doesn’t mean she isn’t fully capable of everything she has done.”

 

Good lass. I thought as I looked proudly at my wife as she was speaking. She was sounding more and more like her old self. Like the powerful creature she was.

 

“Are you cleared to operate again? You said you blindfoldedly could do do this incredible operation. But are you legally approved to do so? Because according to your doctor, Joe Albernaty, you are not in the right mind state for it.”

 

“Mr Smith, are you legally approved to operate yourself?”

 

“No, I’m not a doctor.”

 

“Neither apparently am I, still, I can do it.” Claire was glorious. “Blindfolded too, as i said. That should prove my mind state. Take in Joe, ask him to ask me medical questions and I will answer them. Will that make me more credible?”

 

“It would..” Mr Smith looked corned and I tasted victory.

 

“Your excellency, May i prove myself?” Claire turned to The sheriff. “How else am I going to sit here and hope to be trusted with my own memories when I can’t prove otherwise.”

 

“Approved.” The sheriff granted Claire wish. “ doctor Joe Albernaty is allowed to question Mrs Fraser.”

 

Mr Smith opened his mouth, probably to object but he shut it again.

 

The expert witness, Joe Abernathy looked proud as he walked up the aisle to where Claire was sitting. They had been close then and I know they still were. I had hope.

 

“Hi Joe.” Claire smiled back at him. “Don’t go easy on me.”

 

“Alright, Can you start with a cholecystectomy.”

 

“You know I love my gallbladders.” Claire answered happily. “There are two different ways to take away gallstone and operate the gallbladder. I know you like the Laparoscopic cholecystectom, Also known as keyhole surgery. You doesn’t have to make a big opening in your patients belly. Instead, he or she makes four small cuts. He inserts a very thin, flexible tube that contains a light and a tiny video camera into the patients belly. These help the surgeon see the gallbladder better. Next, he’ll insert special tools to remove the diseased organ.”

 

Claire spoke confidently and loud. She didn’t stutter once.

 

For fifty minutes straight, fifty straight minutes, was she questioned by Joe. It wasn’t easy questions either.

 

By the end, there wasn’t a single person in the room that question Claire’s medical abilities.

 

If there ever was a time to say hallelujah, it was now.

 

Neither Ned Gowan or Julian Smith has anything to say after that.

 

It was finally, Miss Geneva Dunsany's turn to take her stand. To speak for the first time.

 

So we all had waited, to finally push all the evidence in her face. If she went free after everything, I wasn’t sure what I would do.

 

12.55PM

 

“I did love Claire when we were younger. I was madly in love with her. Who wouldn’t have been, she is gorgeous.” Geneva said. “But she did use that love I felt for her to make me do things.”

 

“Did she ask you to kill her parents?” Ned Gowan asked.

 

“Oh no. Only Mary.”

 

“Why would she want you to kill Mary?”

 

“That’s what I asked to at first. They seem to be such good friends.”

 

“And what did she say?”

 

“That the only way we could ever be together was...if Mary died.” Geneva looked so innocent it was scary. “I believed her.”

 

“Did Claire specifically ask you to strangle her?”

 

“No Claire suggested poison. But where would I get that?” I was sure Geneva was going to laugh, she seemed amused.

 

“So you, Geneva, on your own way, decided to strangle Mary.”

 

“Yes. I did it for her, for us.”

 

“Was is scary?”

 

“Oh yes, very.”

 

“I see.” Ned Gowan took out a piece of paper. “Because that's seems the opposite what really happened, according to your mother. Mary Hawkins dead body lied in your bedroom for two straight days.”

 

“I wasn’t sure what to do.” Geneva seemed to be irritated. Maybe that her mother had rat her out like that.

 

“In your last trial, last December when you were convicted for the murder of Mary Hawkins, you said and I quote ‘Mary was a ugly bitch and she was even uglier dead’ does that sound like a person who is scared? You also said that Mary was a terrible party planner and that she deserved to die because she suggested going to Taco Bell for Claire’s eighteen birthday.”

 

“I don’t remember saying that.” Geneva answered bratty.

 

“Do you remember saying to nurse Mina Alcott at Vallio Institute that you killed Claire’s parents and watched your late husband jump of the Brooklyn bridge.”

 

Geneva blinked, multiple times and looked like she didn’t understand what she was hearing.

 

“Absolutely not.” Geneva sounded offended. “I have not say that.”

 

“Okay, So Mina Alcott is lying?”

 

“Obviously.”

 

“And how about your parents? They have confirmed the same thing. Are they also lying?”

 

“My mother is always drunk on wine and Valium, I wouldn’t believe anything she says.”

 

“Have you ever hit your mother?” Ned Gowan asked.

 

“I most definitely haven’t. So many lies.”

 

“How is it everyone is lying?” Ned Gowan was finally worth the money. “Geneva?”

 

Geneva just shrugged her shoulders as answer.

 

“Claire, she speaks of the time you both lived in New York. Why didn’t you tell her the truth of who she was?”

 

“Because I was protecting her.”

 

“From?”

 

“Jamie of course.”

 

“How could you know anything about Claire and James marriage? When you met Claire in New York, you two hadn’t spoken in over a decade.”

 

“We did talk. I wasn’t invited to their wedding because James didn’t like me.”

 

“But Mr Fraser hadn’t even heard your name until he discovered the miracle that Claire was alive and we have asked ten close friends to Claire and they never have heard of you. How do you explain that.”

 

“I can’t possibly prove that.”

 

“You wasn’t even Facebook friends.” Ned Gowan continued. “You didn’t exist anywhere.”

 

“Hey you old man. There are something called phone calls. I hate social media anyway.”

 

“Yes I am old and I have heard of phone calls.” Ned laughed. “These phone calls, when did they occur and what did you and Claire speak about?”

 

“Life.”

 

“Anything specific?”

 

“Her marriage, that she wanted out.”

 

Lies. Lies. Lies.

 

“Can you recall what Claire said?

 

“Ugh, Like… James was boring and bad in bed.”

 

Claire laughed out loud at this, it was contagious and I couldn’t hold my own. We looked at each other and Claire leaned over to me and kissed me passionately. If she wanted to piss off Geneva, prove herself or just kiss me, I didn’t care.

 

“Claire.” Geneva suddenly shouted. “Wh...Why are you doing this?”

 

Claire didn’t answer, just smiled and caressed her belly. She was provocative and loving it.

 

“Answer me.” Geneva continued to shout when she didn’t get an answer.

 

Claire still didn’t answer.

 

“I know you were faking your orgasm, every time you and Jamie had sex. I heard it… you can’t fool me.”

 

“Miss Dunsany, Calm down.” The sheriff warned her.

 

“No, she is a fucking liar. I sat by that computer day in and out and I saw them, they fought all the time and…” Geneva stopped talking.

 

She had admitted something she should’ve have. That she watched us.

 

I turned to look at Claire, she stared at Geneva.

 

“What computer? How did you watch them?” Ned Gowan asked knowing he had her.

 

“I don’t remember.”

 

“So it isn’t that you placed cameras and microphones in my clients home and spend, as you said —watching them day in an day out.” Ned said.

 

“Answer the question.” The sheriff said.

 

“I don’t remember..”

 

“Why are you suddenly not remembering?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Thank you.” Ned Gowan did a strange bow. “No further questions for now.”

 

—————

 

It had been a week since the second day at court. I had been released immediately, there was nothing that pointed to me being guilty, especially not after Angus had laid the dna evidence they had found in Fredricks car, Geneva dna.

 

Praise the forensic that had scanned that car like their lives depended on it.

 

Our week had been surprisingly calm. We were still living at the hotel and kept ourselves busy by going on house hunting. We had already hired a realestate agent that had firm hope that our house, the one Claire refused to live in anymore, would be sold fast.

 

THANK GOD.

 

So many houses, so many we liked and disliked. In my opinion, Claire was a hormonal house hater and it was quite hilarious. She had problems with small issues as, the wrong color on the front door to too big bathrooms.  I focused mostly on security but I Of course wanted to please my beautiful and crazy wife with her fix ideas.

 

Then finally, we found a house. In my opinion the outside was awful, it was a screaming color the bricks, they were in pink, but Claire loved it.

 

Hope she likes it when the baby is out.

 

Otherwise, except for the house color, the inside was good. Rustic but modern kitchen. It was smaller than our last home and maybe that’s why we both liked it. Three bedroom. One bathroom, with tub of course and a very small backyard.

 

We could start over here.

 

9.35AM

 

Day three in court.

 

Geneva wasn’t allowed to contact Claire but that didn’t stop her. Just yesterday, there had been two long letters delivered to our house, I was glad I decided to go there to check the mailbox otherwise I couldn’t have brought it today.

 

——

Letter 1.

 

Dear Claire.

I don’t understand why you acting so disrespectful against me and hurting my feelings. You know I can’t stand looking at you and Jamie together, why are you doing this?

I know I lied in court and said that we had contact during these ten years when it wasn’t so. Is this you punishing me for it?

All I did was to fall for you, like pouring rain.

Just talk to me.

I can’t stand it.

I just want you back.

It can be friendship, I don’t care. I just need you.

I’ll give you one more chance. Just reply to this and I’ll admit everything. Just talk to me.

 

/ Geneva

 

——-

 

Letter 2.

 

Claire.

I have no one left. My parents have disowned me. Lucas is dead. Benji is dead.

I have nothing.

I promise I never meant for it to to this far. I know you hate me for everything but if you just understood, I know you would forgive me.

I have searched inside myself and I have realised my lies has made even more damage.

I will admit that I shouldn’t have killed to gain your love. I thought it was right but I know it wasn’t. Please forgive me.

/ Geneva

 

———-

 

Ned Gowan read the letters out loud in court and Geneva multiple times lied and said she hadn’t written them.

 

She had started crying, said that Claire was setting her up.

 

The lies never ended.

 

I was sure this would last forever.

 

But then it turned.

 

Lord William Dunsany took the stage. Told the room about his spoiled and aggressive daughter and admitted that he had lost control of her years ago. That both him and his wife feared her greatly. He spoke of the physical and mental abused they had suffered.

 

And through his testimony suddenly Tina Knight had opened the door, and so preciously walked down the aisle with her pregnant belly as big as Claire’s. It was so good to see her but I shocked and wondered why she risked coming.

 

Tina handed an envelope to Ned Gowan and sat down behind us. Both I and Claire turned and looked at her, Tina only winked and smiled.

 

Ned Gowan quickly went through the envelope filled with images.

 

It took me a second before I understood what it was, I turned back and looked at Tina and smiled, the widest I had since I don’t know how long in these past weeks.

 

“I love you.” I whispered to her. I had never said that to her and I meant it. God how I meant it.

 

“I know.” Tina whispered back.

 

Ned Gowan rose with a heartwarming smile on his face and waved the envelope in his hands.

 

“I’m sorry. But there has come new evidence. Allowed to approach the stand?”

 

“Granted.”

 

Ned handed The sheriff the envelope and I held my breath. This surely had to be exactly what we needed to prove that Geneva was guilty, of everything.

 

“Hmm…” The sheriff looked up. “What’s your name Miss.”

 

“Tina Knight.”

 

“Please, Miss Knight, come over here and take the witness stand.” The sheriff said. This was a very uncommon situation and I was afraid because I didn’t know the legal rules for this.

 

Tina took her stand in the witness box, smiling and took the oath. New Gowan started speaking.

 

“Miss Knight, How on earth did you get this and can you tell us what it is?”

 

Tina stood tall and continued to smile and everyone looked at her, nobody understood what The sheriff had in his hands.

 

“I have been in London for the past two weeks.” Tina answered. “Across the street where Claire and Geneva attended school. There is this dry cleaning facility owned by a woman called Sonya Kim and she has owned that place for the last thirty years and is in my heart, the kindest and most organized human I have ever met. She have saved every single footage from her surveillance cameras. For insurance reasons and probably a small OCD illness but that is still shoot photographs of Geneva Dunsany at the age of twelve, on the 16th of March 2001, and she is bend down by Henry and Julia Beauchamp volkswagen. Isn’t it amazing? Mrs Kim camera was pointed towards the street.”

 

“I agree, it’s amazing. A eighteen year old surveillance footage. I assume you have the actual tape?” The sheriff asked.

 

“Of course.” Tina quickly started searching in her bag, then started waving a black vcr tape.

 

Suddenly a scream, a growl more like it. Geneva stood up and pointed towards Tina from the dock.

 

“Are you actually believing a criminal? Tina Knight is a wanted criminal and she just valses in here with a obviously faked tape.”

 

“Have you met this woman before?” The sheriff turned to Geneva.

 

“Well.. I… Yes..”

 

“We have met once, when I stormed her house last year.” Tina said to The sheriff. “When I had the evidence to prove another murder Geneva had committed.”

 

“I guess you have done it twice now and very impressively” The sheriff smiled for the first time.

 

I took Claire’s hand and squeezed it.

 

It was happening.

 

We were winning

 

After a long while waiting, they had rolled in a tv screen with a functioning vcr player and we all watched twelve years old Geneva Dunsany holding something sharp in her hand, doing something with the Beachamp’s car. It was obvious what she was trying to do.

 

There was only audio, no sound. But we all watched. Claire cried the moment her parents came into the scene and so did I and it was so heartbreaking. Right before Julia Beauchamp jumped into the car, her husband, Claire’s father, Henry held her as she looked to be crying. He comfort her and wiped away tears from Julia’s face. He said something and she laughed. Whatever he said that day would be forever a mystery but how wonderful it was to watch. Then, he had kissed his wife and both of them got into the car and drove off and everyone in the room knew what happened after that. The crash, the death of Claire’s parents.

 

After that. All the evidence had been given. Both the defendants and prosecutors had laid their own evidence and hadn’t much left to say. Thanks to the video and Tina. It was time for the closing speeches.

 

The prosecutor started, New Gowan was going to address the jury on the behalf of the crown.

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, it now falls upon me to address you about the case and evidence we have heard and witnessed over the past few weeks. I was sure this was going to take months. Because of all the history and that there was a long process but in consideration for this new, very interesting evidence I want you all to really considerate that the majority of all the evidence actually points towards that everything Miss Dunsany said has and should be taken as lies. Not only is her story and mental health questionable but her former actions in strangling Mary Hawkins only proves how far she is willing to go and its beyond reasonable of doubt that Miss Dunsany should also be committed guilty to all these crimes. I want to invite you ladies and gentlemen to convict the accused to the indictment. Thank you very much.”

  
  


Julian Smith was next to address the jury and he spend a little longer in giving his closing speech and nobody was surprised that he did so. He was the underdog, he had nothing left in his defense to clear Geneva and that’s why he tried, his last shoot and it wasn’t that very good.

 

We hoped Geneva no longer was trustworthy and credible in anyone’s eyes.

  
  


When Julian was done, The sheriff, Hank Gold was charging the jury and then explained to the jury what laws applies to the case and what their duties as jurors.

 

The three verdicts opened to them was guilty, not guilty and not proven. We only needed eight people from the jury to agree on one verdict, hopefully the all found Geneva guilty.

 

“Don’t speculate. You have heard the evidence from both sides.” The sheriff was closing up, addressing the jury. “Don’t be swayed by emotional consideration, Set aside any sympathy, your function is juridical one and need to look at the evidence impartially. Take your time and don’t rush your verdict. Thank you, please return when you all have agreed.”

 

The jury, all twelve of them rose simultaneously and walked out of the room.

 

Waiting. It was nerve wracking, just because I thought it was obvious, maybe the jury didn’t.

 

Approximately two hours later, the jury came back. It was time.

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, have you chosen a spokesperson? And if so, will that person stand up”

 

A young woman stood from her seat. Holding a white envelope in her hand.

 

“Have you reached a verdict?”

 

Christ, my hands were sweating.

 

“Yes.” The woman answered, she spoke loud and surprisingly so nervous. Maybe it was her first time?

 

“What is your verdict to the accused?”

 

“Guilty.”

 

“Is that majority or unanimous?”

 

“By majority.”

 

“Thank you, you may take you seat again.”

 

I think I had been in cloud of nervousness and I hadn’t really fully understood that we won. People shattering next to me and Claire was apparently holding my hand as she was weeping.

 

Geneva was sentenced life imprisonment, without any possibility of parole or conditional release

 

At last.

 

There was peace and justice in the world again.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright!?!?? WHAT DID YOU THINK? I’m the most nervous I have ever been!!!!!


	19. THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With every beginning, there is a ending and this is that. The final and last chapter of this story. It has been a emotional rollercoaster but I’m so happy that we are leaving our beloved with the happy ending they deserve. Thank you @thebrochtuarachs for being beta queen, ILU

**3 May 2019**

**5:45AM**

 

When my alarm clock rang, I tried to shut it off with my eyes still closed. I was beat and not in the mood to go to work.

 

We had been living in our new pink house for a few months now. There was still some unpacked boxes and big black bags all over the place.

 

“You don’t need to go to work today.” A joyful voice said next to me.

 

“No?” I yawned, rolled over and looked at my wife who never was in this kind of mood in the morning. “How come?” I asked, yawning again.

 

“The baby is on his way.”

 

That got my attention and suddenly, I was wide awake.

 

“What?! Now?! Ye sure?!” I started panicking. “Christ! We need to call someone!”

 

“Okay, okay” Claire put both her hands in the air. “Calm down and take a deep breath, Jamie.”

 

I sat upright, took a long deep breath and then exhaled. In and out. Claire looked so calm, too calm, but this was my first time.

 

“How do ye ken he is coming?” I tried to sound normal. “Did yer water break?”

 

“No, just contractions. They are far part so there is absolutely no need to panic or stress.” Claire smiled at my nervous behavior. “Approximately 11-15 minutes apart.”

 

Knowing the minutes and the contractions didn’t really calm me down but I got excited. Still nervous but so excited.

 

Claire never wanted to know the gender of the baby when we were at the checkup ultrasound but she was positive it was a boy. She said everything with this pregnancy was different from when she had Ellen. She was so sure.

 

Elias, Alexander, Jack, Lewis, Max, Jacob.

 

Claire’s list of names was endless and we couldn’t agree on anything. It ended with a deal that if it was a boy she got to decide and if it was a girl, I got to choose the name.2

 

Aileen, Sophie, Ava, Elisa. Jules. Maisie.

 

I had a fair share of names myself and Claire said that everything was okay except Gavina and Deoiridh.

 

But really, all I wanted a healthy baby and that I got to be there and hold Claire’s hand through it all. Finally.

 

The baby was coming two weeks early. Maybe that why I was so stressed. I was unprepared even though I thought I was always prepared.

 

The bag was packed and had been for a few days. The baby clothing was the most adorable thing I had ever seen, so tiny. Matching light green pants and hat. White body and socks.

 

“What can I do?” I finally had found a voice that sounded calm even though I wasn’t.

 

“You can wake Ellen. Help her pack a bag and tell her that Uncle Ian is coming to pick her up.”

 

“Ye already called Ian?”

 

“Well...” Claire laughed. “I had the time for it. I couldn’t sleep through the contractions.”

 

“But...why didn’t ye wake me?”

 

“Jamie.” Claire pulled me down again so we were facing each other, both laying on our sides on the bed. “You are terrible when I’m in pain. I promise you will experience more of it later today. I wanted you to rest.”

 

“If I could take yer pain, I would.”

 

“I know.” Claire caressed my cheek. “Don’t worry, I will scream and shout at you later. Curse your name and demand you to take my pain. For now, just enjoy the peace.”

 

After a beat, Claire suddenly closed her eyes shut hard and started breathing heavier and heavier. I didn’t dare to move until she opened them again.

 

“Was that? Did it hurt?”

 

“Tolerable for now.”

 

This was only the beginning.

 

Claire’s belly was huge and I couldn’t stop caressing it every chance I got. The soon to be big sister, loved singing and talking to her baby sister/brother.

 

From the size of a blueberry, cranberry bean, cherry, brussels sprout, pea pod, lemon, apple, and another array of an endless list of fruits, the baby was now as big as a mini melon, approximately around 7.25 lbs and 19.96 in.

 

I still remember how small Ellen was when I met and held her for the first time in New York. This baby was going to be a lot smaller, much smaller.

 

It was unimaginable that s/he was going to be here - on the outside with us. It felt like Christmas and Hogmanay at the same time and they were the most wonderful gift.

 

I had been curious and kind of stupid. I had watched a few birthing videos on YouTube and it had not calmed me down a bit.

 

Quite the opposite.

 

The women screaming, the blood, and then the babies screaming. It was a lot.

 

And now it was our turn.

 

 _Christ_!

 

“Jamie, love. It’s going to be fine.”

 

The comforting words was exactly what I needed and Claire knew it. She could read my mind like nobody else.

 

“Today…” Claire continued and started laughing again. “I just need you to focus on what I need and nothing else.”

 

And with that said, I started laughing to. Focusing on Claire meant I was in charge of keeping her mouth full with chocolate or ice chips when she needed it or as her latest craving was, carrots and dip. How I was going to make dip at the hospital was an obstacle I needed to solve. Things could get ugly if she didn’t get her dip.

 

“Ye may call me carrot man.” I leaned forward, smiling and kissed her softly on her lips. “I will serve you all day, my queen.”

 

“All day and all night, Mr Carrot Man, these things can take time, you know.”

 

“I hope I don’t run out of carrots..” I joked and rolled onto my back.

 

The chaotic mess of boxes was mostly on my side of the bed. On Claire side, stood the brand new crib ready for the baby. It was white and in height with our bed. It took me four or five hours to build and took me a few days to appreciate how good it actually turned out. Now, I longed for the person who was going to sleep there.

 

Still, I was convinced that the crib wouldn’t be used as much either way. Claire always said, when she talked about Ellen’s first months, of how they slept almost every night close together. Not only because it was practical for nursing, but because Claire couldn’t sleep without Ellen.

 

Then I knew.

 

I can’t even count how many times Claire have asked me to get Ellen from her room and into ours because she couldn’t sleep. It was cozy, but not always. It’s mind boggling how a one-year old sleeps - the way she manages to turn in her sleep, how her small feet finds its way to my face.

 

Sweet, sweet Ellen. My first born and soon-to-be big sister. Time had gone by so fast.

 

It was approximately six months since the trial and it had been surprisingly good since. Justice has been served and Claire could finally move on and to shut that door to the dark past that was Geneva Dunsany.

 

It was a time to grieve but also to celebrate.

 

I don’t know for sure, but I think, watching her parents last minute together helped Claire to the next step. It was a strange sensation and it was still so unbelievable that we watched it. They loved each other to the end and I will hold that last image of Julia and Henry’s embrace in my heart and I wished I had met them.

 

Closure - that was a really good word to describe our life since but we also opened a window. The Mary and Claire window that is.

 

—-

 

“ _Claire, I have a question to ask ye, I fully respect if you dinna want to answer it.” It was said with respect and I meant it._

_“I have nothing to hide from you, Jamie. You know that.”_

_She probably already knew what I was going ask. Frankly, I had been wanting to ask her this question for weeks but danced around it._

_“You and Mary..” I started, but got nervous as I spoke. It felt intrusive and none of my business for some reason._

_“Yes, what is your question?” Claire gazed, smiling across the dining table, so ready for this conversation. More ready than me._

_“Will ye finally tell me yer story?” I finally asked as I watch her glass face contemplate on my question._

_“I wished I had told you years ago. It’s nothing I wanted to hide, especially from you. You know that. I never told you because that meant I needed to tell you everything else in between and I was so ashamed back then - not of my feelings towards Mary, but all the secrets. If I had told you, things would have been so different.”_

_Hearing Claire feeling guilty, I quickly rose from my chair across the table and sat down on the one right next to her. I took her hand and brought it to my lips, I kissed it softly and smiled._

_“We can’t dwell, on the what ifs. Claire, it is what it is now. We are fine and it’s time for you to speak your story. Please, tell me about her.”_

_A smile suddenly bloomed on Claire’s face_

_“Mary was funny, so bloody funny I couldn’t stop crying when she told me a joke or said something hilarious that had happened that day. That was one of the things I liked the most about her - that she always made me smile, just like you.” Claire spoke soft and low, it was intimate and I was so grateful she wanted to share it with me._

_“We were very competitive she and I. Mary was the better bowler but I had the better curve ball._

_“I would have loved to see you both play up against each other.” I started reminiscing on times before and I knew Claire was an extraordinary bowler. “I have forgotten, what was the name of your bowling team?” I asked._

_“TNCO. The Noisy Can Orphans.” Claire answered. “We were loud, drank beer and had lost our parents. It was so lame but it was us. Me, Mary, Noah and Allie.”_

_“Have you ever contacted the others?”_

_“Before the accident, I had them on Facebook but I haven’t seen them since I moved to Scotland. It has been over ten years.”_

_“Maybe ye should.”_

_“Yeah, maybe.”_

_Claire had lost so much when she escaped to Scotland. I think it would be good to get something back. Finally._

_Friendships. Memories. Joyful reunions._

_“Anyhow,” Claire cleared her throat. “There’s not much to say, I crushed the hell out of that girl and in the end, I’m glad I decided I wasn’t going to be a waster. I grabbed her arm one night, I think it was the same year she died, that summer, there was this beach party and I kissed her - right there, on the beach, in front of the little group we were with. Mary was surprised, but she didn’t stop me.”_

_“Who wouldn’t want to kiss you?” I smiled. “Was that the only time you kissed?”_

_“We kissed two more times after that.”_

_“Did you guys talk... about being together?”_

_“No, not in that way. Honestly, I never really took those emotions seriously. It was so new and I didn’t know. Then she died and I realized that it had been so much more than a friendship.”_

_“Do you think she felt the same?”_

_“Maybe, who knows. We both loved boys but we still liked kissing each other.”_

_“Have you felt like that with another woman?” I asked shyly. It felt once again so intrusive, but Claire, thankfully, didn’t seem to be offended._

_“No. I mean, of course, I have looked at other women and found them beyond beautiful. But it was only Mary. I have loved her my whole life and I'm sure I will continue to do so for the rest of it.”_

_Claire still was suffering from amnesia. She remembered so much more than before, but there were still pieces of her life that was gone maybe forever. I was glad that her memories of Mary were back and that I still had things to hear and learn from Claire’s life. There was so many things she never told me because of Geneva._

_“Do you think…” I didn’t know how to ask without sounding like, I don’t know what. “If she hadn’t died and you two had moved to Scotland together, what do you think would have happened?”_

_“Oh God, life would have been so different. I moved to Scotland because she died and I became a nurse because I couldn’t save her.” Claire looked thoughtful. “I don’t know what could have happened and it’s hard to reimagine my life and I don’t want to.”_

_“Claire, I would never blame you for thinking about how it could have been.”_

_“You said that we shouldn’t dwell.”_

_“I meant about the bad parts.”_

_“Jamie, seriously, I think I would have found you either way. Maybe I’d crashed randomly to you at the street or supermarket even if Mary would have been alive.”_

_“You think that?”_

_“Yes. Haven’t fate proven as much?” Claire smiled. “Maybe Mary and I could have had something but it wouldn’t have lasted. It’s painful to say but I don’t think we were destined but I wished we, at least, could have had the chance.”_

_“I wished that too.”_

_“You are a good husband.”_

_“Love is love. Gender has nothing to do with it. I will always be grateful that you loved Mary. She brought you here.”_

_“Maybe she knew.” Claire looked sad. “That I would find happiness in Scotland.”_

_Maybe. It was easier to think that instead of thinking what if. That Mary’s life wasn’t wasted. That she didn’t die for nothing. Whatever made it easier._

_Claire started crying. She was silent as tears ran down her face and I looked at her. I would never be able to take away the pain no matter how much I tried._

_“She was your first love.” I whispered softly and she nodded._

_Claire probably would blame herself for the death of Mary and it broke my heart._

_“I would give anything for just a moment with her.”_

_When she said that, I got an idea. It was impulsive and maybe stupid but maybe it would be good and I wanted to try._

_“Well, let’s go then.”_

_“What?” Claire wiped her tears, looking confused. “Where are we going?”_

_“Get dressed, I’ll pack Ellen into the car.”_

_“Jamie? It’s late. Where are we even going?”_

_“Not for this. Don’t worry, the lass won’t even notice. She will continue to sleep.”_

_“I don’t understand.”_

_“You will.”_

_It took a few hours and I wasn’t sure it was the best idea the closer we got to the destination. It had been impulsive but I wanted Claire to be as close to Mary as she could._

_I brought her to the place that separated us two years ago. A place neither of us had been since._

_Mallaig. Where the ferry boat had taken Claire so many times around Scotland. Her sacred place. Their place. The place where I lost her._

_We parked the car at the parking lot near the dock. Ellen was, as I had foreseen, sound asleep. It was dark outside, but it wasn’t long until the sun set to rise._

_“Are you ready?” I asked her but also myself. This place had been nothing but a nightmare before. But it was time to change that and move on._

_Claire and I silently walked the short distance to the edge of the dock. There wasn’t anyone but us there._

_“What am I supposed to say?” Claire asked._

_“I can’t tell you that.”_

_Claire took a step closer. She looked terrified and I started questioning it all. Why did I bring her here? This is where she lost so much._

_“You can hold my hand if you want.” It felt awful but Claire shook her head._

 

“ _It’s fine.”_

_The sea was still and the water was dark. We stood there in silence, waiting for something._

_After awhile, the sun slowly started to rise by the horizon._

_“The circle is complete.” Claire began to speak to the sea, to Mary. “It began with you. It started with us and it ended with you guiding me here to Scotland towards Jamie. Love brought me here and love was what made me stay. Thank you. I have a family again and I wish you were here to be a part of it.”_

_I listened to Claire intently. It wasn’t the most ideal place but it warmed my heart that it worked. This had been where she felt closest to her._

_“I have been so angry and I tried to forget.” Claire was crying. “But I promise, I will try to be happy when I think of you because you deserve that. You deserve to be remembered.”_

_Claire turned around and looked at me. I wiped away my own tears. She reached out her hand for me and I stepped forward and took her hand in mine._

_We watched the sun rise in silence._

_Claire was right. It felt saddening but true. The circle was complete. My wife in my hand. Our daughter in the car behind us, sleeping and safe. Another love child in the secure womb of its mother. I sent a prayer to Mary for I owed her everything and would honor her memory. Always._

_“Alis Volat Propriis.” Claire suddenly said in flawless Latin. She didn’t even surprise me anymore._

_“What does that mean?”_

_“She flies with her own wings.”_

 

———-

 

10:21AM

 

Claire and I finally checked into the hospital.

 

We barely got the chance to settle in when they asked Claire if she wanted to take a warm bath.

 

It was quite a big “bathroom”. It was a room with an extremely large tub and a plain green chair placed next to it. The feeling was strangely very homie nevertheless.

 

The nurse, Lynn, who was going to be there throughout the birth, explained how the gas looking mask on wall worked next to the tub. Claire, the doctor, politely let the young girl explain even though she already knew. It was apparently something to take the edge off the pain. It sounded quite fun. Not the pain part but the mild drug part of it.

 

Contractions. Claire said it felt like being stabbed with hundreds of small knives over and over again. Christ. They were still tolerable, according to the one having them but I saw it was becoming harder and harder for Claire.

 

I didn’t want to be nagging, over-asking how she was doing, so I tried to be helpful in any way I could . I massaged Claire shoulders, held her hand when she wanted me to, handed her carrots and held the homemade dip I had brought as Claire dipped the sliced carrots.

 

We FaceTimed Ellen once when Claire was able to sit up in the tub. It was wonderful. The soon to be big sister was happy but impatient. The lass was so alike her mother.

 

And Claire, heavily drugged in between her contractions, was a sight. She was rambling, laughing and crying. It was messy business. I tried the Nitrous oxide, also known as “laughing gas” once but it wasn’t for me. Just made me feel dizzy and uncomfortable.

 

“More for me then.” Claire had said when I turned down the second try. The mask pressed so hard against her face that I had laughed out loud. The nurses asked me once or twice to make sure Claire didn’t “overused” the Nitrous oxide. She needed to handle and deal with the pain on her own too. That wasn’t the easiest task.

 

But as the hours pass, Claire’s mood drastically changed. The more pain she experienced, the more irritated she became. At me, at anyone.

 

I made up an “Angry Claire Scale” in my head. I would never, never in my life tell her about it but it kept my brain busy.

 

By now, Claire was in my scale four, which was compared to “Did you really forget her pacifier, we have a two-hour long drive. Bloody hell, Jamie.”

 

I was more than happy to be her punching bag. She was having my baby and I would let her do anything, have anything and I would please her in every way there was. Claire was never (hardly ever) dramatic but this pregnant woman was. My strong and angry warrior Queen.

 

———

  
  


 

12:42PM

 

I felt my heart crack like it was an eggshell. The way Claire screamed when her contractions started again was so hard. I could only watch her as she stood leaning against the wall, wearing a white hospital gown.

 

She didn’t want anyone to touch her right now. Not even the nurses was allowed to touch her.

 

“Ahhhhhhrrrrgh…” Claire screamed again. “Where is that fucking doctor?! I want the epidural!”

 

“Claire” Nurse Lynn said softly. “The doctor is coming any minute.”

 

“You said that..Ahhhh..but he is still not here.” Claire snapped back. “Male doctors don’t understand this pain, that’s why he is so fucking slow.”

 

I smiled to myself.

 

“And you” Claire turned her attention to me. “Mr. Carrot Man, you did this to me. TWICE.”

 

“And I will probably do it one more time.” I still smiled and did everything I could not to laugh.

 

“Oh, no, no, no. I’m not doing this ever again.” Claire was able to speak without screaming now, maybe the contractions were ebbing out. “No more babies.”

 

A small knock on the door broke the conversation and a man walked into the room -  Doctor Robert Mackinnon, his name tag said.

 

“Someone in need of some epidural?” Dr. Mackinnon said in a joyful tune. “I heard you scream all the way from the elevator.”

 

“Did you run?” Claire simply asked. Oh shit, she was pissed. I was glad I wasn’t him.

 

“Um, no.” Dr Mackinnon answered, confusion evident on his voice.

 

“So, my screaming is amusing to you? I'm not your fucking entertainment. Piss off.”

 

“I’m sorry?”

 

“YOU HEARD ME” Claire screamed. “PISS OFF AND GET ME ANOTHER DOCTOR.”

 

“Mrs. Fraser, I’m so sorry if I offended you.” Dr Mackinnon tried to apologize.

 

“IF?” Claire asked. “Your whole gender offends me. Get out and get me a doctor who understands HOW it feels to squeeze out an elephant through a straw.”

 

“Aye, of course. I’m so sorry.” Dr. Mackinnon was looking pale. “I will get you Simone.”

 

“You should run.” I said to him.

 

“Aye, Aye. I’m going.”

 

Robert Mackinnon vanished from the room in a heartbeat. I felt somewhat sorry for the man, he looked all pale and so uncomfortable. He would remember Claire for a long time, I was sure.

 

Claire was now at scale seven - and that was “Excuse me? You ATE in the car? And you didn’t think of calling me? I spend hours cooking this dinner!”

 

It was going from good to bad in minutes now.

 

When Claire was frustrated and angry, it was quite humorous but when she screamed in pain, I felt so powerless.

 

I was just glad I wasn’t Dr Mackinnon.

 

Poor champ.

 

———

 

2:45PM

 

Doctor Simone Morrison, bless her, not only did she take away some of Claire’s pain with the epidural, she actually made her laugh too. The whole floor had heard about the woman in Room 49 that had asked Dr. Mackinnon to piss off.

 

“Someone without a uterus should never, never, joke about anything that he can’t relate to.” Simone had said. “It’s like asking his holiness, Pope Francis, if he can resurrect a sheep that has been dead for three days and then teach him Latin. It can’t be done.”

 

“Thank you.” Claire had laughed and so had Nurse Lynn and Doctor Simone.

 

Lesson learned, it was only women that was allowed to laugh. I quickly, quickly as hell deleted the angry Claire scale I had imagined in my head and prayed I would never be stupid enough to ever mention it.

 

Claire, by this time, was eight centimeters dilated.

 

I held Claire’s hand as she cried, unable to talk with the all-consuming pain she was experiencing. The contractions, the baby’s head pressing - she was past the point of tolerable.

 

The contractions hurt now. Between screaming and cursing, Claire was trying to rest. She had been able to sleep a little. The process of childbirth was excruciatingly long and I felt for Claire, every second of it.

 

“You are amazing and so beautiful.” I may have added beautiful to weigh down my early behavior in scaling Claire’s anger. “

 

“I’m so tired.” Claire closed her eyes. “Just take him out.”

 

“He’ll soon be here.” I said and gently kissed her forehead. “Ye are doing so good, Claire.”

 

“Jamie” Claire opened her eyes again. This was the first time in a long time she had called me by my real name and not Mr.Carrot Man.  I smiled at her.

 

“Yes?”

 

“I was serious before, I’m not doing this again.”

 

“You don’t have to.” I answered quickly, simply, and sure.

 

“Good.”

 

“I’m glad you are here this time.” Claire said and smiled through her pain.

 

“I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.” I answered and I meant it.

 

Claire squeezed her eyes shut hard and started grunting. She yelled and tried to breathe through the pain like she had done all day long. In and out, in and out. Then, she screamed.

 

“He is coming out, I NEED TO PUSH!”

 

Dr. Simone stood by the end of the bed, in between Claire’s legs. Doing - well, I’m not sure what she was doing.

 

“Claire, darling. It’s time. You can push now.”

 

Claire laid on her back and I stood beside her. I wasn’t scared or nervous anymore, just focused on Claire as I held her hand.

 

“I can’t.” Claire moaned. Her brow was wet with sweat, and she was in so much pain. “Ahh. I can’t. Not like this.”

 

“Let’s try on your side.” Dr. Simone said softly. “Jamie, help her turn over.”

 

I was quick to assist my wife and had been so focused on Claire that I hadn’t noticed how many people there actually was in the room. It was Nurse Lynn, Dr. Simone and two more women I didn’t know or saw coming. When did they get here?

 

No time for asking questions. Claire started pushing, she was facing me on her side with one leg halfway up the air.

 

“Push, you are doing good.” Dr. Simone chanted. “One, two, three. Stop.”

 

It didn’t take long until Claire started objecting again. Said she couldn’t.

 

Claire had told me so many times about Ellen’s birth and how it took more than four different ways for her to try, so I felt prepared this time.

 

Finally, Claire stood on all fours on the bed.

 

Claire felt more in control. She closed her eyes and pushed, and pushed mostly in silence.

 

“Excellent, Claire. Just a little more, the head is out.”

 

The head? Christ. I thought.

 

I don’t know what got over me - curiousity, I guess. I looked and I just stared wide-eyed at what I supposed was the hair of my soon-to-be born child.

 

I quickly returned to Claire.

 

“Here he comes.” The nurses happily said and Claire screamed, louder than ever before.

 

2:57PM

 

The sound, it was so strange.

 

And just like that, a baby was suddenly lying underneath Claire. I looked at Claire and she looked at me, still on all fours, both in shock.

 

It was silent, then the room was filled with the baby’s first scream.

 

“Can you sit up?” Dr. Simone asked.

 

Without answering, Claire managed to sit up, on her knees, and smiled as she picked up our new born child in her arms. The baby and mother was still connected by the umbilical cord and it was beautiful.

 

“It’s a girl.” Claire laughed and turned to me.

 

“It is?” My voice broke. I didn’t dare to move, I just took the sight in.

 

The baby screamed in Claire’s arms and the whole room helped her to laid down on her back again. It was done, she was born.

 

I cut the umbilical cord.

 

“Congratulations.” Dr. Simone said. “A perfectly healthy baby girl. Do we have a name?”

 

Claire looked at me and nodded. I was busy taking in the dark hair that both my new daughter and wife shared.

 

Ten fingers. Ten toes. Dark hair. Her eyes were closed, I wondered what colors of her eyes was. Blue like mine? Or hazel like Claire’s?

 

She was so small, so beautiful.

 

“Jamie?” Claire smiled widely. “What’s her name?”

 

“Sophie.” I answered without thinking twice about it. “Sophie Fraser.”

 

I looked into Claire’s eyes. She looked exhausted but so happy.

 

“Is it okay?”

 

“It’s perfect.”

 

The moment was perfect.

 

But it didn’t last.

 

Suddenly, Claire screamed out loud.

 

“What’s happening?” I asked Dr. Simone in panic. I felt the color draining from my face.

 

“It’s okay, it’s just another contraction. It’s time to push out the placenta.”

 

I relaxed a bit, I had forget that the placenta needed to come out too.

 

But Claire continued to scream louder and louder.

 

“Oh.” Dr Simone said as she settled between Claire’s legs again. “Can someone take the baby.” she ordered simply, a little bit too calm.

 

“Why? What? What’s happening?!” I was shouting. I was scared Claire was dying. “What’s going on?”

 

“Calm down.” Dr. Simone ordered me strictly and I silently obeyed, then she looked at Claire with a strange smile on her face. “Claire, don’t freak out. But there is another baby coming.”

 

“WHAT?!” we both said in unison.

 

That I didn’t pass out in that moment was a miracle. Maybe because I didn’t believe it.

 

One of the nurses handed me Sophie and I had no time to react. I held her in my arms and just looked at Claire. It was unbelievable. It wasn’t real? Was it?

 

Twins?

 

Screaming again and again, this time she was lying on her back. Claire looked scared and so was I.

 

More people had entered the room. Some helping and some awaiting. Nurse Lynn stood on the other side of the bed, encouraging Claire to push.

 

And then another baby scream filled the room.

 

“Amazing work, Claire.” Dr. Simone held a baby in her arms.

Was that one mine too? It was all surreal.

 

“It’s a boy.”

 

Was it over now?

 

People started applauding, some were laughing and smiling. Even Claire.

 

Dr. Simone walked over and handed the baby - the boy - to Claire. I stood with Sophie in my arms and looked back and forth.

 

Two? Twins?

 

“I told you.” Claire said to me and I came back to reality. “I told you it was a boy.”

 

I was crying. I don’t know if I had been the whole time but I was crying and then I broke out laughing. It was a miracle.

 

“Christ, Claire.”

 

I looked down at the other baby, he was even smaller than Sophie.

 

“I don’t know how we missed this.” Dr. Simone sounded really apologetic.

 

“I guess he was hiding behind his sister.” Claire only smiled, then she looked at the baby boy, whose hair and features matched his sisters. “Didn’t you, Alexander.”

 

Sophie and Alexander.

 

Born seventeen minute apart. Twins.

 

My heart was exploding with so much love.

 

I laid Sophie in Claire arms and kiss her in the temple softly.

 

“Let ye slay all the dragons in the cold mountains.” I could hear my mother, saying it with me. “Let ye defeat the wicked witch in the west. Let ye ride the beastly and beautiful Loch Ness Monster. Let ye be crowned queen and king of Scotland. Fearless, unstoppable and all mighty.”

 

My voice broke at the end. Two years ago, I never thought I would have a child of my own and now, I had three.

 

“To Queen Sophie and King Alexander.” I continued. “May they rule the world.”

 

 

——

 

It had been a few hours and the shock had somewhat decreased a bit. Twins. Maybe I never would get over it but the love, how much I love I felt - it was swarming over and then some.

 

My incredible wife, on the other half, acted like this was the most natural thing ever. It was probably her mother instincts. She had nursed them both at one time. One baby by each breast.

 

That my heart was overloading was an understatement.

 

Sophie and Alexander.

 

They had looked identical at first, but now when I had looked at them, well, more like stared, I think I had stared at them uncontrollably since they came out, I could see the slight differences. Sophie, my beautiful daughter had more hair then her precious brother but Alexander had one brown spot in his right eye. Otherwise, they both had blue eyes.

 

They both looked very much like Ellen.

 

Christ. I was a father of three.

 

“Claire, I promise you don’t have to do this again.” I smiled and held Alexander in my arms.

 

“Hmm, I don’t even remember the pain so if it hadn’t been twins, I could have done it again.”

 

“Really?” I asked surprised. “You dinna remember the pain? It has only been five hours!”

 

“That’s the magic of being a woman, your body forgets.”

 

“You are magic, that’s for sure.” I sat down on the bed next to her - them. “Have I thanked you yet?”

 

“For what?” Claire touched my arm with her free hand that wasn’t holding Sophie. That was something I wouldn’t be able to to yet, to hold the baby with only one arm.

 

“For this.”

 

My lower lip started to shake a little. I don’t think I had been this emotional, like ever, or since I found Claire again a year ago. I almost broke down weeping like a child just by trying to explain how happy and fulfilled I was.

 

“For this life.” I tried again but I started crying anyway. They were tears of joy and happiness and they were running down slowly.

 

“I love you.” Claire answered tenderly. “Thank you for finding me.”

 

“And I love you. God, so much.”

 

A small knock interrupted our intimate conversation. I rose from the bed and quickly moved to stand behind the door.

 

It was go time.

 

We hadn’t told anyone about the special addition to the family - about the second baby I held in my arms.

 

I had been feeling a bit homesick earlier, missing my oldest child like nothing before. It was insane how much I longed for Ellen and now, she was about to get the surprise of her life.

 

The door opened and I stood still behind it.

 

First came little Ellen running inside, then Ian and then, a very pregnant Jenny.

 

“Mama!” Ellen was so excited just seeing the baby in her mother’s arms.

 

“Oh my.” Jenny looked like she melted into a puddle. “It’s the most precious thing I have ever seen.”

 

They still hadn’t seen me.

 

“It’s a girl.” Claire proudly said and then looked even more proud looking at Ellen. “This is your little sister, Sophie.”

 

“Sophie.” Ellen sounded proud and so happy. “Sissy, my sissy.”

 

I couldn’t help myself and I made a sound by pretending to cough.

 

Everyone turned to look at me. It took them a few seconds before their smiles transformed, all three of them just looked shocked with their mouths open.

 

“Shut the front door.” Jenny was shouting. “You are messing with us.”

 

“Jamie, have you stolen that one?” Ian almost looked pale.

 

I didn’t answer and just smiled as I walked to my first born daughter and sat down next to Ellen and Claire on the bed.

 

“Ellen, this is you little brother, Alexander.”

 

“Oh my god.” Jenny was crying.

 

“Two babies?” Ellen looked back and forth on her siblings.

 

“Aye.”

 

“And they are mine?” Ellen smiled and carefully touched Alexander’s little hand.

 

“Oh, Aye!” I smiled. “They are ours.”

 

“Sander and Sophie.”

 

“Alexander, did you hear that. That was your big sister, Ellen. She already got a nickname for ye.”

 

Alexander yawned, so oblivious and unknowing by the world. But Ellen laughed and bent down to kiss him.

 

“Careful, darling.” Claire said softly.

 

“I am.” Ellen answered and kissed him again.

 

Ellen was a natural big sister and I thought, just in that very moment, I had never experienced so much love - the purest of love.

 

I thought wrong.

 

A few minutes later, Ellen sat, straight upright against the bed frame, Claire had moved as far as she could to the side to make room for Ellen. She wanted to hold them both and we all stood ready to catch them if she would drop them.

 

There.

 

My youngest daughter sat with her baby sister, Sophie in one arm (with support from Claire) and her baby brother, Alexander in her other. And this, was the most amazing thing I had ever seen.

 

“I luv them so, so much.” Ellen whispered as to not to wake them up. Christ. She was incredible.

 

It would never be just one moment. It would be all of them.

 

Always.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank all of you who have read this story. There wouldn’t have been anything without you. Thank you for inspiring me to continue even though it has been hard.
> 
> As always, especially now, please leave a comment. It means the world. 
> 
> And don’t worry.... there will a part 3.❤️

**Author's Note:**

> Comments or kudos are very appreciated. Thank you for reading, it means the world to me. ❤️ I really hope you like it


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